Wild Dancing Thanksgivng Turkey Keeping my mouth shut ... - Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices
All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!
         


Go Back   Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices >
(``'·.¸(``'·.¸ Blended Parents / Step Parents ¸.·'´´)¸.·'´´)
> Step Mothers


~ Donate Today ~ PLEASE
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-21-2012, 08:07 AM   #1
Pantherschik Female
Parent on Board
 
Pantherschik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 172
Rep Power: 0
Pantherschik is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Keeping my mouth shut ...

I don't know whether I would call myself a "step parent" , however I guess in ways I am.

I have just recently moved in with my boyfriend of 2 years ... I have a 10 year old son, and he has a 5 year old son. My son is with us all the time , except every second weekend when he goes to his dads house. The weekends that he is with me, my boyfriend has his son at the same time.

I am finding it hard to deal with a little at the moment, not the fact there is another kid, but the discipline (or lack of) that seems to occur.

Now I know and I understand that he only gets to see his son for 2 days every fortnight, which I totally appreciate as I have been in that situation, and I understand that it's somewhat a "holiday" when he comes to ours ...

but

I am starting to get frustrated with the whinging that goes on .. and the lack of respect he seems to have. If my son behaved the way he did sometimes I would pull my son into line, however I don't feel right doing it to my BF's son.

I am of the firm belief that you don't make seperate meals for everyone at dinner time. I was bought up that you eat what's put in front of you , or you go hungry .. simple ...

So I make bacon and eggs for breakfast, make enough for us, and his son complains that he doesn't want it ... so he has something else .. essentially was a plate of food going to waste (which I hate) ...
Tonight I make dinner (because in the past we have always had take away - what he has wanted) but I simply can't afford to do that anymore .. so I make something simple.. chicken with mash potato and carrots .. again he whinges .. well I walk off ...
If that was my son, I would make him eat it, and if he didn't want it, then tough titties he starves ..
Now granted we made him eat it, but even in saying that he didn't even touch half of it , and proceeded to whinge ..

I walked away .. knowing that I can't really discipline him, as I don't feel right doing it, and I am not his mother so I don't feel I should have to either ..

I can understand he is 5 , and maybe it's because I haven't been around a 5 year old for such a long time now (my 10 year old is very independent) .. that I don't know how they are supposed to behave..

Am I expecting to much ??

---------- Post added at 09:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:43 PM ----------

This should have been in Blended Parenting - OPEN 24 Hour .... oops my bad
Pantherschik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 08:50 AM   #2
Woodsimply Female
Thinks too much

 
Woodsimply's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: On the wrong side
Posts: 2,751
Rep Power: 157
Woodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an Angel
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

I dont think your expecting too much. I had the same issue with my exbf. One of the reasons (of many) I decided to end the relationship.

We discussed, and he agreed, that the rules needed to be the same across the board (basic rules, that is). He had 2 kids, I have 3. His son was a very picky eater when we started dating. He was 5 just turned 6 when we started dating.
Long story short, if it wasnt his son, it was his daughter. Here we were telling L (9) that he had to eat all his dinner, and if he wasnt giving us a fit, his daughter (14) was whining that she wasnt hungry, didnt feel good (this became a predictable dinner scenario). That said, he was bad about letting them eat lunch at 2 O'clock, then dinner at 5 (we had discussed this too), or snacking right before dinner. He would also occasionally fuss at my daughter, while his sat there pouting cause she didnt want to eat hers.
Mentioning anything put him on the defensive, which brought me to silence eventually, which put my kids in a weird place-because they knew my rules, knew they had to eat their dinner. We often had dinner catered to his kids likes or dislikes. Even at my house.

I dont really have any advice. Blending families is very difficult. Takes a lot of compromise on both parts.

Have you spoke to him, let him (your BF) know how it bothers you?
__________________
~ Good men are bound by conscience and liberated by accountability. ~ Wes Fessler

You cannot get an answer, if you do not ask the question. Say what you need to say.
~Just me
Woodsimply is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 08:57 AM   #3
Bluemoon Female
just an old hippie chick

 
Bluemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the Mountains
Posts: 8,583
Rep Power: 364
Bluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

Hello again, it's been awhile.

First, if you are going to be caring for this child, then you do have to have rules and boundaries with him. You shouldn't deliver any harsh punishments, but you do have to be able to be in charge of what goes on to a fair degree.

DAD should be backing you up, too...in fact, he should be leading the show. Even on vacation a child shouldn't be permitted to be a spoiled brat.

As for the specific problems mentioned.
Seeing as how you only have him every other weekend, the food battle is one I wouldn't pick...not as far as him having to eat exactly what I eat.
However, I wouldn't go get him fast food each meal, either.
I would have some kind of back-up food. Lke, if you don't want what we are having, then you can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (or cereal, or whatever).

As far as whining....don't hear it. BF must back you up with this, too. Don't respond to anything he says in a whiny voice. If neccessary, remove him from the room until he can speak without whining.
You have to make that tactic NOT work anymore....not with you guys at least.

Good luck!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone, Daughter, where your backbone ought to be. Clementine Paddleford


To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable. ~Barry M. Goldwater and Jack Casserly, Goldwater


Life is all about how you handle Plan B. ~ off a Blue Mountain Arts calendar
Bluemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 09:05 AM   #4
Pantherschik Female
Parent on Board
 
Pantherschik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 172
Rep Power: 0
Pantherschik is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Woodsimply View Post
I dont think your expecting too much. I had the same issue with my exbf. One of the reasons (of many) I decided to end the relationship.

We discussed, and he agreed, that the rules needed to be the same across the board (basic rules, that is). He had 2 kids, I have 3. His son was a very picky eater when we started dating. He was 5 just turned 6 when we started dating.
Long story short, if it wasnt his son, it was his daughter. Here we were telling L (9) that he had to eat all his dinner, and if he wasnt giving us a fit, his daughter (14) was whining that she wasnt hungry, didnt feel good (this became a predictable dinner scenario). That said, he was bad about letting them eat lunch at 2 O'clock, then dinner at 5 (we had discussed this too), or snacking right before dinner. He would also occasionally fuss at my daughter, while his sat there pouting cause she didnt want to eat hers.
Mentioning anything put him on the defensive, which brought me to silence eventually, which put my kids in a weird place-because they knew my rules, knew they had to eat their dinner. We often had dinner catered to his kids likes or dislikes. Even at my house.

I dont really have any advice. Blending families is very difficult. Takes a lot of compromise on both parts.

Have you spoke to him, let him (your BF) know how it bothers you?
I haven't spoken to him about it yet , as the whole living arrangement is only brand new , i was going to see how things went the next few times ..
This weekend I don't have my son, so it's testing the boundaries you could say , next weekend we will have both so I guess we just wait and see?

I guess I feel what's good for my son would be good for his too ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluemoon View Post
Hello again, it's been awhile.

First, if you are going to be caring for this child, then you do have to have rules and boundaries with him. You shouldn't deliver any harsh punishments, but you do have to be able to be in charge of what goes on to a fair degree.

DAD should be backing you up, too...in fact, he should be leading the show. Even on vacation a child shouldn't be permitted to be a spoiled brat.

As for the specific problems mentioned.
Seeing as how you only have him every other weekend, the food battle is one I wouldn't pick...not as far as him having to eat exactly what I eat.
However, I wouldn't go get him fast food each meal, either.
I would have some kind of back-up food. Lke, if you don't want what we are having, then you can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (or cereal, or whatever).

As far as whining....don't hear it. BF must back you up with this, too. Don't respond to anything he says in a whiny voice. If neccessary, remove him from the room until he can speak without whining.
You have to make that tactic NOT work anymore....not with you guys at least.

Good luck!
It has been awhile , I often lurke in here but don't post ..
Pantherschik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 02:50 PM   #5
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 412
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

The whining, I feel like you should have the authority to say "in this house we do not use that tone." Say it nice, and expect results. And if not, time out. Other discipline issues, I don't know. My sister has a house full of kids -- six in all. 2 are his, 1 is hers, 3 are theirs -- their agreement is that HE deals with his kids for the BIG issues, she deals with hers for the BIG issues, they both deal with theirs. They do this because the older two have huge emotional problems, hers is autisistic and will not respond to the stepfather and the stepfather has no idea how to deal with a kid with autism. Both adults will deal with things like whining and lack of respect. That is just common, you know?

The food -- you know, 5 is a common age to be picky. Also, you would not know at that age if he has an issue with textures or other issues that would be logical for not eating. I know that most of us were taught you eat what I make. But with some kids, this is just not practical. My nephew would have starved to death if we did that with him. So, have some cheap, easy and quick things to feed him like spagetti o's or something. I would not fight with the food issue either. I don't think it is coddling, rather it is finding out what is wrong with the food issue. Someone should talk with mom and find out if this is a common problem. find out what his favorite foods are. Believe it or not, not all kids like mash potatoes or eggs....... my nephew would gag on those. Again, sensatory problems with food textures. So talk with mom and plan those weekends accordingly.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 08:30 PM   #6
Pantherschik Female
Parent on Board
 
Pantherschik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 172
Rep Power: 0
Pantherschik is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

Thanks for the advise guys ,

The eating scenario was an example as yesterday it was the main frustration I had ... but yes I can see that a 5 year old would have different tastes on food etc. I guess it was different when my son was 5 because he hate absolutely anything .... and still does ..

I guess this weekend is a little different to others, as I don't have my son here, but my main concern will be that I feel there shouldn't be one rule for him and another rule for the other just because the other isn't here all the time ...

Of course there are going to be slight differences , but at the same time there shouldn't .. (does that make sense) ...

I don't feel right telling off my BF's son though .. ?
Pantherschik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 08:43 PM   #7
Bluemoon Female
just an old hippie chick

 
Bluemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the Mountains
Posts: 8,583
Rep Power: 364
Bluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pantherschik View Post
Thanks for the advise guys ,

The eating scenario was an example as yesterday it was the main frustration I had ... but yes I can see that a 5 year old would have different tastes on food etc. I guess it was different when my son was 5 because he hate absolutely anything .... and still does ..

I guess this weekend is a little different to others, as I don't have my son here, but my main concern will be that I feel there shouldn't be one rule for him and another rule for the other just because the other isn't here all the time ...

Of course there are going to be slight differences , but at the same time there shouldn't .. (does that make sense) ...

I don't feel right telling off my BF's son though .. ?
Telling him off? Who suggested that?
You can still tell him, calmly and gently (but firmly and seriously) that this is how we do things here. We don't whine, we try to be polite...whatever household rules you have...though like I said before, I would ask myself "how important is it?" about alot of things.

I also admit that my son, like LSL's nephew, has Aspergers. If I had refused to let him eat pretty much whatever he wanted (healthy as possible) he would have truly wasted away. As it is, he has always been underweight.

The kids on my school bus sure as heck aren't mine, but I have rules - and some of them are MY rules, not the schools - and they DO have to follow them....or I will become a pita for them....
If your bf's son is in your care, then you have a right to expect certain things as well.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone, Daughter, where your backbone ought to be. Clementine Paddleford


To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable. ~Barry M. Goldwater and Jack Casserly, Goldwater


Life is all about how you handle Plan B. ~ off a Blue Mountain Arts calendar
Bluemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 09:04 PM   #8
Pantherschik Female
Parent on Board
 
Pantherschik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 172
Rep Power: 0
Pantherschik is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluemoon View Post
Telling him off? Who suggested that?
You can still tell him, calmly and gently (but firmly and seriously) that this is how we do things here. We don't whine, we try to be polite...whatever household rules you have...though like I said before, I would ask myself "how important is it?" about alot of things.

I also admit that my son, like LSL's nephew, has Aspergers. If I had refused to let him eat pretty much whatever he wanted (healthy as possible) he would have truly wasted away. As it is, he has always been underweight.

The kids on my school bus sure as heck aren't mine, but I have rules - and some of them are MY rules, not the schools - and they DO have to follow them....or I will become a pita for them....
If your bf's son is in your care, then you have a right to expect certain things as well.
Yes you are correct .... I can see what you are saying now ..
Pantherschik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2012, 12:32 AM   #9
supermommy Female
Parent on Board
 
supermommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 177
Rep Power: 95
supermommy has much to be proud ofsupermommy has much to be proud of
Default Re: Keeping my mouth shut ...

I know this is an older post but it expresses a lot of the same frustrations I am feeling with a newly "blended" family of sorts. We are not living together but have started spending weekends together with the kids. I could have written your post, these are all little things but when they happen over and over every weekend they grate on your nerves. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has experienced these feelings because I was/am feeling guilty about feeling this way about my bf's kids in the first place. Let me know how things are going these days, I see the OP was in April. I am hoping that it is just an adjustment period and that I'll get over it!
supermommy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Resources: youngrobin.com
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to Have Difficult Conversations or Shut Up LolaO Friendships 5 09-26-2008 08:11 AM
Need help keeping 4 yr old at table!!!! Mashell Discipline 5 04-14-2007 11:02 PM
Next time remind me to keep my mouth shut! Berry2870 Dating & Relationships 6 03-30-2006 07:30 PM
KEEPING MY SANITY NEAK Discipline 9 10-19-2005 02:21 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:18 AM.

Some parent places to visit:
A Single Parents
Parent Arium
Solo Parents
Single Parent Personal Ads



Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SoloParent
Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SingleParentsInformation
Powered by vbulletin

All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!

A Community for single parents, step parents and blended families

Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.