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Old 10-07-2009, 02:53 AM   #1
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Default bad situation???

Well I have a problem and dont know how to resolve it. So I will start with the beginning


My ex sister-in-law has an insane boyfriend. Needless to say that he hits her and abuses her. She is currently involved with childrens aid society and lives with her mother and now my ex is there too. The problem is this guy is constantly threatening her and since he does not like her brother (MY EX) He has threatened him too, he already made a false report to the CAS regarding my ex "yelling at my niece and nephew" my sister-in-laws kids that reside in the home. My problem is that I count on him and his mother to help me with the children which they do do, but I feel that as long as the sister-in-law is dating this creep it is bad for my children to be around. When I told my mother-in-law I will not be bringing my kids around because of the accusations made by the sisters boyfriend. she got mad. i do need the help they give but I am afraid that he will target me to get back at my ex. As for the sister-in-law I feel she does nothing to protect her children and has sided that her boyfriend is much more important. He has threatened bodily harm to her family and her and I dont need that in my life. MY mother-in-law and I have a great relationship I still call her mom and she still introduces me as her daughter, my ex is there too and my childrens cousins who they loves and is very close too. I dont want to deprive my children of their Meme but her mobility is limited so comming to my house I would be lucky if she has been here 3 times in the last 5 years. What should I do am I over reacting I just dont want to wait and see what happens
P.S My Ex did go to file a restraining order agaisnt his sisters boyfriend
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Old 10-07-2009, 10:52 AM   #2
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Default Re: bad situation???

This is a very tough one. I think I would have the first knee jerk reaction that you have had. The restraining order is good. Has it toned things down at the house at all? I just hate that grandma's and dad's relationship is harmed when they have done nothing wrong. The kids will eventually suffer.
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Old 10-07-2009, 11:44 AM   #3
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Default Re: bad situation???

Sister in law needs a wake up call. She could end up losing her kids if it keeps up. So sorry you are having to go through this. I hope it all works out for the best. IMO, if SIL wants to invite this into her life, she needs to get the heck out of the rest of yours.
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Old 10-07-2009, 05:02 PM   #4
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Default Re: bad situation???

I think you need to do what you have to do to provide a steady, calm atmosphere for your children. I moved out of an apartment complex because the neighbors would throw each other up against the walls and one time it shook the sliding glass door and made the kids cry because they were scared. Your MIL should not be putting up with this in her home to begin with.
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Old 10-08-2009, 01:33 AM   #5
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Thumbs up Re: bad situation???

The SIL must stay with her mother by cort order to keep her children, she can not provide for them and is obviously unstable. Her BF hits her occasionally when they are at his house he doesnt like my ex because my ex told him to keep his hands off his little sis. Ultimatly I told her that if she is involved with her Bf that she can no longer be around my kids. I havent brought them there since the EX sees them at my place. Problem now is canadian thanksgiving is comming up and I had promised to spend it with them and my son is starting to beg me to bring him to his Meme's. I dont want to keep them from them because I feel it is unfair but as a single mother I have enough drama and stress to add to it.
P.S the sil said called today to say I can bring the kids because she broke up with him and my only reply was "for how many days this time?" I really have lost all respect for her.
I do feel for her but she can leave him easily she is not stuck. They have no kids dont live together and are not financially depended on him that is why I cant figure out why she stays.
thanks for the replys
take a quick poll should I stay or go to thanksgiving I will make my choice based on replies

---------- Post added at 12:33 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:29 AM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluesmom View Post
Sister in law needs a wake up call. She could end up losing her kids if it keeps up. So sorry you are having to go through this. I hope it all works out for the best. IMO, if SIL wants to invite this into her life, she needs to get the heck out of the rest of yours.
completly agree with you
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Old 10-08-2009, 02:09 AM   #6
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Default Re: bad situation???

Quote:
Originally Posted by crs View Post
P.S the sil said called today to say I can bring the kids because she broke up with him and my only reply was "for how many days this time?" I really have lost all respect for her.
I do feel for her but she can leave him easily she is not stuck. They have no kids dont live together and are not financially depended on him that is why I cant figure out why she stays.
Okay, I have to ask you to lighten up on her a bit. Not in that you should not protect your kids, you should. However, I have been in her shoes. I was in an abusive relationship. You have to understand the psychology of it. To you on the outside, it looks so obvious. But to her--there is unhealthy co-dependency taking place that she does not understand. She is operating from a standpoint of absolute fear. Most abusive men come off as charming and wonderful to the woman--in the beginning. But then an awful cycle begins. My guess is that your SIL's self esteem right now is non-existent. She likely believes that she won't be able to make it without him, and she is scared of what he will do.

It takes the average abused woman 7 times of leaving before she really means it. That's an average. For some women, it's much longer, some shorter. Another stat that might interest you--- 1 in 4 women in the states are abused by an intimate partner at some point in their lives.

Realize your sil is sick. But she can get healthy again. There are many of us on the board who are living proof of that. The person that you should lose all respect for, is the man who is abusing her.
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Old 10-08-2009, 11:13 AM   #7
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Default Re: bad situation???

I agree with LSL that if your SIL is making an effort to free herself of this guy I would be very supportive of that. Not saying I would throw my kids under the bus over it (it will take time to reestablish trust in her conviction), but if the BF isn't around I would certainly attend family functions.
What I wouldn't allow is for SIL to force the presence of the BF on the rest of you.
Message to her is if this is what you want in your life, then you will have to sacrifice our present relationship because I will not allow an abusive person in mine or my chidrens life.
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