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Old 09-30-2014, 11:35 AM   #1
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whoopdedoo Update-questions- thanks friends

So here’s a little update, sprinkled with a few questions, etc about the legal situation with Exie. I don’t talk about it on FB, and really I have been trying to not let it into my life. But I have to let it out at this point, and of course, update all you here who support me.

Our first (pretrial) hearing is next Monday. Since May, every dealing we have had, the JUDGE has taken- I am guessing on purpose, since we are such “frequent flyers” so to speak.

Exie/Exie’s lawyer have ignored every call, letter, and discovery request from our attorney. LSL, I was going to ask you the implications of this. Doesn’t he HAVE to respond to discovery?

They have also refused to clarify what they mean by changing holiday time.

My lawyer, being savvy and really about saving me money (which is really nice) already has everything he needs for the support mod from us. So, even if discovery does roll in from Exie, all he has to do is send the documents. But, of course, this is because J and I live normal lives, on the radar, earning wages and paying taxes on those wages. I am willing to wager that part of the unresponsiveness is Exie does not have tax returns, accounts of wages, or even bank accounts. And we have received no discovery. So how are we to calculate a support mod?

Add to this drama that Exie took a stand on J getting R, saying he would not hand him over and would call the police, and our lawyer advised to call him on his bluff. Much as I hate to do it as I feel it puts R in the middle of a bad situation, we called his bluff and J brought the police with him to escort two weekends ago. They did so, and Exie handed over R, no problems. Then this past week, after Wed visit, he had R give me a letter from him (really special…. ) saying that he had spoken to the police and they told him if he gave notice to J, that J could not be on his property, and that he would be arrested for trespassing after a warning, and that he “highly recommended” I get someone else for pickup.

The same condition continues to apply to me- I am breastfeeding still (as much as I can) and due to repeated bouts of mastitis and blocked ducts, I have been advised to never go longer than 3.5-4 hours to pump or nurse. If I did the pickup, I would be risking infection again every time. So it has become even NECESSARY for J to go. So we consulted our lawyer. He wrote a letter and called Exie’s attorney explaining the situation and suggesting the Sheriff’s station of Exie’s county as the pickup/dropoff if he was so concerned. Friday came and went and no response from Exie or his attorney.

When Exie picked up on Friday, I asked him about it. He told me since I “chose to get attorneys involved, and he’s not paying his attorney to respond to letters about this” everything could go through our attorneys (Wait, what??). I pointed out it was the weekend and we needed to figure out pickup. He ignored me, took R, and went on his merry way.

Later, on Saturday, he called and announced that J could get R if he “parked at the end of the driveway, did not get out of the car, and kept his hands on the steering wheel” because J makes “his other children uncomfortable and they fear him because he is verbally and physically aggressive”. I asked what his problem was with the sheriff’s station and he answered that J could still get verbally aggressive and “his other kids would see the aggressive body language” and he just has to “protect his children”. (His other children are 14 and 10. Also, I don’t see why he couldn’t just leave them at home or with his mother for pickup. Also, does he think J would start yelling at a sheriff’s station? He hasn’t ever privately…). J agreed to do this as we want to spare R further exposure. And after that entire speech about his other kids and protecting them, Exie’s daughter wasn’t even there (so he LIED about her being there) and he BROUGHT his other son out to the car with him when he brought R to J. Yeah, he must be REALLY worried about J.

I think to solve this problem, long term, legally we will have to change pickup location to sheriff’s department when we get him from Exie. Do you guys think this is a good or bad idea? I hate the idea of R being picked up at a Sheriff’s station, knowing it’s because we don’t get alone, I just HATE it. But I don’t see a way around it.

And of course, Exie’s bad talking of me has continued… and of J. He told R the police had to come because he was worried that J would hurt Daddy.

I just feel so weary of it all.
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Old 09-30-2014, 02:24 PM   #2
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Meeting at the Sheriff's Office is not a bad idea. The judge in my case ordered it at the start. He alluded it was due to the lack of civility and reasonableness of one of the parties involved.
Other than that just keep being a positive role model and be super careful to never bad mouth Exie in your house ever, never when R is even in a mile from you. Remember some adults can not keep quiet and are not safe to vent to.
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Old 09-30-2014, 02:29 PM   #3
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

oh cf, i hear your pain.

And no, i think it's one of the best ideas to go to the sheriff's station. Let exie make it of it what he wants. too bad. (also, that your attorney suggested it, I think is also something to give consideration, too--and it's on record that you requested it via 'the attorneys', too).

I'm so sorry about all this drama. I feel your weariness. I had an explosion of frustration last night in my brain, but i am more zen about it today. I am so weary of the drama, opposition, bull . it totally sucks.

And R will be okay. no matter where you go, exie will make up and stories to tell R. So might as well be at the sheriff's station than at his crazy a$$ house. You can tell R that you guys are "following the rules" by going to the sheriff's station. that, like he has to follow the rules at preschool from the teacher at the preschool, mommies and daddies have to follow the rules of judge, who is like a teacher for grown ups.

again,s o so so sorry, cf. and mastitis on top of all of this!! ihad that with DD2, and it was awful. hang in there!!!
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Old 09-30-2014, 02:44 PM   #4
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

Motherthing tried to file Kidnapping charges on me because I'd let the older boys stay home for a game or other school activities. DS4 went off on the older brothers that Mom said Dad is going to jail for violating the court order. After a few months DS4 asked me if I was going to jail, and I said nope. He figured out at the age of 12 that Motherthing says a lot of things that are not true.
Just keep on plugging away.
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Old 09-30-2014, 03:26 PM   #5
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I'll bet the exie didn't want the sheriffs station because such places make him nervous. I think it's a great idea....but can understand how you figure R will be. Just keep being reasonable.....but heck, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the ex just vanish. At some point surely a judge has to see this for what it is.....pure spite.
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Old 09-30-2014, 03:50 PM   #6
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In my case, discovery is mandatory - the attorney and client can be sanctioned in several different ways. The motion can be denied, the client could have to pay your attorney's fees, the lawyer could have a complaint lodged against them or pay contempt fines. All kinds of things. I would file a motion to compel at the pre-trial to force the issue -- but not sure what your area's customary practice is.

Here if you refuse to clarify, then there is no notice and the case is dismissed. You have a right to know what the other side is proposing.

In cases like yours, I ALWAYS REQUIRE a sheriff's station exchange. I make sure the pick up and drop off occurs in front of camera's in case there is every a question or issue.
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Old 10-01-2014, 12:12 AM   #7
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How is R dealing with all of this?
Poor little guy.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:28 AM   #8
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Zo, I am trying to get R in therapy but with paying the lawyer finances are tight. If I ever saw CS
it might be easier.

He is definitely having problems with it and is quite confused. On one hand I think he loves all his parents. Mom dad and step dad. On the other hand, he can't reconcile it with the he hears from his dad. It is breaking my heart.

---------- Post added at 04:28 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:27 AM ----------

As of this AM, CS arrearage is 18, 089. Le sigh.
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Old 10-01-2014, 08:13 AM   #9
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CF isn't it strange you need the CS to help pay for the damage caused by the person who owes the CS?
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Old 10-01-2014, 09:02 AM   #10
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Ha.... yes muskie. I may have no other option than to just do it, because R has alarmingly developed what seems to be an emotionally triggered stutter.
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Old 10-01-2014, 09:53 AM   #11
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Sadly, the stutter is just an outward sign of the inner turmoil. I hope this exie is hung out to dry.
What really got me is that phrase about keeping his hands on the steering wheel. What that just sticks in my mind I don't know but I would be seething. But again....he's worried about kid safety but sends him home with J anyway. How pathetically transparent is all this. A means of getting even, being in control.....whatever it is it is pathetic and a little kid pays the price. Darn time exie started reaping what he has sown.
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Old 10-01-2014, 01:43 PM   #12
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I can't help but believe that he is going to get crushed in court. Is he going to see the same judge as before? If so, I wouldn't want to be him. I hate what this is doing to R....
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Old 10-01-2014, 02:20 PM   #13
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Poor R! It breaks my heart.

Would your health insurance cover R's play therapy...?
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Old 10-01-2014, 03:17 PM   #14
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I am trying to deal with the damage Motherthing has inflicted on DS4, all the boys have suffered, but he, as the youngest, gets the brunt of it. He went to the counselor today and has asked for another one in a few weeks. He's deeply hurt.
It is sad to see what your exie is doing to R. It is just plain selfishness.
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Old 10-01-2014, 10:19 PM   #15
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It is the same judge as we were in front of for contempt most recently but not custody.

Insurance might help cover it but I'm not quite sure.

D1 I am so sad because DS4 was older and I see what damage has been wrought... this is R"s "normal" and has been since he was 2 months old.
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Old 10-01-2014, 10:53 PM   #16
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I am fortunate that my insurance covers most of the counseling.

In one way it's harder on me, I feel my sons need at least one stable parent, so I have to watch my behavior at all times...
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Old 10-02-2014, 12:08 AM   #17
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Dad I doubt you have to watch yourself too much! I hate to see kids torn apart like this. CF with her R, and Dad with his youngest. Lots of really bad stuff happening to good kids.
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Old 10-08-2014, 12:10 PM   #18
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I will update later today after court.... thanks all.
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Old 10-08-2014, 02:11 PM   #19
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Am praying for your CF!!! <3 <3 <3
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Old 10-08-2014, 03:06 PM   #20
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Field report. In waiting area. Exie has decided to sit next to me. Disgusted.
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Old 10-08-2014, 04:09 PM   #21
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Lucky you......fingers crossed for you!
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Old 10-08-2014, 04:22 PM   #22
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Prayers and hopes abound!!
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Old 10-08-2014, 06:21 PM   #23
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@#$@%*
He's trying to intimidate...@#$@# Ugh! Stupid X.
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Old 10-09-2014, 12:18 PM   #24
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Okay, so here goes.

Yesterday was another crazy court day. I guess I just bring out the best in weird court circumstances.

Our hearing was supposed to be at 2, so I got there at 1:45. My lawyer arrived shortly after me, and we chatted about what was going to happen. He seems to think Exie is going down in flames.

He went back to chambers to wait for Exie’s counsel and the judge. Exie shows up, as mentioned, and plops down right next to me. Starts harassing me about wanting to get R early, etc. I said if he has his nap I don’t care if you get him early, but if you do, please also bring him back early as you know 8:30 is past his bedtime.

So then we sit… and sit. Apparently some kind of international custody matter was before us, and HAD to be decided that day, so our hearing kept getting delayed. My attorney had another hearing to get to… so at 3:15 (hearing was supposed to be at 2) my attorney finally tells me to go back to work and he would handle it. We got clear on what I wanted and I left.

I guess it was finally heard and discussed at 4:30, which is weird, because at 5 Exie still had not gotten R. He eventually got him at 5:45 (and then subsequently returned late).

The outcome of the pretrial is sucky and okay in a couple of ways, but mostly sucky.
The judge ordered that we have a half day change of circumstances hearing on Exie’s motion. APPARENTLY Exie’s attorney went in and said what the motion is after is actually week on/week off time (over my dead body), even though it said holiday time…. And my lawyer said no change in circumstance has occurred. Apparently the judge doesn’t know change of circumstance law that well (???!!?!) and asked MY attorney to draft him a memorandum on applicable case law/statutes. WHY am I paying my attorney to brief the judge? I mean, in a way I think it is very good, but more $$ down the drain…

So, he is going to draft and submit that memo, and then in December we have the hearing, which as I understand it is for the purpose of Exie having to PROVE a change in circumstances. If he proves THAT, then it will segue into a best interests hearing, where he will have to PROVE the schedule he proposes is in R’s best interest. Interestingly, the hearing is also going to cover his contempt charges (he is up to 4 now), and my attorney thinks jail is imminent. Not holding my breath though…

But, the sucky part is that it is proceeding to a hearing, and my attorney says to best represent us, he should depose Exie before it to get an idea of what he is going to allege is the change in circumstances. So I paid for 2 hours of my attorney’s time for nothing yesterday, and will have to pay for his time for a depo, a depo transcript, and probably his time defending MY depo. And that’s not touching the trial and time spent on discovery. I got really angry yesterday and I think I took it out on my attorney a little bit, because I said “WHEN will this end? He has yet to pay child support and I am paying through the nose to address his bull!!!” He said he told the judge flat out that Exie needs to go to jail, he’s had chance after chance after chance, and the fact is that I am not getting money when he’s out of jail so it makes no difference if he’s in, and maybe in jail he can think on whether he wants to pay.

I just don’t know how we are going to pay for it and it infuriates me that not only is he not paying me, but taking money away from R with this ____. I am just 100% done, done, done. He needs to answer for this.
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:30 PM   #25
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

As your friend I fully commiserate with you. Fully.

As a lawyer, let me explain some things. The legal memorandhum: I actually do them before most of my hearings. Because I use that as a way to get the judge along to my way of thinking. It is effective.

I am confused though. Is he asking for a change in custody? Change of circumstances usually refers to custodial changes (in my state it does). Whereas parenting time changes are purely best interest.

Deposition: do it. Not only does this give your attorney a way to lock in what exie is saying, the biggest thing about depos is that people behave almost like themselves. They do and say things they never would in front of a judge. But it is a sworn statement. I have had them KILL my cases. And I mean KILL them. I have also had them win cases for me, as I suspect would be the issue in your case. They are well worth the cost.

I know money is an issue and I sympathize. I wish I practiced in your area. I would so help you.

And I agree that jail is imminent.
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Old 10-09-2014, 01:40 PM   #26
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

In my state, if one parent has full legal and physical custody, as I do, to change the parenting time division at all, a change in circumstances must be proven. Then, best interest test must be applied. He is not asking for custody as far as I know. Only more time. I think he has done his homework and thinks 50-50 time will reduce or eliminate his CS.

I see your point about the memo and I do see it as a good thing for that reason. Hopefully it kills things.

As for jail being imminent, like I said, not holding my breath. There is no justice for the parents who follow the rules and provide for the child. We are expected to take the abuse and smile and thank the court for our time.
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Old 10-09-2014, 02:19 PM   #27
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

CF I am sure LSL is correct in what she wrote......but that doesn't remove the total sense of frustration you have as a result of this. And "frustration" is not a sufficient word there, but it will have to do.
It is so awful that responsible people like you are drawn into this stuff while the basic premise of making someone accountable for the child in the first place (your ex) just walks between the raindrops. All the time and energy, if properly directed, could make R's life so much richer.......but instead, through pettiness and character flaws of your ex, your energies are directed toward securing what is R's by right. While the cause is right, it is so wrong that your parenting energy must be directed to this stuff. I wish someone in authority would stand up and say "Exie, when you make good on outstanding obligations, then, and ONLY then, can you begin this type of nonsense."
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Old 10-09-2014, 02:53 PM   #28
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

I am so sorry CF. I hear your frustration loud and clear and empathize sooooo much.

Regarding the legal fees--I'm so sorry they are rising, but i also agree with the depos. They helped our case, too. His brother went on record that he feared for the children's safety, that he stepped in. Then, his mom ended up perjuring herself. All helpful for my case.

And yes, it cost a ton of money, but I just had to do it. But I feel your pain and frustration. it is so ______ up that people like our exies get to waltz all over and bully and bully and the only thing we can do is defend ourselves along the lines of "the best offense is the best defense."

Also, i wonder if the judge is saying that to your attorney (re: change of circumstances) to keep the record clean, so to speak. to give exie no reason, whatsoever, to appeal. you did say this is the same judge who has seen exie before on contempt charges?

again, i wish i had better advice for you, too. i've been really down about all the things exie gets away with and it's unfair and ridiculous. it's hard to just concentrate on our children and live in the good things, when so many upsetting behaviors from our exie's are affecting their lives. RAWR!

Hang in there CF. your friends and families are there for you. as are we. *hug*love*hug*
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Old 10-09-2014, 04:28 PM   #29
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

CF, sometimes things in the Legal Dimension do not make sense in our world, but it works out.
The last time my ex filed against me even the Judge was confused as to what she wanted. She failed to prove I was in violation of the Court Order, and when the Judge asked her what it was she wanted, she said she wanted me to have to follow the court order. Which I had been. I was confused until my lawyer explained that we both had to follow the order unless all parties agreed to vary. Since then I have done just that, I am however careful to have an e-mail conformation of the variation.
I am betting your Lawyer has an ace up his sleeve and the Judge is tired of Exie's games. Maybe your lawyer can go after Exie for legal fees.
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Old 10-09-2014, 07:35 PM   #30
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

Ugghhh...I would be pulling my hair out, too. The wheels turn so slowly and so expensively. So sorry you are having to go through this.
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Old 10-11-2014, 02:56 PM   #31
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

So hard, and frustrating. Hopefully it gets solved quickly and the judge can see through Exie. I have no clue how any of this works...but it sounds lije experience has spoken that the memo is worth the cost. Praying that's the case here
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Old 10-16-2014, 03:35 PM   #32
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

Got an email last last night.... Exie now wants to settle.




Speechless.
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Old 10-16-2014, 03:48 PM   #33
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I'm guessing prior to receiving his email he rec'd an invoice from a lawyer???
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Old 10-16-2014, 03:53 PM   #34
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The email is from his attorney to mine.

Oh, and apparently a letter will be forthcoming explaining his lack of ability to work.... but his tax return lists him as a contractor.... so many questions...
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Old 10-16-2014, 04:02 PM   #35
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Tax forms tell a lot. So do Bank Statements.
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Old 10-16-2014, 04:34 PM   #36
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Wow.....wondering, too.
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Old 10-16-2014, 04:35 PM   #37
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Default Re: Update-questions- thanks friends

Being a contractor myself, I know there are ways to hide income. However, I don't do it myself (honest!) because the penalties outweigh whatever "savings" you might temporarily have. Also, they look at stuff like how can you afford this or that on those wages. There are ways to find out.......and with tax dept. you are guilty until proven innocent.
Maybe he is an under employed contractor.......
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