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Old 09-09-2010, 04:48 PM   #1
Sprinklergal Female
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Exclamation This is complicated

let me start with a brief history..about 12 years ago my children were in foster care and they were moving for adoption..so my sister in Utah adopted my two oldest boys.(I have 5)..she was never home cause she worked and had a life she probably felt she was donig me a favor..My oldest nephew(on drugs) lived with her and he basically took care of the boys who were 9and 10 ..I moved to Utah when they were about 14,15..it was always that if later they wanted to come back with me they could when they were old enough to make that choice.
my oldest want to live with me when he was 15 she wouldnt let him (why i think she would no longer get his money )..so he was pretty upset and he dropped out of school(today he is doing great)..my younger son..was truent from school and in and out of programs..because being with my nephew he was eventually doing drugs(weed) when he moved with my sister..he is a very athletic boy..so in and out of programs..he was always abusive to any boyfriend I may have had that wasnt his dad..it got worse as he got older and athletic built..after i moved to utah ..I was in a bad relationship..and that ended ..and I had finally rebuild my life..in my own place etc..

I was on probation..(All I knew was I didnt want to go back to jail)my son and ex step son..decided to rob this place and bring things to my house..when I realized what they had done ..I wouldnt let them in the apt..and put all these stolen things outside..they came back and wanted in
and I had already called the police by now..he came to my house was very violent..please came he had ran off that situation ended him going into a program in nevada..and crimes victom reperations relocated me..he was then 18...my sister let him stay then when he lost his job he had to go.

lets jump to the present..about five years ago I met the guy who is now my husband..and about 1 yr into our relationship..my son was dropped off on my door step..well part of his problem was he was doing drugs..so I couldnt have him living with me on drugs..(and I was determined not to enable my son..like my mother had done for me many years )I wouldnt let him live with me and took him to the shelter and told him find a job..and get your self together..well he didnt in and out of jail..many calls to come to hospital..he had stabbed himself..and on drugs..sleeping outside..during these years he would call me and I would go..noone else but me..(remember my family didnt want nothing to do with him..)..

so about a year ago I decided I was going to get ssi for him it was clear the drugs had done something to his mind..and he couldnt function doing some things in life..so ssi was a way for me to be able to put him in a room for rent. and maybe some type of treatment(he was diagnosed ADHD in kindergarden but would never take the medication..well it was hard because they wanted him to go to dr..and this last year he has been in jail..for beating up some dude breaking his jaw..and a police chase..

he just got out of jail two weeks ago..and my mom said he could come out to where she lived and stay with her ..I tell you all the other grandkids live there ..7 of them..so things were okay till the end of last week..when i was on face book and talking to my neice who said A had to move out of there.
they all told me probation denied him out there..so he had to come back to slc..My mom lied and said she didnt tell him he had to go ..just that probation denied him I asked her could he stay there til tues (HOLidays) when I can talk to his probation officer..she said no and hung up on me..
so he calls me and wants to come to my house ..but him and my husband has had one altercation a few years ago..and my fear is that something may happen again..(remember crime victoms reporations relocated me once)..so all i know is he is being dropped off in slc..somewhere..I call his probation officer..who will set up for us to talk about a plan for him..I call my mom and ask her to send me the paper work for his ssi so I can follow through on this.she says she sending to my sister and hung up on me

and today my sister(who adopted him) says that if I am going to have any thing to do with the money he may get or is getting he needs to live with me..I was never told he lived with her until just then..and she has nerve to say when I am ready to be responsible for him let her know..this is the women who when he lost his job put him out..in the streets..and whose husband now dont want him there..(but there might be money involved so it changes things HUH...)

so right now it looks like I am the bad parent. I have always been in his life..and I am so discusted with my family..that I want nothing to do with any of them they have lied to me all this week about him..why I dont know..all this hurts..I have always been the black sheep in my family ..but MY life has changed so much..That I am beginging to believe my family will never see me any different..my husband and i have been talking about this situation with my son..and we are considering letting him work ..(we have a sprinkler repair company)but I am feeling like I dont want to have nothing to do with my family..even sometime my own children..when they come into town ..none of them Including my mom will come over to my house..one time I even needed a ride and she wouldnt come ..last year we were given a house to rent and it was like two house so my sister I offered her torent the basement..she did my mom came for thanksgiving and didnt even come up stairs to my house to say anything..I am so sick of going out of my way....I have friends that treat me way better than My own family..

I am venting but if you have any advise..please help me make sense of all this..
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Old 09-09-2010, 05:56 PM   #2
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Default Re: This is complicated

It sounds like you cannot count on your family for anything, so I wouldn't. If it takes cutting them out of your life to get yourself as healthy as you can be then do it. My parents are both drug addicts and alcholics, no one in the family beleived me until my mother OD last year and my father ended up in jail for giving her the drugs. Sometimes you have to let them go no matter how much it hurts because the relationship is like salt on an open wound, it's not gonna make it any better and it hurts like ____.
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Old 09-09-2010, 06:11 PM   #3
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Default Re: This is complicated

I have a bit of a different take on this one..... For what I am about to say, you have to know that I spent a few years in the state agency in my state, whose job was to terminate parental rights on parents whose children were in foster care.

There is a real history between you and your family. I know, from working in the system, that adoption is guided by federal guidelines. The state, and courts, work extremely hard at reuniting children with their parents. Endless services are offered.

One thing lacking in your response is your responsibility for where your children are today. They could not have had an easy childhood up until they were adopted. And even after that, most children of that age are hard to adopt because of early experiences that they have.

Your family has seen everything that has happened to you and to your children. I think it's great you have your life together -- many people never get that far. But the fact of the matter is, that it is going to take a LONG time before they will ever acknowledge that in you. There is no trust. It was broken long ago.

You know, it does not matter if you moved to be near them. In some cases, this can make it worse on the kids. Their mother is there, but not. I wonder if you have owned up to your part in what has happaned to your children with your family and truly apologized for the mess and angst it has caused. Yes, your kids are on drugs....but they started YOUNG and likely because they were dealing with issues stemming from their early childhood and adolescence.

I don't mean to sound mean, but rather want to show you there is another side you seem to be missing. Were I your family, I might be highly suspicious of the SSI issue too. I might be saying the same thing too.
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Old 09-09-2010, 06:50 PM   #4
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Default Re: This is complicated

I am in no way upset of what you have said....I just want you to know that My family moved out of state just before I was involved with dcfs...in Illinois..after five years of trieing I decided that I would put them in placement and I was able to choose where my children went and i was there the entire process..

one time my sister was in Illinois and I asked her to take my daughter cause I still had custody of her but it was looking like they were going to remove her from my care because I had moved into my own apartment..after 2 yrs of living in shelter like home..(well recovery home for mothers and children)..and she wouldnt...so my family has never been around during the time i was fighting to get them back....and to even tell my family that we all may have needed counseling at some point is beyond there wildest imaganation..they dont need nothing...I was in counseling the whole time I was with the system..and even while going through the adoption process and afterwards also..I have worked through that stuff.. I told my mom years ago..That I was so sorry I did what I did..and Iknew why she left me..she was my enabler ..even though I hated her when she left Illinois..had she notI may have never changed...after moving to utah...I still continued counseling my son was going through issues then..but see my sister would never let us do any family counseling...she didnt want me included in any of it..do I regret my sister having my boys yes..for sure...My other children ..are doing great..and of course they have there angry days..towards me..but as they get older..they begin to understand why I made the choice I made and they see my life now..

I do what I can for my children ...i try to help them through there anger..but I cant let it hold me back from moving forward in my life..so I dont..I let it go years ago...but a mother always..has to know that her children are okay cause if they aint you better believe she is trieing to figure out how to make it better for them ...the ssi is solely for him a place to live..instead of on the streets ...since he has turned 18 I have boughthim clothes shoes(they are not cheap he wears size 15)..winter coats..etc...that dont make up for the 10 years of his life I was not there..like I said I do what I can..for all my children..

I am thinking that my family dinamics..is what led me down the path I took..and so if they havent changed and I have, what makes me think that the dinamics have changed or will be different..now ..they cant they have no other perception of me..They cant they havent changed nothing ...

My husband is a family guy and he is the one that wants us to be around family..and I always tell him I have never been around my family even living in the same state..and he cant believe how they treat me sometimes...

thanks much
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Old 09-09-2010, 08:24 PM   #5
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Default Re: This is complicated

I'm so sorry but I have no advice. I'm a little confused, too.

Well, I think I would do what I believed to be right for my children and try to make amends to them and to my family for what I know I did wrong and would let them own their reaction thereafter.
If they continued to abuse me...I don't mean they were cautious, I mean if they didn't even give me a chance, then I would just keep my distance and expect nothing of them.

You do need to be very careful about enabling your son, it's so hard.

I hope you can work this out.
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Old 09-10-2010, 07:30 AM   #6
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Default Re: This is complicated

I am not sure what to say either, but I do wish you the best and hope that things work out for you!
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