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Old 06-06-2013, 02:57 AM   #1
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Default Father in Jail, getting out, Sex offense

After 19 years of marriage and 3 daughters, my now ex-husband was arrested in May 2012. He had downloaded child pornography on his phone and then lost his phone. It was like a waking nightmare to have the sheriff and children's services on my doorstep at 9:30 pm on a Friday night. I never saw it coming. He was sentenced to 2 years in prison and the lovely state of Oregon has decided to let him out in December 2013 (not serving the full sentence).

He is supposed to be a registered sex offender when he gets out. I don't want him to have unsupervised visits with my two younger daughters (ages 16 and 13). My oldest is almost 19 and wants nothing to do with her father. The other two want to see him. My 16 yr old said he just made a "mistake" and has decided she wants a relationship with him. My 13 yr old has a form of high functioning Autism and isn't sure what she wants.

I divorced him (the divorce was final in August 2012) and the divorce papers state he is to have no contact with the girls. This was in there because I was originally told by Children's Services and the DA that he would have a no contact order. Then they said that they decided not to do that because he never did anything to my girls, it was all just pictures from the internet.

I can no longer trust the man, which is sad because until this happened I trusted him implicitly.

Anyone know how any of this works??? No one will tell me anything.
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Old 06-06-2013, 12:03 PM   #2
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Default Re: Father in Jail, getting out, Sex off

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dodiemom View Post
....

I divorced him (the divorce was final in August 2012) and the divorce papers state he is to have no contact with the girls.

This was in there because I was originally told by Children's Services and the DA that he would have a no contact order.

Then they said that they decided not to do that because he never did anything to my girls, it was all just pictures from the internet.

I can no longer trust the man, which is sad because until this happened I trusted him implicitly.

Anyone know how any of this works??? No one will tell me anything.

mine not the same exact story,
I was told
"just cause he'd beat of womens doesn't mean he'd beat on his own flesh and blood male child "

but I started about the same, with my ex physically abusive to two girls before me and he went into the military to have adjudication withheld on those charges...

then sappy happy me comes along and see a Marine and did not think to do a background check [which i always did in relationship that where getting serous] cause I thought the military would not take defected man... WRONG!!!!!

We were together three years when my ex started physically abusing me ...
When I called the 911 the last time... I was told by the state attorney office to not let the children around him or they would take my children from me.
"for subjecting my children to abusive behavior - putting them in dangers way" I was at that time told about the others girls before me and I was like you .... What I knew about US was no longer valid ...

12 years of divorce/separation ...

It started with him having supervised visitation
then
unsupervised
then
one day on weekends
then
with divorce
every weekend

when did he start physically abusing my children ???

anyway 12 years many abuse hotline calls from me, teachers, friend of children parents, after school activity staff .... it seems every year, year and a half , there was an investigation ..

first confirm abuse - DCF
had him go to anger management
second confirmed abuse - DCF
had him do in house parenting classes
third confirmed abuse
we got in front of a judge in dependency court -
- every month for 21 months we were in court for assessment
- case worker visit every week for 21 months
- guardian week visit for 12 month then once every month
- children went to councilor every week for 15 months then was on call

at closing of all that...
He was charge for child abuse and neglect and got the max of 5 years
- reduced to parole [so to pay child support]
and an order...
"a NO contact what so ever" was ordered with me as discretionary if the children ever wanted to visit his [they haven't]

------------- moral of this ------------
Move as far away as possible before you find your children pictures on his phone too...
as a thought has you inquired if there are any of your children already ????
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Old 06-06-2013, 12:22 PM   #3
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Default Re: Father in Jail, getting out, Sex off

I live in Oregon and am a practicing attorney here. My area that I practice is family law and I deal with this alot. (disclaimer to state that my words of experience are NOT to substitute or be considered legal advice as we do not have an attorney client relationship and I do not know the full facts of your case).

If your parenting time order says no contact, then there is no contact. Period. He would have to move for a modification of the parenting time order. I don't know what county you live in, but my experience in the county that I reside is that Judges are reluctant to allow sex offenders to have unsupervised visits with the children.

I would check with your case worker that was assigned to you from child welfare and see what they think. You can get in trouble for exposing your children to the father if you knew of his offense, and you allowed contact anyway -- this is known as a failure to protect.

I would definitely go back to your attorney and question his/her advice. I know we cost money BUT he/she will know what the particular bent of the judge assigned to your case is.

However, in Oregon, in order to modify the parenting time, dad is going to have to show that he has had a significant change of circumstances. And it can't be that he just got out of jail, because when you got the divorce, he was incarcerated and it was anticipated he would get out. Rather, he would have to show that he had had some kind of psychsexual risk assessment and/or treatment and he poses no risk to the children.

I think the bigger thing I would worry about is the shame that can be heaped on your children when friends and acquaintances find out that dad is a sex offender. Right now he is in jail, but once out, I wonder how may of the friends parents would be okay with sending their children to stay the night, or encourage relationship knowing that their kids could be exposed to such a man. Once he is registered, it's public information. I have a 14 year old daughter and I ALWAYS check parents names through the registry before allowing my daughter to have contact outside of my home/or her school with friends. You can never be too sure.
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Old 06-06-2013, 02:10 PM   #4
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Default Re: Father in Jail, getting out, Sex off

What happened to you is the fear I had regarding my ex - positively finding out that he had a penchant for very young girls and had acted on it is why I divorced him - but unfortunately I was never able to prove what I know to be true. It was my word against his and he, of course, claimed that it was just a tactic I was using due to the divorce.

I've spent the years since praying he gets caught, that something happens to put a stop to the harm he is doing to young girls....but so far he seems to be weirdly immune to justice. The stuff he gets away with absolutely blows my mind.

So, while I have great symapthy for the horror you feel learning of your exhusbands...sickness...I am also thankful that he got caught.

This will also help you, as has been explained, to protect your children. I won't suggest how to best do that, but I do know that I would want them to understand how wrong what he did is. Not saying they have to hate him, but this is not, as you know, a "mistake". They need to understand that their children will be at risk should they decide to continue a relationship with him and forget what he is capable of.

There are some chances you just don't take. If downloading child pornography was a mistake caused by anything other than a desire to see it for his own gratification, then it is the biggest mistake he ever made in his life and these are the consequences....and your children need to understand this.
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Old 06-19-2013, 02:39 AM   #5
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Default Re: Father in Jail, getting out, Sex off

LSL

The pictures on the phone and my computer were not of my children, that was confirmed by the detectives and the D.A.'s office. They were however of the same slim build as my youngest daughter (who was 12 at the time).

I was not assigned a child welfare worker because my children were not considered "victims". I find it very frustrating that they really didn't get much assistance. They went through the Children's Advocacy center for a couple of appointments. Then we were told they didn't need any further counseling from that program.

I don't want him around them unsupervised. I have lost all trust that I had originally had for him. My 16 yr old has him on a pedestal. She says "he made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes". Well this "mistake" screwed up our lives completely.

I am so tired of dealing with the financial hardship he left us in and I can't go after him for any back child support because he is incarcerated. So that means, I guess, that he isn't responsible for the children he helped bring into this world.

Now I have childrens services on my doorstep again because some nosy person doesn't like the way I keep house. I admit I am not a perfect housekeeper. However, I am disabled and trying to work part-time while raising my girls. My 13 yr old has autism and she is very high needs. She constantly demands my attention. I never seem to have time to do things around the house due to her constant demands. I am also exhausted after working part-time each day. I barely make it through each day physically and emotionally. Now I have a call from Children's Services and I make an appointment for the lady to come by and she doesn't even show up. I have appointments in town the rest of the week and we live 25 miles from town. How am I supposed to re-schedule when I have to be in town? I cannot be in two places at the same time. It is totally frustrating.

Also, I need to do a dump run. This and the yard work were always things he handled. I don't have the money for a dump run or a truck to haul it in. What am I supposed to do??? I was supposed to stop working when my disability was approved, but he screwed that all up. Now I have to keep working because my disability isn't enough to pay the bills.

I really hate the situation he left me in. I am just glad he didn't act on his perverted fantasies with any of my daughters. I would have wanted him dead if that happened. Can they really rehabilitate someone like this???? I doubt they will get rid of his desire to look at this garbage.

As far as attorneys go, I went through legal services because I could not afford an attorney for the divorce. I am hoping that when he gets out of prison, that they slap him with so many restrictions that there is no way he can ever hurt my girls. I don't think he will ever be able to regain my rust.
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