hello ~
I just joined this group tonight...looking for hopefully some answers!!
My children, ages 13, 11 and 8 (a girl and 2 boys) seem to ARGUE constantly. My parents do live close by, but they don't seem to think my children are doing anything wrong. When I try to correct my children, I'm the one that gets in trouble!! My parents treat me like I'm only 15 years old and babysitting my children. I was 42 in January ~ far from being a 15 year old!!
My husband passed away in June 2004...life has been rather difficult for us.
I broke down and cried a little while ago in front of my children ~ telling them that if all this arguing continued all summer long, I was headed for a nervous break down. I literally can NOT take much more of this ~ and we've only been out of school for one week.
ANY SUGGESTIONS???!! I punish, ground ~ take things away ~ but nothing seems to work...
HELP!!
Shelia

Hi! I joined tonight to write & encourage you! I hope that it does. I lost my husband in November of 2005. I have 2 children on their own in the states and 2 with me. The 2 with me go through stages of arguing partially because of their age differece 18 & 7, paritally because 1 is biolgical & 1 is adopted. The adopted one sometimes thinks that he is the biological so that makes me more his mom than hers?? We had to have a family meeting to see what the arguements were about and then come to an agreement that there had to be love flowing both ways, they also had to realize that they both had lost when their dad died, and it is/ was hard on me to referee these constant fights. It stopped the cycle of fighting and then they were able to talk about what was really going on. My son had just turned 6 when his dad died, so it was hard for him to express his feelings. Letting your kids see your feelings and letting them know how much you are hurting from this will help them to heal. They will never be like they were before, but they will get to a new normal. We are working every day towards that new normal. It is still really hard, but day by day it is easier...don't know if that is the word, but we are trying.
Is there a way for you to have some time alone with each of them? Talk about how they are doing without their dad? Finding out what they need you to do to help remember him?
Do you get to have some time away from them that is time for you? Go to lunch with a friend? Go get your hair and nails done? Get a massage? You need to think of ways that will help you to cope with having your husband gone.
A book that I read that helped a lot was "Treasures from the Dark" by Dr. Dwight Reighard. Hope that helps.

If you have the money, go buy a set of CD's from Love and Logic. Preferably the Life Safer kit, about $60. And then just turn them on when your parents are in the room. It will probably spark some arguments with your parents, but obviously some things need to be aired in the open.

My children are not allowed to argue. I give them a choice. You can either quit discussing XYZ, or go discuss it in your bedroom. Normally by this point they are screaming at each other, and dive bombing. Rarely do they even hear me. Next I say, okay you can either stand in the corner, or go to your room. The punching, screaming, and whining continues, of course! I give a count of five, silently. Often I close my eyes because I'm on the verge of screaming myself. My kids are so used to this, they normally notice when I close my eyes, and they run to their room. Otherwise, I grab them and take them to their room. Mind you, what ever they grab, I drag with them. I've ended up with a dining room chair in the bedroom before.

My mother in law is like your parents. She believes that kids can do no wrong. And after seeing the monster drawn in permenant marker on my fridge, I know otherwise. She nearly had a heartattack when I took this approach at her house. I was so strung out, I turned to her and did the same thing. Probably not the most polite responce, but it worked. Neomi, you can either go to your room while I deal with my children, or you can sit here quietly. It shocked her enough that she took her nose out of my business.

While I haven't experienced the loss of a husband, my condolences to the both of you and your children. Loosing a husband and a dad is trying on all of you.

How about leaving them to argue...and go for a walk. Tell them you'll be back when they are done. I am not sure how effective that is, but if I was at the end of my ropes I would try that. See what happens when you come back. Not getting emotionally involved with it, showing them that this isn't the way to get whatever it is they are seeking.

When everyone is calm, and you are calm you can come back with a fair consequence.

Hello Sheliaspghts,

I would establish some new rules whenever they argue.

I used the sofa when my two boys argued/start to fight. Television went off and they both sit on the sofa with nothing in hand. They were expected to discuss using inside voices, and they could not say unkind things and they kept hands to themselves. If they did, it was a 2 minute silence penalty and then they could continue to resolve their problem. They could only arise from the sofa after they reach an agreement or compromise on whatever it was (and it couldn't be a forced agreement) I stayed out of their argument (that is hard to do sometimes)

In the begining they would loose 1/2 a day sitting on our "talking bench". Soon after, it would take only 5 min to resolve their problem. it taught them to manage their temper and resolve their own problems.

If you want to change their behaviour, you need to break their pattern and be very consistent with new behaviour you're wanting to see. May take about 2 weeks and put a deaf ear to whining.

Hi to everyone. I am just new here and have read your post. Likewise, I have three kids almost the same age as your kids except my youngest is 6 (a boy and 2 girls). I am at the same boat like you are in and yes they constantly argue even with the slightest provocation from each other.

For me I always try to balance and mediate amongst the three and not to play favorite. But always stress to the eldest that he should be the one to understand more his siblings because he is the suppose to be more mature. Sometimes he doesn't agree with me but most times I can make him stop and not argue anymore.

We live with my mom and sister right now after I left my ex-husband and my mom plays favorite or tend to spoil my youngest but at times I make my presence felt and let her know that I know what is best for my kids. Anyways, best regards and hope you don't loose your cool at all.

Yep, been through this and I have a really great way to handle it - um-hm! My 2nd and 3rd argue more than the rest...I got really creative! No, walking away and making them fight it out does not work and niether does threatening them. I make mine hold hands and hug each other constantly...write an essay explaining all the good points of the other person (all while I am laughing my &&& off) - if you think it doesnt work, try it, they will think twice about even looking at each other wrong! I have also told them that if it keeps up they will be sharing a room together and they will be sharing each others clothes (they are boy and girl) - no, seriously, the essay really works and making them find the good points of the other person takes their mind off of the arguement. Yelling, spanking, threatening...not the way to go! Walking away only gives them time to hurt one another. Teach them to "step off" and learn to say that to the other person because it is definitely something they have to learn later in life. Tell them to imagine the other person dressed in a clown suit and that takes the edge off. Finding laughter in the midst of an arguement is gold! I used this with my husband and usually had him laughing before he even knew what was happening. Kids are funny creatures and they are possibly the only ones I actually understand! Adults? Not so much!

Stephanie

I think most of us have had who have more than one child go through the arguing constantly thing. I know women who hate to go anywhere because their kids argue so much. My son and my 18 year old have argued since they were little. My 18 year old argues with her seven year old sister all the time. I refuse to take them anywhere if they argue. But then again, I argued with my younger sister all the time too.

ellieh -- I couldn't agree more with you. Sometimes if it doesn't get too out of hand, I sit back and watch them bicker and try to get even. Seems like they have a good time sometimes. I also refuse to be in public with them, though, can't seem to get them to stop slapping covertly even when I'm sitting between them at church.