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Old 04-22-2013, 11:21 AM   #1
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Angry Medical visits

I have sole legal custody, but I have been inviting my ex to doctor appointments out of courtesy. However, last time he openly lied to the doctor about R and he has been acting out a lot ( I just realized I said acting out, like I would for a child, sad but true), denying me phone privileges to speak with R on weekends, and recently he just kept R's good tennis shoes.... just didn't return them, and told me he had them and wouldn't give them back. So when his dermatology appointment came, I did not give him the info, address, etc or authority to go to the appointment. J took R since I had a meeting at work. My ex sent me a raging email after I emailed him the outcome and recommendations from the appointment. Was I in the right? My reply is below. Do you think that it is good? Do I sound bad? I have not sent it yet.

"Ex, first of all, you are twisting my words. I will not confirm that I told you I "did not want to bother" with letting you know the location of the appointment because I did not say that, and in fact I did tell you the name of the office and the town in which it is located. With a little time and research, you could have found the address yourself.

I stated that given recent events which have shown you to be combative with me, I felt it was best that you not attend the appointment. These events include you denying me phone privileges to speak to R as laid out in our parenting time order when you have him on weekends, and you refusing to return R's shoes after his most recent weekend visitation. You have a history of being combative when communicating with me, and I personally have witnessed you misrepresent the truth to doctors. This dermatology appointment and dealing with R's escalating skin issues was too important for R's health to be clouded by conflict. While I would always hope I could involve you in R's medical affairs, sometimes (especially when I feel a conflict may ensue) it just isn't best for R for you to physically be there as well as it being a very far distance for you, and no matter what I will always tell you what his doctors say, his diagnoses, etc. as these are things you should know. And indeed after the appointment I emailed you a detailed account of what the dermatologist told us and recommended for R's care and management of his eczema. Additionally I will obtain a copy of R's chart if you feel that is necessary for your perusal. As his father you are entitled to knowledge about his medical health.

I will remind you that I was granted sole legal custody. This means I am the sole person who has the authority over his medical treatment, and who is authorized to take him to medical appointments. You have personally told me you have disobeyed our court order and taken R to a doctor of your own choosing, and have also told me you have directly disobeyed doctor's orders regarding treatment of R's eczema (i.e. cold weather and wind exposure, and nightly bathing/moisturizing). J witnessed these exchanges as well. Given these facts, I do not think it is best for R for you to be the one taking him to appointments. I cannot trust you to tell the doctor the truth, or to tell me the truth, to put it simply, and R's health is too important for me to have to try and wade through that kind of doubt and conflict, so I designated J to have doctor privileges for R since he was available to take him that day. Additionally, J has been dealing with R's symptoms for much more time than you have. We have watched his condition evolve and have been treating it for many months now, and J could more accurately explain the situation to the doctor as a result of this, simply based on the amount of time he spends with R. J may not be his biological father but he is a relation, and in fact spends more time with Roran than you do in his capacity as R's stepfather (who also is the provider of R's health insurance that enables him to see specialists as well). Furthermore, not that it is related persay to your time spent with R, but you thus far have failed to pay your court ordered share of any medical bills for R since the order was finalized in December. You want all the privileges, but you do not do your fair share of the work or expenses, and how is that fair? And in the end, R benefited from a conflict-free dermatologist appointment, a diagnosis, and treatment instructions that have managed to completely clear up his eczema as of this morning. The fact his health is restored is the only outcome that should matter to us as his parents."
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:37 AM   #2
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Default Re: Medical visits

I think you were right to not allow him to go. And it is within your authority.

However, that email is too much. Shoes missing and phone privileges have nothing to do with attending doctors appointments. While I know the situation, mentioning those make it sound like you are trying to do a ___ for tat, if you don't allow this, I won't allow this type of thing.

Further, the part where J should be there and he should not is absolutely like lighting a match to gasoline.

I think you could have been just fine with stating that he lied to doctors, that he has been subverting R's care and left it at that.

I can guarantee you he is going to go from 0 to 1000 with that reply.

Remember for documentation purposes, less is more.
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:38 AM   #3
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Default Re: Medical visits

Well in my ex's email, he asked me why J took him and not my ex. That's why I get into that. Should I not answer that?

The conflict stuff was to explain why I thought he would cause a conflict at the doctor's appointment. Like, since he is doing this petty stuff I feared he would do more of it at the doctor's as he is wont to do. Does that make it any better?
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:40 AM   #4
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Default Re: Medical visits

I would just state that J lives in the house with you and is helping to treat the issue 98% of the time.
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:44 AM   #5
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Default Re: Medical visits

Sooo should it be more like this:

""Ex, first of all, you are twisting my words. I will not confirm that I told you I "did not want to bother" with letting you know the location of the appointment because I did not say that, and in fact I did tell you the name of the office and the town in which it is located. With a little time and research, you could have found the address yourself.

I stated that given recent events which have shown you to be combative with me, I felt it was best that you not attend the appointment. You have a history of being combative when communicating with me, and I personally have witnessed you misrepresent the truth to doctors. This dermatology appointment and dealing with R's escalating skin issues was too important for R's health to be clouded by conflict. While I would always hope I could involve you in R's medical affairs, sometimes (especially when I feel a conflict may ensue) it just isn't best for R for you to physically be there as well as it being a very far distance for you, and no matter what I will always tell you what his doctors say, his diagnoses, etc. as these are things you should know. And indeed after the appointment I emailed you a detailed account of what the dermatologist told us and recommended for R's care and management of his eczema. Additionally I will obtain a copy of R's chart if you feel that is necessary for your perusal. As his father you are entitled to knowledge about his medical health.

I will remind you that I was granted sole legal custody. This means I am the sole person who has the authority over his medical treatment, and who is authorized to take him to medical appointments. You have personally told me you have disobeyed our court order and taken R to a doctor of your own choosing, and have also told me you have directly disobeyed doctor's orders regarding treatment of R's eczema (i.e. cold weather and wind exposure, and nightly bathing/moisturizing). J witnessed these exchanges as well. Given these facts, I do not think it is best for R for you to be the one taking him to appointments. I cannot trust you to tell the doctor the truth, or to tell me the truth, to put it simply, and R's health is too important for me to have to try and wade through that kind of doubt and conflict, so I designated J to have doctor privileges for R since he was available to take him that day. Additionally, J has been dealing with R's symptoms for much more time than you have. We have watched his condition evolve and have been treating it for many months now, and J could more accurately explain the situation to the doctor as a result of this, simply based on the amount of time he spends with R. J may not be his biological father but he is the provider of R's health insurance that enables him to see specialists. In the end, R benefited from a conflict-free dermatologist appointment, a diagnosis, and treatment instructions that have managed to completely clear up his eczema as of this morning. The fact his health is restored is the only outcome that should matter to us as his parents."
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:56 AM   #6
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Default Re: Medical visits

I catagorically deny your statement that I "did not want to bother" telling you about the appointment. I gave you the town and name of office in which the appointment was located.

Our recent communications have been combative. Add to this the fact that I have witnessed you misrepresent the truth to doctors. Therefore, I do not believe that it was in R's best interest for you to be there. J and I take care of R's skin issues 99.9% of the time and we have both seen how this has evolved. As such, J and I are in the best position to advise the doctors. As the parent with sole legal custody, this is my right. As the non custodial parent, your right is to acquire a copy of R's medical records. If you would like a copy, let me know and I will gladly send you a copy. I will, of course, send you the dermatologist recommendations for treatment as it is imperative that you follow these while R is with you.


cf: do you see the difference? I hit all the major points, without the anger or emotion and made every point that should be made.
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:57 AM   #7
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Default Re: Medical visits

Okay, I see that.
I use yours if that is okay!
I can send you 10m of your hourly rate if ya want
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Old 04-22-2013, 12:05 PM   #8
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Default Re: Medical visits

LOL. Please use it! My pro bono act of the day
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Old 04-22-2013, 12:06 PM   #9
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Default Re: Medical visits

Haha sweet thanks LSL.

Now that you say it, I see where my frustration and anger with the ex over many issues, including his nonsupport of R while blocking an adoption by J, leaked over into this email.
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