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Old 03-11-2014, 01:38 PM   #1
smile Female
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Default Having another one?

Hi. I'm a single mom of a 1 1/2 yo boy. I'm considering having a second kid. I'm a single parent / single custodian.
I've googled reasons for which others would want a second kid, some saying the spouse wants another one, others saying they want to keep the family together, all in all, which makes me feel somewhat alone.
I do software development, I believe my career is solid by now so I don't expect any surprises at work, I'm getting along fine with my boy, I hired someone to stay with him while I'm at work, things seem ok.
My main reason for having a second one is that I can afford a second child, and that, in the long run, I can provide whatever education they would choose, for both.
I'm not opposed to having a partner, just haven't found one to get along with well enough to make sure we won't split ways while the kid(s) is(are) still small.
Are there others who made such a choice? I'm wondering what their arguments were. How they viewed the situation. How they managed two kids.
Thanks.
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Old 03-11-2014, 02:21 PM   #2
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Default Re: Having another one?

Two kids does change the dynamic of your house/family. The chaos and stress grow exponentially. However, having 2 kids is fun, and the interactions between them can be fun or stressful. Also, consider having to run kid 1 to Karate, or baseball two evenings a week, and kid 2 to ballet and tutoring 3 days a week.
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Old 03-11-2014, 03:13 PM   #3
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Default Re: Having another one?

This leaves me with 2 days off, so I should try for twins
Just joking. Thanks for the input
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Old 03-11-2014, 05:05 PM   #4
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Default Re: Having another one?

Smile, I am somewhat in the same boat in that I am due with my second child in July, and I am really wondering how that will change the dynamics. I have one boy, 2.5, and just really thinking about how things will change.

FWIW I'm married now and wouldn't have had another child if I didn't think my partner would be there through thick and thin for his (since we know now ) daughter.
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Old 03-11-2014, 08:21 PM   #5
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Default Re: Having another one?

Hi smile,
I'm a single mom of 2, about to remarry, but for the last 2.5 years i've done this alone. and yes, it's a challenge emotionally and physically--commuting to work, making sure all the drop offs get done and i get to work on time, same with the pick ups, plus now dd1 has all these extracurriculars...it's definitely a challenge! i hire a babysitter to help me with getting dd1 to her stuff. sometimes i'm relaxing at WORK from the stress and pressure of it all. but i love it, my kids are 3.5 years apart, so it's good, big sis is very patient with lil sis, lil sis idolizes big sis it's very sweet. it can also be hectic and stressful, meltdowns, not wanting to share, tattling, someone gets sick, then the other one gets sick, which throws a monkey wrench in our most carefully laid out schedule...um...argh! also doing my best to set boundaries and raise socially aware and responsible and conscious children, man i'm tired from just writing this down and describing it in not too well of terms, much less actually attempting all this.

BUT! I think if you are seriously considering a #2, i think go for it. to be truthful, i've been considering a #3, but i think 2 is enough for my plate, even though i will have a very sweetheart, solid, understanding and supportive husband. working full-time and parenting is exhausting! LOL. so good for you for wanting to bring another life into the world. maybe if i was a little younger, i would too.
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Old 03-11-2014, 10:35 PM   #6
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Default Re: Having another one?

the easy way to get to your empathy on this, is to think about when you were in class with other student and a teacher you really liked all the time.
.
now, think you are that teacher.
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but that is a very thinned/watered down/out comparison. Just for a glimmer of an idea.

if you can I think have two children as it will leave the first child with someone else in this world that had shared a childhood together, and hopefully they will have each other when you have left this world to them.
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Old 03-11-2014, 10:40 PM   #7
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Default Re: Having another one?

Not that you are asking for my opinion, but I am going to give it. I live with a child who is a teenager that has no relationship with her father... this is a pain she lives with every day of her life. I cannot imagine bringing another child in the world to experience the same kind of pain.

I have one very active child. A successful career. And a supportive family. My child is 15, and I will tell you this is the first year where I am struggling to be in all the places I need to for just my one child... I can't imagine having to do that for two -- all on my own.

Then there is the how factor of having that child. I would assume IVF? And having that process done will take away from the child you have to an extent.

I don't know... I realize I am being Debbie Downer here, but there does need to be a varying opinion here.
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Old 03-12-2014, 09:53 AM   #8
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Default Re: Having another one?

IVF is not necessary. I'm going for IVI, which is pretty much the same thing as the natural process, just that daddy is guaranteed to stay anonymous.
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Old 03-13-2014, 02:54 PM   #9
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Default Re: Having another one?

i'm of the mind that there are many, many unique families out here in the world, and if you have the emotional support network and abilities to create a family, i say go for it!

i am a single mom of two, and i was adopted, so my experience and perspective 'family' is a bit unique. i often wonder about my birth parents, but i also know that i am very fortunate and appreciate my adopted family--which has had it's many, many complications, losses, and tragedies along the way. i do not regret begin adopted or having an adopted family. i do wonder about my birth family, as i'm sure would be a question that comes up should you decide to IVI, but with support and care, i think that's something you can go through together, especially with having a supportive mom and sibling. xoxo
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Old 03-13-2014, 09:54 PM   #10
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Default Re: Having another one?

I have a friend who is a single mother of two by choice. In her case, she adopted both girls as babies. She simply wanted to have kids and had no desire to get married. Her life is busy, busy, busy but she doesn't regret it. I think the key thing here is that she knew what she wanted, knew what she was getting into, and planned for it. Unlike most single parents, she wasn't placed in that position by circumstances. So she had all the details, like finances and logistics, worked out as best she could ahead of time. I have to say, you sound a lot like her (she is a software developer too!). Personally, I don't envy her lack of free time, but I do admire her courage and her girls adore her.
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Old 03-13-2014, 10:08 PM   #11
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Default Re: Having another one?

By no means was I passing judgment. Just playing devils advocate. I thought a few years back of artificial insemination. For me, I decided not too. But my own personal reasons were due to where I am in my life, and nothing more.
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Old 03-14-2014, 04:11 AM   #12
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Default Re: Having another one?

i forgot to add...before I got married, I was also toying with adoption as a single mom. being adopted myself, I thought it would bring a joyous fulfillment, so I really did consider it. then...life happened, . I can't say I don't wish sometimes that i'd done it without an ex who hurt us and continues to manipulate and emotionally yank my children's chains...but like DM said...I found myself in these circumstances rather than planned it, so am doing my best to cope. some days much better than others! good luck and keep us posted!
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Old 03-14-2014, 07:45 AM   #13
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Default Re: Having another one?

I also lack free time. The way I see it, it's a false issue. It's not a matter of having free time, but a matter of dividing your life between things you don't like doing and things you enjoy doing, and the things you enjoy doing count as free time. I like my job, I like my kid. According to the above logic, my free time is almost 24/7.
For now I'm doing paperwork. I have to prove I'm not married or in a relationship. Seriously.
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