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Old 11-04-2011, 02:23 PM   #1
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humm Dating a single dad of adult children

I have been dating a man 9 years older than me. We both have children. His 3 are adults and mine are young.

We recently found out that we are going to have a baby. My children LOVE this man. His children hardly know me aside from his youngest who appears to tolerate me.

This being what it is. My worries are not so much about the children. They seem to be okay. What gets me to start thinking is, WHAT is my place in all of this? He has had the past 24 years as being a dad. 15 of those years were with his ex. His children ARE his life. Period.

I have two young boys myself and understand this mentality. However, I came to the conclusion after finding out about "bun-in-the-oven" that we are men and women first. Having a strong sense of self and not losing who we are is the best thing that we can do for our children. I am scared to death that he doesn't understand that concept. Most don't that I have spoken with.

The LAST thing that I would ever want to come across as is heartless. Yet at the same time, we are adding on to this family and places need to be set now before this child is born. He knew from day one that I did not want to have a child out of wedlock. (Yes I know. I was a massive ____ previously. Both boys were from engagements. Two different fathers. Oldest son, wedding called off because of another woman. Youngest's father said that he had a vasectomy. We didn't get married because of that LIE. Wrong decision??)

So now we come to this. His life, all future plans and such, are wrapped around this well established time with his children. This I understand. Am happy that he has such a great relationship with them. But man, I do not want to be second to them. How on EARTH would this situation become somewhat normal?? How can I gather information from him in regard to where WE are and what our future will be with out seeming heartless or cold?

Thanks!!
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:27 PM   #2
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Talk to him. You say his children are his life, this baby will be one of his children. History shows he is a wonderful dad, right? Just talk to him.
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:55 PM   #3
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

From what I have seen he is a great dad. And that is one of the traits that drew me to him. He is an amazing person. I dont know much more of the details from their perspective, so I can't say that I know 100%.

I am trying to talk with him about this but am afraid that I will say the wrong thing and hurt him. Wording is crucial with men for some reason! How to talk with him???

Our child will be in good hands, I am sure. But because of the past and his traditions, I am afraid that there is no more room for us and my boys to make these things with him and the family. He is set in his ways. Not sure if he is able to come out. Maybe...

In other words, things need to change to fit all of us. Not just him and his kids, THEN us.

All future plans are with him and his kids. When I say married to his kids, I mean it. He knows nothing else. I am not here to take any of it from him, but I really need to know how to talk with him regarding this with out hurting him. Does any of this make sense?
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Old 11-04-2011, 04:11 PM   #4
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Maybe you shouldn't talk to him yet...you'll be having the baby no matter what, so wait, enjoy the new addition and then see. Maybe the need for discussion will become void as you see his reaction to this child is the same as it is to the children he has already.
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Old 11-04-2011, 04:34 PM   #5
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Very good point. Am not so much worries bout his reaction to the new baby as I am worried about us being able to make our own life and traditions, so to speak, because his children and past history is his life.

I dont want to fit in to his life, past traditions etc... My children and I are a part of all of this as well. I want us to create one together. All of us. Him, me, his kids and mine. And now New Baby. New traditions. New memories. Not comparing to the old or conforming to his only. Know what I mean? Could be the prego hormones talking. Ha. No doubt.
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Old 11-04-2011, 05:53 PM   #6
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Hum. Tough one. However, you knew all this going into things. The truth is that you are going to have to blend. Which means that you are going to have to become a part of his traditions, and then find ways to create your own. I don't think this is as big of an issue as you think. This new little baby will be the sibling to his adult children. You might really be surprised. And if he is close to his children as you say, if they see dad happy, you are going to be welcomed.

Personally, this is a wait and see mentality. There are going to be some things you can't help. Your children are your children, not his. I personally am of the opinion that when you have kids out of a first marriage, those kids come first -- ALWAYS. They did not ask to be born, or for dad to divorce or for dad to find a new girlfriend, or for dad to get someone pregnant. However, I have to soften that attitude a bit when it comes to adult children.

Besides which -- you know what? When his kids get married and have kids of their own, everyone is going to have to make new traditions -- you know? They never stay the same because then all the kids have spouses who have families.

I think you might be overthinking things.
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Old 11-04-2011, 11:07 PM   #7
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Thank you SOOO much!! I really needed to hear this. I know that the prego hormones are kicking in right now. So tired too. Doesn't help much with the OMGosh worries.

Can't say that I am really all that convinced of the first come first serve thing. Been there. I didn't ask to be born either. Neither did my first two boys. This child in my womb didn't ask to be conceived either.
But it is something that happens most of the time, the first come favorite. A lot of the families that I advocate for are happiest when they are united together with the tweaks that fit each child/situation. Who knows. Right now my brain is mush.

Have to run. Will be back tomorrow. Hoping that him and I get to talk more tonight. Thanks you SOO much again! You rock!
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Old 05-05-2017, 11:21 PM   #8
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Talk to him heart to heart. Every child is special and say that the love for all of them should be equal.
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Old 05-09-2017, 03:17 AM   #9
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Hi everyone,I am new here.Its nice to meet a community filled with wonderful people.
I am here not for myself but for a friend who needs a companion. A male to be exact.He is of nice character and i'd say you should find out for yourself about him if you are interested.
You can write me if you wish to know more about him.
karenhunter0191@outlook.com
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Old 05-09-2017, 08:07 AM   #10
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Do you have any female friends who would be of interest to the single dads here?
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Old 05-09-2017, 03:12 PM   #11
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

LOL @ Muskie!
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:22 PM   #12
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Default Re: Dating a single dad of adult childre

Hey Dad, fair is fair!!!
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