I know this won't elicit alot of responses; what guy wants to admit he is afraid of women?

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been with a woman once in the last 6 years, if you know what I mean. I try to date, but it never goes anywhere, emotionally or physically.

I am attracted to women. Not just the Barbie dolls, but average women and even some BBWs.

I have met a lot of women and done some dating, but once I start to get close, I get scared and run! I CANNOT bring myself to "close the deal" anymore.

What the **** is wrong with me?

I've been to shrinks and doctors, and they all tell me there is nothing wrong with me, but they are wrong! Something is really screwed up with me and I don't know what to do about it.

I hate to think I'm not going to be with a woman again in my life, but the thought of getting trapped with the wrong one scares me.

I'm risking alot exposing myself like this. It isn't easy for a man to admit this, but I am very intimidated by women. I don't know why.

Anyone else out there like me? Who will admit it?

Well I am not afraid of women but I can't say that I trust them either. I have let myself be fooled twice now and not sure how to sort out the game players for the honest ones. But at my age I don't know how much difference it makes.

Well, I can't say that I am afraid of women. I can say that I do have fears about the whole dating/relationships/taking a chance on yet more disappointment/putting time into trying to build something only to have the woman turn out to be too different than she initially put herself out to be/or simply that we have different goals/values in life.....or maybe that does translate back to being afraid of women?
Pretty sure I also hear the same thing about us men out of the women on occasion.

For me its 3 things;

I cannot get close to them. I just freak out. I think its a fear or getting trapped with someone I'm not really in love with like in my marriage.

I am WAY too afraid of not making them happy and them being disappointed with me. (Is there ANY WAY of making a woman happy???????????)

I am afraid of them cutting me down. Women can be so vicious. I've encountered mean spirited women since I was a kid. I think they all have the capacity for it.

But I Agree with you Don, I know us guys are fallible, and women feel the same way about us. In fact, they probably have more reson to fear us then I do them.

I am just way too overly sensitive.

I don't know. I think it'll be a miracle if this boy ever hooks up with a woman again.

there is a great lyric in a song i have posted before that once again rings true i think.

"i want to change the way the world affects me"

i was looking at your list -

quote:

I cannot get close to them. I just freak out. I think its a fear or getting trapped with someone I'm not really in love with like in my marriage.

I am WAY too afraid of not making them happy and them being disappointed with me. (Is there ANY WAY of making a woman happy???????????)

I am afraid of them cutting me down. Women can be so vicious. I've encountered mean spirited women since I was a kid. I think they all have the capacity for it.

1) i can relate, my ex-wife is NUTS, but i loved her - i wanted to help her. i wanted to fix 'us'. i grew up on all the great classics of honor, kindness and compassion. when i was stuck with this really mean spirited, dishonest woman i thought my life was over (my parents had been married for 50+ years- the idea of getting a divorce was foreign to me). i was trapped. i dont want to be trapped like that again

2) i have an addiction to that happy thing (but not a fear of not making them happy)... i dont know why it is, but i feel compelled to "smother with kindness" - which is a huge turn off to a lot of women - there must be a balance of doing nice things. it would be really nice to be in that fabled relationship where you are both comfortable doing things for one another, doing things together and doing things apart. it sounds simple, but not for every couple.

3) there are few things i think that hurt more than being 'cut down' by someone, anyone, you love and/or care about. i guess i am sensitive that way too - but i would not change it. i would rather be that way, then not give a darn.

i am still working on changing the way the world affects me. i think you are being too hard on yourself friend =)

I am a woman and hope you don't mind if I reply to your post. I feel the same way, only reversed. I want the friendship or casual conversation of a man, but the thought of actually going out on a date or something serious scares me to death! I really think it is a normal feeling to have when you have been burned (hurt)way too many times. When you love someone , you give them everything about you that makes you who you are. And when they betray you, you think, "I will never allow myself to be hurt like that again"....and you build up a wall inside. It's there to protect you. When things get too serious or you feel yourself getting what you consider is too close to te other person, you may back off and go back into yourself (again, protection).
Perhaps you are just not ready right now to move on-don't rush it. You may need more time. Keep it casual until you are ready to make another step, then make the next and so on, at your pace. But it is up to YOU, not someone else to tell you when you are ready to move on. I am only 38 but never really seeing myself ever remarrying or going out again. But then, I have messed up and been married 3 times. I just figure that I will probably mess up again and I am not ready to make a gamble right now to try again.
You know, we ALL (men and women) have less than desirable attributes.....there are some good men out there, I know. And likewise, know that there ARE some good women out there, too. No one is perfect. Sometimes I wonder if we don't have too high an expectation for the opposite ***. And so many out there are quick to just "give up" when things are not "perfect".....not realizing that in reality, perfect does not exist.
My word of advice is just take your time and stop beating yourself up. There ARE reasons for your feelings, you are not weird and you are not alone. Chin up!

I
Want to change the way the world affects me
I
Want to dance in the face of all that could be

Intro to 3 Strange Days by School of Fish.
Good CD

Yup, way too hard on myself, and too sensitive, too concerned about pleasing the woman, which is ironic because so many women don't want that; they like the "bad boys", even women our age still, and the bad boys sure don't care about pleasing women.

I can relate to you too Zion. Don't want to get hurt again, even rejected when I ask for a date. My trouble is the stupid self esteem issue; thinking I'm not good enough for most women; that they wouldn't want me. Ridiculous, but its there, like a phobia, keeping me away from women, 'cause I keep telling myself I'm not good enough.

Shite.

The "not ready" thing bugs me. I've been alone over 6 years. When will I be ready? 10 years? 20 years? Never? I don't know. I hae to think I'll never be with soemone again but maybe thats my fate.

I don't expect to find a perfect woman. Its weird, I can't find the right fit. Either I feel I'm not good enough for them or (forgive me) they're not good for me. There is no match, no balance.



And I agree that its easy to dismiss someone too quickly. We were brought up as consumers; shop around for the best deal; don't settle for less, you can do better. Internet dating feeds into that; there are so many people out there to meet.

Crazy.

Boy, can I identify with a lot of what you say. I wouldn't say I'm afraid of women so much as I'm afraid of relationships period. Gone through the whole counseling, depression and anxiety meds thing and while those helped in some ways, I've found that ultimately you have to take some chances and just let things happen. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't but remember whatever the result it isn't necessarily your fault if things don't work out the way you want. You have to be true to yourself man and stop living your life for others. It's always good to have support from friends and/or family and I have found that here. In many ways, those relationships are much more fullfilling than any kind of romantic/sexual/intimate encounter. Really take a good hard look at yourself and focus on the positive things you can contribute to the people in your life. If you are not happy about something within yourself then get rid of it. I think you will have better luck in relationships if you project a sense of happiness and emotional security in your own life. Know you are not alone in this. Many of us here are going through the same thing and we are here for each other. Now if I could just take my own advice. LOL. Hang in there brother.

www.myspace.com/sunuvwil

I can only add something I've learned from all the reading I've done on Co-Dependency; the person who has the greatest influence on our happiness is - me. Don't be all about "what can I do to make this other person happy so they'll stay." It's a trap we make for ourselves, I've been that way and still am to some extent. Just be who you are, be up front with what you're looking for. If the other person likes who you are they'll stay of their own accord. If they don't you can't, and shouldn't, remake yourself to make them stay. It doesn't work. All this can be a hard road to travel but it's worth it in the end.

I have to ask though, what's BBWs? Big Big Women??

Thanks guys,

I can relate to both of you.

I'm not so sure now that it's fear, except fear of being in a relationship now, period. Been dating for over 6 years and it just seems to get worse every year. Fewer and fewer women I hit it off with.

But I am just really, really uncomfortable around women. Can't explain it. A female friend of mine I've shared this with says "We're just people too", which I don't agree with. Women (to me) are an entirely different species which make no sense to me at all. It seems the worse you treat them, the more they love you (just read some posts from women on this site if you don't believe me).


But I agree strongly with Binarian; I determine my happiness. I don't expect a woman to make me happy, nor can I make a woman happy (I can do nice things for her, but its up to her to be happy).

Something rwe1dad said is really important to me; if there's something in my I don't like, I need to change it.

That is SO true! I have a couple majoy demons I battle every day, but I can't get rid of them. One is low self esteem; the other is too personal to mention. Both keep me away from women.

I don't even know why I think about women so much. They don't make me happy, the make life more complicated and stressful, why can't I stop thinking about them and focus on other things in life????

BBW = Big Beautiful Women

quote:

Originally posted by bikejon:But I am just really, really uncomfortable around women. Can't explain it. A female friend of mine I've shared this with says "We're just people too", which I don't agree with. Women (to me) are an entirely different species which make no sense to me at all. It seems the worse you treat them, the more they love you (just read some posts from women on this site if you don't believe me).

oh ... they are different all right... they can make you walk on air or curse the earth you walk on. they make the difference between having a good day at work, or a bad one.

thats why i wear a tinfoil hat at night... so they can't read my thoughts (sneaky sneaky)

i don't even think public womens restrooms are real... i think it is a girl-hq (i am not sure they even need to ever GO to the bathroom, unless they are pregnant - i know they have to go then), i imagine computers swinging around from secret compartments and all of our data/stats are there...

how many times picked our nose in the car driving this week

what is the daily sweat quotient of our socks

the average number of times per day we think about .. you know

how much money we REALLY spent at best buy

etc

Come on guys, you shouldn't be afraid of us women... fear leads to anger, anger to hatred, hatred to suffering, and suffering to the DARK SIDE... LOL, just joking.

Sorry for snooping around guys, but I was a bit amused reading these posts... don't you know that this goes the other way around too? But we women have a different reaction towards men, we dont become afraid of men, we become men-haters! LOL. I'm taking a guess that you have been hurt too much in past relationships that's why you're afraid of women. Well, do remember that men hurt us too, though unintentionally, and I'm not only talking about the so-called "bad boys". Just check my post on thoughts about relationships in the open discussions, I'm one who goes for the so-called "good boys" but they also end up hurting me.

Anyway, it's the never-ending saga of the battle of the sexes. I agree that we are a completely different specie, for we also see you guys that way. But I guess that is the beauty of it -- can you imagine if we were at all like you, then relationships can be boring! It's like having the day without the night, or the ocean without the land, or flowers without the butterflies. There's always a reason for the differences, and in the end, it should complement and make the world a more colorful place.

if you find yourself afraid of relationships, why not explore our specie in the context of friendships? Relationships are overrated anyway. At least friends will accept you for who you are, with relationships, it does take a lot of work. And I dont believe that men and women cannot remain friends, Ive tons of male friends, which helped me appreciate the difference between men and women, without running the risk of being hurt or rejected.

quote:

if you find yourself afraid of relationships, why not explore our specie in the context of friendships? Relationships are overrated anyway. At least friends will accept you for who you are, with relationships, it does take a lot of work. And I dont believe that men and women cannot remain friends, Ive tons of male friends, which helped me appreciate the difference between men and women, without running the risk of being hurt or rejected.

Thank you butterfly.

I really don't hold much hope out for relationships anymore. It has been SO MANY YEARS now for me! I just cannot connect with women on a significant, personal level.

I am coming to believe I am a confirmed bachelor.

And you're right; men are dangerous things too; we can be physically and emotionally abusive. I wouldn't want to be a woman trying to deal with men. I know we can be very immature and selfish.

Even more reason not to get involved; I don't want to hurt anyone. I wouldn't do it intentionally, but things happen. I do meet women that are attracted to me, but I usually don't reciprocate.

Anyway, Tin Walrus has got a great suggestion; tin hats! I'll try that!

Dawn,

When you post, I find I have nothing more to say LOL good job. I didn't want to type I have carpel tunnel anyway...LOL joking.

quote:

if you find yourself afraid of relationships, why not explore our specie in the context of friendships? Relationships are overrated anyway.

quote:

Amen to that Dawn...whatever happened to building friendships anyway? Today, people jump into a dating relationhip with so much expectations causing many disappointments.

I have to say that I didn't really understand men until I worked with only men. Hola...what a challenge that was and is. I quickly had to learn not to take things personally because the tostestorone levels on a daily basis where making me very nervous. LOL

I think the beauty of all this is to appreciate the other *** for the unique gifts they bring to a friendship and relationship. WHen we can understand some of this it makes it alot easier. AT least for me anyway. WHen I finally accepted that we are very different and ACCEPTED how different we are, only then can we let go of some of the issues and work around it.

Mind you I am not talking of unhealthy disempowring relationships. Generally speaking I think that men and women have very different roles and when we try not to step our boundaries on the other's toes, we can manage quite well in society. LOL

quote:

But I am just really, really uncomfortable around women. Can't explain it. A female friend of mine I've shared this with says "We're just people too", which I don't agree with. Women (to me) are an entirely different species which make no sense to me at all. It seems the worse you treat them, the more they love you (just read some posts from women on this site if you don't believe me).

Well I hate to say it, but you are partly right. I say partly because there are men just like that out there that appear to love being mistreated. Why? for the same reasons women stay in those unhealthy relationships. And yes I see women all the time going for the same type of men and wondering all the time "how come I can't get someone decent"....my answer to that is the way they think...it is their choice of thoughts of themselves, and how they see themselves in the world. Those are big life transforming issues that are required to take place and those are the type of women you should stay away from. If you look closely at how someone speaks, you can just about hear their thoughts, and of course you will know their actions. It is a very interesting science to say the least. Budha said it most correctly when he said "Watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions and watch your actions for it becomes charactor."...so really in the end, pay attention to someone's thoughts and words and actions and you may save yourself alot of disappointments.