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Old 03-01-2011, 03:31 AM   #1
Shawn76 Male
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Default Questions about problems.Kinda long.

I started seeing someone last October. She is black I'm white.
She has a 5 y/o daughter and I have an 8 y/o son and 14 y/o old daughter.
Her daughter has never met her dad and my ex hasn't seen my kids for over a year and a half and hasn't talked to them on the phone in 5 months.(her bad choices are what led to this and after I had her visits revoked I allowed phone calls,she has mine and my daughters numbers but never calls)
Kids get along fine and they have no problems with the relationship. My parents didn't care but some of my family was a little upset that I chose to date her. She has dated out of race and her daughter is mixed Black/Mexican,so it wasn't a big deal with hers.
We met through an online dating service back in June of last year and just talked and went out for lunch when we could without the kids. Kids didn't meet her or her daughter until September which is when I met her daughter as well. We did try that month to have a relationship but things went to fast and ended within a week. We did start seeing each other again a few weeks later.She had bad relationships in the past and didn't trust anyone. (kind of a normal thing for single people in their 30's)
We've had our ups and downs in the short time we have been together and have split up a few times over them. I think it was more of a wake up call each time we did.It was always a break down of one of us not listening to the other about a problem. This last time we both took it kind of hard and her trust issues came back into play. We about didn't get back together. It took a lot of work on my end to convince her that it was a mistake we split up. Usually I would not go through so much with anyone,but she does have a lot of good qualities that I haven't found in other women I have dated in the last 2 1/2 years. (I done a pros and cons list which she done also more pros then cons on both of them)
So here we are now,been back together for about 5 days or so and things are ok.Not what they used to be but not horrible,we aren't arguing.Actually we never really argue at all. We used to have good communication and we sort of lost that but it's coming back around now. We both agreed sex was a big issue with us,not a lack of but to much of it and that our relationship was turning out to be just sex and not much else. I told her from the start I wasn't looking for that and could get that anywhere,I wanted a real relationship. Not saying it was bad,just controlling our relationship to much at the time.

So I do have a few questions since this is still kind of new to me. Note: There is 1 major thing that happened that I will not speak of.It was the worst time of my life and a hard choice to make for us both.If you figure it out,please keep it to yourself.

I'll start off with a bad one.
I found out today that she is talking to an ex and her exs son has called and invited her and her daughter to a basketball game. She was engaged to him before she broke it off,her dad was sick and he cheated on her. I didn't really push to much on this but I wonder if she still has feelings for him. I really don't know if she would leave me to go back to him,I feel she won't since he cheated and wasn't around to support her when needed. How do I approach her on this.I do not like the idea of this and if she goes,I don't know what I will do or how I will react. She told me that she told him she is with someone,but he is single and has had a past relationship with her for a few years. Actually,she was with him before we got together but they had been apart for over a year.She says it is only friends but I just have this gut feeling that is not stopping. I don't want to push her away but I also want her to know how I feel about this. I did look on her Facebook wall and she did post a picture back a year and a half ago of him holding her daughter after they split and her sister left a comment that she better not go back to him. I don't know what to think. Help?
That is really the only thing that scares me right now.

Her daughter has recently started calling me dad.Not to me but when the kids are playing,we hear her say let's see what mom and dad are doing. She has also asked her mom when they were going to dads house. The only other person who was around her was her ex,the one before me,and her daughter never once said anything like that. She has not told her daughter to stop and it doesn't bother me that she says it,it makes me feel that she is comfortable with me and she trust me.Kind of makes me feel good in a way. I treat all the kids the same,if her daughter does something wrong,my g/f allows me to take care of it.(I'll get to that part) I use a different way to "punish" my kids and I do the same with her daughter. I take them into a room and close the door and we talk about what they done. They have to tell me what they done wrong,why they done it and what they are going to do to avoid causing a problem again.I had to do this with my son many times when he was 5.I could not resort to a swat on the rear or yelling at him because of the abuse my ex done to him.This actually worked out well and I rarely have a problem out of him now. It took 6 months to correct him but it was well worth it in the end. Now her daughter does have an issue of throwing a fit when she doesn't get her way. She takes it out on my g/f by yelling hitting or whatever way she can find to get her way. She recently got her into therapy to try to correct the problem and since I have started the talks,she has started to act better and not do it as often as she was. I did explain to my g/f what I was doing when she said it was ok for me to intervene but she looked at me weird as if it wouldn't work. I will say her daughter is not a normal 5 y/o. She is very smart for her age,even amazes me how smart this kid is. So with these 2 things,how should I approach it.Allow her to keep referring to me as dad to others or stop that and should I stay out of the punishment and let her mom deal with it?
I don't know how far out relationship will go because there is the one problem of her ex still in the picture and me not liking it.I have more questions but I will ask them after I get some replies. Them are just a few of the bigger things I wanted to get out of the way first.Sorry this is so long.
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:14 AM   #2
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Okay, here's my first thought.... you are going to have to trust her with the ex. The ex is her daughter's father and he is likely not going to go away. The last thing you want is to come off as a possessive freak. As a woman who has been abused in the past, jealousy and possessiveness combined with a "Don't want you to hang with that guy" statement would throw all kinds of red flags up for me. It may her too. Maybe you need to flat out ask her why she wants to go, and if she has feelings. Tell her you trust her, but that you generally don't like the idea of her being out with any guy, whether it is the ex or not. But that you trust her.

Next: I am torn on the little girl. I really think it is wrong for a little girl to call a man dad or daddy when you are not sure if you guys are not going to be married. I was involved in a long term relationship when my daughter was 2 or 3. When we broke up, she was DEVASTATED. She was the only "dad" she knew because her father is not, and has not, been present.

Discipline: I think that you should have mom do this, but you know, you can model it. There is no reason you can't. But mom should be a part of the process. Until you know that you are going to be a permanent fixture, I think that mom should do that discipline. Doesn't mean that you can't back her up, or support her, but mom needs to learn how to do this. Smart children are very, very hard to discipline. And sometimes, believe me, talking to them is not enough -- I know, I have one.

Good for you though -- for being there, and willing to step in. I say keep that attitude, but I think for now, you should back off. Your relationship is still kind of new, and really at a point where it has been rocky...... keep at it. I think your gf is a lucky girl

---------- Post added at 12:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:12 AM ----------

PS: my sister is married to a black man. They have 2 of the cutest kids ever. My family had not a problem with accepting him into our family because of the color of his skin (our problem was his felony record and what it was for).
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:31 AM   #3
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Forgot to mention that the guy isn't her father.Her daughter has never met her real father.
I want to be with her for a long time cause like right now,things couldn't be better except for my one concern with her ex.It's been over 2 years since they have been together but that doesn't mean anything,she could change her mind. I know with someone new they don't stand a chance,I know how long of a process it was for me to convince her I was not a bad person and she could trust me,took a lot of patients on my part though.
I don't think she will cheat on me,we've talked about it already and I flat out told her that if she doesn't want to be with me,just tell me instead of cheating and that I'd do the same,again not that she will tell me,you can't read other peoples minds.

We've had talks about how I treat her and she likes the way I treat her and she said she has never had anyone treat her so well and she did mention her daughter when I questioned her about the ex. She said her daughter never really acted that way with her ex. He was with her right after she was born until around age 3.

I guess my only option is to talk to her tomorrow about how I really feel and if she reacts bad I'll have to figure it out from there.I don't know what else to do.

I do appreciate your advice.
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:46 AM   #4
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Well if he is NOT the baby daddy, then she has NO business going with him. That should have been a resounding NO from her end. I would definitely tell her that you don't like it. Ask her how she would feel if it were you going out with one of your ex's. There is no reason for her to see him now.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:02 AM   #5
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LSL View Post
Well if he is NOT the baby daddy, then she has NO business going with him. That should have been a resounding NO from her end. I would definitely tell her that you don't like it. Ask her how she would feel if it were you going out with one of your ex's. There is no reason for her to see him now.
Exactly my thoughts.But I Don't want to sound to pushy like you mentioned above since our relationship is still new (feels like forever though) I'll PM you

---------- Post added at 04:02 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:00 AM ----------

Maybe not I don't see an option to.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:15 PM   #6
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Here's my 2 cents...

As for her daughter calling you daddy/dad, it could be as simple as the fact that the other kids around are calling you dad, and so she did too.It could also be that since she's never met her own father, she may have just taken up that that's your name.

As for the ex, you said they were engaged, so I'm assuming they were together for a while, and the ex's son probably delevoped an attachment to her. It is possible in some cases for ex's to still remain friends, and to still be socialable when their children have developed attatchments.

just my 2 cents
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:08 PM   #7
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

We talked this morning.
She has no feelings for him and just wants to be friends with him,she even offered for me to meet him.
I found out they were not together very long about a year but she left his because he cheated.She did tell me he asked her out again but she declined and told him she was with someone. The other reason she left was cause her dad was sick and that she was taking care of him and he said he understood but was going out cheating on her instead. She expected the same out of me but I supported her and didn't run off with anyone else. She said she feels she has to choose one of us and doesn't want to have to choose. I don't know what to say.Maybe it is just friends and I am just a little insecure about it right now.

As far as her daughter calling me dad,she calls me by my first name,never dad directly to me but when the kids are playing will say it or when she wants to come over she will say it.
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Old 03-09-2011, 01:41 AM   #8
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Just a short update. Things seem to be going ok so far. It's only been a week since I last posted but my g/f has been coming around and having dinner with us and watching movies a few times this past week. Kids seem to be ok with it and we haven't had any disagreements about anything. We've also talked and texted alot more this week then usual. I feel things are getting better and that by us breaking up for a little over a week has changed both of us. We both just needed to figure out what we wanted.
She has cut ties with her ex like I wanted after I kind of turned things around on her.I asked her how she would feel if I were doing things with my ex,she said she'd feel the same way. I told her he was just trying to get her back by using his child to call and invite her to places and that by her going,showed she was interested in getting back with him,which was likely what this guy was thinking. So she now understands how I feel and said the relationship with us was more important to her then he was. I also found out he asked her when we were split up and she still declined to take him back,and then we got back together a few days after wards.
She was invited again to a game and she declined and instead came over here while the game was going on,I guess to prove that she was not there and to show she was serious about her choice.She is kind of hard headed and when she makes her mind up,it is not easy to change. I have been through it with her and lost that one,but that is a private matter.
I'll have to see where this is going,she did mention living together but I told her not for awhile.She said she knows that and it would be another year before that would happen.I told her we'd talk about it then.I am not going to get into living with someone and then regret it later.
I know now she is not playing me and is serious about things.There are a few more things that make me feel she is wanting this to be long term. She wants to go to a therapy session with my daughter and talk with her and the therapist and be more involved in that way with my daughter since my daughter was kind of skeptical about us.She just wants to reassure her she is not going anywhere. My daughter did stay with her Friday night and they done some things together,which is a good way to get my daughters trust. My daughter thinks everyone is like her mom and can't be trusted and I understand that and it's good that she is ready to give this a chance instead of starting any trouble between us. Like I said above,it will be atleast a year before I would consider living together so I know that the kids are happy and ready for a 2 parent family again plus other things I'm sure everyone already knows.
I guess a lot can happen in a weeks time
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Old 04-25-2011, 10:40 PM   #9
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Whoops wrong thread.
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Old 04-21-2015, 04:18 AM   #10
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

It's been over 2 years since they have been together but that doesn't mean anything,she could change her mind. I know with someone new they don't stand a chance,I know how long of a process it was for me to convince her I was not a bad person and she could trust me,took a lot of patients on my part though.
I don't think she will cheat on me,we've talked about it already and I flat out told her that if she doesn't want to be with me,just tell me instead of cheating and that I'd do the same,again not that she will tell me,you can't read other peoples minds. ???
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:25 AM   #11
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

Yeah this is a dead issue. I left long ago and haven't spoke to her in awhile. Last I heard she is in another state living.
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Old 03-15-2016, 02:46 PM   #12
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Default Re: Questions about problems.Kinda long.

I'm agree with LSL
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