Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums 40 - Something Single Moms HELP-My son wants to live with his Dad-I am heartbroken|
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I am New to SFV |
Hi-I am new here and I am desparate for anyones advice or simular experience. Ok- Sorry for this being so long. First some background: I am a single Mom to a 16 year old son with full custoty. His father and I broke up when he was three. His father left me for another woman, who he is now married to. Shortly after we broke up my parents moved across the country and my siblings all lived in another town. So it was just me and my son. My son seen his father every other weekend. His father made no attempt to see him more often, even though he was surpose to have him three weeks in the summer, he never took advantage of it.I put myself through college and I am a Dental Hygienist(although I am unhappy with my job and wish to change carreers). My son's father has alot of isuues (like his mom leaving him as a child) and is very angery. He blames me for everything, and I mean everything and is impossible to reason with. He also has paid the same amount of child surport (which was minimal)and never gave anything more-maybe a pack of socks or underwear here and there. He has called me names and bad mouths me to my son. His wife (who I have never met)will get into our phone conversations (when his Dad and I do talk) and basically adds fuel to the fire. She has also bad mouthed me very bad in the past to my son, (saying "she wished I would die in a car accident so she can piss on my grave") although I do not think recently she has been doing this. I can say my son is a great kid. He has never gave me one once of trouble. He is polite and caring. He tells me he loves me more than once every day. Gets good grades, never hung out with the bad crowd. Just a great kid. I have noticed lately though he has gotten some slight anger at times.
OK to the problem at hand: We just got back from a 10 day visit to Arizona with my whole family for my Dad's birthday. My son was home for a week and then went to his Dad's for the weekend-july 10th. My son then called me on Sunday night to tell me that he was now going to live at his Dad's. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I always worried in the back of my mind about this because of a teenage boy needing to spend time with his Dad. However, this came out of the blue and has been a complete shock. My son has never mentioned anything to me before. I'm sure as to not upset me. He said he has been thinking about it for awhile( but of course I know his Dad had had some imput),I guess around May. His Dad has a house with a yard backing up to woods, with a Dog and they are able to do stuff like they have bomfires and cookouts. His Dad lives in a town about 25 minutes from me that has many lakes and his Dad has a boat and they go fishing. I live in a apartment in near a city. So I feel between that and the male bonding thing-what is more appealing to a 16 year old boy? Hang with Mom or doing all the fun guys stuff with Dad. I am moving to the same town and am starting the process of buying a house (scary thought)My son said it would be great if I lived in the same town and he would see me whenever I wanted. Although he has made it clear he wants to live with his Dad. I have been crying for a week, not eating well and my emotions are all over the place. I am having problems with: Coming home to a empty house just breaks my heart, not seeing my son. I am so lonely and depressed. I don't feel like it's home. Just some empty space(I feel I will be much better when I move to the same town) Lack of surport- My mom and dad are trying to help, but they are 3,000 miles away. Also my siblings as well. But I still feel so alone. Some friends-but they all have thier own things going on I'm not sleeping well and not eating well. Overall having a hard time even functioning. My mom says to start packing-even though I haven't found a place to move yet it will help. Worried about my job, which is so stressful and my boss is not a nice person. I worry about functioning at work(I have been off for 2 weeks as the boss closed for vacation, of course no pay) My ex and his wife are now thinking they have me at their mercy and are loving every minute of it. He said (surprisingly) said he felt bad for what I am going through, but other wise has been a total jerk and nasty Trying to say the right thing to my son. He has been crying alot and saying how guilty he feels and he is trying to comfort me the best way a 16 year old can. I am trying to be strong and tell him I surport him (hardest thing ever) but there have been tears. Stress from the thought of moving(I have wanted to move forever-but I am afraid of change). Whether I can afford a house or will qualify for a morgage. Thank you and God bless to anyone who has read this as I know it is long. Please if anyone can give me advice or if they have been through a simular experience. I am trying the best I can, but my world had been changed in a blink of a eye. I am trying to look for the best since I have been wanting a change in my life. But the thought of my son not living with me has me brokenhearted and depressed and hurt. I have been crying for a week. I have been trying to read a book by Joel Osteen -"Your best life now",and it has helped some. I feel my body full of stress. I fell alone and helpless. Thanks, Lisa |
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I am New to SFV |
Hi Lisa I admire you for letting him go stay with his dad .Has he not come back to talk to you about it? I think you and your son and his dad should sit down together and talk about it and maybe have a mediator present. You want the best for your son and if this is what he needs to do now you will know without any manipulation involved. I have no experience of this but it would be at the back of my mind also.I have a seven year old son with no contact with his dad. I thought of getting in touch but that would be one of my fears.If you think he is a good dad to your son he is in safe hands.You should be very proud of yourself for taking him this far in his life and he will always be in yours.you will reap the rewards . Take time for you now .Dont loose hope . Keep me posted. God will see you through this |
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"...if only I could fly!...." Setting New Standards |
Lisa,
I have no personal experience in this, but I can only imagine what I would feel if my son decided to go live with his father. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is � it�s up to your son. It is one reason, I believe it important not to lose sight of our own lives. Our children will eventually grow up and move on � though, 16 is not the age we expect that to happen � and this situation is much different. When we get divorced, it�s a possibility as well. The fact that you were not expecting this, makes it much harder to take. I think the fact that your ex and his wife bad mouth you to your son is abominable, but again .. it happens. My ex does the same thing, and it says right in the court order that he is not to do it. Who�s going to stop him? It sounds like you are dealing with a tremendous amount of change all at once. That is not easy for anyone. In my opinion, the only thing you can do is try and stay focused. Take one day at a time, and make decisions carefully. You are already overwhelmed, so if any thing can wait � let it. Keeping busy will help with the loneliness, and this forum is full of support � so post and read what others are going thru and maybe take your mind off of it for awhile. God Bless and be strong! :grouphug: |
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"Parent on Board" Parent on Board |
This is an area I also do not have any experience in, but from what you have stated here, it sounds as if you have raised a wonderful child, who is now growing into a man! Be PROUD of yourself for that, and remember, you did it!
I would say, be strong in front of your son, let him stay with your ex and his wife, and remember the wonderful values you have taught him -- let your son know that it is okay, that you understand his wanting to stay with his dad at this time in his life, and when you talk to your ex, be brave, smile, don't let them know that you are upset, that is what they want, and you want your son happy....that's what matters here. Remember, everything you have taught him is not going to disappear overnight, and he will love you even more for letting him do this at this time in his life. Now, with the time you will have on your hands, make the most of it! See about making a career change, start checking into grants/scholorships that may be available to you, to help you get into the field you are contemplating entering; also find a support group (and SPN is a great start!) in your area for single parents, or one that looks interesting, and has similar issues that pertain to what you are going through. You can start by looking through your church, the schools, the newspapers, ask your doctor for his or her advice! The main thing here is to let your son know that you love him and are there for him, and also to start working on making yourself feel better in every way - sound tough? You bet it is, but you can do it, I'll bet on it! |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Great advice Stephanieanne. I absolutely agree.
Lisa, Your son loves you both so much and I don't doubt he's probably found some girl he wants to be next to or just friends that he's gelled with because kids his age explore. I think his reasons for moving are different than you think. You have done a great job raising him. Now, sit back and watch your heart on legs make you proud. You're not loosing him. This is not rejection. You said yourself that he's smart. You're not giving him enough credit for making his own observations despite what your ex or his wife have said in the past. Support your son's decision. Don't succumb to the victim's mentality. You're a survivor. You've made some great accomplishments on your own. Your son doesn't have to choose. He can have both of you. You've earned your stripes, now allow your ex to have a go at having him full time. He'll probably become more respectful of you. Meanwhile, make good use of your time. In fact, this is another opportunity for you to excel in something you love...maybe you became a dental hygentist partly because you wanted to have enough to provide for your son...now you can follow your passion because you want to. Fire the boss, open your own office... I wish you the best. |
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I am New to SFV |
Thank you all for your wonderful responses, and taking the time to respond. That means alot to me. I think one of the hardest things in all this is a empty house. Coming home to no one. That is why when I move to the same town, I feel I will be much more at ease. Also my big challenge is with his father. He is so angry and just downright nasty. He said today that he does not have any compassion for me. I consider my self a kind and gentle person and I want to help people. I find myself trying to reason with him, talking to him in a gentle manner, being polite all the while he is horrible. I know I can't change him, I guess I find it hard to believe how mean and cold people can be. I was surpose to take my son and visit and see my sisters today and it is my weekend and his father refused to let him go, even though he has said my son can make up his own mind. He wouldn't even let me pick him up and take him out to lunch. Funny I have full custody. I guess I'm just venting. Thank you all for your thoughts, they are helping me. Lisa
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Hi Lisa
wow what a task you have at hand. Around that age I did a similar thing and went to live with my Father against my Mums wish. For me it was something I needed to do to fill a space inside me (the missing Dad space). This lasted for 6 months living with Dad and his Partner who I resented, at that time I didn't realise what my Mum felt until years later when we talked as adults. I really valued that experience and my Mums love that kept me strong during that time, so for you I would say to make yourself strong in the knowledge that you have brought into this world a wonderful person who is changing into a Man (as hard as that is on its own) and trust in the Love that you two have for each other. As for his Father, its just absolute envy of such a gift that you have and so willing to part with and share with others, the gift of 'Love'. Don't let yourself be weakned by his envy and don't give up on your son let him experience life as he sees that he needs to, he will find the truth and the way for him. Also, maybe its time for you to get a pet or plants that need attention and care and put that energy into yourself and show your son that life is great so he can enjoy it with you. Good Luck and all the best |
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"...if only I could fly!...." Setting New Standards |
OK . this isn't gonna help - but that just stinks! Why is your ex so unreasonable? Did you leave him, and he's bitter? Does he give you any reason for being so unkind? Can you call your son without getting your ex? Maybe make plans directly with your son ... or let them both know it's not working. What does your son say about having plans with you, and his father not letting you see him?? |
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I am New to SFV |
Lisa, I have been in your situation... except both of my children were taken from me. My son was 17 at the time. He left when I asked his father to go. Then, 2 weeks later, when I was at school, he came into the house and moved out all of my daughter's (almost 14) things. Not a word to me! I came home and she was gone! Both of my kids were gone! My Ex was quite upset when I asked him to leave and he used his kids as pawns to get at me. I was devastated. I cried, I stayed in bed, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't answer the phone, etc. My Ex. is an alcoholic and was addicted to medication that I need for a chronic illness. It was my pain medication! That made it even worse... My children were in danger every time they got in the car with him. I was so worried! They didn't have a clue how bad the drug and alcohol problems were. My Ex. and I were the only ones who knew the extent of the problems. I think they are getting it now. I fought for awhile, spent $14,000 on an ugly divorce and custody battle, but because of their ages, they could choose who they wanted to be with. It didn't seem to matter what types of substance abuse was going on. What kind of justice system is that? I've been unable to work since 1998 because of my illness. I couldn't compete with the expensive gifts, etc. that he was able to buy them. Long, long story short.... they were gone for 1 1/2 years. It still breaks my heart when I look back on how I felt at the time, but I have both of them back now. They chose to come back on their own! It isn't perfect because of all the hard feelings (I hated my Ex for what he has done), but we are healing slowly. Lisa, my advice to you is to use this time to work on yourself. Find out what makes you "tick" and do some things that you haven't done in a long time. I had to get some support, so I found a local church group and that was one of the best things that I have done with myself! It was a "separation support group" for women who were also going through separation and/or divorce. It's been over 2 years since we started that group and we still meet every Tuesday for "Girls Night Out!" It's my therapy! We have more fun and giggles, and we also share our hurts and struggles. No one can offer better support than others who have been there! Family and friends who haven't been through it can be there to show love, but they just can't completely understand what it feels like to be in this situation. Another thing I would suggest is to get involved in the community. Maybe do some volunteer work at a local literacy center (that's what I do and I love it...), or any of the many non-profit organizations. Join a single's group (if you are ready to consider doing so). I am part of a church singles group, not because I am ready to date (because I am happy being single for now), but to connect with other people who have extra time on their hands. We do stuff almost every weekend as a group and have dinner, etc. The thing is... you can let it destroy you or you can let your son see you getting on with your life and florishing! He will probably end up coming back after the "honeymoon" is over with his dad.... but it may take a while. Enjoy going out and staying out late with friends... don't let it kill your hopes. Okay, well if you want to talk more, let me know. Time has a way of healing a lot of things. I still have some really bad memories, but you just have to go on. Good luck. My heart is out to you. It will work out. Let him go, and he will probably come back. Kids are funny that way. They know who really cares for them. Plus it is really hard for teenagers to have to get used to a step mother! He will hate that! Take care!
Ellen T. - South Carolina
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"...if only I could fly!...." Setting New Standards |
Lisa --- how are things going?
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"Mod Member on Board" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
He is no longer a boy but a man making adult decisions. He must have had one heck of a great mom to be able to make adult decisions confidently at such a young age. You should be proud. The hard part is letting go but this day was coming whether it was with his dad, his girlfriend, his college buddies or own his own. But the time has come to reward yourself with a new career or education or warddrobe. You have raised a fine young man.
Like Doucette says; "Mama let that boy play some rock and roll". I'm a man who was a boy. I left home for the summer at 17. Lived with my uncle. At the end of the summer he said go home or get a place of your own but you can't stay here, your mom will kill me. He understood where I was in life. I got an apartment. I never stopped loving my mom but it was time for me. The summer lasted 6 years. There was always contact and I suffered her wrath each time as she would always tell me to come home. Never was there a time I didn't know my mom loved me. Never was there a time she was forgotten. A mother's love is never forgotten. Your love won't ever be forgotten. It's for life. Oh... I did return after 6 years. Life was kicking me in the gonads and I needed my mommy. |
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"...if only I could fly!...." Setting New Standards |
awwwwwwww ... now that is sweet! |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
I can so relate. My dd is eighteen and living on her own. She moved out at sixteen. My ds is going to be sixteen in November. I have always told my ds if he wanted to live with his dad he could. I have sole custody and my ex has reasonable access with reasonable notice. He left when our ds was two. I love my son and I want the best for him. He went to his dad's recently and surprised the h*ll out of me by hugging me big time when he came home. He missed me. I know I missed him.
Just give it time. Your son might change his mind or maybe he won't. I was devasted when my dd moved out and I miss her like crazy but we do have to let them go as painful as it is. Does your son visit? Is he involved with your house hunting. Will he have a room there? Maybe if he is involved you can still maintain a degree of contact that will help during this transition time. It is hard to let go. For what seems like forever and a lifetime we are there for them and then the empty nest syndrome. Single parents go throught this I think and find it harder because it is you and your kids against the world. Being alone isn't something quite honestly we are used to. No matter what we say we miss their noise, their mess. I want you to know you aren't alone and we do understand. I wish you and you ds well. If you need to talk, feel free. I think you are handling it well. I shed a few tears myself and ds was only gone a short time. I can't imagine too far off into the future. It breaks my heart. Hugs! |
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Parent on Board |
LisaMarie221
hello nice to meet you, wow your story turn back the clock for me. myfather left my mother when i was 13 for another woman who was a total BIT%$. he and her bad mouth my mom all the time and about anything. my mom was like you and she worked hard for her kids. but i fell into there trap like yuor son did and i wanted to go live with them which was a big mistake looking back. but i came around in time, i told my mom i was wrong and i was sorry. 18 years later i am very close to my mom and i have alot of hard feelings for my father. i think your ex is using your son to hurt you and as a weapon. and your son will see it and i bet he will have hard feelings against your ex. but that is my story. i hope it works out for you and go seek some help and you might want to take your son too, to talk also. |
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Parent on Board |
If you have full custody how does your ex get away with this? I would tell your ex that you have a right to visitation just as he did... if not then tell the courts that your ex has not returned your son to you. I know your son wants to stay with dad for now, but I would let your ex know that you deserve to spend time with your son also. You need one on one time with your son and just let him know that you are fine and get on with life. Just think, pretty soon your son is going to be on his own anyway and this will just make him stronger. You need to find your life back and move on. I have been going through this same worry as my son may do the same thing to me, but I think as single moms we tend to let our lives go and live through our children. Just remember how it was before you had children and you just have them to raise for a brief while in your lifetime. Raise them right...
"children step on our feet when they are little, but they step on our hearts as they get older." Hang in there. |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums 40 - Something Single Moms HELP-My son wants to live with his Dad-I am heartbroken