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Old 08-10-2017, 05:55 PM   #1
Pyrrhula Female
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Default I don't want to see him

It's a long story. To keep it short, my ex and I split when I was 38 weeks pregnant. I moved to live closer to family. He was with me during the birth and has visited almost every weekend to help look after our baby. He has been staying at my house and helping at night.

My problem is that I don't want to see him or speak to him anymore.

Our relationship was short and turbulent. He didn't treat me very well during the pregnancy. I had a rough time as I lost my job and had to move in with him. I had depression and he wasn't supportive at all. He withheld affection and sex, at a time when I needed it most. He blamed my depression for everything but he was making it worse.

Following the birth I have made a fool of myself by begging him to try again. I thought that the birth might change things. He has refused my pleas and wants nothing to do with me romantically. However, he contacts me a lot through texts and calls quite a bit. Most of it has nothing to do with our baby. He is completely over our relationship and seems to want to be friends and have an easy life.

It upsets me that i can't be with him, but hear from him everyday, and behave like a happy family at weekends. I'm so messed up about how he treated me and, if it wasn't for our baby, I'd cut him out of my life forever. I also worry about him finding a new girlfriend and how that will make me feel and affect his visits.

I'm currently trying not to communicate with him, but he doesn't like it. Even after less than a day of not replying to him, he is annoyed with me and begging for a response. I have already tried to explain that I don't want to see or speak to him but, somehow, we always end up talking again. I feel like my feelings and recovery don't matter.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. I need closure, but I also need his help and our baby needs to see his dad. What is more important? Closure or help? Am I being unfair by not wanting to see or hear from him?
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Old 08-13-2017, 11:54 PM   #2
TexasGrrl Female
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Default Re: I don't want to see him

I am feeling this way too.... Kind of. I would say that certainly your feelings are valid and it's OK to feel this way. But yes, your baby needs his dad. And you need his help. But boundaries are important and if you feel he would cause you physical harm then that's different, cut him off. Otherwise, you have to try to separate your feelings for him from what you know is best for your baby. This is what I've been trying to do. I don't feel my ex will hurt me physically but I am beyond confused, mentally destabilized, because of him and I'm considering letting him have custody of our baby just so I can survive. But it's weird, there's no legality for mental abuse so I don't know if I'm just too weak or what. I want to be able to separate my unmet needs from my baby's needs. I want to be resolute in the fact that he's a horrible person and I only talk to him to compare the but that's not reality. Reality is that he is an insane manipulator and he makes me want to kill myself no matter the amount of positive affirmations I tell myself in the mirror each morning (( idk, if you can, just get over him. Realize he's only holding on to you to control you. Try to find happiness apart from him. Obviously for me, I can't do it and I'm about to lose my baby cause of it which wil render me a disabled or jailed person. If things aren't as horrible for you as they are for me, girl, I beg you just enjoy your baby enjoy your life and don't settle for a ___. There's plenty of good ones. Pray about it. And keep the needs of your baby as a top priority.
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Old 08-14-2017, 05:21 PM   #3
Pyrrhula Female
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Default Re: I don't want to see him

Hi TexasGrrl, thanks for the reply

I can relate to a lot of what you said. It is difficult when it's psychological abuse. It's difficult to prove and no one seems to understand. Everyone, including him, is telling me to get along for the sake of our son. No one can understand that if my son is to be looked after properly, then my mental health needs to be a priority. My ex thinks I'm being selfish by making everyone else miserable, instead of keeping it to myself. He's the most selfish person I know!

I've had fleeting thoughts about handing my child over to him too. It's so sad that we're struggling so much we feel we might resort to that. Like our exes haven't messed our lives up enough already. We just don't feel capable of enjoying life with our child. However, he's just started smiling, giggling and interacting with me, so I think I'd find that impossible to do. I don't think I'd want to live without him now. How old is your baby??

I suggested he stays somewhere else when he next visits and he made the biggest fuss about it. I thought he'd be glad because it means he can avoid the night feeds, but no. He accused me of being awkward and stopping him seeing his son - a complete exaggeration!

How is he manipulating you? I know it's hard, but be strong. X
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