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Old 01-11-2004, 02:11 PM   #1
smvt
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my mom is great to a point. she helps out when i need help most of the time with my son. when it comes to bills and rent she holds all money from and tells me i'm no good with money. it's like mom i try. by no means do i want her to pay my way but just stop and reliase that i am good with money it's just hard to not be able to do anything with my check but pay bills and rent.

when i try to correct my son or i let him go to his friends house with out me she freaks out and says i just want him out of my hair. that i'll do anything to get him out of my face. which is so not true. she makes is seem that i just let him run wild on the city streets. i don't i walk him to his friends house which is only four houses down the street or his friends' mom walks her son down to my house so they can play.

she makes it sound like i don't take good care of him. i'm to lentat on what i let him do. yes i can be at times only because i've just had it and want some peace but usally i'm pretty good about being a good mom.

somtimes she makes me feel like i am the worst parent in the world. i have to work fultime in order to aleast make ends meet. so the down side is that my son spends alot of time at school and daycare so my mom twist it around that i force him to live at school and daycare. well the state requires that my son goes to school unitl he is of at least 16yrs (he will graduate) but just making my point. then what am i suppose to do have him at work with me? i can't do that.

everytime i want time to myself or go out to a club with my friends my mother puts on the guilt trip. you don't seem him all week and not you're running off to a bar for the night. it makes me sound like a *****. i get to go to a club maybe once every other month if i'm lucky.

then she will threaten to call srs on me if i don't start taking care of my son. hello what more can i do? i spend all weekend with him. i bring ot the movies if i have the money. i bring him to b-parties..i try to get involved with as much school stuff as i can. i can't afford to be an at home mommy. there is just now way.

i love him but i also have to work. like she was the greatest mother. she worked full time all of my life. she controlled everything i did. i never got a normal teen life. at the age of 10 i was taking care of myself and making my own stuff to eat. i was doing house work at the age. sure i had a father and was at home instead of daycare but my father was never really invloved in what i did. she made me grow up so fast and then i had a child at 19yrs which was my fault, i know, and not her's but she forced me to give everything i had. i lost friends because she wouldn't babysit even though i was livng at home. she worked nights and had no time to babysit him. sure she helped me out at night with feedings but i had to be up while she feed him. i never got to sleep.

somedays i think she does mean things to me just to pay me back for the life she led growing up. i really resent her for that.

and if there is any flaw about my childhood then it gets blamed on my father,which granted he did not help out a whole lot even though my parents were together. she just can not admit that she screwed up my life. she was the prefect mother at all times. she tells everyone that she raised my son and still is even though i live out on my own and have since he was 1yrs old. everyone oohs and ahhs over her and makes a big fuss. the poor sacrificeing grandmother and mother. please.

well now that i have vented and let off some steam i'll end now. thanks for listening to my age old sob story of rents.

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Old 01-11-2004, 09:35 PM   #2
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SMVT,
Give your mom a little respect. Moms know what is best some not all. My mom gives me advice all the time but if want to take it I can and if I don't then that's ok not to take her advice. I use to like to go out but it is not about me anymore because I have children so it is not my moms responsibility it is mine. But my mom will watch my kids for me if I want to do something but it is not often I go out so when I do ask her she doesn't mind. Hope things get better for you.
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Old 01-12-2004, 11:23 AM   #3
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Quick question. Do you live with your mother? If so, its time to go.

Mothers always mother. And every mother's style of mothering is different. Being controlled in your 20's isn't good for you, in my opinion. This is the time you need to get out and find your way. She may be afraid to let you go, afraid that you will make mistakes, but the thing is, we all make mistakes. That's how we learn. As much as your mom would like you to learn from her mistakes, it doesn't generally work that way.

The bottom line is its your life to make or break as you choose. And you need the opportunity to get out there and make those choices. That's a gift you will have to give yourself.
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Old 01-15-2005, 12:25 AM   #4
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I think you made a wise choice in moving out on your own. This way you'll feel more empowered into making your own choices, independently.

I'm sure your mom meant well with her intentions but perhaps she didn't realize how controlling and over-bearing she came off. She was to support you in your time of need, not divi-up your hard-earned paychecks and take over. I think she's crossed the line with that, at best.

Maybe she's still angry over you having this child? If this is the case, she needs to let it go and understand that you're a mature adult who can handle the responsibilities - whether it's in the perfect way or not. We all make mistakes in raising our children. It's how we learn.

I hope you're getting the encouragement you need. If your mom is unable to offer you that at least, then I would limit her company for a while. You need to start building a healthier foundation. If she's tearing down the walls every chance she gets, then a little space is well deserved.

Best of luck,
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Old 01-20-2005, 01:24 AM   #5
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Yes, we should all respect our parents. But you don't have to show respect for your parents by allowing them to verbally batter you nor do you have to allow yourself to be disrespected in return. Once you are an adult you are exactally that. You may not have all the answers but you can now contribute to the answers. You raise your children one of many ways either completely different then your parents or simular to your parents. Sounds to me maybe that is why your mother is so hard on you because she did raise you the same way and deep down inside she is trying to keep you from making the same mistakes.
However, she is going about it in the wrong way. So I believe you should simply say when your mother gets out of hand with her words, Mom I have to ask you to please stop battering and slandering me, I am your daughter but I am no longer your child and this will be understood it is not a debate or an argument, It is ok for you to feel the way you do about how I raise my child it is your right to disagree however it is not alright for you to anounce to everyone that you raise my child especially since one of your gripes is that he is always at school or day care so according to that Day care and the school are raising my child. I refuse to feel guilty when I want to go out and I will no longer allow it regarless of what you say. It is not against the law to have children and go out on the weekends so here is the phone call whoever you think you need to I am not afraid or ashamed of how I am raising my child.

I don't have these problems with my mother my mother respects that I am an adult and treats me like one.
She says I don't babysit I said what if I have to go to work. She said oh I will babysit for that but if you want to go out on the weekends you'll have to find another sitter.. I laughed and said Ok Mom but I usually do.

I had a friend once said, "What if your son comes home one day age 15 or 16 and says, Mom I got a girl pregnant?" I would say whats her name does she have a place to go how old is she? and I would say when can I meet her? Then I would say I'm a little disapointed in you son but I love you and I will get over it however you need to take care of your child as to not disapoint me anymore. Whatever you or her and the child need I am right here, As long as no one takes me for granted. But if you ever do that baby wrong I will be here for her and the baby and to heck with you and if she ever does that baby wrong I will be here for you and the baby and ta heck with her and if both of you do that baby wrong then I will be here for that baby and to heck with the both of you.
When I had children I became responsible for them and every life they bring into this world.
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Old 01-23-2005, 09:22 AM   #6
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Firstly yes but it is only because we care,I am sure you've had your moments of psycotic motherly behaviour like the rest of us.
And secondly I think that despite what your mother says (there is always something we could be doing better) you should know within yourself as to why you do the things you do,so unless you think there may be some truth to what she says ignore her or tell politely to ____ out.
Either way just accept that she is only doing this because she cares (despite how it may come across) & be thankfull that you have her as there will eventually come a time when you will miss her infuriating ways.
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Old 01-23-2005, 10:09 PM   #7
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I think I saw you mentioned, you live on your own since your son was 1yr. Well good. I am a single mom too and trust me its been a rough road. Your son goes to school and daycare so which means you donot get to spend too much time together. Same with me. I try to make it up on weekends and any off times I have. As a mother you are responsible for your son; not your mom. Whom do you live him with to go to clubs? Comeon; he needs you now. I agree there are times I feel like pulling my hair out because I want some time alone. Are you taking your son places on the weekends? I think your mom feels you are not spending quality time with your son and I think she maybe right. When kids are born, our life styles change. I do go to a house party on occasions, but no clubs. Can't anymore. Think of what your priorities are right now. What you do now with your son, the sacrifices you make he will remember. If you leave him with Grandma to go to clubs every weekend, thats what he will remember. Its good to have friends, but hey....I'll take my daughter anyday!!!. Don't mess up. Be a good mom to your son. Be there for him. Goodluck.
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Old 03-16-2006, 03:53 PM   #8
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I know this is an old post, but I feel like adding my 2 Cents. First, I think my mother can be psychotic, but she helps me out a lot and I appreciate that and I try to let her know that as often as I can. I'm only 22 and I had my little boy in November. I love him very much and I spend as much time with him as I can, but I am still young and I still need personal time every now and again. I might go out once a month. I mean, even though you're a mom you should still try to keep some of your pre-mommy identity. It isn't healthy to sacrifice all of yourself to be super mom. When you're under as much stress as so many of us are, you need some time to decompress. I wish more of our moms understood that.
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Old 12-24-2006, 12:33 AM   #9
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Actually I am a mother and I was told that weather we like it or not psycho and controlling are part of the job description of being a mom needless to say that is only to our children in most cases who see us this way.
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Old 02-23-2007, 03:39 PM   #10
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You know what is the best way to not have your mothers input in your life? Dont ask her for help and dont rely on her. You need to get yourself into a place where you can pay your bills and take care of your son without depending on her. Then she will have less say in how you live.

In the meantime, your son must be your priority. I live with my mother so that I can go to college. My daughter is my number one priority, which means I dont go to clubs and I dont feel the need to buy things I cant afford because the little money I do have has to go to taking care of her. It is hard to work full time and have all your money go to rent and bills. Most of us single parents do that every day.

If you are always doing what is best for your child, not just "being pretty good about being a pretty good mom" and you take care of your business, your mother has no reason to give any input into how you live.
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:34 PM   #11
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No, all mothers aren't psycho and controlling. My mother is actually, awesome. She tells me often how proud she is of me. I work and take excellent care of my daughter. On the occassion I do need her help, she's there without hesitation and never holds it over my head. However, i'm an established adult and take care of my business. I work hard and she knows it. I agree that it may be time to move out and prove yourself as an adult and a parent. Maybe your mom will start to view you in a different light.
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:44 PM   #12
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Old 03-17-2007, 06:00 PM   #13
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Yeah, including my mother who tryed but wasent tyranical enough, I have known three, pretty much should say no comment also, but all three tryed to control, we are talking their babies no matter what. Some women never want to let go.
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Old 03-21-2007, 12:14 PM   #14
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Ok, time for my two cents (better late than never, cuz you know, I'm just awesome and we can't survive without my advice!)...sometimes it's called tough love. My mom was very hard on me a few years ago, pretty much turned her back on me and nothing I did was right when it came to parenting. Instead of wallowing in bad feelings, I chose to prove myself. I left my mother out of my life while I got back on my feet. She wasn't even really included in the planning of my wedding. After a year or so, we started getting closer because she saw how hard I was trying. I had to make some very difficult decisions for my daughter that made me give up what I think was the love of my life, but my choices were better for her not me--my mom knows about this sacrifice and respects me for it in some ways. Anyway, now my mom is my closest friend. So, the point of this is that things can get better.

Advice--detach yourself from your mom and gain some independence. Take back control of your money. When you do talk to her, if she starts putting you down, tell her that you don't appreciate it at all and that when she can respect you as an adult, you can have a relationship with her again. (easier said than done, I know, but sometimes you have to go through the hurt and get rid of negatives in your life). Now this is the big BUT...do not under any circumstances go to her with your problems, financially or otherwise, it will just give her reason to say I told you so.
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Old 03-21-2007, 12:45 PM   #15
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Bah ha ha

list me in the no comment's
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Old 04-02-2007, 07:15 AM   #16
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You know, I'm reading through this old post, and seeing all the responses. I know it's old, and maybe smvt will never see my response, but I did not see any posts that even came close to mentioning that maybe her mom really might be a horrible mother. I know alot of people complain about their moms, and alot of it is just whining, and there are alot of moms out there who want to make sure their children can stand on their own two feet, so they can rest easy when they leave the planet that their kids will be ok on their own. But that doesn't sound anything at all what this girl said. Her mother sounded like she was a real controlling nutjob. And why is it that we HAVE to respect and love our mother just because she gave birth to us? Like Susan Smith? (She strapped her little guys in the car and sent them into the lake). Ok, extreme case. But, there are a zillion threads on here about bad ex's (usually men). There's also alot of responses to these threads that encourage orders of protection, and making sure that the kids don't have to be with their dad alone because he's just plain bad. Ok, extreme again, but maybe this woman was just plain nasty. Why should she honor, love and respect? I grew up with a mom that was psychotic. If she wasn't on her meds, she was off the wall. Even if she was on her meds, there was no real talking to her, other than the weather, and when supper was. I can honestly say that I NEVER EVER had a conversation with my mom about a boy I liked. Feelings. ***, oh God forget that. There was no talking to her. One example of me trying to talk to her was me telling her that I had a date with a boy. (I was around 16). She didn't ask me his name or anything, she just said "Make sure he pays". End of conversation. So, my point is just because she birthed you doesn't mean she's a mother. She's the woman who gave birth to you. Most women can do this. To be classified as a mother, I think, is where the love and nurturing and raising you come into play. Just like a dad. Some women call them "sperm donors", because they do not deserve the title of dad. Works both ways.

My mom is gone now. I loved her, because I was supposed to. Now, I realize that I loved her because she needed to be loved. She was a sick woman who had no childhood to speak of. She went to work when she was 12 at a muffler shop in Manhatten to help her mother out. She never knew her dad. Her mother spoke no English. She was Polish. My mom never had a toy. Not one. Not even a doll. They could never afford it. Her mom was the super of an apartment building in what they called Spanish Harlem, NY back in the 40's.

My father never understood what was wrong with my mother. He took her to the doctor, and she was committed many times because there was no handling her. But even he couldn't take it at times. So he yelled at her all the time.

Aaaannnyyyywwwaaaayyyysssss, this girl's mom sounds like she has all her marbles, but she sounds like a real *itch. She doesn't sound like she is tough loving her, she just sounds like she's holding everything she's ever done for her over her head. She sounds compassionless. I don't understand the work and child care thing either. What the heck are you supposed to do when you're a single mom? Your child HAS to go to after school care (if you have it). That's not fair of her to say. Why doesn't SHE offer to watch her grandson while her daughter works? And everyone deserves a night out now and then. She can't babysit? She doesn't even sound like a nice grandma. If she was, she'd WANT to see her grandson, even if she didn't agree with her daughter going out.

Well, I guess I'm just saying that I don't agree with that old saying "Love thy Mother and Father" and "Respect your parents". They are just people too, and they have to earn the love and respect. It's really not a hard thing to earn, if you think about it. I find it very easy to do with my child. Because I'm nuts about her, and more than anything in this world, I want her to be happy. That comes natural to me. I guess it doesn't to everyone, though.
Well, I've said my piece (peace?). If anyone reads it.
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Old 04-02-2007, 09:20 AM   #17
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Actually I believe the saying is honor your parents. That has nothing to do with love or respect, it simply means that because they gave you life, you will do your best not to hurt them. At least it does to me. I love my parents, but I have little respect for my dad, and only a bit more for my mom, because of some issues from my teen years and how they handled my pregnancy (NO support whatsoever!) However, I will honor them, and I do that simply by not holding their mistakes against them, when they are now trying a lot harder than they did in the past.

I agree with you in that a mother is someone who tries, just like a father is someone who tries. If they just give a child existance but don't care or nurture that child, then they aren't parents, they are genetic donors. Parenting requires action, and I think all of us here are trying our best to actively parent our kids.
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:08 AM   #18
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I dont know if the original person who posted this thread will come back either. But I had a different take on it. I can't tell if her mother is actually psychotic and controlling or just trying to get her to be a responsible parent.

In either case, to me the answer is always this: If you allow people to pay your bills, watch your kids, give you a place to live, etc... Then you should expect that they will want to have a say in what you do and how you do it. The only solution to that is to become self sufficient. Once you are self sufficient, you can tell people who poke their nose in your business to **** off, including your mother if need be. That's part of being an adult.

At present I am living with my mother so I can go to school. I wouldn't be able to do it without her. As close as we are, there are times when she is "in my business" more than I want. She knows more about my private life and my financial situation than I would normally disclose to her. But, that comes along with her helping me and it's something I have to accept.
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Old 04-02-2007, 08:54 PM   #19
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Missabb, I dunno if I'm ever gonna get tired of nodding along as I read your responses. Level headed you are......or at least you share the same sort of head as me (which I guess isn't always all that level)...

Here's something that I wrote a few years ago, to a mother that was complaining about her mother who was giving her a place to stay. It's one that I remember sometimes, partially because of the positive feedback I got in the thread, but also because it was an example of where I first wrote a pissed off response to the mother and resisted the urge to push the Post button...and then later wrote something constructive that might have had a positive impact.

Not to say that your posts aren't constructive...they always seem to be. Really...full of good sense and said in a way that they get the point across to people who might not initially agree with you. I have two thumbs up pointed at my screen right now......

Alright...I'm done embarrassing the both of us...

Later,
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Old 05-05-2007, 01:39 AM   #20
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Thanks BigB.
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