Hi,

I am having twins with a woman who I would like to marry at some point. We had not been seeing eachother long but I want my children to have a family and I am willing to make it work. My question has to do with the childrens last name. She once mentioned having her name as their last name and I was shocked and devestated. Sho was shocked that I got that upset. After explaining why I was so hurt she said "what about me? My kids may have a different last name as I then I look like some slut." I see her point and I said what if we got married and she replied.."what if we don't, I want my kids to have my last name." What do I do here? I am scared. I am doing everything possible to help out and I am constantly trying to discuss the future and how I want us to be together. Some days she is on board and other days she is just all over. I understand women can be all over the place during a pregnancy but I would be destroyed emotionally if they did not have my last name. Any advice would be appreciated.

Kudos to you for being so supportive, caring and understanding of your hopfully-soon-to-be-future wife's feelings. I would suggest compromising...and give the babies both of your last names. And if you guys do get married (wishing you the best, here!) then you guys can just sorta 'drop' her maiden name from the babies' last name in everyday use. I don't know if this is a horrible idea, but it has worked for me. Except my situation was not as 'pretty' as yours! My daughter's 'legal' name is Livia Anne Marie Jones-Bennett, but I only use Jones in everyday usage.

Good luck!!!

Stephanee

I think your girlfriend has enough on her plate...unplanned pregnancy early on in a relationship, and twins!!! WOW

There is no getting away from the fact that the foundations of your relationship are not set yet and you are going to have to work together to measure situations and set these proverbial foundations that will stable you in comming pressures. I understand that you want the perfect world whereby you make everything right (for you) and would marry her immediately so as to clear up this last name issue...but lets try and remember there are two of you to think of and I don't think it fair that she has to rush into marriage just to appease the situation (that is not a foundation that will result in success) she will resent 'doing; the right thing for everyone else and having to disregard herself. I am sure she loves you and like you wants to work towards a future with you and the kids, but you are not in the 'nice' future yet and you must accept that. If you put your name on the birth certificate and either give the kids her name or a double barrelled name consisting of both your names then if or when you get married after the birth, you can change their names by deed (drop one surname), this will make you both feel as if the doors are open.

As a mother your girlfriend (although its not nice for you) is actually thinking of what is best for her kids, you two are not married, she has no right to your name, by giving in to you, she may find herself with two kids holding different names to her if you and she don't work out (I am not being cynicle, just practical)so yes she is corect in her worry that society throughtout her future will immediately identify that she was not married to her childrens father and her children will be forced to deal with it each day that they do not have their mothers name (normally they would because the mother would have the fathers).

If she will not agree to marry you before the birth, do not see it as a negative, she is not being controlling or trying to hurt you, she is just doing what you are doing...she is just trying to deal with all these new issues as best as she can considering the shock of falling pregnant with twins....give her a hug and remember, she needs you to give a bit, as she concentrates in the massive changes going on in her body..be thankful you only have to deal with external issues. Be the giver, be the strong one for her and remind yourself each day she is preparing to give birth to your babies...when they arrive, you will realise that they are yours and a last name is irrelivant.

Good luck with your choices

Hi,

I can understand how'd you like for your babies to have your name. I think children should have their father's name.

But just remember that even though they may not have your name they are your babies!! I'd try not letting it bother you so much. My girls have thier father's name, and I wouldn't change that even if mine was different or changes some day.

Post back and let us know what you two decide later on!

I went through a similar thing with my ex. I got pregnant while we were engaged and we ended up not getting married. Well, I gave our son his last name and then he decided after we split up that he didn't want to be a father to our child and he hasn't seen our son in over 3 yrs. I regretted giving my son his last name, so I changed it back to mine. It wasn't a hard process to go through, but I do agree with your girlfriend somewhat. If you guys end up not getting married then I understand why she wants the kids to have her last name. It's a pretty simple process after you guys do get married to get the kids names changed....of course, I'm sure you're nothing like my ex and will do the right thing as a father....but try and support her in this....it really doesn't cost much to get the names changed. Good luck with it....and congratulations on your new additions !!!!!!

Id like to start out saying . I wish you the best of luck with your new family and i hope everything works out . As a single parent (father) I would have a hard time not giving my kids there family name . But i was marride before my kids were born .
Having kids with someone you have known for a short time is not a good idea . Thats why there are so many single moms out there . And i hate to say it but most father jump ship when they find out how much work is involved . unless you have a strong relationship to start out the odds are against you .
So if things dont work out with you two . she will have two kids with diffent names .Its not fare to her .It also sounds like she may already have doubts.
With saying that i think you should let her make the final choice.
Then when you get marride and she take on your name .you can change theres ,its not to hard .
But like i said . I hope everything works out for you and you have a long happy life together . I also hope this experience makes you wise . Then you can pass that on to your friends that its not a bad idea to plan a family . bol Joe