Wild Dancing Thanksgivng Turkey Father of an EMO!!!! - Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices
All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!
         


Go Back   Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices >
(``'·.¸(``'·.¸ Single Parenting - Through The Ages¸.·'´´)¸.·'´´)
> Single parents of ALL girls


~ Donate Today ~ PLEASE
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-03-2009, 10:37 AM   #1
wounded soul
Board Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 41
Rep Power: 0
wounded soul is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

I am needing some advice and hoping someone on here can offer it. Remember when clicks as we like to call them used to be preps,jocks,druggies and nerds. Well I'm dealing w/ the 21st century click of a teen daughter who is an "EMO" as she says. Now what does this mean. I'm not really sure. She dresses in mostly black but with enough color not to be considered goth. I guess to put it in my generations terms it would be like the Madonna Fad I grew up in (I'm 38). She says she doesn't want to be noticed but she wears some of the god awfullest pants and shirts. (Neon green pants and blue shirt with a black hoodie yikes). When she refers to herself it's in terms of dork, geek, and nerd. All terms of which were derogatory or had a negative affect in my day and age. Also she is by no means petite but she insists her pants be "skinny jeans" and she is constanly haveing to hike her pants up as they ride down and expose her "buttcrack". I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to go through her closet and throw them all away. Now she has gotten into coloring only parts of here hair (currently it is a dark brown w/ strands of white. I guess I'm afraid that I am not understanding what I'm dealing with. I would like to think this is a fad but it's been over a year she has been this way. Is there some deeper issues for "EMO"'s that I don't know about. I'm afraid she is dealing with lack of self confidence and is displaying it through this type of dress. Any advice?
wounded soul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 11:09 AM   #2
Kozzy
Active Board Parent
 
Kozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 262
Rep Power: 0
Kozzy is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Most of the time, this kind of thing is a phase, she has found a group she can identify with....I'd let it go if it's only the clothing/hair thing, and let her express herself...as long as she isn't baring too much skin...
Sometimes kids in the emo clique are cutters...they cut themselves to relieve stress....you don't have to be emo to do this...but I've known alot of emo kids that do it.
Keep an eye on her body and be on the lookout for cuts on her arms, legs...etc.
Kozzy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 11:47 AM   #3
Don Male
At A loss for Words - NOT!

 
Don's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: California
Posts: 2,664
Rep Power: 221
Don will become famous soon enough
Default

Welcome to the forum wounded soul. I can totally relate to where you are at right now, though hopefully your situation isn't as involved as where I was at with it. My daughter was emo.......now she's evolved to more of just a rocker. She'll be 16 end of this month.
There are a lot of stereotypical things associated with emo's. Most of which do include depression, suicidal, self-harming natures. And yes my daughter had all three of those. She actually started cutting before "turning emo" mainly because of issues with her mom. She is now out of the emo stage like I said but still wrestling some with the cutting and emotional stuff with life. That cutting stuff is highly addictive.
I don't mean to scare you but rather give you a heads up to keep an eye on what is happening with her. Some "emo's" are more of just a fashion statement type thing but many are definitely more into the whole concept including the self-loathing, self-harming, depression, "life just sucks" mentality.
I have had my daughter involved to varying degrees with counseling for several years now. Through our medical plan thankfully most of it was free of charge, considering for a long period of time we were attending twice a week a group that was targeted towards teens with self-destructing issues. She still does currently see a counselor one on one about once a month.
If you do see more signs that she may be more into this emo stuff than just the look, do consider checking into some counseling. BTW, I wouldn't necessarily suggest trying to force her to dress differently altogether, but maybe pick and choose. For example, I didn't make mine change her clothing style altogether but put restrictions on some things including the amount of black eyeliner that she would use
Don is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 11:52 AM   #4
captmatrix
Lively & Zealous Parent
 
captmatrix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 566
Rep Power: 0
captmatrix is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Ok, this one makes me laugh. When I was a teen, I fell into the "punk rock" clique. I dyed my hair burgandy, shaved my head from the ears down, and wore Doc Marten combat boots and tons of black.

Ask anyone here - I grew up and turned out ok! LOL

Kozzy makes a good point...assuming this is all about "style" (or, in our grown-up opinions, the lack thereof...) and not about dangerous behaviors.

How does she do in school? Does she have healthy social relationships? What do her teachers say about her? Does she use drugs or alcohol?

If it's really just about her expressing her style, then I think you leave it alone. (Although I think you do have the right to interfere with the buttcrack exposing pants).

My sense of "style" drove my mom absolutely crazy, but she didn't stand in my way. If she had, it would have really damaged our relationship. She rode it out, and I grew out of it eventually....(although I still will only wear Doc Martens...)

I think, as teens, it's all about "finding your own, while still managing to fit in." I find it ironic that the motto of the EMO clique (and the punk rockers of my youth) was "do your own thing, and don't worry about what others say" when in fact the very thing they're doing is trying desperately to fit in with each other. The very reason stores like Hot Topic sprouted up in the malls and do so well...

I think, as parents, all we can do is sit back and shake our heads. And make sure that you take lots of photos so that when they grow out of it, you can show them how silly they looked!
captmatrix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 11:55 AM   #5
captmatrix
Lively & Zealous Parent
 
captmatrix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 566
Rep Power: 0
captmatrix is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

I was posting while Don was...I completely agree with everything he says, too...
captmatrix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 12:39 PM   #6
Harmony & Me Female
Setting New Standards

 
Harmony & Me's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,101
Rep Power: 175
Harmony & Me will become famous soon enough
Default

Hello Wounded soul

Your daughter and my step daughter sound very much alike.
I hate those skinny pants. The seeing the buttcrack is so gross.
I have told her I will take a picture of her from behind so she can see what we are forced to see. We also have the bad dye job hair. We have seen chunks of blue, purple, pink, orange on black... yuck.
The rainbow bright mixed up clothes, etc.
I would love for the extreme dressing to end, and I expect it to at some point.
We deal with the I am bored, no one gets as depressed as me. Sneaky behaviours. We have had her in counciling and I intend to have her join a group counciling session as well.
So far we are clear of the *** and drugs.
Her dad thought it was a self confidence issue, but I don't see it as that at all. This girl knows she is attractive. I believe it is more a need to feel special, and get attention from others.
I don't thinks the skinny pants whacked out hair is symbolic of one type, but perhaps is might be a little bit of the young teens just testing out their freedoms, trying to express themselves and find out where they and fit in.
Hang in there dad.
__________________
http://asingleparents.com/donation.html Donate to support the site.
If you want roses in your life, you have to plant and tend them. Every moment counts.
Harmony & Me is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 03:54 PM   #7
wounded soul
Board Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 41
Rep Power: 0
wounded soul is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Thank you all for the advice and yes luckily she has a very patient dad. I understand the need to have their freedom to express themselves. Actually I'm jealous to a point. I was never allowed to dress in ripped jeans and leather, grow my hair long,and be the heavy metal god I invisioned myself to be. But now as a parent I try to allow her more freedoms to express her style. I guess what scares me is the standoffish behavior when she never was that way before this trend started. So far there has been no drugs,alcohol, or cutting going on and I pray it doesn't come to that. She does suffer from very low self esteem. (she's overweight and has her mothers body type short and stout.)I would like to find some programs that will teach teens the act of having a positive image of themselves. She does attend a teen awareness program at a local foundation for youth and she enjoys that alot. We all have been in and out of counseling for awhile and I do believe she should have other outlets other than mom and dad.

Her schooling has always been okay but since she started jr high I've seen some drop off which I expected due to socializing more. Her social relationships seem to be somewhat okay. Although I don't approve of one friend who was kicked out for fighting, dresses all in black, and has mutiple piercings. Most of her teachers say she is a pleasure to have in class and tends to not be a follower but a leader.

She's a good kid very polite and well mannered it's just sometimes I worry about the self image she has of herself and the derogatory comments she makes about herself.
wounded soul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 04:55 PM   #8
captmatrix
Lively & Zealous Parent
 
captmatrix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 566
Rep Power: 0
captmatrix is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

wounded soul, you sound like a really great dad! You've got her involved with a counselor, and you're searching for a teen program that would help with her self image. That's great!

Have you asked her counselor about any programs that your daughter might benefit from?

She's polite and well mannered? Great! Her teachers have positive things to say? Great! Especially the "tends not to be a follower but a leader" part. That's double great!!

I suggest you just keep doing what you're doing.
captmatrix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2009, 05:19 PM   #9
wounded soul
Board Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 41
Rep Power: 0
wounded soul is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Thank you for the compliment and the advice. I will speak to her counslers and see if there is any workshops on teen positive self image. We have a great relationship and I just want her to be happy in her own skin.

wounded soul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2009, 02:27 AM   #10
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 408
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default

I actually agree with both posts above. I have a close friend whose son was into the emo subculture for a couple of years. He was also a cutter.

This sounds kind of lame, but take a look at her ipod. One of my friends first clue was listening to some of his sons lyrics that talked about depression, suicide, cutting, and other relaly dark subject matter.

Right now, there seems to be a huge popular wave of this stuff influenced by bands like Fall Out Boy and Paramour. These bands are more mainstream, so you would not find the same kind of dark lyrics, but rather these bands use it more as a fashion trend.

I find it unfortunate that your daughter refers to her self in such derogatory terms. I think this really should be addressed. She is at an age where she is already struggling with self-esteem without intentionally underwriting it all by herself. This worries me a bit.

Then again, maybe she finds this as a way to make herself stand out. So, in that case, maybe she is a bit proud of not being the cute little cheerleader who dates the jock.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2009, 08:02 AM   #11
wounded soul
Board Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 41
Rep Power: 0
wounded soul is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Thanks lisa. Yes she does listen to fall out boy and my chemical romance to name a few. I've always been involved w/ her music. Knowing what she listens to and such. It is kind of an inside way of me knowing where she is mentally. If she's sad she listens to alot sad songs and if she's mad she listens to more aggresive music etc...etc...

Alot of the problem is the self esteem issues even in times when she should be proud of herself she isn't.
Example: We were at her dance competion and she came to me crying. It was a stressful time and we were having problems getting her hairdo correct,with them ready to go on stage and as I was comforting her she says "Daddy I don't look pretty like the other girls"
As I've said she is a bit overweight and has a very big bustline plus the outfits the girls wear are not made for flattering her body type. But I reassured her in my eyes she was the most beatiful thing in the whole world.

Anyway, it broke my heart to hear that she can't see her accomplishments and be proud of them. Those are the things I want for her the most.
wounded soul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2009, 09:20 PM   #12
warwagon
Learning to Surf The Board
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 20
Rep Power: 0
warwagon is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

The culture in schools have changed considerably since we were kids. I don't claim to understand all of their groups. I am sure I drove my parents crazy and I know my 14 yr. old is about to send me into orbit. I have told her that if she dies her hair again I will shave her head and I have already gone through her closet and weeded offending clothes out. Just because she has identified with a particular group it doesn't always mean that she fully participates in all aspects. Let's hope it is just a phase. Keep in mind that it could always be worse.
warwagon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-20-2009, 05:02 PM   #13
Bluemoon Female
just an old hippie chick

 
Bluemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the Mountains
Posts: 8,583
Rep Power: 359
Bluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Father of an EMO!!!!

Ok, I understand about the darker issues at work here, so please don't think I am insensitive to them. That said....
In my day we were hippies...old worn out jeans, bandanna's, etc. I was not the only one who felt scornful when they started mass producing fake "old" jeans. I still hate bras, .
When my daughter was 15-16 she died her beautiful blonde hair black, wore the most darkest, baggiest, unflattering clothes she could find. Shunned the sun like a vampire...and looked like one, too. Her boyfriend? When I wasn't silently freaking out about the whole scene, I had to laugh. She painted his nails, put lipstick on him and did his hair all poofy and black. The goal was to turn him into Robert ummm, I forget...From The Cure. I set some rules and let the rest go: No hair colors that could not have at least a possibility of haveing occured naturally...especially while school is in session. No tattoo's or anything else permanent till your 18 (she did get 3 small ones at 18). Nothing gets pierced but your ears till then, either. She obeyed, and eventually outgrew it all. I considered getting a belly button ring once, she said, "No way , Mom! You are way too old! You would look ridiculous!" Thanks kid...(I was in my 30's and in very good shape).
BTW...today a buttcrack is known as a "coin slot" ,which cracks me up to no end. Lol.
Bluemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Resources: youngrobin.com
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My son's father: unmarried & the father of 5 children he doesn't take care of! sadient1 Law & Legal Issues 9 02-03-2011 02:20 PM
Without a father... Candie Coated Star Single Moms 13 05-23-2008 11:17 PM
Trying to be father-like.... KRC 30 - Something Single Dads 7 08-04-2004 02:16 AM
father needs help rog Single Fathers 2 05-29-2003 12:27 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:33 PM.

Some parent places to visit:
A Single Parents
Parent Arium
Solo Parents
Single Parent Personal Ads



Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SoloParent
Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SingleParentsInformation
Powered by vbulletin

All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!

A Community for single parents, step parents and blended families

Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.