Wild Dancing Thanksgivng Turkey Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex - Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices
All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!
         


Go Back   Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices >
(``'·.¸(``'·.¸ Relationships¸.·'´´)¸.·'´´)
> Mentally Unfit Other Biological Parent Support


~ Donate Today ~ PLEASE
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-15-2013, 10:44 PM   #1
Qalisto26 Female
I am New
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: NB Canada
Posts: 10
Rep Power: 0
Qalisto26 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

My ex husband doesn't seem to understand the importance of not drinking alcohol when the children are in his care. Because we have discussed this before I have now denied him access to the children until we go to court.
I'm just wondering how others who have experienced this, dealt with it. How do you deal with someone who won't stop drinking or anything else and convince them it's for the childrens benefit. I feel guilty. I do. Our daughter will be 4 this weekend and he's going to miss her bday. Our son is only 18 months. I asked him what if our son woke and climbed out of his crib and fell and broke and arm or collar bone when he's passed out, downstairs on the couch?
I quit drinking and smoking nearly 5 years ago for my children. I don't understand why he can't quit for 2 days a week. He doesn't seem to understand the importance. I'm looking for advice on how to cope with the guilt and stress of keeping my children from their father even if it is for their own good...
Qalisto26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2013, 11:15 PM   #2
Woodsimply Female
Thinks too much

 
Woodsimply's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: On the wrong side
Posts: 2,751
Rep Power: 156
Woodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an Angel
Default Re: Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

Welcome to the board!
Let go of the guilt. I have taken the same course, for many reasons. My kids are older; 18, 15 & 12.
18 yr old is on his own now, by his choice.
"Damage control" now with my younger two. Im more sad than anything. Sad for my youngest especially. He so badly desires his father to be someone he isnt.

You cant change their father, but you can change the situations he puts them in.
I dont know that Im making the right choice, but I sure the ____ feel like I am.

Nothing I would love more than to have a responsible ex. But realistically that just doesnt always happen.
__________________
~ Good men are bound by conscience and liberated by accountability. ~ Wes Fessler

You cannot get an answer, if you do not ask the question. Say what you need to say.
~Just me
Woodsimply is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2013, 10:31 AM   #3
Bluemoon Female
just an old hippie chick

 
Bluemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the Mountains
Posts: 8,583
Rep Power: 362
Bluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

Welcome to SFV.
If your ex is really an alcoholic, then he can't not drink. He won't be able to function if he doesn't drink when he is used to drinking and the only way he will be able to stop is if he gets help. Help that starts with him admitting that he is powerless over alcohol and that his life has become unmanagable.

The best way you can help him is to allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions. Do not manage his unmanagable life for him or he will never see it. So, you are doing the right thing...but you need to do it the right way, too.

You need to be able to convincingly demonstrate that he is a danger to his children. I don't know that court would interfere with his rights just based on what you have stated here.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone, Daughter, where your backbone ought to be. Clementine Paddleford


To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable. ~Barry M. Goldwater and Jack Casserly, Goldwater


Life is all about how you handle Plan B. ~ off a Blue Mountain Arts calendar
Bluemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2013, 10:39 AM   #4
Woodsimply Female
Thinks too much

 
Woodsimply's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: On the wrong side
Posts: 2,751
Rep Power: 156
Woodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an AngelWoodsimply Has Heart and Soul of an Angel
Default Re: Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

Yes, and if your not already, document document document
__________________
~ Good men are bound by conscience and liberated by accountability. ~ Wes Fessler

You cannot get an answer, if you do not ask the question. Say what you need to say.
~Just me
Woodsimply is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2013, 10:35 PM   #5
Qalisto26 Female
I am New
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: NB Canada
Posts: 10
Rep Power: 0
Qalisto26 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

When I was with him he only ever drank on weekends, but he could never just have 1 or 2 beer. He'd drink til he was drunk or passed out. A lot of weekend evenings I spent by myself. He doesn't have any friends. He'd drink by himself and just pass out. Once I found him passed out on the bathroom floor...I took a picture. Not because I thought it was funny...
He and I have discussed his drinking while he has had the kids in his care. I did not take the children cold turkey. He has had warnings. Apparently he doesn't think I am serious.
I am tired of showing up at his house, to pick up the children and his is slurring his words or his motor skills are off. When his mother died he took our daughter for the weekend. I was hoping she would be a distraction for him. She turned out to be a crutch. He didn't eat all weekend, told me he had been smoking and drinking all weekend. So I promptly took my daughter home with me. She didn't need to see daddy like that.
May 4th I told him I caught him (I got pictures) and he blew it. The kids weren't coming back. May 8th my tire is slashed in my parking lot at work...coincidence? I think not. Turns out a co-worker of mine caught him in the act!! The police are now investigating. And the other day he emails me saying if I don't let him have access to the kids "bad things are going to start happening"...fantastic! The police say "it's just a threat". There's nothing they can do...
I do document everything. We are going back to court the end of November. I'm documenting everything in 'affadavit' format to have stuff to submit to the court as new material when the time comes. Our only correspondense is via email or text so I have proof of everything he & I say. I haven't mentioned my flat tire to him, I haven't told him I have witnesses. I haven't emailed him or texted him. I didn't send him pictures of him passed out drunk with the smokes/ashtray on the coffee table. I did tell him I saw the smokes/ashtray. He flat out denies smoking in the house. He said the ashtray is outside. So either his memory is that bad, or he's that much of a liar. My lawyer has copies of the photo. I have nothing more to say to him. It's been over a year since we seperated. It's time for him to grow up. His older sister was here in January and she even told me to "watch him with those kids and his drinking". The family is a bunch of fighters. No one talks to anyone else, but they're thick as thieves when one of them is in trouble...so I doubt she'd repeat that to defend me.
Anyway, I get security to walk me to my car every night, and things are quiet right now. I know it won't last....
Qalisto26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2013, 11:10 PM   #6
Bluemoon Female
just an old hippie chick

 
Bluemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the Mountains
Posts: 8,583
Rep Power: 362
Bluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

Sounds like you have the, odd to say it this way but, "good fortune" to have an ex who is not just damaged but who is also stupid enough to demonstrate it in a way that you can record for posterity.

Sad as that is, it's still better than a clever criminal...

Do you guys have a visitaion agreement? Are you legally seperated? Is he paying any child support?

Good news you have a lawyer. What does the lawyer say about your situation?
__________________
Never grow a wishbone, Daughter, where your backbone ought to be. Clementine Paddleford


To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable. ~Barry M. Goldwater and Jack Casserly, Goldwater


Life is all about how you handle Plan B. ~ off a Blue Mountain Arts calendar
Bluemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2013, 11:15 AM   #7
scottrfab Male
Active Board Parent
 
scottrfab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 235
Rep Power: 0
scottrfab is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

My ex has drug addiction issues. After a night when I know she overdosed, and sent me texts about being suicidal, I called my lawyer the next business day and we headed to court to get a temporary order for supervised visits until she proved she was making changes and showing progress. Given her texts and other evidence we had, it was easy to get this done. Not sure if you would have the same options.

And like WS said, document EVERYTHING! This has been a big help for me. I kept our communication to texts only. This gave me time to reply after cooling down if she upset me, and it also gave me a record of everything she would say to me. Seems cruel, but it protects you, but most importantly can protect your children. Hope some of this helps you, and best of luck to you with this.
__________________
“… you can’t avoid pain, but you can choose to avoid misery.” - Hiram Smith
scottrfab is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2013, 09:40 PM   #8
Qalisto26 Female
I am New
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: NB Canada
Posts: 10
Rep Power: 0
Qalisto26 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex

Thank you all for your advice and support. Scott, I am sorry for all you've had to go through. As a mother I find it especially hard to understand how a mother can not change her life for her children. I gave up all my 'bad habits' before I got pregnant. I asked for these children, they didn't ask for me.
My lawyer is working for me probono. She must think I have a good shot. I can't see her taking my case if she didn't think I had any chance.

Bluemoon, we've never officially filed for separation. We've been separated over a year so I'm assuming it's legal now. He kept my daughter from me for 3 weeks last year, when I left him. We had an emergency custody hearing in 3 weeks. I have the kids during the week but he has them on weekends. But if he can't control his urge to have 'a beer or 2' on weekends, then I will have to make the decisions for him...
Qalisto26 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Resources: youngrobin.com
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Need Support/Advice alcoholic ex Qalisto26 Mentally Unfit Other Biological Parent Support 0 05-15-2013 10:39 PM
Separated from an alcoholic TreeS2 Divorce / Seperation 3 10-01-2008 08:51 PM
Alcoholic Father & 2 month old baby kaylah141 Custody - Visitation 8 05-03-2007 01:50 AM
Need Advice and Support M-KathleenD Ex's 4 12-11-2002 09:20 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:51 PM.

Some parent places to visit:
A Single Parents
Parent Arium
Solo Parents
Single Parent Personal Ads



Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SoloParent
Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SingleParentsInformation
Powered by vbulletin

All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!

A Community for single parents, step parents and blended families

Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.