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Old 08-12-2009, 03:13 PM   #1
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angel My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

Hi. Im new to the site and wanted to see if anyone could give me advice. I have two lovely girls. (I will post pics when the site allows me to, I LOVE showing them off, ) Anyways, one is 3 from a previous marriage, she is half caucasian (I am African American) and my other is 8 months, she is half Palestinian (Arab). I have great support system on my 3 yr. old's end. Her family on the "other side" love her no differently than the rest of the neices, nephews, grandkids...but my half Arab child's family has disowned her (including the father) due to her other half of her race and the fact that me and the father were'nt married when we had her and the fact that me and their son/brother aren't together anymore. My question is does anyone with bi-racial children (especially a set of two diff races entirely) know good things I can tell them when their older to prepare them for any outside ignorance or prejudices they may encounter in school. They are in daycare now and the most that will happen is a young child will say what color is my kids, or a parent will say wow they have nice hair, they must be mixed. That much really doesnt bother me b/c its just curiosity but Im worried about worse when my kids are alone. Any advice?
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Old 08-12-2009, 04:07 PM   #2
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

I don't know how it is where you live, but around here, mixed kids are so common. My DD is half black. In her kindergarten class last year there were 23 kids. Of those, 6 were white, about the same number were black, one was Asian, a couple were Hispanic, and the rest were mixed one way or another.

I've never encountered a problem. Kids get picked on for so many different reasons, race is just one of the many ways they are all different. So I would address it the same way you'd address a kid being teased for being overweight or being shy. Everyone's different. That doesn't make you better or worse than someone else. Just different.
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Old 08-12-2009, 04:26 PM   #3
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

Thanx. Only reason I ask is b/c Im nervous b/c I live in a small town where some for the "wrong" reasons still fly the Confederate flag high but not for the pride it should represent but other reasons and me and my ex hubby who is now my best friend we get alot of bad stares and even comments and still do to this day right in the open, and my 2nd daughter's father at their store if a customer is upset, they go for a (you guessed it) 9/11 comment right off the bat. So all of that makes me nervous enough that by the time they are old enough to truly be affected I will prob move anyways, but I want to be adult enough to be strong enough and voice of wisdom to my children to face it head on instead of running (moving). But, yeah in my town people are still "ignorant" here very much so.
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Old 08-12-2009, 08:04 PM   #4
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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Thanx. Only reason I ask is b/c Im nervous b/c I live in a small town where some for the "wrong" reasons still fly the Confederate flag high but not for the pride it should represent but other reasons and me and my ex hubby who is now my best friend we get alot of bad stares and even comments and still do to this day right in the open, and my 2nd daughter's father at their store if a customer is upset, they go for a (you guessed it) 9/11 comment right off the bat. So all of that makes me nervous enough that by the time they are old enough to truly be affected I will prob move anyways, but I want to be adult enough to be strong enough and voice of wisdom to my children to face it head on instead of running (moving). But, yeah in my town people are still "ignorant" here very much so.
Bless you Darlin, as you have described, so it would seem to be here. But...it's not! I did not know this. I was taught to be suspicious of anyone different, but I rebeled.
Here, in the "backwoods" I expected such differences to be even more frowned upon, but it's not. There is a healthy curiosity...and yeah, no doubt, 911 caused a predudice big time. I am so sorry if you are getting flack due to that, but generally, there are children having no idea of why their parents, or grandparents, wigg out over skin color or whatever. People here have been so far removed from actual exposure that they are mostly just curious. The predjudices of their parents simply haven't come up!
I was never so happy as when I had children who were clearly handicapped on my bus...but the other kids were supportive and helpful. In my school days...that would have gone very different. For what it's worth...I was always taking blows on behalf of the "underdog". Beyond that, one of the most "popular" girls in my present school district is a half black girl. Honestly, I don't like her...she is not a nice person. There are several others, of varying cultural backgrounds, that I think the world of. They ARE nice people.
You have a tough row to hoe because of the whole 911 thing. So sad, that a whole nationality of people can be blamed for the actions of a few...well, many Americans cannot comprehend how children could be expended in warfare...but it's not new. It just never hit so close to home for so many...in our face! We were spoiled...only veterans and families thereof knew the true horrors....and most of that stays hidden behind doors with name plates on them. Discovery channel shows with warnings, playing late at night....
Point is, I do not think you can run away from this. Ignorant does not equal stupid. It just looks that way.
Maybe you could go somewhere that your one child would be more readily accepted, but the other might be subjected to the same kind of foolishness by those very same people.
Time to stick my neck out... Big time. You chose to have children that you had to know would be subjected to such things. No, it's not fair, but it is.
I suggest that you teach them to be the best that they can be. Transend those foolish ideas of what they are supposed to be and show who they really are! If children here can move past color, creed and even outright physical handicapps...then surely with a supportive Mom like you, yours can find a way to let their own personal light shine!
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Old 08-13-2009, 01:56 AM   #5
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

Beautifully said Blue, thank you so much
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Old 08-21-2009, 06:50 AM   #6
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

Tell them God (or whatever higher power you believe in) created them just the way they are, which makes them very beautiful and special, and not to take on board the attitudes of petty, ignorant people who want to vent their frustration on an innocent!!

Glad to read you have your ex to help create a united front! ;-)

(I am white with a half African son, luckily we live in a very multicultural place, with loads of all kinds of mixed kids, so it's the norm, we've never had any racism, the worst comment I ever got is a stranger asking me if I'd adopted him!! "No, I made him myself" LOL).
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Old 08-22-2009, 11:58 PM   #7
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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Tell them God (or whatever higher power you believe in) created them just the way they are, which makes them very beautiful and special, and not to take on board the attitudes of petty, ignorant people who want to vent their frustration on an innocent!!

Glad to read you have your ex to help create a united front! ;-)

(I am white with a half African son, luckily we live in a very multicultural place, with loads of all kinds of mixed kids, so it's the norm, we've never had any racism, the worst comment I ever got is a stranger asking me if I'd adopted him!! "No, I made him myself" LOL).
Yeah the adopted question happened to me too, actually still does, mostly by older individuals. Im very dark skinned and both my kids are very light with a beautiful grade of hair. But your advice is very good and is what I had in mind . I just worry a lil sometimes. Ive already started little by little though. I taught my tot the word "bi-racial" when she pointed at my skin and said brown, and her daddy and said peach (), then she pointed and herself and said...uh?...um?...I said "bi-racial"....she said oh, bi-raisin.... Too cute.
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Old 08-23-2009, 12:17 AM   #8
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

Bi-raisin...that is so cute...like a little sunkissed raisin (with no wrinkles, .)
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Old 09-19-2009, 05:34 PM   #9
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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Yeah the adopted question happened to me too, actually still does, mostly by older individuals. Im very dark skinned and both my kids are very light with a beautiful grade of hair. But your advice is very good and is what I had in mind . I just worry a lil sometimes. Ive already started little by little though. I taught my tot the word "bi-racial" when she pointed at my skin and said brown, and her daddy and said peach (), then she pointed and herself and said...uh?...um?...I said "bi-racial"....she said oh, bi-raisin.... Too cute.
The other day I was waiting for the bus with my daughter and this older woman came. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl, then she asked me: "Is she your´s?" when I replied yes she answered: "Really? Because she doesn´t look much like you". I was so furious. I wanted to tell her: "Do you know that what you just said is the most mean thing you can say to a mother???"
Ok, so my daughter is half black-half white and it´s true she looks A LOT like her father. Especially because she got his eyes... I have to admit that I hate it when people tell me that she looks just like her father. I find it so unfair. He was not there during the pregnancy, wasn´t much of a support during delivery and now isn´t present since her birth. WTF?!?! Why does he get all the credit???
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Old 09-19-2009, 06:20 PM   #10
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

People are largely insensitive creatures. I know that must annoy the ____ out of you. I bet AM has a snappy comeback for that one, hopefully she'll see this!
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Old 09-19-2009, 06:21 PM   #11
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

I feel the same way. My half Arab daughter has his very huge eyes and curly hair and she is more white than tan, people are always asking me if I'm "babysitting"...such an insult after carrying my angel inside of me for 8 months and 3 weeks y know with the scars to prove it. Maybe the next person to ask me I will shock them and show them my csection scar as an answer! Anyways, it is frustrating when they say they take after the father who is not there, especially when you have an idiot baby's father like mine who sometimes denies her and then people see her and say he said it's not his but she looks just like him. I feel like I shouldn't have to prove to anyone if she is or isn't but because of his ignorance I have to deal with questions nonetheless. It doesn't bother me when someone asks me what they are "mixed" with at all but to go as far as to ask me if im 'babysitting' is a bit much.
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Old 09-19-2009, 06:47 PM   #12
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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Why does he get all the credit???
because they haven't figured out how to make immaculate conception viable:biggrin_wink:

kidding, just kidding...

---------- Post added at 05:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:40 PM ----------

i will add this though....i don't think any of us live in a different society than we did before we chose to create multi-racial kids...therefore, we have no right to get indignant or pious when someone in society makes a comment...

we knew what we were getting into...and we knew there would be a level of society that didn't get it, understand it, or agree with it...

but we did it anyway...now we (and our kids) have to deal with it...

that doesn't make it right, or fair, but just makes it life...

so the next time you have someone say something that you deem silly or stupid, ignore it and move on...it reminds me of the people that wear purple mohawks, and pierce their nose, eyebrow, lips, chin, etc...then get angry because people view them differently than others...

now all this being said, Bubba is a little zebra...and he'll know what he is, and who he is, and that regardless of what anyone says, he's loved by all who know him...
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:00 PM   #13
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

I find this conversation interesting. I have been doing alot with my niece lately. She is bi-racial, half white/half African-American. The only comments I ever get is how very beautiful she is! No one ever tells me that she does not look like me, or give me funny looks, or make any strange comments. She is obviously bi-racial--the hair gives it away.

However, my sister, who is a redhead, says she gets it all the time. Which makes me wonder if as the mom, you are more sensitive to potential criticism and go into mamabear mode, almost looking for the insult. I could be wrong. My sister and I were out shopping one day. The baby had a HUGE bright pink bow on her head--looked cute, but was outragous in your face. This lady looked at all the pink and bows on the baby and rolled her eyes. My sister took that as the lady could not believe my sister had a bi-racial baby. I took it as the lady could not believe she had dressed the baby up like that to go to Wal-Mart. Anyway, just a thought.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:17 PM   #14
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

That could be it at times (us going into "mama-bear" mode) because there will be times in the stores that I see a bi-racial couple and their children and I won't have mine with me and I will be admiring how beautiful their children are but can barely get a chance to get it out of my mouth without the mother or father looking at me with that "what the heck are you looking at" defensive stare not knowing while they are thinking I'm looking at them in a strange way that I have two bi-racial children at home. So you brought up a good point.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:42 PM   #15
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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Originally Posted by Bubba'sDad View Post
because they haven't figured out how to make immaculate conception viable:biggrin_wink:

kidding, just kidding...

---------- Post added at 05:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:40 PM ----------

i will add this though....i don't think any of us live in a different society than we did before we chose to create multi-racial kids...therefore, we have no right to get indignant or pious when someone in society makes a comment...

we knew what we were getting into...and we knew there would be a level of society that didn't get it, understand it, or agree with it...

but we did it anyway...now we (and our kids) have to deal with it...

that doesn't make it right, or fair, but just makes it life...

so the next time you have someone say something that you deem silly or stupid, ignore it and move on...it reminds me of the people that wear purple mohawks, and pierce their nose, eyebrow, lips, chin, etc...then get angry because people view them differently than others...

now all this being said, Bubba is a little zebra...and he'll know what he is, and who he is, and that regardless of what anyone says, he's loved by all who know him...
Has this later comment anything to do with what I said? I hope not... Don´t get me wrong but I´m so colourblind and think most people are getting there as well. The old lady wasn´t mentioning her color... I´m sure it´s because she has such big brown eyes just like her dad... I don´t know... I just don´t like the comment on that "we knew what we were getting into" like we should apologize to some people and some not... Maybe I understood it wrong...
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:45 PM   #16
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it was a general point...and it's not about apologizing...it's about accepting the fact that we can't control others thoughts...
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:55 PM   #17
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it was a general point...and it's not about apologizing...it's about accepting the fact that we can't control others thoughts...
Yes, of course. But then people can think whatever they want but should know when not to share them if you know what I mean... You can point out if someone is being disrespectful or racist that his point of view is rude and should not be addressed instead of replying nothing.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:57 PM   #18
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you could....and you can go through life getting upset at things you have no control over...and things that were occurring long before you were aware of them...
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:59 PM   #19
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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Yes, of course. But then people can think whatever they want but should know when not to share them if you know what I mean... You can point out if someone is being disrespectful or racist that his point of view is rude and should not be addressed instead of replying nothing.
good point too

---------- Post added at 05:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:57 PM ----------

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you could....and you can go through life getting upset at things you have no control over...and things that were occurring long before you were aware of them...
very good point
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Old 09-19-2009, 08:20 PM   #20
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you could....and you can go through life getting upset at things you have no control over...and things that were occurring long before you were aware of them...
Are you telling me that you would rather shut up instead of responding to some racist comments? Do you actually think we have no control over what people let out of their mouths? Of course we have that power. We have the power to let that person know how foolishly he/she is stating some "old fashioned" views on how things were before.
Again I don´t understand your statement that these are things that were occurring long before I was aware of them. What do you mean by that? We all know about the segregation and how some oldies think in their old fashioned way which today is illegal! Of course we should speak up about such things if they occur and not let them just pass by. People like that should not be allowed to publicly state out racist comments. And while replying nothing you´re just letting them in my opinion.
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Old 09-19-2009, 08:33 PM   #21
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Then fight the fight. More power to you. But in the thousands of years of mankind, we haven't been able to solve this problem. if you believe that an annoyed response pointing out someones ignorance will change their thoughts and viewpoints, go for it.

I personally think that responding gives them credence and let's them know they are getting to you. Additionally, as your child gets older, they will begin to understand your reactions and follow. My opinion is that it will make the child live their life on the defensive.

But that is just my opinion. The world needs people who stand on principal, and you appear to be willing to do it in this case. So please, do not let my thoughts change your thoughts. And I truly wish you luck.
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Old 09-19-2009, 08:54 PM   #22
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Then fight the fight. More power to you. But in the thousands of years of mankind, we haven't been able to solve this problem. if you believe that an annoyed response pointing out someones ignorance will change their thoughts and viewpoints, go for it.

I personally think that responding gives them credence and let's them know they are getting to you. Additionally, as your child gets older, they will begin to understand your reactions and follow. My opinion is that it will make the child live their life on the defensive.

But that is just my opinion. The world needs people who stand on principal, and you appear to be willing to do it in this case. So please, do not let my thoughts change your thoughts. And I truly wish you luck.
It´s not being on the defensive. That´s stating that you need to prove yourself to anyone and in this case for what? For who you are on the outside? Of course I don´t want my child to grow up feeling she´s treated differently or getting comments that are not founded based on her skin colour and I want her to stand on her values and principles that we are all the same. People. Period.
Ignorant people should not be allowed to state things like that and if they don´t know better then I personally think it´s in our hands to show them the right way by letting them know that their thoughts are unfair and therefore should not be stated. We still have such a long way to go. Not to mention gender battle. If we really think we have reached gender, race equality we are wrong. That´s why I firmly want to stand up for such a thing and hopefully my daughter will as well in the future. If we don´t say anything or don´t act on things like that nothing will ever change... It´s not about luck. It´s about work. And I want to know it in my heart that I at least stood up for this principle even though I sometimes feel like the only one doing so, there are many out there doing it but not as many as I´d wish... But we need to continue the fight and letting people stating bull about greater mankind or inferiority of women and so on is giving up... I´d rather waste my time trying to get through an ignorant person then let them walk away after stating some horrors...
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Old 09-19-2009, 09:48 PM   #23
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

I'm with Lisa .. could just be my area but I don't really have a problem with people. Every time we go out I get a ton of compliments from strangers on how gorgeous my baby is but no one ever brings up his race.

The closest was a lady who said "Wow, what fine, straight hair he has!"

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Old 09-19-2009, 09:54 PM   #24
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I'm with Lisa .. could just be my area but I don't really have a problem with people. Every time we go out I get a ton of compliments from strangers on how gorgeous my baby is but no one ever brings up his race.

The closest was a lady who said "Wow, what fine, straight hair he has!"

glad to hear it...that comment could be taken several ways...but if taken in a positive light, and discussed as such, it's more likely to change the heart of the person who said it, if they said it with malice...

does that make sense?
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Old 09-19-2009, 10:05 PM   #25
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glad to hear it...that comment could be taken several ways...but if taken in a positive light, and discussed as such, it's more likely to change the heart of the person who said it, if they said it with malice...

does that make sense?
I don't even care that she said it After all his hair IS fine and straight .. there's not denying it so why get mad?

I just meant thats the only thing anyone has ever said thats been close to acknowledging him being biracial.
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:48 PM   #26
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

There are a couple of different things that have been said that I'd like to comment on.

First of all, commenting that a child must look like the other parent doesn't or wouldn't offend me one bit. That person doesn't know the other parent is absent or treated me (or you) like ____. That person does know that obviously the child received genes from two different people and apparently thinks the other parent's genes must be dominant. So be it. Even if a comment like that was intended to be with malice or with racist intentions, you can choose to take the high road and assume it to be innocent. Responding with something like "Yeah, his genes must be more dominant than mine. Luckily for her though, she was blessed with my personality!" and then laugh a little and be on your way.

Second, I do agree with Lisa's comment about parents sometimes taking things differently. Here's the thing - if you walk around thinking people are going to be racist toward your child, you will definitely feel like any borderline comment must be racist. Even if it wasn't intended to be. I think a huge part of this is changing your perspective. Be proud to be the parent of such a beautiful child. Even if the child looks more like the other parent. If all you carry with you is pride, as opposed to resentment toward the other parent, it's easier to see the positive in things as opposed to the negative. And it's not hard to turn something negative into something positive. There's no reason to stoop to the level of someone who might truly be racist. By arguing with them or trying to correct them, you are justifying that they might actually have a valid opinion because you feel the need to defend yourself and your child. If, however, you take the high road, and are able to see things in a positive light, you will teach your child that there is nothing to be ashamed of in who she is and that she doesn't have to defend who she is.

Finally, I think sometimes people are given too much credit. Some people are just completely oblivious and ignorant. They might just be nosy and curious and their comments come across unpolished. They might not be racist at all - just stupid. Also, there are people who try so hard to be politically correct and not offend, that they actually end up coming across more offensive. For example, it might make someone uncomfortable to ask "What is she mixed with?" if they are curious... so instead they say something like "She must look like her father" hoping you'll offer that yes, he is fact black.

If you give your child the impression that everyone is racist against them, they will grow up feeling like they are an outsider. And they will grow up feeling like they are a victim of racism, which will in turn fuel further racism. Racism will never disappear. Just like prejudice against people who are overweight, or dress certain ways, or follow certain religions will never disappear. There will always be people who hate people for ingorant reasons. The best we can do for our children is teach them that everyone is different, that everyone should be treated with respect, and that just because someone is different doesn't mean they are less of a person. And the only way to start is to give them a sense of pride in who they are and teach them to love themselves because someone who doesn't love and accept who they are can never love and accept someone else. And if they are taught to always defend themselves rather than to appreciate themselves, they will always feel under attack and soon begin to second-guess their self-worth.
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:51 PM   #27
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

wow BD, AM said that much better than you did!!!
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:53 PM   #28
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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wow BD, AM said that much better than you did!!!
He's a guy... he has the attention span of... a guy
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:55 PM   #29
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

we need a laughing coke/diet dr. pepper/red wine through the nose smiley

Honestly you said that way better than I could have!
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:55 PM   #30
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

Okay, I am thinking about this. I would agree that we have not reached equality for gener or race. There are millions of little ways that this can be empirically proven.

I think there are little ways you can let things out. Personally, I don't think saying something to a stranger is going to make one bit of dent. People with racist outlooks need to be educated, not made to look foolish, even if they are. These people are set in their ways. The way to change it is by taking on the people you know. When someone you know makes that racist joke, that sexist joke, then you have the relationship to say, "Hey, that's not cool." If someone respects you, they will think about what they said, not brush it off.

"We all know about the segregation and how some oldies think in their old fashioned way which today is illegal!"

Responding to this statement-------gov't imposed segregation is illegal. But if you do a study of living patterns, where people choose to live, then you will see that actually the US is more segregated than ever. Even our schools!!!! Not because of gov't laws, but because people choose to live in certain areas. It's not illegal to think racist comments---no one can police those thoughts or even statements.....it's just plain ignorant.

I agree that we each need to stand up in our own ways to fight the good fight. But really, until we are willing to move to Harlem, or an inner city, or to the out skirts of town, or to those poor areas where poverty and race go hand in hand------any words are just that---words. Just a thought.
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:57 PM   #31
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nah, i just handed her a copy of what i was gonna type, and told her to take credit for it
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Old 09-20-2009, 12:03 AM   #32
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wow BD, AM said that much better than you did!!!
Too funny thats what I was thinking.....almost posted nearly the same thing!
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Old 09-20-2009, 12:07 AM   #33
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

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nah, i just handed her a copy of what i was gonna type, and told her to take credit for it


Honestly, to elaborate (as if I haven't typed enough already), I've never been in a position where I felt someone was making a racist comment toward my daughter. I've heard comments about how tan she is and how she must spend all day at the pool. Comments about how curly her hair is. I've been asked if she's my daughter. I respond to everything honestly and with a smile. And usually with a little joke because that's just my personality.

"She really doesn't go to the pool that much, actually. She was fortunate enough to come out with a lovely tan." Or "Yes, I'm so jealous of her curls, I wish my hair would look like that." Or "Yep, she sure is mine! But I'd consider renting her out for a day if you'd like to take her off my hands!"

I'm proud of my babies and don't care one bit what they look like. I have a brown-skinned, brown eyed, curly haired 6 year old, and a strawberry blonde, blue eyed, white-as-white-can-be toddler. People can stare if they want. I don't care. They can think what they want or wonder what they want. I don't care. They can say what they want, and as long as it isn't outright offensive, I will take it how I want.
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Old 09-20-2009, 03:02 AM   #34
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Default Re: My Multi-Racial Angel Girls

I do agree with AM .. why get upset if a stranger says the child looks more like one parent than the other? People say this all of the time and generally mean no harm. How are they supposed to know you have sore feelings for the ex? They honestly most likely don't. Also if the child does indeed look like the other parent can you really fault them?
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