Hi Everyone, I am new to this site. I just joined today. After briefly reading some of the articles others have written, I think I'm at the right place. Anyway, I need some input on my situation. I feel alone! My ex and I divorced when my son was a year old. We lived in Texas at the time. He was from California and I'm from Ohio. We are on opposite sides of the continient! When we divorced, I moved to Ohio to be close to my family. He moved back to California to be near his. I needed the support of my family with my young son, who will turn 16y/o next month. Both of us were in the military at the time. He stayed in, I got out to take care of the baby. Anyway, after our split and we went our seperate ways, he only contacted us once, when my son was 2 y/o. Since then, it's only been my son and I. I've been in a few relationships since then, but never remarried. My son has always wondered where his father has been all these years. It's just been recently that he has made a mission of finding him. I recieve a minimal child support check every month. I figured it would be easy to find him. I went through the enforcement agency to try to find him; But, since this is an interstate case. He's in CA, the order is in TX, I reside in Oh. It's been a very long and drawn out process. I called my case worker to get a good address on my ex. She said she had an address, but couldn't give it to me. My son had to write a letter, give it her and she would forward it to him. I paid some money to do a personal search on the Internet. I was able to find his brother in Colorado. I gave the number to my son and he called it for the first time last night. His brother said his father was in the fillipines and he didn't know when he was coming back, but he still lived in Cali. My son left our home number with the brother. 15 minutes after the call, his father calls our house. My son answered the phone. It was a very emotional time for my son! He asks, Where have you been all my life? My ex says, I didn't know where you lived! Well, I didn't know where he lived either, but I managed to find him. It took a lot of searching and red tape to do it, but I did it! Anyway, my ex invited my son to visit him in Cali. My son needs to get some closure on where my ex has been all these years! When I spoke to him, he said he was remarried and had a daughter. He named his daughter Danielle. My son's name is Daniel. He says he named her that because of my son. He told my son he loved him, but my son could not reply. He later told me he couldn't say he loved his dad, because he didn't know him. He couldn't understand how his dad could say he loved him, when he's not seen him since he was a baby. I asked my ex to send the money for a plane ticket. I said, he could stay for a month. I talked to my son and said, he could stay all summer if he wanted. I don't want to interfere with this, but I'm so scared for him. I'm scared for me too. I guess I worry that if my ex made it seem so much better over there, my son would want to leave me and live in Cali. Not that I can do anything about it. It would just break my heart! I want my son to have a father. He needs one more than ever! Especially now, with him being a teenage boy. I'm unattached and single. All these years my son has had nothing but rage and hatred for his father. Now he is in emotional turmoil over the conversation he had with him last night! He has had trouble in school, fighting and bad grades. It all has stemmed from his unknowing of where his father has been all these years. I'm not really sure what to do or how to support him! I have only told him that I'm happy that things are working out for the best and he will finally be reunited with his father. In my heart, I am worried and scared. Please send your comments... Thanks.. Betty

Wow! that is very scary. I do not look forward to the day I have to explain where his father is and why we are not even in contact with each other.
It sounds like all will be fine, because your son knows you support him. And if he needs to get to know his father, then constantly remind him you will be there when he is ready to come home, talk or whatever. GOOD LUCK!

I cannot imagine how you feel about this. But I can guess. My daughter is 3 and I am dreading that day more the older she gets. No contact from her father in any sense, not even child support. Which is perfectly fine.

I know this must be hard and I think you are being a good mom by helping your son find his father. I would think that anyone would have worries but from the sounds of it, you raise your son with a good head on his shoulders. I'm sure he just wants answers and hopefully his father will be able to provide him with those for the most part.

Stay strong and things will be alright.

Wow, Rex, what a story. My first reaction is that I'm very impressed with your ability to put your own feelings about your son's dad aside and think about what's best for your son. Such a hard thing go do! Also, though, it seems like a month is a long time for him to be with people who are total strangers. What if he went for a shorter time the first time, and then was able to come home after a week or two to debrief with you and process it all. If he wanted to go back later, and finances and circumstances permitted it, then he spends a little longer.

I'm a single mom of a little boy too -- he's 9 -- and I'm happy to know someone who's in the same boat I'm in.

Good luck with all this! Let us know what happens.

Thanks for your support! It's been 5 days, since their first contact and they've been text messaging each other everyday. My son is excited and scared at the same time. So far, he he really looking forward to visiting him in California. My ex has a very big family and he told my son everyone over there is looking forward to seeing him. Yup, they are strangers, but my son wants to stay that long. I will book his flight for a months stay, but told him he could come back whenever he wanted. If he gets home sick, I told him I would book him on the next flight home. Now that I'm over the initial shock of it all and the more I think about it, the less I worry that my ex can make up 16 years in just a month. I'm sure my ex plans to spoil him. He'll try to buy his love with anything he asks for. I told my son to enjoy every minute of it, because he deserves it! That's the least my ex can do after all these years! We'll see how it goes.... I'll keep you updated... Betty

Betty you are amazing. Your story is my biggest fear yet you embrace it all in the name of what is best for your son. I hope when my time comes I have even half the class and grace that you do!

Betty,

you are amazing girl! I just hope that someday i can be this strong for my daughter. this is one of my big fears. my ex abandom me while i was pregnant and only seen her once for a short time.

quote:

Originally posted by rexray1:
Laurie, I hate to ask personal question, but how long have you been separated? What happened to your ex? You don't have answer. I'll understand... I would just like to relate to someone about this whole ordeal. It's been so hard. I try to convince myself, it's going to all be okay.. and.. even though I'm helping my son reunite with his father, my fears are still there. My son is now old enough to choose who he wants to live with and my ex would keep him in a heartbeat! I don't know.... San Francisco is so beautiful compared to small town Ohio, where I raised my son. We'll see how it goes...

Hi Rexray, no apologies, this forum is all about personal. Sadly I doubt I will be the one you can relate to but here goes:

Married to a man who "changed his mind" about having children. As a result of that (and his affairS) we separated and he tried to literally bankrupt me, take my business away (my B&B that he moved in to, claiming it was the marital home so he was entitled to half even though I owned it before meeting him and I paid ALL of the bills) When he found out I was going to adopt, he slowed the divorce down saying I'd be too old since I needed to be no older than 45 and married at least 5 years...

Married 11/01, separated 5/05, divorce final 4/10/08!!! Last week! I've been oddly emotional and crying at the drop of a hat this past week too. Silly, he's been gone almost 3 years, no reason for my tears.

Sooooo, I decided to simply get pregnant.

story deleted

There is a price for everything, and I am soooo afraid of paying the piper...

ok, crying now, gotta breathe and get a grip again...

quote:

2 months after I got pregnant he visited me in NJ and got so drunk it was insane. I have never seen anything like it. Peeing in my kitchen, falling down, sleeping for 36 hours at a time. Then the stories come out. Been in jail in 20+ states. Served time for attempted murder, aggravated assault, concealed weapons, drinking, fighting, drugs, stealing, you name it. He stole from the church, he stole from me. I had friends take him to a bus stop and sent him away.

Mental note to self....no blind dates from Laurie.....WOW....

To Kayley's mommy, That's sooo sad that your ex abandoned you while you were pregnant. It's as if his decision to not be a father figure was decided before your baby was born. Were you guys real young at the time? I do agree that girls do mature faster than guys.

quote:

Originally posted by rexray1:
To Kayley's mommy, That's sooo sad that your ex abandoned you while you were pregnant. It's as if his decision to not be a father figure was decided before your baby was born. Were you guys real young at the time? I do agree that girls do mature faster than guys.

my daughter is 20 months old. we were engaged to be married. its a long story. remind me and i will share it with you.