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Old 12-18-2010, 01:42 PM   #1
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Default Heart still broken this Christmas

As many of you may recall, I found out on Christmas Day last year that my stbx was in fact cheating on me when I read texts between them where words like "baby" and "love" were sprinkled. Needless to say, as the holiday comes closer, I feel myself getting more weepy and emotional. The pain I felt that day has never truly left, and coupled with the half-hearted effort he made to "make things right" for a few months after (all the while talking on his secret phone to the "woman") I just am realizing how deeply rooted in denial I still am.

He has been calling a lot lately just to chitchat, and I've been allowing it. It has felt nice to have someone to talk to about current events and the kids, and to reminisce with about past shared memories. All the while, my brain is screaming at myself that he is probably just calling because whichever bimbo had that time slot is no longer available, so he is using me to as a stand in til she either returns or he finds a new one. But my heart is convinced that he misses me and "us" and is trying to find his way back.

Have I really fallen that far back?? Yes, I know there are to be expected falls, but this is really ridiculous. My heart is already broken and now it is being torn apart even more....and I only have myself to blame for allowing myself to get sucked right back in. (But what if I'm wrong and he truly does want to work things out? Arrrrrrggghhhh shut up heart!)
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Old 12-18-2010, 02:17 PM   #2
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! Huge hugs to you! And no, you haven't fallen that far back- it's the anniversary of all this happening, PLUS it's Christmas, and we all have the potential to slide back at significant times like this. And you still have feelings for him so it's understandable that you would respond to him wanting to talk, despite the fact that you know better in your mind. If your mind isn't also telling you this, I will now: what he is doing to you right now is NOT FAIR and NOT KIND to you. You deserve to move on and to have a happy life, and he is keeping you from being able to do that. Take this time to realize what he is doing.... and DON'T ANSWER when he calls- the more you talk to him, the longer it will be until you can grieve the loss of your relationship and move forward.
And remember, we're all here if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on or ear to listen.
Wishing you peace.
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Old 12-18-2010, 02:52 PM   #3
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Calooa, I am so there with you for the same reasons. Half hearted attempts at reconciliation while the husband still had a girlfriend to talk to really put me out and it hit me really hard too. After his latest "personal porn" seen by our daughter, there is no contact at all with him for now with him and us. My sympathetic ear went out the door 2 months ago after hitting rock bottom again and I just don't care what ever happens on his end as long as it doesn't involve me or our daughter. Christmas isn't and can't will be the same again but you can make it new for yourself. Don't forget, you and your kids are the MOST important people in your life right now and he is NOT included (he won't change girl!). I know the heart or the familiar things you used to know are still there and it does hurt...hugs to you my friend...don't beat yourself over the head...but don't go back to him. He isn't the same anymore.
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Old 12-18-2010, 03:33 PM   #4
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

As hard as it is, you must not engage in those conversations. Speaking of Christmas past is a sure way to get you even more down than ever. When my ex left, and she saw that Christmas was drawing nigh, she got into the same stuff with me. It was so tempting to speak of the familiar, safe things, it felt like it was helping.....but it only caused deeper pains. It may well be that he has no one "special" this Christmas, so he is using you to fill that void, and that is so wrong.
As MS and Phoenix said, he has not changed and you must look forward, not backward. Christmas is a magic time, and my gut feeling tells me he is using that magic to use you to fill an emptiness in himself. You must steel yourself against it, for your own protection.
As they said........vent here, dump on us. He is not your confidante any more.
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Old 12-18-2010, 08:48 PM   #5
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Remember that feeling you had when you discovered him cheating, remember the pain and know that if you let him back in and he hurts you again it will hurt twice as bad!!
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Old 12-19-2010, 05:03 AM   #6
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Calooa im so sorry your feeling like this, ex's have a way of playing with our emotions and its not fair, they keep us hanging probably as a "back up" for when things go wrong in their new lives, they try to keep that door open thinking we will welcome them back with open arms. His calls to you are like his saftey net, dont let him have that, after all he's put you through he doesnt deserve to have somebody as lovely and sweet as you in his life, to move on you need to make it clear to him that the kids will always be part of his life but you wont. He lost the privilege of of having you when he cheated on you. I know its hard for you because there are still feelings there, but he knows this too and thats why he still does these things. If he did want you back could it ever really work? Could you ever trust him again? Could you ever really forgive hin for leaving at a time when you needed him most? Or woild you always resent him for it? I think you know deep down that it couldnt work now, he's put you through too much, and believe me you will constantly be on edge wondering what he's gonna do next, thats no way to live.

Calooa you can get through this, make sure that you and those kids have a great christmas then make a promisr to yourself that in 2011 you will heal and move on, focus on yourself and the kids, learn to love yourself, and dont let the ex drag you down. I have every faith in you, i know you can get through this and come out the other side a stronger person. Hugs to you!
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Old 12-19-2010, 09:29 AM   #7
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

I don't believe that man can change. Once he cheats you can never trust again. He can try hard to change but does he deserve 2nd chance? Is it ever going to be the same? Will you ever look at him as your husband or the one who cheated on you?
Now as the year passed by you should look forward and try to forget him.
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Old 12-19-2010, 10:55 AM   #8
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Well said Mariem! And welcome to our Hide Out!

calooa, he is not meaning to hurt you, just like a rattler bits, your ex has a nature to wonder around. He will never change, because he does not see there is a problem.
Forgive and move on. Don't trust, but move on.

My ex did me a favor by running off with the other guy and the other guy did me a huge favor by getting married to her so fast..... poor sucker I have no sympathy for him.
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Old 12-19-2010, 01:20 PM   #9
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Dad1st quoted "calooa, he is not meaning to hurt you, just like a rattler bits, your ex has a nature to wonder around. He will never change, because he does not see there is a problem.
Forgive and move on. Don't trust, but move on.
My ex did me a favor by running off with the other guy and the other guy did me a huge favor by getting married to her so fast..... poor sucker I have no sympathy for him."

Dad1st you hit that one on the nail as well. Forgive, move on. As for my soon to be ex-husband, guess his running off to his girlfriend pretty fast speaks volumes. I have a feeling that she deserves this guy as she isn't any better than him. I have no sympathy for either one of them. I don't want to get used or hurt by him anymore. Enuff said
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Old 12-19-2010, 01:28 PM   #10
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Christmas is hard, the hardest time for me for a lot years. Of course you are vulnerable right.

The thing for me with him is he has shown how completely capable he is of of walking away, of not caring about his kids above himself and you.

That bell cannot be unrung. I understand wanting it back, but how many times is this now? You have to believe his actions, not put yourself through listening to the words...
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Old 12-19-2010, 02:04 PM   #11
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

How is that I can hear eveything you guys are saying to me, and completely agree with it, and even say similar things to others in like situations, and yet when push comes to shove, I dismiss the words as not applicable to me?

I know he will never change because why would he? It works for him how things are. And I am just a fool for falling for his ____ because in my warped mind I want things to be the way they were before the cheating. Dangit I am so mad at myself. I lived in a bubble with my rosecolored glasses on and didn't see what was really going on. And I am scared to let go of whatever bits he has allowed me to have because I really have never been alone. I've been with someone since I was 17 years old. I don't even know who I am and I'm scared I might not like the real me. I don't know. When it comes to others, I see clearly the path they should take but when I look inward, it's all a blur.
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Old 12-19-2010, 02:20 PM   #12
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Calooa dont beat yourself up about it, your feelings are totally understandable, and your right, its much easier to give advice than to take it. Theres nothing wrong with wanting things back to normal, but he's not the same person to you anymore, he's not the loving husband anymore he is a man who cheats, lies, keeps secret phones and abandons you when you need him most. You deserve so much better, you deserve somebody who will treat you like a queen and respect you. This man doesnt respect you.


You need to find yourself, and if you think your not gonna like the person you really are then you are mistaken missus coz you will find that you are a smart, strong, beautiful and caring woman, any man would be lucky to have you, dont settle for somebody who treats you bad, coz you deserve all the happiness in the world, and i hope in 2011 you will find it.
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Old 12-19-2010, 02:42 PM   #13
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

It is always easier to see someone else's situation more clearly. I get the fear of being alone and wanting things to be as they were. But things cannot ever be as they were because he ripped those rose colored glasses right off you! I think deep down you know that there is no going back to the way things were. How can you ever trust in him again, really trust in him? ANd will you feel about yourself when he does it yet again?

You have a chance to do the hard work in your life and get to know you, love you, and appreciate you. Your feelings are completely understandable and I commend you for putting it out there so honestly to us, but mostly to yourself. It is clear from the outside looking in that you are going to get through this, with setbacks certainly. Sometimes we only get there by doing the one step forward two steps back routine. But I think you are one who deep down knows what you need to do and you are just working through that right now! THe unknown is scary, but it is so worth it to learn your own worth, to accept yourself imperfections and all, and to treat yourself with as much graciousness and patience as you do all these other people in your life. And honey, he doesn't deserve your graciousness. He will take what he can get when it suits him and he will repeat the pattern. Even if he means every word of it today, he has proven over and over he can change with the wind!

Christmas is one of the toughest times early on. You have so much to deal with and frankly this guy needs a good ____ kicking for the deplorable way he uses your love and kindness.
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Old 12-19-2010, 03:10 PM   #14
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Calooa, based on what you write around here, I'm sure you will like who you are. Don't let him dictate to you what bits and pieces you are "allowed" to keep, he only has the power of you which you give him. Take it back into your own hands. Also remember, don't be too hard on yourself. We all trusted our exs at one point!
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:12 PM   #15
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

It's hard to take advice when it's your heart involved- much easier when you can be objective because it's someone else.
As for finding the real you and wondering if you will like what you find.... I've wondered the same thing about myself, I feel like I've been lost for so long; but what I've started (slowly!) to realize is that the real me has always been there underneath it all. Take this time to heal and spend time with yourself and your kids.
And by the way- you seem like a pretty fantastic person from what I've seen on this board- I hope you come to realize that as well!
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Old 12-22-2010, 01:29 PM   #16
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Default Re: Heart still broken this Christmas

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your honesty, your insight and your love. I feel it through the computer, and I am so thankful I found this place and all of you.

I had something happen to me at the gym the other day that I wanted to share. I recently started taking a Zumba class and I L-O-V-E it! One thing I came to realize fairly quickly was that I have no clue about my own body...where it is, what it does, how capable it truly can be. I see the other ladies dancing and they have so many of the moves down, dancing with passion and joy, and I just feel like I stand there awkwardly moving about. And then it happened, just for a moment, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror (I try to avoid seeing myself) and I realized that I actually was getting some of the moves that I was not feeling...and suddenly I felt my body performing the moves. I literally felt it flow through me for all of about 5 seconds. I know it might sound strange, but it really was inspiring and eye-opening for me. I have lost so much touch with myself that I'm not even aware of my own body, and yet for all of 5 seconds, I was and I felt amazing.
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