I posted before about a friend of mine in the child support section.

Little info on his situation. Met and briefly dated a lady last March. He stopped seeing her after 3 weeks and then she informed him she was pregnant. He had limited contact with her (by choice) during her pregnancy.

Since his daughter has been born:
He visits her at his ex's house 3 days a week. He stays overnight one night a week. (Hopes that he will gain overnight visitation sooner by doing this.)

He's discussed child support with her several times. She will not discuss it. She hasn't went to the courts requesting it.

She's made it clear that she wants to be in a relationship with him again and I think she thinks that's a real possibility. Therefore, she constantly insists he comes over, avoids child support questions, and gets irate with him often if he doesn't do exactly what she demands.

Anyway -

He has an appointment with an attorney next week. I've been invited to go along and he's also asked me to write up questions to ask the attorney.

Originally this only had to do with child support and visitation. But as time passes, he is questioning whether she is even competant. So it's going to be alot deeper than support and visits.

If you have time, can you pass on suggestions on where to start with this? Or share your experience with being / becoming a single father? Or appropriate questions to ask the attorney?

Thank you much! I'd tell him to join this forum but he is very reserved... so here I am..

Hey MJ, long time no see - anyhoo, not to be crass, but is he sure the child is even his? I had to ask. Sounds like this female is trying to drag him into living with/marrying her and isn't above try to guilt him into it using the child as leverage. And so is not above lying about the paternity. And frankly, in going to court to force this issue is his aim, the paternity test might be mandated.
About the whole competency issue; that's a high hurdle to jump. Taking a child away from his or her mother is not something courts like to do in most states (I assume that's where he's going with that). Unless she's a crack addict, grossly incompetent or a child abuser it's a steep uphill battle.
I think the best thing he can do is give the lawyer all the facts in the case and the desired outcome, or satifactory alternatives. The lawyer will know what's practical and what's not, given the laws of your state and county(if relevant); how activist or conservative the courts are and so forth. Wish him luck for me.

Hey Binarian! How ya doing! Please accept my huge THANK YOU! I appreciate your taking the time to offer help!

Your comment (drag him into living w/marrying her) is what it truly seems like. The live an hour and a half away from each other and as I mentioned before had very limited contact until his daughter was born.

The hospital where she was born does not do paternity tests so he took his ex and daughter to the blood center for a test when she was six days old. He just wasn't sure. The results came back Jan 2 - positive.

Since then he's been trying to get an amount she'd like him to pay to no avail.

I agree with you to that trying to get custody is certainly a long shot. I guess the most he really has is that she seems somewhat mentally unwell, keeps a bad house, and seems to lose control easily. As an example: Last Saturday she went out drinking. Called him several times "you need to come help me tomorrow" and the last message being "you need to head here tomorrow morning. You're baby's mama got drunk and I have to have your help!" The next day she called several times. Messages from quivering voice "You need to get here" to screaming "You better be on your way" to her holding the phone up to her daughters crying voice and her screaming "I need your help!" (He was out of town / could not get there.) Also, the way she treats her 5 and 10 year old (comments like "you better stop or I'll bash your heads together and knock both of you out."

So no - that's certainly not enough but he is documenting everything. I'm pretty sure that it will start off with visitation and child support through the courts but may eventually be more.

Anyone familiar with court appointed child advocates?

THANKS AGAIN, B!

Regarding the messages she sent him after her drinking night, I hope he saved them somewhere; I'm sure the lawyer and subsequently the court would be VERY interested to hear them. They sound pretty damning. Phone records are very admissable as far as I know; at least in civil (as opposed to criminal) affairs.
Also, maybe the lawyer can see if she is now or ever has been the subject of a DSS (Department of Social Services, or whatever it's called there) investigation for neglect. Sounds like a good bet, and it would certainly help his case. Too bad for her other kids though, sounds like a hard place to grow up.

Thank you. Yes, I feel very bad for all of her children. The two older ones never see their fathers. And to be raised by her and the environment she offers. Very unfortunate for children!

He does have those voicemails saved. I suggested months ago that he should get a recorder. I believe he is going to this weekend.

I hadn't thought about the attorney requesting documents from the DSS. Thank you very much.

The things she says and does are just unimaginable to me. But may not be classified as abuse or neglect. But that is certainly a good suggestion.

sooooo....gonna leave me hanging????

The attorney appointment is this afternoon.

I just finished up writing an outline for him and will also be attending the appointment with him.

I will let you know how it goes!

Ok, good deal; hope all goes well for him.

How you doing MJ?

Hey MJ, sorry I lagged on this one. I hope that the meeting with the attorney went well.
Just wanted to say that if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't continue with the overnight visits. I don't really think it's going to speed anything up with overnight visitation if visitation is what he ends up with, and meanwhile it's only fueling her fire to keep trying to manipulate him.
Anyway, let us know how it progresses.

Hey, Binarian and Don!

First off, Thanks again for your help!

So - the appointment.

I was familiar with the attorney (my ex's attorney) and he (my friend) had friends that recommended her.

I wrote out a list of issues, an outline for him and for her to read over.

Main points from her.

- He's already getting more time with his daughter than what the courts would award.

- Since his daughter was born as a "illegitimate child," he pretty much has no rights. And to gain rights beyond standard visitation is nearly impossible.

- That by hiring an attorney, he's basically going to start a war that doesn't have to be started.

I asked her for clarification, "So what you're saying is that he should not hire an attorney, that he should accept what time he's allowed at her home, and document everything until a later point that he has enough info to do more?" Her answer "WHAT DID I SAY?" My response: "I am asking you for clarification before we leave the meeting." And her answer "Yes."

She was as much of a monster in her office as she is in the courtroom.

Sigh.....

She did raise a good point on manipulation (as you did, Don.)

He does not know what his ex is capable of.

At this point, she keeps begging him to give their relationship a try. She went from being very hateful to being very relaxed. What is next?

What a terrible situation for a man to be in. To have a child, want the best for that child, and have no options??

There have to be some options, right guys?

I don't think he's going to continue to stay the night at her place. That will probably make her react "again." I think he's going to visit at least 3 days a week and continue to document and record everything. I just can't imagine having my hands tied like that. Just having to wait...

Yikes, what a ego she must have. "WHAT DID I SAY" indeed. Outside of the outrageous attitude, I'd say she's probably spot on. Sounds like the state would have to take the kid away from her and your friend would have to adopt before he'd have any rights. What a world.

I agreed with what she said. And had actually said many of the same things to him previously. After the appt, his mom, he, and I went for coffee. He was mad about spending the money but I think he needed to hear it from a legal expert.

Until he has more to go on or has months of experience of caring for his daughter, it looks like he'll be visiting there.

According to her, no court would order visitation outside of her home.

He loves his daughter and will do whatever necessary to be involved in her life.

I just wish the mother was respectable. I wish she was stable. That would make it much more comfortable I think (for all involved.)

I will keep you all posted. He has a scheduled trip out of town this weekend. I kind of worry about her emotional outbursts... She'll most likely have one this weekend. I worry about his daughter.

And Don - I think he's going to stop staying overnight. At least that's what he plans.

Last night was his scheduled night to stay over. He called me on his way home. He felt so guilty not staying with his daughter. Understandably.

Updates......

Last week he went to visit his daughter and was going to stay the night. His ex insisted he sleep in her bed (that she'd sleep on the couch.) He refused - she would not get off the couch. He left.

He visited his daughter again on Thursday. His ex called to say she was going on a date but the babysitter would be at her house and he could still visit.

He went out of town for the weekend.

Comes home Monday to several calls from her insisting that he call off for the day because she needed to go to work but refused to take their daughter out in the cold to the babysitters.

He planned to visit his daughter on Tuesday but we had a terrible snowstorm (the drive to their house is and hour+ from his / would have been 3 hours with the snow.)

Last night he went to his usual bowling.

And he wanted to go visit tonight but she said her mom would not be bringing his daughter home until 7 and that her mom would be there for the evening and he was not welcome.

She called him this morning and finally wants child support (he's been attempting to give her child support for weeks.) She also made it clear that her ex-bf was more than willing to sign the birth certificate and be a man and father to their daughter. Bleh!

I've told him he needs to have set visitation and stick to it. Now he see's why. Although I think it would not matter as she is tempermental. Until it's set in the courts, this is what he'll have to deal with.

She went from being pregnant, rarely contacting him to letting him visit his daughter often any day to screaming at him because he didn't want to be in a relationship with her to making him feel guilty (that he's not a man if he doesn't try the relationship) to acting nice and sad that he wasn't to screaming all the time again and ultimately to demanding child support and not allowing him to see his daughter.

Mind you - - > She's on call 2 nights a week and she works Saturdays. Her mom will be caring for his daughter during those times. There's no reason he shouldn't have that time with his daughter....

(((Sorry for the rant. As you can see, I'm a little emotionally involved in this....)))

I just can't fathom needing to have complete control in parenting.

He is a good father. He wants to be a huge part of his daughters life. But his ex is going to do everything in her power to prevent that it seems. She has no idea about what healthy is - or else she just doesn't care. (Which from what we know of her, she doesn't.)

He is contacting other attorneys. Surely some attorney can do "something" for him!

Yeah, she sounds like a grade-A, numero-uno wack job. Personally, I think she's doing her utmost to punish him because he won't do things her way.

I absolutely agree. Just can't imagine being that way. Just can't!

I'd also suggest another lawyer, it sounds to me anyway that she's not really all that willing to help for whatever reason. He may not get more visitation than currently but he'll have court ordered set visitation that the mother will put herself in contempt if she plays games about.
He could also go through paternity testing to eliminate that game also, (some ex going to sign the birth certificate...sorry but that's just rediculous)
And support court ordered, paid through the DA's office not directly to her....if he does ever pay her anything directly in the meantime, ask for a receipt stating for child support/seriously.....otherwise she could always end up saying it was for something else or whatever wack job story she may come up with. Yes, she does sound like a manipulative wack job, and while huge kudos go to him for trying so hard to step up for his daughter.....he should be real careful with this. She is obviously using his daughter/visitation etc. as just a tool to try to get what she wants, so no telling what she is capable of.

Yeah, contacting another attorney sounds like a good idea, from your narrative of the meeting with the first one it sounds like she has zero people skills. She may be an ace in the court room but that's not the whole ball game.

Hey everyone! Hope you are all doing great!!! My little ones and I are WONDERFUL!

Monthly update......

My friends ex went back to work a few weeks ago or so.

He visits on Monday, Friday, and Sunday. He no longer stays the night.

His ex works Thursday evening and Saturdays. If he wants to care for his daughter during those times, she insists he must take care of the other two as well. So, he doesn't visit on those days (her mother is with all the kids and refuses to allow him to visit then.)

Birth Certificate. He made an appt to add his name to the bc in January. That day was today. Originally, his ex said she wanted their baby to have his name. Well - now she's saying since he's not a full time father, he doesn't deserve to have his name on it.

He also started paying child support. He's paying double (to make up for the first six weeks.) (This is not set through the courts.)

She still tries to talk him into trying to have a relationship with her so he can be a "good" father / full time father. There is no way he could stand to be around her for one 24 hour period let alone every day for the rest of his life!

A couple of questions for anyone available!

1) I've heard it's difficult to get a judge to request that the last name be changed to fathers. Is this true?
Furthermore, his ex and her previous two daughters all have the same last name. Her maiden name. She hasn't given any of her children their fathers last name. I'd think that this will make it even more difficult because if his daughter has his last name, she'll be the blacksheep of the family so to speak. Opinions?

2) Back to the drawing board trying to find an atty. I called a few for him today and they are exxxxpensive! Have any of you had to hire an attorney for basic rights (visitation, last name, child support?) If so, how many hours of time did the atty usually put in?

Thank you much!!!!!!!!!!!