Ok, I wanted to start this because there's a strand in the guys section and it would be nice to see the flip side of the coin.

I admit, I am afraid of men. I give them unreasonable hurdles sometimes to jump through and most of them don't. I'll find something else they have to prove before I open up.

In the last 10 years, only 3 guys could see through my hurdles, refused to jump but offered their hearts.

I'm afraid someone better will come along and offer more to him than I could.

I'm afraid I'ld be trapped in an abusive controlling relationship.

I'm afraid I won't be able to pick myself up again after a failed relationship.

I'm afraid of being ignored and forgotten.

I can't say I'm afraid of men. I am afraid of relationships though.

I'm afraid of losing my identity -- the me -- in the 'us' of a relationship.

I'm afraid of losing my independence.

I'm afraid of picking the wrong guy, having my daughter get attached, and then breaking her heart because he wasn't right.

I'm afraid to show my feelings, only to be told I'm silly or shouldn't be feeling that way.

I'm afraid to be hurt.

It's not the gender that scares me. I find people in general easy to handle. It's the relationship I find hard. I think I'm more scared of a successful relationship than I am of one that fails.

I'm with you there Xera,

If things are going well...and we're falling in love. I'm terrified, panic stricken,and have to back up several steps.

I think whomever I'm suppose to be with will understand this.

Well I used to be afraid...but not so much anymore. I don't know why that has happened.

Right now, I am not sure if I am afraid of anything in a relationship. If I am afraid of anything most likely it would be losing trust in someone, their dishonesty. For ex: At first they act as though they know what they are doing because they want to be with you and then suddenly out of the blue they might say "i'm not sure what I want"....it's like wake up honey and take the door cause you are not wasting my time and playing head games with me, that's for sure.
Yep, I think I hit that one right on the nail. So I guess I am afraid of dishonesty.

Soooooo true... first you're the light of their life, they seem to walk on cloud nine. Then bam, I hear "I'm not sure if you're the one, I need some space."

Then, I give them all the space they need and move on. Later, phone call, "I made a mistake.." and I think, "No, you probably just got dumped." and I don't want to be the rebound girl -- you know, the girl he comes to after every break-up.

Tessmit,

The last guy I dated was just like that. I kept copies of his apologetic emails to say how sorry he was for breaking up and how he really thought I was a great person. He wants to stay friends, so I agree, but the minute he would come back he expected more. Of course with time he got more, and then he would play the same game. So I stopped getting mad. I just kept saying "yes, uh huh, ok, bye oh, and I would appreciate if you didn't call back, I'm busy" and that was the end of that. He couldn't understand that I caught onto the game and just didn't get upset. I guess he tries to get his thrill with breaking women's hearts but he didn't get mine.

Now I just take notes of the red flags and if they show any of them, I just walk. And before I walk I tell them I'm not interested. It is annoying, it really is. What I can't understand is why would someone look for a relationship if they are not ready to have one.

My true heartbreak oh my it was terrible. I was really in love with him...and I believed in him and in us. I didn't see the red flags in that one. I felt everything he felt and vice versa..it was one of those scarry relationships where you feel at one with the other. He was two hours away from here, we met online. I travelled every weekend to see him and we planned on being together. All I asked was to wait till I got posted to Montreal. I took the job because they had a location in Montreal. At the time there wasn't an opening. He couldn't wait, so what did he do? He broke up with me, and a month later moved in with a woman and told me he wasnt capable of living alone anymore. How pathetic. A well educated eye doctor obviously with mental issues. And here I thought he was the strong one. Four months later, I got my posting to move to Montreal, boy was I fuming. It was hard because everythign I thought we had, we really did not have. That was a huge disappointment.

Ouch, at least you were able to see some truth in the end. If he really loved you he would have only wanted you. How can another person just fit the bill in a month.

One guy that I had an incredible relationship with for 6 months. This was 2 years after my divorce and I was still struggling with panic attacks. (that made dating difficult). To put it shortly, we weren't looking for anyone but the connection we had when we first met was.... hmmm "powerful". We just knew what the other was thinking without saying anything, I can even say he knew me better than I knew myself. I made him jump through hoops, even tried to scare him away, but he always knew how to bring me back closer to him. My panic attacks alone scare men away because they didn't know how to deal with it (yep, I'm really a crazy woman), however, not him, he truely cherished every minute we had together even when I was sick and made me laugh after every episode.

Anywho, this made me realize I never had this in the 10 years I was married. Not this kind of contentment and love.

Do us guys have to stay out of this?

it's ok, if we do..let me know before I open my "opinionated, big mouth."

Sure Paul,

We wrote in the guys strand earlier...

Go for it

quote:

Originally posted by Tessmit:
......One guy that I had an incredible relationship with for 6 months. This was 2 years after my divorce and I was still struggling with panic attacks. (that made dating difficult). To put it shortly, we weren't looking for anyone but the connection we had when we first met was.... hmmm "powerful". We just knew what the other was thinking without saying anything, I can even say he knew me better than I knew myself. I made him jump through hoops, even tried to scare him away, but he always knew how to bring me back closer to him. My panic attacks alone scare men away because they didn't know how to deal with it (yep, I'm really a crazy woman), however, not him, he truely cherished every minute we had together even when I was sick and made me laugh after every episode.

Anywho, this made me realize I never had this in the 10 years I was married. Not this kind of contentment and love.

The same thing actually happened to me; I met a woman about 18 months later....and...I will NEVER forget the 2 months I spent with her....I never experienced that kind of emotion, love, connection, ...and I cant...even to this day...explain it. I just wasnt ready for it. So, I ended up scaring her off. My insecurities at the time needed to much reassurance....and I smothered her.

She forever lives in my memory as "the woman I thought I'd never meet".

I love her now....as I did then,.....but, have also accepted that we probably never will be reaquainted with each other.

LifeLessons in Reality: A day to day course.

Whoa... after reading these posts, I suddenly stopped and reflected... Have I ever been in love? Or have all my relationships been just some temporary fling or short-lived infatuation? I only had three serious relationships -- the present one being more serious than the previous two -- but none of these men has had such an intense and lasting effect on me. None really swept me off my feet, none made me willing to move across regions just to be with him, and none has given me those intense feelings that can make me say "I was in love with this man".

That being said, I'm not really afraid of relationships because I think I have not experienced relationships fully -- I have not known the exhilirating joy of falling madly in love, nor have I felt the poignant pain of falling out of it... But maybe what's keeping me from experiencing these is because these are exactly what I am really afraid of... I'm afraid of giving my heart fully only to get it back broken. I'm afraid of falling in love because I do not want to end up falling out. I protect myself too much from the pain that I also miss out on experiencing the joy that comes with it.

Anyway, rambling here... just got myself in a reflective mood. LOL

Dawn,

I've been protecting my heart the last three years and it got me nowhere in relationships but I did get 4 job promotions. Just got another one today and I really don't want it. I'll just pray for the man that is suppose to be with me to find me.... NOW... uh oh, I better be specific before I pray.. I gotta think about that one.

Tessmit...Don't think TOO hard ok? Lmao

quote:

Originally posted by Tessmit:
.... NOW... uh oh, I better be specific before I pray.. I gotta think about that one.

Sistah, aint that the truth!

You gotta watch what you ask for....sometimes you just might get it.

::walks away shaking his head and muttering..uh uh: