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Old 05-31-2011, 01:26 PM   #1
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humm Blessing and Curse

Last night something wonderful happened! My step-son, who I have not seen in 12 years found me on facebook and friend requested me. I made sure with his mom that it was okay and she gave her blessing! Meanwhile, my ex-husband's ex girlfriend started posting picture she had of my daughter and stepson when they were little... pictures from visits with dad that I had never seen! That started some wonderful comments and talking back and forth between J (stepson) and I, as well as my daughter. Than my mom chirped in and J was able to reconnect with nana and papa! My heart was warmed. I have missed this young man SO, SO much.

But then the curse...... seems that J found me because he has questions about his dad. No one has told him about what happened with his dad and A. He knows something is up by a comment that A made on a facebook thread. He said no on will tell him the truth. I told him that I would need to talk with his mom and if she gave her okay, I would answer any and all of his questions. I emailed mom, and mom said that he knew already and she would talk to him again. But she did not say what she did/or did not want me to say to him. I am so torn.

Mom said she had told J, but that telling someone and them believing it, especially as it was his father, were two separate things. So I am thinking that maybe J needed someone to tell him that would verify what mom told him -- and who better than the source?

While I am delighted that I get to see a glimpse of his life, and talk to him --- I am becoming angry all over again with his pos father. This is so frustrating because he will never, ever acknowledge all the pain and suffering he has left in his wake. And no matter how much healing that goes on, something comes along to rip the wound off the kids again, leaving them bleeding and unsure..... ugh.
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Old 05-31-2011, 02:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

Ask his mom if you can ask him what he already heard and then just verify so he can stop wondering about it. I'm sorry this hurts so much, you, A, J and everyone involved.
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Old 05-31-2011, 03:23 PM   #3
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

You know what, this is a chance for you to help J start healing. So as hard as this is, look at it as a blessing all around. But I agree that it will be important to provide the information with the support of his mother. Good luck to you.
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Old 05-31-2011, 06:40 PM   #4
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

I can't imagine how it must feel to hear from him after so many years. How old is he now?
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Old 05-31-2011, 09:05 PM   #5
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

idig, he's sixteen almost 17.... All I can say is that it made me so happy. There were so many emotions involved when I had to leave him behind. I don't even know how to articulate all of them. To see pictures of him over the years, to see a picture of his girlfriend now (because in my head he is still 4), to read his status updates and realize what a hardworking, great young man he is..... it's like seeing all those prayers did some good. I went to bed last night and cried. I always wondered if I would hear from him again at some point, I just never knew.

I have seen him periodically, but in the last five years. Each time he would yell, "Mommy Lisa" and come running up to me and hug me.

I think he would be surprised to know that I have pictures up of him when he was little in my house. While he has been absent, he has been present too..... and in my prayers.
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:44 PM   #6
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

What a heart warming story...I agree with the wanting comfirmation part, I was 17 when I had the "aha" moment about my upbringing. I'm conserned though, that he gave the impression that he doesn't know the truth, and his mom saying he does...
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:02 PM   #7
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

zomom, his mother is a whack job. Two weeks after the ruling for a restraining order between J's dad and his exgf, the mother was encouraging the gf to drop the restraining order and "make nice" with the dad.... this was the guy that had beat her black and blue.

So, I doubt that J even knows the truth at all.

So far this conversation has not taken place. We are just slowly getting to know each other bit by bit through facebook.
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:59 PM   #8
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

That's awesome LSL! YAY! It is hard, I am sure knowing the issues that the dad has caused and him seemingly in the dark. Honestly, I think it wouldn't be too big of a deal if he was seeking the answers. He is old enough to know these things. Obviously, he has doubts. The other option would be to tell him that without his moms permission, you have to wait till he is 18 but that you would be more than willing at that point to disclose the truths.

What a blessing this seems to be!
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Old 09-30-2011, 10:53 PM   #9
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

Sounds like opportunity knocking.....a real chance to re-establish your connections and to clear his mind of unanswered questions.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:21 AM   #10
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

WOW... HOW WONDERFUL! I don't have any little ones of my own on this earth...yet, but I have been in a long term relationship where I established a relationship with the child, and when the breakup happened, it was as if I had to breakup with the child as well :-(. I am glad you have reconnected with him. In my personal opinion, I don't think you should tell him anything just YET. Only because Mom said she will talk to him. It also sounds like she wants to be the one to handle it. Maybe she is telling him a story that's not the whole truth to protect him? Either way, let her handle that (in my opinion) because she is his mother. Just explain to him that you spoke with his mother, and it was agreed upon that she be the one to speak with him regarding that. Then just focus on re establishing your relationship with him. Maybe one day when he's older, and you don't have to go through his mother, you and him can have a Step Mama to Step Son heart to heart conversation. I just don't think now is the time, you don't want things to get messy and seperate you both again. That's just my opinion :-). You can tell him in due time.
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Old 12-05-2011, 08:02 AM   #11
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

Thats just a hard situation all around. My mom never totally accepted/acknowledged what her father tried to do to me. Luckily, I was older (15), so I was able to "cuss him out to high heaven" before anything severe happened. Still scars ya thou. Couldnt even look at him for 3-4yrs. Didnt really get mad at my mom-kind of understood her denial. Still hurt thou.
Kudos to you for involving the mother as best you can. I hope it all works out in the end. I really have no advice or thoughts because IMO, this is a per situation thing.
I do know, at 30something, how difficult a time my mother had dealing with/handling the news of her father, so I cant imagine the pain at 17.
I kept my emotions inside for 20yrs because of my mother and my Nany---dear Nany (his wife).
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Old 12-05-2011, 02:46 PM   #12
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

Right. Msmommy. I have decided not to say a word, out of respect to his mother whack job though she might be. I told J that we both need to respect his mother on this issue and that one day, when he was older and out of her house, he could have "my version" of things, complete with police reports and forensic reports if he would like. I told him that his mama knows best on this one, but that I was super glad to reconnect with him. We are supposed to get together sometime before the end of the year.
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Old 12-05-2011, 06:28 PM   #13
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

I'm late joining in but just wanted to say how happy I am for you that you have been able to reconnect with this special child in your life.
I have no doubt that you will figure the rest out....for now, enjoy each other.
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Old 04-06-2017, 06:45 AM   #14
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Default Re: Blessing and Curse

Wow.. It's a heart touching story. Your stepson gives you one chance that you can prove yourself.I think j is wanted to clear all the misunderstanding and you must be clear all the doubts to the special child.
Good luck to you. http://www.myfamilydnatest.com/
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