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Old 07-10-2010, 04:25 PM   #1
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beg or prayer Not sure how to handle this one.......

My daughter was up last night on facebook. She was looking around and found her older brother (he is 15) and her father's mother. She has not had contact with either of these people for 4 years. She became very, very excited when she found her brother. I mean really excited. She looked through his pictures and saw the picture of her half-brother that was born last year. She asked me if I thought that was her brother. I said, "Yes, I believe that it is." She said "poor kid."

She then said that she really wanted to friend her brother and grandmother. I said, "You do realize that your father then would have access to information about you." She said she knew, but that she really missed her brother. I reluctantly agreed. This morning when she got up she said she realized that she can't post on her status "Going to dance at _____ today at 2" because her father would know. I said that is true. She said that was okay, because I could post it anyway.

I feel like this is opening a door of hurt and ickiness. I am worried and scared but at the same time, I feel like I need to let her make contact. I just hope I did the right thing......I just don't know.
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Old 07-10-2010, 04:48 PM   #2
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

sounds like she is growing up.
but the good news is that she is talking to you about what she wants to do.
and that you are leting her, you are showing that you also trust her, yes there is bad out there and you have told her about it, and she is facing it. that is good.
she is going to be ok for it now, and you may have a little more work later, but in the end both of you will be better off.

Good luck and I will pray that God will have his hands on both of you.

Dawg
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Old 07-10-2010, 05:21 PM   #3
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

I think you are handling it as well as you can. Kind of like me right now. Better she explore these things while she is this age and you are right there than to be forbidden and her make it/them something they aren't in her mind. You are right there and able to have some control, give some protection. All we can do is be there for them as they make their way as they grow up.
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Old 07-10-2010, 05:29 PM   #4
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

Letting go is the hardest thing in the world but I think you are doing the right thing. The good, open communication, great relationship thing.....rather than the contolling,I just need my freedom as soon as I get out of this house and away from mom thing. Did that make any sense at all written down?????? It made sense in my head.
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Old 07-10-2010, 05:31 PM   #5
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

Made perfect sense, Sara.
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Old 07-10-2010, 06:09 PM   #6
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

LSL, I went through a very similar situation with my 19yr old A. She came to live with us at age 5 and her birthmom cut off contact for the next 13 years. When A was approaching 18, she wanted to find her half-brother whom she hadn't seen since she was 7 (not our choice). We had always told her we would help her with this when she turned 18 but thanks to myspace, she found him first. Anyways, I contacted him first and actually spoke several times on the telephone with him before having him call her one daug. She had no idea until I handed her the phone. She was ecstatic. All these years she had worried about what happened to him because even though he lived with his birthdad, the birthmom had maintained a relationship with him.

This started a series of events which I wish we coud have avoided but which made her grow up. Sadly, her birthmom did find out about where she was and thru the brother got in touch. She spent the next 6 months tormenting our daughter...not in a mean way but in a controlling way. She would call her cell all the time and demand to know why she didn't call her mommy. If she didn't hear back from A, she would call again and ask "don't you love your mommy anymore?" This is the woman who pretty much handed her to us on a silver platter and then spent 13 years without any contact. I was her mommy, not this creature. Anyways, from Dec until June, the birthmother made lots of phone calls but even though she lived only 3 hours away, she NEVER made the trip over to see A. NEVER. Even when A was in ICU for a week with pneumonia, she didn't come. And when A tried to commit suicide twice a month later, she still didn't come. She has not seen A since Dec 1996.

Sadly the relationship with the half-brother fell apart after about a year. But through it all, my stbx and I were right there, holding her hand, never once judging (but always silently stewing inside.)

So my suggestion to you is to silently be there for your child, supporting her as she goes along, and being there to hold her when things go wrong. Keep the lines of communication open, and oversee as much of the contact as you can. Trust your instincts. Know that this is about her finding herself and filling in blanks...making sure her siblings are safe. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Contact me anytime in PM if you need to talk.

Hugs,
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Old 07-10-2010, 06:31 PM   #7
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

lsl, I see am Mom standing by her daughter. You are super. Working for that elusive balance between too much control and not enough direction and discipline.

Just her thinking and then knowing she can talk with you is so great.
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Old 07-25-2010, 01:22 AM   #8
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

LSL, I just wanted to check in on you and your daughter...see how things were going. Hugs!!
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Old 07-25-2010, 01:26 AM   #9
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

Going fine. DD was sad because her brother didn't respond. And her grandmother took a week, but then did not leave a message. I think she was expecting more. But it does not seem to bother her any! Thanks for checking on me!
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:24 AM   #10
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

You did the right thing. Your daughter is also unsure of what she wants to do hence the reason she won't state on Facebook where she is going to dance in case her father finds out.

Is there a feasible reason why your daughter should avoid her father? Or is that your pride speaking?
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Old 05-10-2011, 06:44 AM   #11
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Default Re: Not sure how to handle this one.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysingle1 View Post
Is there a feasible reason why your daughter should avoid her father? Or is that your pride speaking?
There is a feasible reason why her daughter doesnt see her father
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