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Old 09-23-2002, 12:31 PM   #1
RubySoHo
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I am a single mother of two wonderful boys, 5 and 9. Their father and I were seperated 4 1/2 years ago, and he recently moved to Budapest after being fairly involved over the years. I have dedicated myself to making these boys strong, and hopefully full of self-confidence, but with this dramatic change, and absence of a male role model, I'm worried. Is there anything I can do? Any suggestions would be great. Thanks
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Old 10-11-2002, 08:17 PM   #2
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hello,

I am a single mother of a 4 1/2 year old son, his father has never been in the picture. I told him i was pregnant, he told be to get an abortion because a baby would mess up my plans for finishing college and getting a good job, well it didn't. The economy ruined my good job, but that is another thing totally. Anyway, i was worried that my son was going to be missing out on male rolemodels but really he's not. Granted we do not have a man around 24-7 to learn from, but he does have great grandfathers, fathers, uncles, and cousins. As well as friends. He gets his sports in, and his male hormones rejuvinated whenever these men are around.

So i guess what i am saying is, let your sons know that there are other men who contain lots of knowledge for any questions that moms can't answer.... :-)
Kristy

good luck
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Old 05-20-2003, 01:46 PM   #3
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Ruby I am alos a mom of two boys and single my boys are ages 8 and 4 and yeah I think at times mom can be just enough but at other times I do wish there was an older male figure to help out on occassion mostly on dealing with guy things like playing ball and fishing and eventually "the Talk". I am prepared to do whatever I have to to see that my boys grow up to be intelligent, caring young men but its a tough road. Sometimes I wish there were single parent groups that were close by where i could talk to other moms and dads who are doing what I do.

just remember one thing that I have found to be true if you expect to fail you will tackle each day with hope and promise and love in your heart and strive to do your best. Sometimes we make mistakes or something doesnt go quite right but if we hold onto the failures we forget to see the achievements we do make. Good Luck to you and your boys.
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Old 11-28-2015, 07:14 PM   #4
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

This thread is quite old, but I am really hoping to get some feedback/advice from someone. I am single-parenting two teen daughters and a 14-year-old boy. I'm worried about my son. He just quit Boy Scouts after 6 years, and now he has said he doesn't want to play school basketball after having played for several years. I'd sort of been "counting" on those activities to help supply him with male role models (esp. in Scouts) and allow him some "boy" time, given that he's growing up with a mother and two sisters. The kids see their dad every Saturday, but he never DOES anything with them; they just sit around his apartment, unless they have plans with friends.

I was thinking of signing him up with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, but I'm not sure. It would be nice if his dad were more involved in his life. He (my son) was in therapy for 2 years because he was so upset when his dad left (as was I, so even though I tried, I wasn't the best of help), but whenever the topic of the divorce came up in sessions he would choke up and refuse to talk, so the therapist thought it best to stop for the time being.

Are there any single moms or dads out there who could offer any advice?
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Old 11-29-2015, 09:55 AM   #5
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

@GrassWidow I have 4 boys and thought about and did sign the boys up for the bigbrothers program, they called 5 years later. But it doesn't hurt to sign him up.

a 14 year old can do loads of guy stuff, like martial arts, 4H club, boys club, shooting range, football and science club. In the religion area there are ton of boy spiritual retreats and wednesday youth groups.

My two youngest enjoyed and have made life long friends with the youth group kids and leaders, my middle found j-pop club (an anima club) and pokemon cards, games and get togethers. My oldest played baseball and did martial arts and biking club. Once he finds what stokes his fire, then do family get togethers with some of the parents of the other boys.

at 15yrs old, its like a light switch, and things will change drastically, boys to men type thing will happen very fast

good luck and keep us updated
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Old 11-29-2015, 01:28 PM   #6
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

I have 4 boys, there are each dealing with the divorce and their mother's actions differently. My oldest got into football and took out lot of aggression on the line (the guys on the other teams hated going against him even he only weighed in at 170 to their 200+), he also got into Forensics and creative writing and art. #2 was not into sports, he hunted, shot, worked on a few ranches, worked on trucks and welded. He did have fun in the pep band. He was not large at all, but he's tougher than nails. Once a large member of the football team picked on him for not going out.... the kid ended up on the ground and #2 "beeped" him nose like "Karate Kid" none picked on him after that. #1 and 2 are now Marines.
#3 focused on band, Forensics and grades, he's in collage for Early Child education to g on be a teacher.
DS#4.... my headache.... 16 going on 30. The divorce hit him the hardest. I have posted alot here over the years. Now DS4 loves football, welding, working on his truck and hunting and outdoor stuff. One minute he's a hormonal kid throwing a fit, the next he'ss a mature young man helping me with the house, trucks or herding cattle, or helping at the church. Or he's dealing with a boneheaded friend wanting to drink..... another issue. DS4 is T1Diebetic, adds a whole other dimension to the mix.
Each kid needs to find his "fit".
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Old 11-29-2015, 02:26 PM   #7
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

Motherboard and Dad1st4boys, thank you so much for your replies. I guess I will have to try to help my son find something that "fits." He used to do martial arts and was one step away from black belt when his dad left and we could no longer afford it. (Then I found out online my ex was doing martial arts -- you can imagine how ballistic I went at that point LOL.)

The kids were born and raised (partly) back East in a more urban environment, so my son has no interest in hunting, guns, rodeo, 4H, etc., given that he's had no experience with them. Pep band and church youth group both start next year (9th grade) for him.

He does have a great group of friends and an active social life, his grades are good, he plays soccer and golf....and I never have him on Saturdays. My ex and I have a rather odd custody arrangement whereby he has the kids Tuesday nights and Friday nights thru Saturday dinnertime. I did mention via text to him that I'm concerned about our son and mentioned -- as diplomatically as I could -- that he doesn't seem to do anything with the kids on Saturdays.

Anyway -- thanks. Maybe I'll see if I can possibly afford martial arts (doubtful, but who knows). And I'll look for something else he can get involved in and, if it involves Saturdays, maybe my ex will be willing to help bring him to/from the activity.

It's so good to be able to converse with folks who have been through the same, or very similar, situations!
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Old 11-29-2015, 02:43 PM   #8
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

It was a huge change for each boy when they got their driver's licenses. Freedom! and more responsibility too.... Custody for me was and is simple, the motherthing really does not want them disrupting her life, and will complain they did not visit her and at the same time cut visits short or say she's too busy.... So, they just went up less and less. Plus the day she hit DS3 and yelled at DS4 and ended up arrested. She blames the boys for that, even though she was drinking She also blames me, even though I was over 100 miles away and at work. We have no control over our exies.... we can set boundaries for ourselves.
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Old 12-01-2015, 04:14 PM   #9
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

Sorry for the delayed reply...I kept getting a virus warning from McAfee when I tried to access the site these past couple of days.

Kudos to you, Dad1st4boys, for successfully raising your sons alone. Hard to believe -- but I do indeed believe -- that a mom would not want to see her kids. So sad.

I can imagine that when my son gets his license my anxiety will skyrocket! He's a good kid and I trust him, but worry always seems to trump every other emotion with me. Today's my elder daughter's first day of driving in the snow, and I've been concerned all day, ha ha.
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Old 12-02-2015, 12:18 PM   #10
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

Hugs Grass--hang in there! He will find his way, and he has YOU watching over him. I agree with the others that it is about fit. Once he finds his 'thing' it will all work out.

And like the others say--we can't control what our ex's do...if they could make changes, we'd all likely not be where we are--but we can control our behavior. So your ex likely may never do anything with the kids on saturdays (he has every saturdays?), so hopefully you can look for things that work around that schedule (i.e. church activities are usually on sundays, etc). Although if your son does find something that he's passionate about that has activities on saturdays, your ex would need to take your son to those games...but you can cross that bridge when you get there...
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Old 12-03-2015, 06:46 PM   #11
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Default Re: Two boys and a mon, is that enough?

Thanks, bluewave; the support means a lot! Yeah, my ex unfortunately has the kids every Saturday. We had the whole Tuesdays-and-Saturdays thing set up before the divorce was finalized, and we didn't want to introduce any more disruptions into the kids' schedule. I asked him if we could modify it and he said no.
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