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Old 08-05-2008, 05:16 PM   #1
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Hi everyone! My name is Kim. I am new and looking for support, advice, laughter and sharing. I need some advice first off.
I have a 3 1/2 year old girl. The father and I were only together for 10 months - it was a unhealthy relationship so I ended it. A week later i found out i was pregnant. I invited him to Dr's appointments and made an attempt to have him involved. He never showed to ultrasound which really upset me and then he called a week after that asking when the appointment was??arrghh I never answered my phone and that set him off. he called yelling into my phone saying i make his blood boil among other things. i chose to go it alone. As i said it was unhealthy- when I ended it he slammed my head into a wall. It was no good for eithor of us. He emailed me once every 3-7 months enquiring on her - nothing consitant. I never did anything about it as i was afraid. He recently emailed me asking to se her. He left the province when she was less than 2 months old - he has never seen her once. I advised him that it should be handled via the courts as they would ensure the best interest of the child is looked at. He refused and said it doesnt have to go through the courts and i am just doing it for my own reasons. I disagree. He once again stopped emailing me for a few months i finally sent him an email saying that I did some foot work for you and you can go ahead with mediatiom which is not with the courts they just help us communicate and ressolve issues and come to agreement- to my surprise he agreed to this and set up an appointment with them. It is this Thursday.
I need your help. What questions should I ask? What can I expect? It will be over the phone as he is in another province. I really dont know what he wants from this and i hope he realizes that if he is in and out it will be very traumatic for her. She is my special little angel I am so afraid, yet , I want to get this dealt with effectively. He has never seen her, I did send him pictures of her. He has not heard her voice, he does not know her. He does not and never has paid a dime for her.. He told me that he wants it kept out of court and he will just save up money for her on his own for when she is older??? okay???hmm what am I doing? I am so nervous. I want my child to have the best. If that means having a blood dad in her life then thats great but I am so afraid of him doing more damage. She knows no difference at this time. What should I be asking him ??
Need help !!!!
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Old 08-05-2008, 05:47 PM   #2
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Be prepared that if both of you don't come to an agreeance with the mediator, s/he will advise you to go through the court process. That's what happened with us .. and I'm from Canada as well.

* Being that he lives out of province, I'd ask that visitations should take place in your province only and he's not to remove her from Edmonton without your permission.

* Due to his abusive and controlling tendencies, I'd ask for supervised visitations - even if it's temporary.

* Can you discuss child support with the mediator? Ask. It'll probably be a seperate case. It's not his decision on how/when this money should be paid to you.

* Don't finalize anything until you've thought about it first. Use this forum for feedback if you need it. When ex's are as controlling as yours is, it's hard to keep our foot firmly planted. You'll need all the emotional support as you can get.

* Figure out what you think is fair with regards to visitation schedule. I started off with a few hours a week - supervised - for the first 3 months. Then it went to 6 hours per week unsupervised. After about 6 months or so, we talked about increasing that time but then he bailed.

* Always ask for more than you think you'll get because in the end, you'll hopefully get the base of what you're wanting. I lucked out and received 120%.

* Ask for sole custody and sole guardianship. When two parents can't compromise or agree (controlling issue) it's best that one parent has the sole custody. This will help elliviate any future stress with regards to raising your child together.

..
If I can think of more, I'll post. I'm sure others will have something else to add too.

Good luck!
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Old 08-05-2008, 06:10 PM   #3
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First Welcome to the site. I don't really know what to tell you, I think jes got it pretty much covered. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to this is a great place to come. Even though it was already stated, I would stress that you should get supervised visitation and he should come to your daughter. Let us know how everything goes.
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Old 08-05-2008, 08:46 PM   #4
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Hello Kim/acesbeauties;

My name is Leanne and I live just north of Edmonton. It is nice to know that there is someone struggling just like you are who is a bit closer to home (no offence to all of those from the States or Easter Canada - it just seems that us werstern Canadians are a bit outnumbered - thoug I still appreciate any advice from anyone).

As for your post, you said your daughter is 3 1/2 years old and that he has not had anything to do with her in that time. I don't think that you should let him push you into keeping out of the courts just because that is what he wants. What he wants is no where near as important as what is best for your daughter. If you choose to go through mediation I would still contact a lawyer and discuss your options if mediation does not work. If he thinks he can bully you into doing things his way he might think that he can do that to you all the time and possibly to your daughter when she is older.

I also agree with mis jes that you should dictate that his visitation is supervised and if you do not trust him ask for a court appointed supervisor - other wise he can ask for a family member to supervise which might not be in your daughters best interest.

Go with your gut and if you think it will not be good for your daughter then stand your ground and don't give up. Rely on your instincts they are the best tool you have.

If you ever need to talk just let me know I am preatty close and I check the forum a couple times a day.

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Old 08-05-2008, 10:36 PM   #5
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I agree that the you should have supervised visits. I went through supervised visits with my son. Your daughter will feel a lot better with supervised visits especially since he's never seen her. Then you can see how the visits go and increase the time if it seems like it's working out. I would definitely go through the court so that you can have everything on paper. As to him slamming your head against the wall, you might think about getting a restraining order if he's getting violent. I would also go to court for child support if you think that's in your best interest. I don't believe him when he says he will save up money for when she gets older.

Another piece of advice would be to document everything. Make sure you write down the date. That way you can look back on it if you need to.
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Old 08-05-2008, 11:54 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by poolgirl:
- other wise he can ask for a family member to supervise which might not be in your daughters best interest.
From my experience, my ex had to choose a 3rd party that I agreed on. If you can't come to an agreement, you can choose one from an organization. Check your phone book.

PS: I'm from BC!!
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Old 08-06-2008, 12:53 AM   #7
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1) How do I get an order of protection on him?

2) How do I go about getting supervised visitations for him?

Those are questions you should ask.
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Old 08-06-2008, 10:56 AM   #8
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Thank you all soo sooooo much! The advice and support of this site is great! I go tomorrow to the mediation. i am so nervous. i cant sleep, I cant think straight, I have so many things on my mind. It's amazing how I feel guilty for him not seeing her. I just wish we all had a crystal ball where we could forsee the future. I mean I only want whats best for my daughter and if that means having him involved and he is going to be a dedicated father than thats great! But if not please please dont put her through that. In the back of my mind i think he maybe he just wants to do this for his own personal gain. He wants to look like the big guy but not truly hold up his end of the deal. I am so afraid of that.
Well, the advice i have gotten is termendous.
Thank you all so much. i will keep you all posted on the outcome.
I came up with some questions to take into the mediation. (arrgghh - it's been 4 years since we have actually spoke this will be so nerve wracking.)
1. How do you plan on becoming an active role in daughters life?

2. I am concerned about drugs being a part of your life - would you agree to a monthly drug test at your cost?

3. Child support is a legal requirement regardless of situation. We require financial disclosure from your employer to start the process.

4. what are your views on disciplne?

5. I am concerned about the current lifestyle you may live. Often times the wrong crowd or group of people can have a very negative effect on a child.

6. I am concerned about unstability. How long have you lived in your current residence? How long have you had the same job for?

7. Consistency is crucial for children. How do you plan on being consistant in her life? If you choose to become a part of it.

8. You mentioned that you were going to start school to become a sound engineer and have been writing books, screenplays, producing music as well you have chnaged jobs from sales to a business man. As well you stated that you are living inthe basement of a $2.3 million dollar home. Are these still happening. I am concerned about the constant chnages in your life.

9. I am very concerned about hostility towards me and it affecting my daughter.

10. I am very concerned about our safety.

these are just a few questions I have prepared. Any advice, suggestions on them. Any other questions. I have no clue what to expect. So nervous. My stomach has been in knots for the past few days. (*sigh* take a deep breath everything will work out!) I keeo telling myself this .

Thanks again everyone.. what a great site this is.
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Old 08-06-2008, 02:13 PM   #9
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Ok I'm going to edit your questions or comment:

1. How do you plan on becoming an active role in daughters life?
.. Irrelevant. He will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Dont put him in a position where he can lie through his teeth.

2. I am concerned about drugs being a part of your life - would you agree to a monthly drug test at your cost?
.. rephrase: "Due to your history of drug use, I am requesting a monthly drug test at your cost."(they may agree to have one done every six months so keep it monthly and see what happens)

3. Child support is a legal requirement. We require financial disclosure from your employer(s) and a copy of your yearly income tax returns.

4. what are your views on disciplne?
.. again, careful with this one. parents can have opposing views on how to discipline their children. the courts are ok with this. obviously he's not going to say he's going to beat your child up and if they believe your child will be safe, they're not going to care whether or not you agree with his methods.

5. I am concerned about the current lifestyle you may live. Often times the wrong crowd or group of people can have a very negative effect on a child.
.. too vague. what exactly are you concerned about? it sounds empty. come up with the facts and proof to validate them. even through phone conference, you can have that proof faxed and you can tell him so.

6. How long have you lived in your current residence? How long have you had the same job for?
.. does he have proof?

7. Consistency is crucial for children. How do you plan on being consistant in her life? If you choose to become a part of it.

.. be prepared for a bunch of hog-wash. can he validate anything he's said? dont fall for broken promises. have him put it in writing and sign it.

8. You mentioned that you were going to start school to become a sound engineer and have been writing books, screenplays, producing music as well you have chnaged jobs from sales to a business man. As well you stated that you are living inthe basement of a $2.3 million dollar home
.. I think this is good for them to know with regards to the child support .. nothing more.

9. I am very concerned about hostility towards me and it affecting my daughter.
.. if you're concerned about your own safety, you can arrange to have a 3rd party pick up/drop off your child so you don't have to subject yourself into an unsafe environment. i'd request this.

10. I am very concerned about our safety.
.. "I am requesting supervised visitations along with a 3rd party involvement in the pickup/drop off of our child because of your history of aggressive behaviours such as.." (provide evidence)

Try and be more assertive. State what you want and always back yourself up with evidence. If you ask too many open-ended questions, he can bluff his way through it. Good luck!

again, don't agree or sign anything over the phone. tell him you want to think things over before you settle.
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Old 08-06-2008, 02:40 PM   #10
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Thank you Miss Jess. This is exactly what I needed. I am so unsure of how to word things. I have a tendancy of asking open ended questions that allow me and others to be fooled. I have only had contact with him via email - which is good as there is a paper trail - he has admitted and apologized for the incidents that took place ie; slamming my head in to the wall, body slams to the ground and a concussion. Anyway, The questions you rephrased and edited are great! I can't thank you enough. If you think of anything else please let me know. I will try my best to get all of "my ducks in a row" and be prepared for some true hog wash. He is very good with his words, and me not so much.
I am printing off all emails and correspondance from him now.
Wish me luck.
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Old 08-06-2008, 03:04 PM   #11
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Nice job Jess. i know who to ask for help if I ever need any.
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Old 08-06-2008, 10:58 PM   #12
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hey thanks alaska

do you have police reports for the physical abuse? i hope you called the police for that.
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Old 08-07-2008, 10:06 AM   #13
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Hi, Today is the big day. I am at work and leave early for the appointment. i am terrified. I couldnt sleep at all last night. My stomach is in knots, i feel sick to my stomach. I have to do what is right for my child and if that means having him involved that I am okay with that. However i just cant stop thinking about all the "what if's". I will update you all when i have a chance.

Miss Jess i did not report the incident to the police at the time of the incident.. nothing is on file. However when he did start harrassing my friends and threatning one of them I did go to a police station and spoke to a constable there who advised to just stay away from him and I did the right thing by leaving situation. So I am not sure if there was anything documented. At that point he was only verbally threatning everyone and the police dont do a whole lot in that situation. I did advise him of the abuse that took place but because I never made a report on it initially there was not a whole lot i could do.. however, I did send an email to my ex advising why i chose to go it alone and mentioned the abuse in detail and he had apologized for it.. would that be enough? Isnt that like admitting to it. It is all on email?? Anyway, wish me luck everyone!!!!
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Old 08-07-2008, 12:15 PM   #14
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Good luck!!
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Old 08-07-2008, 01:57 PM   #15
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Okay so i went and he was a great talker.. he said i am an amazing mother and thanks me for taking such good care of her blah blah blah.. Not sure how he knows. Anyway, the mediator suggested sending him an email advising him all about my daughter what her likes are her dislikes etc. Then she suggested to (next thursday) to go on web cam and have a web cam discussion with my daughter and him so she can see him and introduce him as daddy.. My Mom is completely appaled by this and completely disagrees she said he should show more before i introduce her to a daddy she knows nothing about. I am not sure what to do.. Would any of you do this? Oh and he said he wants to put money into a bank acct set up in her name about $195/mnth... he said he is in sales and last year he made about $98,000 but this year so far he has only made about $22,000 only about $1,800/mnth??? I dunno. What do i do. Should I go ahead with the web cam and tell her its her daddy or will this mess her up?
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Old 08-07-2008, 06:07 PM   #16
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Well Kim;

I have to tell you that usually I am a very trusting person but I have got to tell you that I am being pushed to my limits. I have known a couple of friends who have tried to work out the whole CSP issue with out going to court and the only one who suffered was the child. Most of the husbands said they wanted to do this on their own but then never followed through and I know for a fact that for him to deposit $ into a bank account for her an adult' name also has to be on the account so is it going to be his name or your name? I would not trust it if my name was not on the bank account. If you go to court he has to show proof of income and then the court dictates what is an appropriate amount. I would be just as sceptacle as you are that he will actually follow through with $195 a month when he is only making $1800 a month. In this day and age - in Alberta's economy and cost of living - I have a hard time living on what I make and I make a fairly good living.

Good luck and as I have been told in this forum already, stick to your guns and do what is best for you and your daughter. He is showing up and trying to make and effort but where was he the last 3 1/2 years. It takes more than a few words to make up for that and he needs to know that he has to prove his himself and earn both your and your daughters trust he can't just expect it.

Hope this helps

Leanne
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Old 08-07-2008, 07:07 PM   #17
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Quote:
Oh and he said he wants to put money into a bank acct set up in her name
Uh......no, that is not paying child support at all. If he'd like to put money in an account IN ADDITION to paying child support directly to you/through child support agency to you then more power to him. Money being placed in an account that you can't even use to pay for the child's needs....uh......no.
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Old 08-07-2008, 07:12 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by acesbeauties:
said i am an amazing mother and thanks me for taking such good care of her blah blah blah.. Not sure how he knows.
He doesn't know. He's acting. I'm sure you're a great mom but his compliments make me yawn.

Quote:
Anyway, the mediator suggested sending him an email advising him all about my daughter what her likes are her dislikes etc.
That would be a good idea. Help bridge the gap a little, for your daughter's sake. When they meet they'll have something to talk about.

Quote:
Then she suggested to (next thursday) to go on web cam and have a web cam discussion with my daughter and him so she can see him and introduce him as daddy.. My Mom is completely appaled by this and completely disagrees she said he should show more before i introduce her to a daddy she knows nothing about.
I find this odd. She's only 3 1/2 years old. I also think she's skipped over a few steps. Did you make any requests?

Quote:
Oh and he said he wants to put money into a bank acct set up in her name about $195/mnth... he said he is in sales and last year he made about $98,000 but this year so far he has only made about $22,000 only about $1,800/mnth???
That's great. Let him. Of course this is entirely seperate from child support. I hope he realizes that. This money could go towards an education fund. Child support is money to help out in the RAISING of the child .. food, clothing, rent/mortgage to accomodate space for a child(ren), etc.

Is this all you guys discussed?
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Old 08-07-2008, 07:13 PM   #19
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Oh and sorry....about the webcam....kinda strange if you ask me. I can't imagine a child being introduced to their parent via webcam.....technology age or not.....just seems really strange.
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Old 08-07-2008, 07:22 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally posted by Don:
Oh and sorry....about the webcam....kinda strange if you ask me. I can't imagine a child being introduced to their parent via webcam.....technology age or not.....just seems really strange.
I agree. I think dad needs to put in a little more effort than sitting back waiting for things to happen for him.
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Old 08-07-2008, 10:12 PM   #21
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Thanks everyone for your input and advice.. i do totally agree. I have sent him an email telling him all about her what she likes dislikes and much more. I have also added:
Now, given more thaught about what we discussed during mediation. i do not agree that it would be a good idea to introduce you to her as a father or have a visual of you until we know for sure this is for the long haul. i would love for you to send her email letters so that I can read them to her and have them for her forever. i think if we could even start with that and see how comfortable we are with this- mainly meaning her. i dont want a confused little girl on my hands. she is very smart and very imaginative and still a young child. she is emotional. i am so afraid for her well being - emotionally for the most part. We must take baby steps and i think perhaps the web cam may be a bit too much right away although it may seem small to you. I need to know that you are serious for sure- talk is cheap - no offense. During the mediation i was very emotional and couldnt think all that clearly. I need to know where you are working, some type of financial disclosure, how long you have been at job and residence.. some type of proof of all of this. Stability is extremly important as well as honesty. I want to build that trust and we need that trust. I need you to prove to her that you are willing and completely capable and ready for such a life change. She is a lot of work and deserves the best. Would you agree to any of this? Would you agree to monthly drug testing at your cost? I already have a bank account set up in her name here in alberta which you could do email money transfers into. I didnt even think about it at the time. i was consumed by so many emotions at that time. One wrong move on our part can be detrimental to a little girls well being. they have a place here called rainbows for children- they offer play thereapy, councelling for youngsters etc. i spoke with them and this is some of the things they have suggested as it would be very hard on her and us if you were to get involved and say hey I am daddy and then something not to follow through. She would be heart broken and wonder what she did wrong. What do you think about this? She only deserves the best forever.. can we start with letters back and forth via email and you can certainly send stuff this way i can locate an address for you to send stuff too... let me know.
So that is part of what I wrote to him via email.. is this okay? What do you all think?
I am a nerd.. I was bound by confidentiality to not be discussing this and now that I have with ALL of you that may be really bad on my part. I probably should not have I need advice and some other solutions to this rom others who have been through this stuff.
anyway, my head is spinning, i am emotionally drained. On the bright sidde my little one went to bed so easy for me tonight..yay!!!
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Old 08-07-2008, 10:31 PM   #22
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hey how the heck do i get any pics on here??
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Old 08-07-2008, 10:32 PM   #23
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I'm so glad that all the parents here have been giving you good advice, and I'd wished I'd checked out this post earlier. I'm in Edmonton as well, Millwoods. I have just done the get married, have a slew of babies and because he was violent (left bruises on the babies) I finally got him to leave. Then he disapeared for years and years (5) now that I've asked for and gotten a divorce (and finally papers are on their way) I've recently dealt with what you've had to deal with. I know we are supposed to keep it all confidencial, but I know there are many times when we as single parents need a group of responsible peers to discuss this stuff with, most of the time we don't have any experiance and it is usually the child that loses out. If you ever want to connect, let me know, in the year I've been in Edmonton I've learned alot about resources for children etc and anything I know I'll definately share. From the sounds of the guy, you are definately doing the right thing by playing it safe with your daughter. My ex didn't EVER show up to ANY of his kids' doctor appts or ultrasounds, and to me, well it's a good sign that he isn't ready to be involved. And even though alot of times we (at least I know I felt this way for sure) don't want their money or anything to do with them at times, they have the legal responsibility to help provide for their offspring. If the single parent that has custody can raise them fine without it... then the contributions would give them one heck of an resp.
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Old 08-07-2008, 10:42 PM   #24
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Quote:
I was bound by confidentiality to not be discussing this and now that I have with ALL of you that may be really bad on my part. I probably should not have I need advice and some other solutions to this rom others who have been through this stuff.

For this sort of case, I wouldn't worry too much about the confidentiality thing....seems weird to even have that for this...

For pictures you need to host them on a site such as photobucket and use the supplied [img] code to paste here. Be sure to resize for signature around 250 pixels.
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Old 08-08-2008, 12:30 AM   #25
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I think that it was really important for you to take the time to form your opinion and tehn write it down. Documentation on your part can be just as important to prove that you are making an effort but also wanting to be cautious. I hope that he is actually in it for the long haul and can try to understand where you are coming from and will work to sho wyou that he is going to put forth the effort.

Good for you and be strong
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Old 08-08-2008, 04:36 AM   #26
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that email you wrote sounds excellent. very good idea to take it slow and start it all by mail.

I think that idea of the webcam is weird, too.
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Old 09-02-2008, 05:07 PM   #27
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Okay everyone.. no need to worry about father being involved. He completely flipped out when he realized he would have to pay child support - as by law he must. I am not filing for child support as he has scared me into not doing it. You know what? It's safer and better not to have involved. Yes, the financial help would be great as we are just barley making it- no extra money to save at the end of the month. I guess it all comes down to whats best for her and it is best to not have him around her as it will completely jepordazie our safety and well being. It is pretty scary having someone who has not even seen this child make idle threats of taking her. We are better off doing it completely alone rather than having any bit of communication with him. It was a violent relationship and he has proved that he has not changed. His emailes were full of manipulation and attempts to go about it where he would obtain access to her without the courts and without any responsibility financillay or otherwise. arrgghh. It was a stressfull few weeks for me as i was busy calling family violence and other places trying to figure out what to do and ensure our safety- they basically said to stop all contact and that I made an error responding to his email in the first place knowing who and what he was. Anyway, I will keep posting as this site is great and i love and need the support. Most people dont understand and think i should just go after him for child support -my daughter is worth more than any money out there.
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Old 09-03-2008, 06:20 AM   #28
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I am sorry hescared you into not doing it. Then you should get him to file papers to voluntarily give up his parental rights. this way He does not come and try to get your child for visitation later on. He sounds like he might try to maniputlate you for the rest of your life. I truly hope not. Make him sign it and be done. You are right you are much better off without him
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Old 09-03-2008, 04:20 PM   #29
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Thanks for the reply... I have a few questions. First, He is not listed as the father anywhere. He is not on the birth certificate or anywhere else as the father. Does he still need to sign something reomving his parental rights?
Second? If i do have that form , how the heck do i get him to sign it being that he is in another province? He wouldnt sign it anyway - no doubt. You know how people can be. He doesnt wnat any responsibility and he doesnt want to man up to anything at all.
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Old 09-03-2008, 04:39 PM   #30
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If you weren't married, not on the birth certificate, and no paternity has been established.....then he has no rights.
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Old 09-03-2008, 05:27 PM   #31
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Hi, we were not married (only dated 9 months lived together for 2). he is not on birth certificate and no paternity has ben established... so there is my answer. From what I can gather he doesnt want the responsibility that coems along with being a dad so i am sure he wont file for access...although he is under the assumption that I have filed for child support as i emailed him telling him that I have filed it... but didnt actually do it as i needed a couple more things to do before the law courts would accept them and then he responded with a very angry email and he has not responded since. He has never EVER advised he would pay anything for my duaghter - he is full of lies - and i have absolutely every single email ever sent or recvd from/to him. I can substantiate it all. The law courts read some of his emails and are astonished and think i should definately file support but I dont want to put "gas on the fire" so to speak... here are the last two emails the bottom one is sent form me and the first one is his response to it- probably wont be any further contact (I am assuming)Here are copies of emails - I have only alterd the "F" word. As i mentioned it was abusive and full of manipulation. I have stood my ground and been nice and tried very hard to do what i could do but he is not changed as he said he was... I made the mistake of believing it.... silly me

GO F YOURSLEF THEN KIM. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO AVOID. YOU WANT A BATTLE THEN A BATTLE YOU GET. GET A LAWYER BECAUSE YOUR INTRODUCTIONS WONT MATTER. CUSTOY BATTLE AND VISITATION. YOU WANTED TO HAVE A NICE HAPPY TIME AND A FATHER THAT WOULD BE STABLE, I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD DO THE OPPOSITE BUT I GUESS YOU DONT CARE ABOUT THAT. YOU DAFT WOMAN. GOOD JOB. I ASSURED YOU THAT I WOULD SUPPORT YOU AS I COULD, NOT OGOD ENOUGH, I TOLD YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, BUT YOU JUST DONT LISTEN.

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Subject: RE:
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:35:15 -0600



Darren,

Glad we can at least agree to put her first and try our best to do what is best and right for her. I have filed the support order (just so you are aware). It is something Justice Services has aided me in doing and ensured it is the right thing to do. It will ensure our commitment to her. I have been assured that the government will not do or take what is not able to be afforded or met.
I have been trying my best to introduce the idea of you to her. She is very sensitive and has her own ideas of a father based on movies and friends that have fathers. It is best and only fair to be honest about the situation without downing the other party with her. We have to remember she is only 3 (almost 4)...her understanding is only that of her age. She is very protective of me. She is cued to my every emotion - so it seems. What ever I feel she reacts to, without me even thinking I am showing my emotions.
A letter to her would be great. Perhaps keeping it simple and very child orientated without overdoing it - just be real. Be honest. My best advice would be to be yourself and not try to be anything different - kids surely see through that and don't get it. Keep it simple. Perhaps some pictures along with it, of you, would be great.
You mentioned you had some questions for me and wanted to discuss some things with me. Please reply back with those questions/issues as well, at your earliest convenience.

Talk with you soon.




Oh and for you SFV memebers "Daft" means stupid or foolish.
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Old 09-03-2008, 05:46 PM   #32
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oh I dont think i mentioned that I AM NOT filing for child support now. I am afraid and dont want to "p" him off more. He clearly wants no responsibility and as he has said in previous emails that it would destroy him... ahhh I wish I could just give up on my bills and responsibilities and say "ot would destroy me" to have to buck up and pay. anyway, i am in a fiesty mood today and p o'd that this can happen. I dont know why i am afraid but I know that when i file support papers he gets a copy so he will find out where we live, where her daycare is, where I work... i dont want him to know any of that. I am afraid of him. Justice services did day that there is ways around of that and by providing the emials he has sent along with the support order and black out all my personal info should be fine. I dunno.. i am still a chicken.. she is worht more than whatever amount of money the request from him..besides he would find ways around not paying it... like owrking under the table or just simply not working
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Old 09-04-2008, 08:42 AM   #33
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First of all let me tell you that I'm sorry you are in this situation.
I think this guy will always try to manipulate you so he can get his way. The problem is that even thou you shouldn't need to do anything because of the fact that you weren't married and he is not in the birth certificate nothing prevents him from coming back in the future demanding visitation rights. The ideal scenario would be him signing the rights away, may be now that he doesn't want to pay CS is the time to ask him to do it, I'll doubt he will, if he does he'll loose control over you.
Good luck

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Old 09-04-2008, 09:11 AM   #34
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Well, except for that paternity hasn't been established.....so for him to come back at a later date...he would have to start with establishing paternity and then ask for visitation, trying to explain why he hasn't been there all that time......
Without having legal rights to the child, he has nothing to "sign away", besides that it is typically very difficult to do without there being someone else ready to step up and assume the those rights/responsibilities.
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Old 09-04-2008, 12:11 PM   #35
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Thank you for your guidance and advice everyone.
I agree with Don. there is nothing for him to "sign away". i am sure he would not do it anyway just in spite. He was only able to keep "it together" for a few short emails before his true colors were revealed once again. I am silly for trusting his intentions that he mentioned. I guess we live and learn and based on the emails sent back and forth the positive outcome is that there is more justification for this little girl when she is older as to why i have chose the path I have chose. I wish things were different no doubt but this will only make us stronger and it was a very humbling experience going through this last attempt to have him involved.
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:14 PM   #36
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I understand Don, and I know that on these legal issues you know more than me.
Sometimes I get scared because of what happened to me, after my ex's accident i went to see a lawyer and he said that I didn't need to do anything, she was my daughter, I was on the birth certificate and I had signed the paternity papers. My daughters family file for help from the state for my ex and since she is an illegal citizen they had to put my daughter too so she would qualify, they did it behind my back and I found out when child support services called me regarding the insurance and other things they were giving my daughter, it was a mess to get out of, If I would've file for custody right after the accident I would've had avoided all those problems.
I want to think that there is a more easy way to go on living without the fear of your ex popping out one day and request visitation, what you are saying is basically that you can't do anything to get away, just wait and hope the other party doesn't do anything right? Oh well
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:05 PM   #37
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Nah, I understand what you're saying Adrian...it's just different circumstances. She is the mother and the father isn't on anything legal. Yes he can always come back and ask for visitation down the road...it would not be an easy task, as he wasn't ever involved to begin with. And again, trying to get the system to allow a parent to sign away their rights is not an easy task either. Why? because the system doesn't want to end up being financially responsible if something happened down the road and the one parent couldn't support the child on their own. That's why typically to sign over rights (keeping in mind he doesn't even have established rights) the system wants to see some VERY good reasons (not just that they don't want to be bothered) and even more so they want to see someone who will assume those rights/responsibilities....someone who is going to assume supporting the child.
Your situation is different in that they played dirty and being the mother they were able to slip that through the system....Honestly, had you come here when getting your daughter and asked for advise.....I'd definitely have told you then to file for custody to make it legal. Especially if you hadn't been married, paternity established or not......for some reason I thought that you had been married to her. But even still, would have received advice to file for legal custody.....shame on your lawyer.

In this case, unmarried, no paternity established, no name on the birth certificate.....by default she has full legal custody.
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:13 AM   #38
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We were only dating for a few months when we found out we were expecting, since I didn't know her that well and the little I knew wasn't that promising I proposed "moving in together" and see what happens. we broke up twice since then, I realized we weren't compatible but I was thorn because I wanted to live with my daughter and she, of course, knew that so she kept abusing me.
To be fair with the lawyer, when I went to see her my ex was still in a coma (4 months) and we didn't know whether she was ever going to wake up or not. I kept hearing different opinions even if she would've died, some people said I still had to file for custody and some said not, I guess it all depends in whether some relative comes after you or not.
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Old 07-07-2009, 06:43 AM   #39
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cookie Mediation Checklist

For some reason I couldn't find the one we somehow put together in an earlier thread. I thought it was important enough to put together.

Ask your self these questions?
Am I only going to do this once or am I going to revisit this when my child gets older. I chose to do a visitation agreement until my child was 4 because of safety concerns.

Mediation is better than going to the judge and having him set up the rules because you can make up your own.
Things to consider:
What time sharing agreement do you think will really work? Look at your county guidelines and see what you can live with. Unless he has done something to physically harm the child or is unsafe and you have documented proof you are going to have to let him visit with the child. I would venture to say your child does not really have anywhere to sleep in the crowded house. I would definitely requests that the child have no regular overnights unless he has his own place to sleep. I would request to see the environment that he is in.

Who can be around your child and who can't?- You can request your ex always be around the child. He should not leave the child with any other adult alone while he has visitation. Okay I realize this might really get long if I type out everything and expalin it so here goes just the list.
Things to consider:
Main issues-
Child-support- The state will have guidelines set up for you
Medical Insurance- Who will pay and how much (50/50)
Any other bills that have to do with the child that are recurring- medical or educational for the child.
Who has the right to make medical decisions and have access to records?
Where the child will go to school? (Example: The child will go to school in the town you reside in).

Visitation-
a) When- Holidays- Special events- Vacations- summer schedule
b) How long- Depends on the guidelines and what you guys agree apon
c) What happens when they miss visitation- Do they get to reschedule or do they just miss it. Do they have to pay baby sitting costs if they miss it. ( My ex had to pay $70 a day if he missed his visitation on Sundays because I had to work and I was already paying for Daycare Monday-thru Friday and I got to pick the babysitter- Please keep in mind my ex did not show signs of good judgement this is documented)
d) Who and where is the dropoff point- If you live more than an hour a part meet in the middle- Request a that each parent not move more than x number of miles away from the other parent without written consent. That way visitation is easy.
e) When or if the other parent can take the child out of the state or country. Did you know if you are deliquent more than $2500 in child support you are denied a passport .
f) When the child is sick does the other parent get visitation or is it made up?

Other stuff-
Extracurriclar activities-
When and if they are aloud to spend the night over with friends and when-
Computer and phone access for the child-
When does the other parent get to call during their time with the other parent
Any people that you may request not be around the child
Any other outstanding issues or expenses

I fi I missed anything please feel free to add.
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:26 AM   #40
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Default Re: Mediation Checklist

this is a great list thank you.

Ok i merge your with the one you were looking for.
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Last edited by MotherBoard; 07-29-2009 at 09:06 PM. Reason: merge the posts
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:30 PM   #41
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Default Re: Mediation Checklist

can i request the new girl friend not be around him? im jk i know that is just wishful thinking! :-( but it sure would be nice since she tried to mother him when we were at court last. ( i think she held him more than my ex did)
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:20 PM   #42
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Default Re: Mediation - NEED HELP

i just want to say that i wish you the best. In the end you did the right thing by not filing child support on him. I did that and now I wish that I had not done it In the end it only caused me more grief for 200 dollars for two children. Take jyour child and love her the best way that you can. You are the MOTHER AND THE FATHER and that is all that matters. When she is older she will form her own opinion of her father and he will have to answer to why her wasn't there. I wish you only the best . Stay safe and may GOD have mercy on him.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:23 PM   #43
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Default Re: Mediation - NEED HELP

It takes two people....and your child deserves the support that whatever state/country you are in!! If the father is not willing...there are orders to enforce it. Not saying that the father is stable....but keep in mind your child is half you and half him. You cannot withhold a rightful piece of them, because he may not be the best parental figure. I would strongly suggested supervised visitation and do not "make a deal" to drop it in lieu of something else. Trust me, been down that road. It is true that children will make their own decision/opinion of their parents.....but let them make that! They will only grow up to resent that you withheld a parent...no matter the reasons. Since this guy doesnt seem to be all that interested in the child....fine. But, it was not your choice....it was his. OR, let the courts/mediator/supervised parenting time official make that decision. Put yourself in your child's shoes and how would you feel that if 15 years passes by and you find out that your father was not allowed to be around you by your mother! As a mother, we all have the best intentions and want the best for our children. But, to not know, make an opinion, of the other half that created you? Is something that you can never take back.... As we teach our kids to make good choices, sometimes we have to as well
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:00 PM   #44
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Default Re: Mediation - NEED HELP

Just thought I would throw this out there again since we have some newbies going through the court/mediation process.
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Old 04-01-2011, 01:57 PM   #45
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Default Re: Mediation - NEED HELP

u da bom mykidisfirst!!!
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