I just dont know what to do :S
My dad is 41 (married again now) but when my mom left 9 years ago, it really hurt us all..he tried to be strong, but now that i'm older i realize he was in pain, and still is.
My mom and him had 5 kids before they were 22, they both worked really hard, had good support, and he opened his own business (which has been quite successfull), they got a nice house, and we had a reallly good childhood, up until the day my mom left. It was very unexpected, she didnt say by to us, and to this day i havent talked to her (i know my dad has and my sister).
Anyway lately my gramma (her mom) has been trying to get us to see her more, and i can tell her calling is really upsetting him, hes really down and got mad the one time i asked him abotu it (which is not like him at all). We have been thru soo much since then, as i said he got re-married, but i can tell its still bugging him. I know its not fun to be depressed about anything, and i also know its verry hard to move on, but i know he has too.. we have too..i just dont know how to help him.
The part that hurts me the most is the fact when she left, she didnt leave to have fun (because she didnt really have a teenhood) she left her amazing husband and 5 kids to have another family.
I just dont know how to talk to him about it, i think it would be good for us both to get it out..i dont know how to start. If anyone has been thru this (or something like it) or has any ideas please throw them out here because my dad is so strong and it kills me (and really hurts his new wife) to see him down about this.

Hi Kimmie

I read your post and I have some feedback for you. First off, I dont know how old you are. My parents divorced after 29 years of marriage. I was 23 at the time. Even though the situation in my family was very different and my parents are actually both better off since the divorce, it was still very hard for me. It is a loss of the family that you have always known. Even if it was a dysfunctional family, it was YOUR dysfunctional family.

I actually did have some counceling during that period and there are a few bits of wisdom that I think might help you.
First of all, even though you really love your dad, it is not up to you to solve his or your mom's problems. That's up to them. They are the parents here. I know you feel like you want to fix things for your dad but, frankly, you cant. No one can do that but him. I'm sure that there are alot of hurt feelings and emotions that went into their relationship and their split that you are unaware of. And that's the way it's supposed to be. As bad as you feel for your dad you have to let him work this out for himself and cut yourself a break here.

Now the situation with your mother is harder. I dont claim to know what it's like to have your mother walk out without saying goodby. I am so sorry that this happened to you. This is something between you and your mother that will be very hard to overcome. I really have to say that seeking counceling is a good thing. It helped me very much. You can talk to a councelor and discuss every aspect of how you are feeling without worrying about hurting their feelings or that they are judging you. This may help you to move forward in deciding whether you can have a relationship with your mother. I wish you all the best Kimmie. I will check this thread again soon if you have any more questions or want to talk.

Thank you. Im 19, i was 10 when this all happened. The part that really bugs me is we wernt a dysfunctional family, yah i was young, but what i saw was two happy, in love parents, and from what my dad has said (which isnt much) thats what they were. The saying 'behind closed doors'...they rarley argued, i mean im sure she wasnt happy, obviously, or maybe she was..and just found someone that made her happIER.
The one thing my family needs is clousure, not only on this...but on my brothers dissaperance.. for everyone who has closure on events in your life...you are truely lucky, i wish i could get it.
My bros and sister and i had family therapy afterwards, it helped, but now im older im thinking about my future, and it scares me that someone i was so close to is capable of hurting her children and husband so much. Im thinking about it on a more grown up level. Ive been back 2 different times since (mostly for my brother)..but i hate that i cant deal with these things on my own..and i wish i can help my dad get thru them too..but i guess i have to get thru them myself first...wow this could take a while, lol
Thanks so much for your advice!

God, Kimmie...this one really hits home for me. Let me get my head straight here...and I'll IM you. I'm 40, divorced 2 years ago, and have a 19g,17b,& 11g year old. I had what could have been termed a "nearly perfect" marriage ..that might be too strong a word..but..anyhow..my story is on here somewhere from a couple of years ago. I dont know how to do a search for that.

Here it is -> Paul's First Post

To find your first post, go to your profile and click View Recent Posts, then click on the last page, and there will be your very first post ever.

Really, the software Robin bought is fantastic...

You found it! OH geez...I'm not sure I wanna read it...that was a long time ago now...and I'm a VERY different person.

I guess I'll take the time to read in a little bit...Need MORE coffee first.

Yikes..thanks..BB ...sorta.

Kimmie87...Wow, let me just start by saying that I understand where you are coming from! I am the 2nd oldest of 8 kids my mother had about 5-6 kids by 22-23! I was a very happy child my dad walked us to school every morning while my mom stayed home with the babies, on the winter days when it snowed he would let us be a little late to school so we could a have a snow angel contest, it was great! If we were dysfunctional then us children didn't know it in which most cases parents want to keep from their children. Then one day it happened my dad came in the house all dressed up and started packing...I assumed I was going also so I started packing my things too,my mother never got loud with him or yelled she just sat there & watched...I finally overheard him say he was "tired of not being able to have nice things because all the money is spent on the kids" I didn't understand at the time what that meant so I just went in the room and grabbed one of his extra long legs and held on for dear life! I then saw a tear fall from my mother's eye and I knew at that moment something was wrong. I was 12 years old at the time & I will never forget the day my father walked out of my life because it was the day my world changed as I knew it!!!!
My mother was miserable but never wanted to show it, she stopped taking care of herself, she stopped smiling, she stopped laughing, her life stopped when he left because now she was the single mother of 8!!! I am now 28 years old & I know the whole story behind him leaving he was on drugs very bad..after all these years he is still fighting those demons, and I finally asked my mother now that here youngest child just left for college, how she made it through and she told me" Her 8 babies & Jesus" see I never knew we made her happy because she didn't show it she never remarried, she never dated, she never went out, she was just MOM. See she was so worried about us the whole time coping with life without a dad while we were worried about her. Your Dad will be ok no one can put a time limit on when you get passed the very hurtful & painful things you go through in life but know that as much as you worry about him he is doing the same for you and the thing that may hurt him the most is not your mom walking out on him...BUT THE KIDS! Love him Kimmie87, be there for him as much as you can, let him know ya'll will get through this just fine no matter how long it takes, smile at him when he isn't smiling, talk to him when he isn't talking. tell him you love him & appreciate him as often as you can and I promise you God will do the rest! My mother is now my best-friend and she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me for so many reasons her 8 kids loved her passed the hurt & pain when we became educated & successful no drug addicts, thieves, liars...she raised us well and that was all that she needed to get by.

quote:

Originally posted by paulj_in_phx:
You found it! OH geez...I'm not sure I wanna read it...that was a long time ago now...and I'm a VERY different person.

I guess I'll take the time to read in a little bit...Need MORE coffee first.

Yikes..thanks..BB ...sorta.

Lol...no problem...sorta

Honestly, I think it's great for people to see how very different a person you are now...it helps people coming here that feel like you did in your first post, see that they aren't always going to feel that way.

You know, I distinctly remember a post from one of the SFV uber-posters in which he said he was leaving because he seemed unable to become "part of the group." It'd be a great post to make a link for, as it's such a common feeling for new people to have. Lol...if this person didn't have 90 pages of "recent posts", then I might search through them to find it...

LOL..who was that? If I may ask?

That'd be Mr. MoPaul. Of course, my memory isn't *perfect* and I'm sure he'll correct me if I'm wrong (and I'll delete all this if I am), but I distinctly remember a Goodbye post from him in his early days.

I wish I could find it though. It's so common for new people to feel intimidated when they come to a forum and see groups of people that already know each other. A link to that post would do a lot to show that even members with as many posts/popularity as MoPaul felt like an outsider at one time.

Lol...me, on the other hand...well...people might wonder how a guy with >800 posts could remain such an outsider...I think I'll let the sexism thread bake a little bit and then show them how

What Sexism thread? LOL...I didnt see one!

Well, New Guy Joe started talking about Sexism in a thread where an unhappy lady was getting cheered up about a man who'd done bad things to her. He got jumped on for doing it there, and honestly I believe cheer-uppers should have a "Get out of Sexism Free" card in those situations (I know I've said plenty about "how women are" to buddies who were crying into their beers over women).

I suggested that he start the Sexism discussion in another thread, and he started it in the joke thread started by Leifnv (who I don't think is here anymore)...in which Jes responded, to whom you then responded she was thinking too hard

I'll go in there sometime and have my say, but honestly...as of this weekend I have a hottie writing me that seems to understand my inner workings and I'm finding it hard to not use my typing time on her.

Heh...and this thread seems to have been seriously redirected...hopefully Kimmie will come and put it back on course...

Later,
Bobby

PS - in the directory it says I have >800 posts...why is it <800 here?

Hey BB, in case you didnt know it...there's an unwritten rule:

No thread is safe from being Hi-jacked. LOL

Hi Kimmie
I hope you are still around. You're right. You cant be much help to anyone until you get things sorted out yourself. I dont know what happened with your brother, but it sounds very difficult. I actually happened to have lost a brother in a car accident when I was 15 (sounds like we have a bit in common). I never had counceling for that until I was 23 and went for both my parents divorce and the death of my brother. I was kind of a mess. I was doing some very sef destructive things because I didnt know how to deal with that pain. It makes it worse that your brother dissappeared and you dont have closure. I hate to beat a dead horse, but since it helped me so much, I really do hope you go back to the councelor. Not to say that it will make everything go away, but might help you learn to live with it and be positive in your future. These are some really painful, uncommon events that you have been through. You have every right to take some time and do what you can to try and deal with it.

Ok Kim,
Wow..where to start.

My daughter is 19 now...and I've seen her go through all of this as well.

You may not like some of the things I tell you, but I'll state them just the same.

What happened between your mother and father is just that "between them"...No amount of prodding, pleading, asking will change the fact that it is technically "none of your affair". You may think differently as a "daughter" but original "couple" that was your parents, is separate entity from yourself.

It really isn't the business of his new wife either, only he and your mother can decide or not, to disclose infomation regarding what happened.

Now before you want to choke me,...I think that you need to consider the fact that maybe you have not been told for your own protection. And you need to leave it as such.

Your father sounds like a good man, as such you need to respect his wishes and leave it be. Your being tortured by this is only your own doing, you have to deal with this in your own way just as he, and your siblings are.

He apparently has proven how important you are to him; why not just sit back and let time do what is does best: Heal.

One other thing to remember, (others have seen me state this before) Men and women ARE very different. Men (generally) have very few "close" or "best" friends there whole lives...maybe 3 or 4. Whereas, women have many over the course of their life. To men, their wife IS the ultimate best friend. When a marriage goes wrong for a man, it is not only dramatic..it's traumatic. I'm not even sure I can describe how men are actually affected cause we normally are accustomed to hiding or lessening the affect of our feelings, even from ourselves. These types of wounds depending on the individual can take many years to heal.

On top of that, would you like to find out that "your father" was the reason for the dissolving of your family? Would that change your opinion of him? Are you sure? Would you love him less? More? Why take that chance?

I would say, just love your father, dont judge too harshly, be there ....all of us make mistakes.

None of us is immune to the passions that life imposes on us, or the mistaken actions that are performed, when we once again we prove, we are human.

FWIW.