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Old 07-06-2017, 05:57 PM   #1
MamaStrong
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Unhappy New and Scared

Hi! This is difficult for me as I never imagined myself here. I'm sure I'm not alone.

My situation is a little different, so figured I'd explain. I'm hoping to find others who are in similar situation.

My husband (ex? we're separated as of today) is military and we have been married for over 10yrs. We have 2 amazing kids together who are 7 and almost 3. I'll call my husband (ex?) A for reference purposes.

We had been married about 4 yrs when we finally found out we were expecting our first child. When I had her, PPD hit me full force and totally unexpected. I wasn't harmful to myself or her, but I felt all other symptoms of PPD. I felt like I would fail her, I wouldn't be good for her, etc. I sought help. Doctors, therapists, etc all told me I was "overwhelmed" and wouldn't treat me for PPD. I felt/feel like I slipped through the cracks. Still, hurts to this day.

I used to brag about how supportive and on my side A used to be. At the time I felt he was the only one who got it. I was finally getting past the dark cloud that was choking me, and I knew A wasn't dealing with the PPD as perfect as he made it out to be, but felt like we were getting better.

When our daughter was 2.5 yrs old, she fell off the back of our couch and ended up in the hospital for 5 days, a skull fracture that resulted in surgery. It's almost as if the PPD had come back and attacked me after that. Despite it being 100% an accident, I blamed myself. The guilt suffocated me and I shut down. I was there, but sexually, it was the last thing on my mind.

We went on to have another child, and for 2 yrs I tried everything to get our marriage back. I knew that the PPD had affected us, A's job got tougher when he made Chief and it's like we couldn't get a hold of our marriage. I was desperate because A shut down. His phone became more important. I suggested and bought marriage books, counseling, etc...nothing.

In an effort to spice up our marriage, we had friends who had an open marriage and I asked if it was something he'd be interested in. Just this couple, and something to try. He went back and forth and agreed. So, after talking with the guy, I went forward. After, he decided he didn't want to (he never slept with the girl), I felt terrible. He accused me of cheating, and things got worse.

Over the last year we have both tried to get past this. I don't think he has. After giving me access to OUR savings account, he changed the password and security question and I dunno. I feel like in the last few years we have drifted so far apart.

We agreed to try and wait until the end of deployment before we made any decisions but then every time we would talk, we would fight. I'm so tired of fighting.

During our counseling, before he left, he shared two things with me that cut me deep. 1) during the time I was depressed during our daughters accident, he met and developed feelings for a girl. Nothing happened. 2) he admitted that he had given up on me.

I'm struggling to get over that and don't know if I ever will. Today I broke down about the PPD and how it hurt that while dealing with something I had no control over, and especially having people say it was all in my head, that he gave up on me....it's changed things.

He suggested a separation and to see if things change when he gets home.

Honestly, I just want to move forward. I'm exhausted and I don't think my heart can change. Do I blame him? No. Actually, I don't. I feel terrible that he had to deal with my PPD. He needed support too and didn't know how to ask for it.

I'm sorry to drag on. Guess this is why I am here. I'm looking to get myself together. I have been a SAHM for over 7 years to be with our kids. I haven't worked except for my freelance editing/writing. I don't know where to go from here.

My situation feels different because he's not a horrible person. I care about him. But, we've changed and drifted. Am I wrong to want out?

*sigh* Thank you for the welcome. Just scared. Not sure where to go from here. I have goals, but taking that first step scares me.

Hard to get support from family and friends because they don't see, "I'm not IN love with him", as a viable excuse to split up.


*Posted this in the intro but then read the others and mine seems a little long, so thought it may fit here. I'm sorry if I'm not posting correctly.*
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:06 PM   #2
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Default Re: New and Scared

Hi There and Welcome to our little corner of Insanity.

That is quite a story.

The first thing that strikes me is after your child's accident, it would be more of a Post Traumatic Stress thing that a revival of post pardum depression. Just an observation.

The big thing here is that you need to find some "Me Time" to re-discover yourself and figure out what makes you happy. Once YOU are happy with who you are, then you can be truly happy with someone else. This is something that us single parents often struggle with. as you're married to the Navy, they do have lots of resources that you can call upon to get your head straightened out.

Also, if things should come to a divorce, know what you are entitled to as far as A goes. As you have been a SAHM for so long, there would likely be alimony and child support. Also, after 10 years of marriage, you could be entitled to 50% of his retirement when that happens. all that can be good bargaining chips if need be.

I truly hope you can get this all figured out and make both you and A happy while keeping those wonderful and innocent children the first priority.

-DC
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:18 PM   #3
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Default Re: New and Scared

Thank you! That is very comforting. I have sought out a lawyer and am getting an informative book regarding my rights at a Military Spouse. I don't want alimony because I don't believe this will get vindictive. Not saying that is the only reason for alimony . I'm hoping we can be reasonable when it comes to the kids and finances.

We both come from broken homes with hatefulness in our childhoods, neither of us wants that for our kids. I'd rather stay and not be happy than to put my kids through this, but when I lose my happiness, they feel that and they are worse off.

Done a lot of thinking today, and A and I are trying to rebuild our friendship before finally calling it completely off. It's my last attempt. When he gets home, if things don't change...I'm preparing for my future with or without him.

I appreciate the support and feedback. PTSD sounds SO understandable when it comes to my daughter's accident.
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