I have never been involved with a single mom until now and the (hopefully eternal) love of my life has two youngsters. They are 6 and 7 year old boys and they each have a different father. Both of the fathers are still dealing with the idea of growing up, as my love and I agree. Now I don't aggitate the interactions with these individuals, but they have communicated with one another in an attempt to slander my name for their kids and try to give my love a bad impression of me. My love and her kids know that I am not bad for them at all. We both feel however that the fathers are promoting their opinions to the children in a very negative light. While I try to tell my frustrated love that the more she doesn't "fire back" and the more understanding I am of the kids' situation, the more the kids will realize that the dads might be wrong and they will lean to mother more.
While that was some background information, the meat of my situation is this:
The older boy has experienced the mom's divorce and is a little more receptive to me seeing his mom, on the surface anyway. The younger boy was oblivious at first, but as I spend more time with his mother, he seems to feel more and more threatned and talk more and more about his father. While he displays an outward aggression towards the "idea" of me and mom being together, he will still let me take hime to play mini-golf, eat pizza, play video games, and see movies. We do many things alone, but when I am around his mom he becomes a defender so to speak. It's as if he feels threatened by me, yet we do things together and he feels relaxed when we do those things. As of late, I grow to love my lady more and more, but as our love grows stronger, the more battles we have to face for mere moments of quality time. I will not let this defeat our relationship and she does not want it to either. How can we overcome and get a satisfying amount of quality time for ourselves? How do we make the children comfortable with mom and I holding hands, or kissing and hugging?

Feel free to ask for more details because I'm dying to hold my lady more without the little defenders capsizing our love boat every time we set sail. I'm not saying that to insult the kids, but just that WE need QT together also.

KRC, Welcome to the forum. I don't really have advice for you to solve this problem. But I've been there without a resolution myself. Only difference was it was my daughter with the attitude towards the woman I was seeing at the time. Things didn't work out for us, not because of my daughter, but that also meant I didn't get a chance to work the problem out and feel that next time around I'll more than likely have the same thing happening and will need help on working this sort of thing out myself. Hopefully we'll get some ideas/replys we can use(you now and me in the future)
Same thing though, my daughter would be fine if her and my lady would go shopping or whatever and then as soon as they'd get back it would be like someone threw a switch with my daughter's attitude. How long have you been seeing their mother? I had only been seeing this lady for several months, so I also kind of hope that time may help solve this issue. Since it was such a short period of time for me, we were very careful about too much contact in front of my daughter but still got the attitude. I'm hoping that when the time comes again for me, that it will work out for a long term relationship and that over time it will work itself out. Perhaps the kids will see that the relationship is there to stay and feel more comfortable as it gets apparent that it's not going to go the same way as their parents relationship?
Anyway, like I say, I'm open for advice on this as well for me to use in the future since I pretty well know that I'll be facing this again some day.
Good luck
Don

Well I have been seeing her intimately for about 4 months now and it is a relationship that is planned to go all the way. We communicate extensively and some times too much so we can understand what our plans are and how we may think about certain situations. We both really love each other and would do anything for one another. There is so much that wetry ot learn from one another each day and we have talked about marriage and cohabitation. On the same note though we have talked about the adjustment of the children throughtout theh evolution of our relationship. It seems like a toss-up between denying ourselves, and demonstrating the love and caring of a positive relationship in front of the kids until they accept it, while the kids are constantly aware of just how much the mother really loves them and is not forgetting them. Additionally that I care about the kids as well. I feel like denying our impulses to just express love through kisses and hugs with each other is wrong when it is so positive.

Hi to you both,
I personally think it is about attention and the threat of having less of it when this person is near the parent. I know for a fact that my daughter will miss the spare extra time from me if I am giving the attention to someone I still am not sure of. You also have to remember that they are unsure if this person is going to stick around, and they surely don't want their parent to get hurt. (these are all reasons that keep me from dating altogether) Here is my advice to you if it were me. Confront and communicate...

When the two of you (the child and you) are having fun together, remind him that you are having fun and say things like..I wonder if your mom would like this. What do you think? It kind of lets the child know...that you know....he knows his mom better than you!, and he doesn't have to feel threatened by you.
I would also say what's wrong.... we were just having fun together, whats the matter? Even if the child doesn't answer, it may get him thinking, or he may answer.
As far as alone time you should say things like, now we just had some alone time and now I would like some with your mom/dad. Your lover should also say the same so they know you stick together on this point. Be firm if you must but stick together and explain that you aren't going anywhere anytime soon and you care for his mom and want some together time with her as well. The firmness may have to come from the mother. I am sure once these children see that you love and care for their mom in a loving way they will come around, but you must communicate no matter how small you think it is. Just say it. Ask questions then and there. This is only my opinion and I beleive that things in my own daughter's life have only come out because of open communication. Kids are always wondering.

Hi KRC,

Here�s a story for you:

Once upon a time there was a young woman. She had moved out from her parents�, and her father remarried, and had another daughter. The two daughters were 23 years apart. They never lived together. 4 years after the little one was born, the father died. Now, the older daughter had a good relationship to the younger daughter�s mum, and they kept seeing each other. When the younger one was 9, her mum found a boyfriend. A good man, himself a divorced father of a young boy.
This is 4 years ago now.
They�re still together (my sister�s mum and the man), and to this day, this man (who we accepted not as a father, but as the mother�s long term partner and just a good companion), still is not comparable for us, in our hearts, to our father, and for the mother, he�s not �comparable� to her late husband. It took years for me to get used to him, and even now, I am not completely comfortable, although I like him fine, never had any serious conflict. He�s just not our father, and can never ever take his place, and he doesn�t try to either.
Also, they never hug and kiss in front of my sister and me, until this day.
And I am glad they don�t.

Hi Daniella,
Your story started out in 3rd person and then you went to 1st person?...I am a little confused. Is this person you? Is the story about two girls that accept this new dad? Is he a new dad? I lost you...sorry please run that by again.

he's not anyone's new Dad, just the mother's partner. That's all I wanted to say. Yes, the older one is me.
Hope this helps.
I have to start packing...

I am still very new to this "chat room" thing so please forgive my if I am posting the wrong way. Any advice on how to do this properly would be fine.

I divorced my ex when my son had just turned 5 and my daughter was 2. My son is just like my and prefers to not fight and avoid conflicts ( although he is not quite 15, 183lbs, 5'9" and wears a size 11 1/2 shoe ). He takes after me! My daughter is just like her mother ( although she is 12, 128lbs, 5'6" and wears a size 9 1/2 shoe ). She has no problem telling any body any thing.

I could not look at a woman without my daughter giving my atleast some attitude. My ex was remarried with two daughters before I could speak to another woman.

Now she is trying to set me up with just about every woman she sees.

This is a very difficult time for kids of that age to deal with and all you can do is give them time. Be patient and give them time.

I hate to say this but has SHE grown through all of this? Is she ready for a new relationship? You can't do this without her help. If she isn't supporting this IT WILL NOT WORK. Good luck.


originally posted by KRC:
[qb]I have never been involved with a single mom until now and the (hopefully eternal) love of my life has two youngsters. They are 6 and 7 year old boys and they each have a different father. Both of the fathers are still dealing with the idea of growing up, as my love and I agree. Now I don't aggitate the interactions with these individuals, but they have communicated with one another in an attempt to slander my name for their kids and try to give my love a bad impression of me. My love and her kids know that I am not bad for them at all. We both feel however that the fathers are promoting their opinions to the children in a very negative light. While I try to tell my frustrated love that the more she doesn't "fire back" and the more understanding I am of the kids' situation, the more the kids will realize that the dads might be wrong and they will lean to mother more.
While that was some background information, the meat of my situation is this:
The older boy has experienced the mom's divorce and is a little more receptive to me seeing his mom, on the surface anyway. The younger boy was oblivious at first, but as I spend more time with his mother, he seems to feel more and more threatned and talk more and more about his father. While he displays an outward aggression towards the "idea" of me and mom being together, he will still let me take hime to play mini-golf, eat pizza, play video games, and see movies. We do many things alone, but when I am around his mom he becomes a defender so to speak. It's as if he feels threatened by me, yet we do things together and he feels relaxed when we do those things. As of late, I grow to love my lady more and more, but as our love grows stronger, the more battles we have to face for mere moments of quality time. I will not let this defeat our relationship and she does not want it to either. How can we overcome and get a satisfying amount of quality time for ourselves? How do we make the children comfortable with mom and I holding hands, or kissing and hugging?

Feel free to ask for more details because I'm dying to hold my lady more without the little defenders capsizing our love boat every time we set sail. I'm not saying that to insult the kids, but just that WE need QT together also.[/qb][/QUOTE]

Yes she is ready. Every step we take is together as it should be. Every step is discussed and it is with the kids best interest in mind. We are trying to determine ways to inspire acceptance in the youngest one. The oldest boy has gone through this process once already, but the younger boy is still fresh to the experience and is growing more and more confused. His mom and his father were talking about getting married and they put in his head. Now the marriage will not happen and although the boy and I are friendly towards one another, he displays a growing fear that I will take his mother away from him. When I am not around, he exhibits little desire to be "clingy" to his mother, and when I show up we can't get more than 5 minutes together without someone metaphorically saying, "Ahe-hem times up you two!!". We comfort one another during the intense moments of frustration as they are getting worse. I've told this woman that I don't care how long it takes, that I love her, and that we will get through this. She tells me she loves me and the way I really do care about her son getting over this seperation. Not only for our sakes, but his mainly. She loves me as much as I love her, but her kids come first as we both agree. It just really hurts right now because our love must be kept hidden to an extent.
I am just used to getting along with anyone from any walk of life, so this is highly unusual for me. The boys like me, and each of them tell their own fathers that they are my friends regardless if the dad's like it or not, but the little guy seems intimidated, not angry in the least. We face this battle hand in hand knowing, each of us, that the child's needs must come first. It is just a painful experience for both of us.
What can be done to help the boy understand that contrary to what he feels, I am not going to take his mother away? I only want to freely spend time with his mother and him and provide a source of positivity without him feeling threatened.

I suggest taking him to a real toy store. Not a department store. Find a board game that is suitable for kids that age AND will keep everyones interest. Both of you will be there with both kids. Dinner is over, tv is off, nothing but the "family".

Also, I don't know about your area but if here we can rent a cannoe for $10 an hour or $40 a day. The kids love it. Take a picnic rent a boat that the kids have to paddel. They will be asleep before you get home. Sleeping kids = ?????

Get creative.