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Old 02-20-2017, 08:30 AM   #6
artsy mom Female
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Default Re: Niece sexually active what to do? 11

Your reactions and how all the adults handle this is going to affect her outlook on who to trust for information.
Let's look at the facts, first. She is raising mature questions that, otherwise, kids her age would cower at just the thought of discussing with their parents. In a positive light, she is comfortable enough and willing to have that open discussion with you. This means she is ready to hear the answers.
If you find that she is only this way around you, then you're the person she is looking up to for guidance. She needs plenty of it now.

Secondly, it's natural to feel alarmed and uncomfortable that a child is curious and seeking triple X material. I completely understand and I can relate. I recently found out my 15 yr old has been viewing adult videos on the computer when she forgot to erase the history. (I thought someone hacked my wifi) I confronted her out of suspicion that she may be the culprit and I had to do it in the least judgemental, least threatening way. We had a casual talk about what adult material is and how it's natural to be curious but not to take what she sees as seriously nor as an example of what a healthy relationship is. And that I'm always there if she has a question. And, to...uh delete the search history next time. I remember being her age and me and my bestie would get into her parents or the babysitting customer's stash. It doesn't mean we were sexually active. And I know my kid is not sexually active with others. It's not abnormal for kids to look at this stuff. It's just about curiosity and, yes, they are going to start feeling sensations and try things with themselves. Let her. You don't need to know when or details, or even think about it. It's a natural part of development and puberty.

Thirdly, you need to address her questions and have a talk with her about the material she is seeing. Adult films are not good interpretations of what a healthy relationship nor always good insight to healthy sexual activity. If her mom isn't willing to deal with it, you need to have a talk with her mom. Is there any other family you can turn to for help?

There are some informative sites you can direct her to. Like, itsyoursexlife.org, for example. It's always advertised during Teen Mom shows.

I'm not going to make any criticisms regarding to her mother's work choice. Perhaps your niece is the same way at home and her mom is more liberal about it, therefore it never gets brought up. Or maybe the mom is embarrassed to talk about it with you, or she may not want to embarrass her daughter. I don't know. That's something for you to observe.

Another thing I tell my daughter, because I do have moral standards, is why it's important and beneficial to wait until she is older and purely ready. Education and establishing a career and independent life should always come before serous relationships and sex should be saved for serious relationships, preferably once married. I've been stressing this periodically for years with her and thankfully she genuinely agrees and is devoted to waiting.
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