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Old 12-01-2015, 05:01 PM   #7
bluewave Female
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Default Re: Help please

Hi Valkyrie,

Unfortunately, their child is always going to be a priority for him, and therefore, no matter what, the mom will be in his life. It would be nicer if he had better boundaries and was healthy about it, but it sounds like he's not ready for that.

So, no, it's not okay that he doesn't stand up for himself and doesn't respect boundaries with her, but that is HIS lesson to learn and HIS conclusion that he needs to come to on his own.

Unfortunately, no one person can change another person--especially if that person is incapable of changing or can't accept there needs to be changes.

This doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him a person with serious challenges.

From what I can tell, you have a decision to make--there is no guarantee that he will change in the way that you need him to change, and p.s. did he ever take a paternity test? And so...your choice is, can you accept him for who he is, how he behaves, right now?

Again, I'm not saying he is right or acting in a healthy way. I"m just saying, the evidence before you is that he will continue to behave the way he is behaving. You have two years of proof behind you to show you this is the case.

If you want to stay with him, you have to think about your own boundaries (i.e. no ride alongs for drop offs and pick ups is a good boundary). maybe some financial boundaries too, i.e. he needs to help pay off that loan you took, etc. etc.

being a stepparent is totally tough. You have to do what is best for the child, and put yourself second to the child, and that's hard.

i think you have some tough decisions to make. good luck to you!!
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