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Old 01-04-2013, 03:09 AM   #1
Kaes_Ma Female
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Default Surname Changes

Hi there, so this is my problem or question. When I gave birth to my daughter her father showed alot of promise so being so excited and drugged I gave her his last name only. I had originally decided to hyphenated but I was led to believe we would be married. I've been pondering over this since she was born and I immediately regretted my decision when I left the hospital. I have asked him if it was ok for me to hyphenate her surname seeing as she is both of ours and we aren't married. He objected and gave me this spill about blood lines etc. It was hurtful. So doing research I found that a judge would most like not change it. I need some advice. If I feel strongly about should I go forth with it even it may not happen, just to say I've tried.
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Old 01-04-2013, 10:37 AM   #2
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Default Re: Surname Changes

Well yes if you feel strongly about something you should try to do it, most of the time.

I personally don't think I would change her name if her father is in her life. I mean, does he have visitation? Does he pay support? If so I would leave the name as it is. Also what happens if after hyphenating her last name you decide to marry someone else? Are you going to take his name? If so, your daughters last name would be _______-______ and yours would be something else altogether. It seems kind of silly to me. And one more thing, though it is minor, in school she will have to write a long hyphenated name on every paper.

But that is just my opinion. I don't know your situation and again if you feel that strongly about it, then do it.
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Old 01-04-2013, 10:48 AM   #3
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Default Re: Surname Changes

My question is this... why do it just to say you tried, if the outcome won't be what you want? I agree with your research that the judge likely wouldn't rule in your favor.
Not to disagree with Trebor, but I think this is a situation that even though you feel strongly about it, you should look at why you feel so strongly and accept that you may not be successful. You are a single mom- I think it's important to focus on what you CAN do for her.
When I divorced I went back to my maiden name and it's hard that my daughter's name is different... To do it again I may have made a different choice, but then to do it again I may have not taken my ex's name when we married in the first place. But ultimately, what it comes down to is that she is my daughter in every way, and our names won't change that.
Just my 2 cents.
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Last edited by Mama Swan; 01-04-2013 at 10:48 AM. Reason: Forgot something. :)
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:38 PM   #4
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Default Re: Surname Changes

I doubt you'll get far, back in MA I even needed his permission to change MY name back to my maiden name which is nuts, but it is what it is.

One of my daughters used my last name in school for years. Just because a birth certificate says something doesn't mean that is the name a person must go by, but I think it would have to be her choice as she gets older and not yours. For now I'd say you are stuck unless you really want to put a lot of money into court fees and such.

btw I despise having a different last name from my kids, but also despise his last name for the sound of it and you have to spell it 20 times for people to get it. Drives the girls crazy, too. I suspect at least one will change it legally once they are 18.
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Old 01-04-2013, 01:05 PM   #5
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Default Re: Surname Changes

Your research is correct.

And I agree with mamaswan. Why go through the expense and the stress of court for something like this? Something that you can't change anyway?
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:00 PM   #6
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Default Re: Surname Changes

When my daughter was 4 she asked me why we have different last names. I told her she has her father's last name. She was upset and said she wanted both names. I told her she could use both names if she wanted to, and she did. Until her father and grandparents apparently made it very clear to her that her last name was ONLY theirs. _______s. Whatever they said to her, it made her very upset. I told her again, that when she is home she can use both names if she wants to, but maybe to just use her dad's name when she is visiting him. sigh.

I wouldn't be surprised is she changed it when she gets older, but I know there is no way he will ever agree to anything. Even just adding my name. sad.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:57 PM   #7
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Default Re: Surname Changes

that *is* so sad OIS!! it sounds like you made such a great compromise. sadly, i have a feeling my STBX would be the same way. it is why i struggle with changing mine or not

i know a name is a name, and not having the same name doesn't mean you aren't your child's parent, there's just something i find special about sharing it with the ones you love more than anyone in the whole world.

i guess it's just one more thing i have to adapt to in this SP world, huh? i will suck it up, but for now, please let me wallow a bit.
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Old 01-04-2013, 08:24 PM   #8
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Default Re: Surname Changes

I feel for you big time...I finally returned to my maiden name after my last divorce but left the kids' names as they are. Yes both names can be used...my stepdaughter used her mother's name instead of her birth name for a long time until 18 then she legally changed to the name she was using since she was 10...she still had to prove her birth name from time to time for school or driver's license purposes...but other than that no problem. We are in Canada so the rules may vary in the states. Just sayin' that she can use whatever name she is comfortable with regardless of what her dad or grandparents say. Sometimes certain families are too controlling for their own good...using two names with a hyphen is a fair thing to do...you aren't eliminating the father...regardless of the nonsense about bloodlines..sheesh
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Old 01-04-2013, 08:55 PM   #9
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Default Re: Surname Changes

OOHHhhoo, I hear you, so sorry you were misled. I imagine you are hurt on many levels.

My story with names: I have always felt a extra identity to my name. I have a very long last name, in first grade I got to know when teachers looked lost at a name on a list that they were on my name. I learned to pronounce it carefully for them, talk about it, and it generally gave me a great conversation with people from the time I can remember. I loved my family and my name was part of that.

Move forward to marriage day. I wanted to keep my name and share my husbands. So we combined it. It was really long then. So long that when I was in the military, my name on my badge was only partial, it wouldn't fit. I still laugh at that.

However, my husband would never change his, even though he had signed that he would on the marriage license. He was misleading about many things. I was furious at being lied to and felt rejected.

However, when naming kids (we had 7), the first two had the long long name. By the third, I had given into the bully and only gave them his last name. I went even so far as to try and change the first one's last name, just to make all the kids the same. When I called to do this the person on the phone just inspired me. He said, I would love to have both of my parents names, that is so cool, why change that. I reconsidered and left the two older ones with the longer name, no regrets from them or me.

Now, divorced: I keep the whole long long last name. So I share this with my older two kids and part of the same name with my other five, I'm good with it and they like it too.
Like others have said there may be a compromise in using a name you can like or feel less angry using. While there is truth in picking your battles, names were just always so important to me. Also,seeing how my husband really never meant to change his name I really needed to explore ways to not feel angry over this name business , maybe that is what you feel too. You may also find some hope with some options people have mentioned and that may inspire better feelings for you and your babies name choices.
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:21 PM   #10
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Default Re: Surname Changes

Kaes_ma,
I think we can all relate to an extent with your dilemma and I am sorry you were misled and hurt. When I got married I took my husband's name and my daughter has his name and frankly it's a very pretty name, I think. It would not flow as well with my maiden name I don't believe. When I got divorced, I talked to my daughter about it because I had be a _____(maiden name) 3x longer than I had been a _______(married name) and thought about going back to my maiden name. She was 8 and was not to pleased with that whole idea, I thought about my sister whose ex cheated on her and she still kept his name b/c it was easier for the kids and professionally(we are both nurses). I decided that I would legally keep my married name but because I wanted to regain my independence in a way. I changed my name on Facebook, so it is just my maiden name. Isn't legal, but helps me keep my _____(maiden name) identity and that is enough for me.
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Old 01-07-2013, 12:28 PM   #11
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Default Re: Surname Changes

I too would like to change my kids' last name because I think having the one they do just sucks. But I am not pursuing changing it. It is the name they know and identify with. Besides, someday I pray my daughter will marry and take on the last name of a REAL man.
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Old 07-26-2013, 08:09 PM   #12
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Default Re: Surname Changes

I know this tread is old but I have a question in regards to it.

Most of these are an issue of the child having the fathers name and the mother wanting to change it to her name. Well my dilema is that my daughter has my name and her father is trying to have it changed to his. We were never married and never really in a relationship. He is not on the birth certificate...yet.

Is it likely that they will have me change it to his? or is it like your situations that they wont change it if shes already got the name?
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Old 08-07-2013, 02:31 PM   #13
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Default Re: Surname Changes

mommaslove124,

that is a good question. I guess only an lawyer can answer that one.

Personally, I think the whole last name thing is really dumb! I personally believe that the child should take on the last name of the mother....period, unless of course she gives up her child for adoption, or something of that nature.

What is interesting, at the hospital where I had my son, they never actually asked me what I wanted my son's last name to be....at least I don't remember them doing so. I do remember them asking me what is first name is going to be....funny thing about that too.....his father was right there too, and they looked at me, never even asked him, or even looked at him when asking ME what my son's name should be. It was a catholic hospital, and pretty obvious they had ZERO respect for a man who was the father of this child, but not married to the mother. Looking back, I find that strange, usually it is the reverse, but they were respectful to me, and totally ignored him. My son obviously has my last name.

I guess it really depends on which hospital you go to.
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Old 08-08-2013, 05:34 PM   #14
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Default Re: Surname Changes

Thats kinda funny that they were like that to him!
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Old 08-08-2013, 05:44 PM   #15
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Default Re: Surname Changes

ML124, I am not a lawyer and cannot say for sure, but everything I do know makes me believe that it is highly unlikely that they will change your child's name.

I suppose they might if the father had been there all along and was paying support and was showing a very active interest in his son, but if it's just about the name...I don't see it happening. Also, the longer the child has the name the less likely it becomes no matter what the circumstances.

I'm not sure of your circumstances but I think you asked about this in another thread and what you explained there also made me believe that you have no real worries about this happening.
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Old 08-17-2013, 08:11 AM   #16
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Default Re: Surname Changes

I think you consult with a law firm because if you are not married than you can change the surname.But may be there are some variation in law that's why you can't change that.So i think you lawyer will advice you better that what to do.
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