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Old 03-09-2013, 10:31 AM   #1
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Default Shared Decision Making

I am wondering if there are any others out there that have or have dealt with this distinction.
The current order I have says that I have the majority of custodial responsibility but shared decision making with the NCP. I am not sure how that works since we very rarely agree on things. Long story but here's a couple things to kind of bring into view the situation.

For instance he has over the years even before we got the court order in 2012 (never married or lived together for any substantial time and daughter has always lived with me even not in the same state as NCP) and I have been against it mainly due to the fact that these schools have not statistically been proven to be better then the public schools in this area. So he has brought this up again, our daughter is 11 and does not want to go nor do I want her to go. He's threatening court again (which I don't really about since he threatens that with every disagreement) but just wondering how the courts think this shared decision making is supposed to work.

Same goes with all her activities. She specifically asks to do certain activities and I to the best of my ability put her in, the father argues because she's not in activities he wants and that I don't involve him. However on any occasion that I ask him to transport he tells me to leave him alone or doesn't respond to my inquires about his reasoning.

Help!
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Old 03-09-2013, 02:00 PM   #2
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

Shared decision making is joint legal custody and refers to MAJOR decisions involving education, medical, legal and religious. The day to day things go to you -- the school thing would be both of you deciding. Public school doesn't need an agreement, private does. If he takes you to court, well then, so be it. He will lose.

Activities: that does not need agreement by both parties. That is a day to day decision that the residential parent gets to make. Recognize though that dad does not have to take daughter to these activities when it is his parenting time.
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Old 03-09-2013, 04:58 PM   #3
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

With the activities... at the start send him the schedule or email him the website where all the details are. Keep the email and keep record of when he doesn't show up. Should you ever land in court it won't hurt you to have that in your file.
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Old 03-09-2013, 05:22 PM   #4
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

Thanks for the clarity. I usually schedule all of her activities on my time. The only ones I have no control over are school...like concerts and the like. The judge in our case kind of told him that he'd look down on any parent that would interfere with a kids activities like taking them in the middle of a game or something but of course I don't think he was listening.
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Old 03-15-2013, 03:34 AM   #5
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

Around 7p yesterday evening I received a text from BD asking which school I intend to send our daughter to. Now I know this isn't an unusual request except I really don't know because i am planning on giving him my notice of relocation hopefully in the next couple of weeks. I'm not sure how to answer him, I don't want to lie and say a school here but I also don't want to get into a texting war over relocating. (He has a tendency to dream up drama and go on for long periods of time over an "issue" but never stays on that issue just descends into how I'm a bad mother and he's supposed to have a say and then something from the past he has dredge up and changed into my fault from the past)

Since that time I received 3 more text messages about how he's legally supposed to have decision making and more whining. I still have not answered. I originally wanted to say something like I had not decided yet but that will just cause him to badger me more. I also thought about saying whichever school district we live in...but that will also start the ball rolling on his continuous badgering by text.

Any ideas on how to put him off without tipping my hand or causing him to bother me even more? Right at this moment our daughter is supposed to attend the jr high that we live in the district for but because of school testing scores (how they compare) she maybe able to attend one of the others by choice.
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Old 03-15-2013, 01:16 PM   #6
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

Then just say that due to the local school testing, you are still investigating possibilities. Leave it at that. Here's the deal, he may think this is a decision making thing, but as the residential parent, your preference is what counts.
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Old 03-16-2013, 12:52 AM   #7
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

I think LSL's advice is great. She has helped me with several issues similar to yours.

My ex does the same thing regarding day care. He basically wants the cheapest option and doesn't care about anything else. He will and moan about how I chose a Dr. without consulting him, but in the end.... I did it. I took care of what needed to be done, when he wouldn't. Thankfully I have proof of his willful blocking of me trying to do these things.

In my case, I think the Judge looked at it as me trying to do the right thing for our child, and him ing because he didn't get consulted on it, when he was, and he choose the option of= I don't want to pay for it.

It is a little more complicated than that for each of us, but I feel like the bottom line with things like school is that we have to make the best decision we can. I followed the ex's "cheapest option" this year only to find out the school has all kinds of issues, and I transferred her out to the University Childcare Development Center as soon as I received state aid for child care. He would have never agreed to the new school at the regular tuition rate. Cheap _______.

Good news is she is doing fantastic in the new school, and if he trys to , he will have to deal with the extremely poor performance of the previous school as his "evidence"
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Old 03-24-2013, 12:19 AM   #8
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

Long story....Ok so under this same order I am to notify bd of school activities and such. Welli have been taking pictures on my iPad of whatever notices my daughter brings home and sending them to him through the email. He texted me today very rudely and has been for the last couple of hours, saying that I didn't notify him of something. I have about 4 email addresses that I have texted him from at different times(all of them are my first and last name @ whatever.com) kinda of hard to miss since I have a unique first name. Anyway he has been going off about me not notifying him of any new email addresses that were supposed to according to order. I have had all accounts since before the order was put into place and he has actually responded to me on the one he claims he didn't know about.(my iPad and iPhone use the@me.comand @icloud.com) which go to the same place.
So now he's rudely ordered me to give him a list of my email addresses. I told him to ask nicely and stop being rude.
1) is this enough to take me to court over
2) am I wrong for asking him to act like an adult and not be rude? (All of his texts have been "I'm taking you to court or cursing at me)
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Old 03-24-2013, 01:33 PM   #9
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

I see no reason why he has a right to have ALL your email addresses or phone numbers. He just needs to have one email address and one phone number that works for you. As long as he can get in touch with you in both ways you are fine.

He really sounds like he is still being incredibly controlling. You have to set up boundaries and tell him he has no right to this information. He has a right to his daughter via email and the phone and that is it.

I have several emails, and phones. I have one phone I use only for calling the ex. He doesn't know about any of the other phones etc.
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Old 03-24-2013, 01:50 PM   #10
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

Not enough for court. Give him the one email address and use that to communicate with him ONLY. If you sent them, it's on him. Hopefully you have proof.
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Old 03-24-2013, 05:30 PM   #11
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

I have emailed him from 3, email addresses only because it was convenient to email at that moment. Yes I have prof that I sent the emails as well as that he has responded to me on it before. But I see I will need to only email from one from now on. And your right he is trying to control things which is funny since hes never been in charge. Thanks a lot everyone. I'm working on setting more boundaries.
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Old 03-25-2013, 04:07 AM   #12
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Default Re: Shared Decision Making

Just a quick update: just to make sure bd was receiving email from this address he says he knew/knows nothing about, I sent clips of my daughters music festival to him yesterday. 2:30 am I see text messages on my cell saying I'm rubbing it in that he missed the festival by sending him those clips and that I need to send him the list of my email addresses. Now this is the same email address I sent the notice from. I don't think he thought it through before sending me that text acknowledging that he got my email. Lol I will respond later at a more acceptable time that he already has the address I will send him communication from. So thank you all again.
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