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Old 04-28-2009, 01:34 PM   #1
Linds_0606
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Default Questions... & my story kind of :P

Okay... I'm sure someone has posted a topic asking about this before , but the ones I've read don't seem to be all too close to my situation. Or lack of situation.


I'm 23 years old, 20 weeks pregnant. I've graduated from high school, and I went to college shortly after for Mechanical Engineering, but dropped out in the middle of my second semester due to medical/depression issues. I'm not even sure that I would still have any kind of credit. It was a few years ago.

So what I'm getting at is... I am currently unemployed, but expecting to find a job after I have the baby. I just REALLY want to go to school and get my degree. But I don't have the money, and I have no idea how to go about getting the money. I wish there was someone that I could sit down with that would say, here's how you do this, and how you will pay for that, and still go to school. Currently living with my father, so I'm not paying rent at the moment. But I desperately want to get a place of my own once I have the baby and settle myself in.



My situation with the baby's father- we dated for about 5 months before I got pregnant. We were absolutely careless about things. At first he used protection, then he just stopped. I warned him that if we didn't start back that I would end up pregnant. He just kind of laughed it off. So I figured... well I guess he's not really worried about it. And lo & behold, the baby appears. The first month or so he seemed fine with it. Scared, but willing to work it through. Then, out of nowhere, he came to me saying that he was worried that we wouldn't be able to support this child, and that he thought I should consider my options. (Now, when I was 16 I had an abortion. Which actually is what caused said depression. Short version.) So of course my defenses are up major, and I tell him that it isn't even going to be considered. That is MY baby and I will do whatever it takes to raise it. Afterward I rarely ever hear from him. When I do, yeah, I'm slightly mean to him. Because I feel like he doesn't care about his baby. So he says that's why he doesn't call, because I'm a b*tch. Vicious cycle. Anywho, a couple months later... and up to last Saturday. I see him for the first time since we talked that night. We talk, he sees the ultrasound pictures, and we go hang out with some friends. Friends are all really excited, and he's in a great mood. All in all a good night. On my way home he texts me and says that he's scared, but very excited about the baby now, and he thinks that we're going to have a lot of fun with this whole thing. He texts me every other day or so to say hey. And he is planning on going to the big ultrasound with me next week. So that's still open ended. BUT he does have a job, general manager at a local restaurant. Soooo I'm sure child support will be payed, etc.


Anyway, does anyone know anything about what I can do with what I've got? Any ideas whatsoever? I just want to do something with myself.
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Old 04-28-2009, 01:52 PM   #2
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Most first-time single dads freak out when they get the news that their girlfriend is pregnant. We've ALL dealt with that!! Eventually, alot of them actually come around. After they've had time to process everything. They have to deal with the reality that they have virtually no control over the situation at hand. And that freaks men out to be without control. They are biologically wired to want and need control. But the baby is inside of you... and you have the power to decide what happens between now and the time that baby is born. They are powerless... and it scares the ____ out of them. His running away was his way of controlling the situation, even if it makes no sense to you. The only thing he had control over was himself... and he didn't want himself in the situation.

He's had quite a long time to think about things. And he's apparently come to the realization that he's going to be a dad. And he seems ready and willing to take on the challenge. Even if he's scared. It's natural to be scared. More natural for the man to be scared.... because you've got hormones coming out your ears and your maternal instincts are kicking in, and you're now living for that baby. He's still just watching and waiting... Give him a chance. He sounds like he'll make a great dad!! Just be patient and I think things for you seem like they'll fall into place.

I wouldn't necessarily be in a rush to move out of your dad's place right now. I'd wait and see what happens with your baby's dad and go from there. You're saving alot of money by not having to pay rent, which is also saving you alot of unecessary stress!

As for school... it's been awhile for me... but I dropped out mid-semester due to baby issues a couple of times, and I was let back in. I was also able to get financial aid, grant money, and some loan money all directly through the school. Especially being a single mom.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:02 PM   #3
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

I'm gonna break this down as best as possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linds_0606 View Post
I'm 23 years old, 20 weeks pregnant.
First Congrats! I'm right there with ya! just a few weeks ahead of you... Have you hit the major mood swings yet? Oh just wait! They get better! LMAO

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linds_0606 View Post
I've graduated from high school, and I went to college shortly after for Mechanical Engineering, but dropped out in the middle of my second semester due to medical/depression issues. I'm not even sure that I would still have any kind of credit. It was a few years ago.

So what I'm getting at is... I am currently unemployed, but expecting to find a job after I have the baby. I just REALLY want to go to school and get my degree. But I don't have the money, and I have no idea how to go about getting the money.
There are grants and loans out there just for people like us. Wait till you have your child first. Then start applying. Once I get them all together (Cause I'm going to go back to school myself) I will let you know all the ones I find. Try and do a google search in the mean time. It should help out. Also, I know this MAY be a sensative subject, but check to see what your father makes. WIC will consider your child a person, even tho they are not born yet. Social Services do not. But even living with your father you may still qualify for WIC, Food Stamps, Cash assistance, Day care assistance, ect. The best thing to do, Suck up your pride and find out! Go into your local WIC department or call, and start asking very open ended questions... What is the min. requirement? Is there anything else I would need to be concerned about? Constantly reminding them your trying to be PRO-active in all this. And yes, I eat prob 100% healthier since I started looking into some of these programs!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linds_0606 View Post
I wish there was someone that I could sit down with that would say, here's how you do this, and how you will pay for that, and still go to school. Currently living with my father, so I'm not paying rent at the moment. But I desperately want to get a place of my own once I have the baby and settle myself in.
Trust me! I wish someone COULD set us down and explain everything to us! But it doesn't work like that. There is a TON of info on here, but if you have any question PLEASE ask them!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linds_0606 View Post
My situation with the baby's father- we dated for about 5 months before I got pregnant. We were absolutely careless about things. At first he used protection, then he just stopped. I warned him that if we didn't start back that I would end up pregnant. He just kind of laughed it off. So I figured... well I guess he's not really worried about it. And lo & behold, the baby appears. The first month or so he seemed fine with it. Scared, but willing to work it through. Then, out of nowhere, he came to me saying that he was worried that we wouldn't be able to support this child, and that he thought I should consider my options. (Now, when I was 16 I had an abortion. Which actually is what caused said depression. Short version.) So of course my defenses are up major, and I tell him that it isn't even going to be considered. That is MY baby and I will do whatever it takes to raise it. Afterward I rarely ever hear from him. When I do, yeah, I'm slightly mean to him. Because I feel like he doesn't care about his baby. So he says that's why he doesn't call, because I'm a b*tch. Vicious cycle. Anywho, a couple months later... and up to last Saturday. I see him for the first time since we talked that night. We talk, he sees the ultrasound pictures, and we go hang out with some friends. Friends are all really excited, and he's in a great mood. All in all a good night. On my way home he texts me and says that he's scared, but very excited about the baby now, and he thinks that we're going to have a lot of fun with this whole thing. He texts me every other day or so to say hey. And he is planning on going to the big ultrasound with me next week. So that's still open ended. BUT he does have a job, general manager at a local restaurant. Soooo I'm sure child support will be payed, etc.
I'm going to tell you this from MY experience. Plan on him NOT being there! I say that in the most loving way possible! It is better to plan on him not being there, not paying child support, not helping out in any way, then to get your hopes up.... IF he is there, in the end, then you have lost nothing! TRUST ME! If you want to include him, and he does honestly want to be there, GREAT! But do not get your hopes up. It will only stress you out 10x's worse then anything else. And that isn't good for you or your baby.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:04 PM   #4
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Thanks AM I've definitely been back and forth with A (daddy). I cared about him A LOT before all of this happened. And I'll put a foot out there and say that I do still care about him. He is, after all, the father of my child. I think that if he would try to work on things with me he would find out that it might work very well. He is a wonderful person. Calm usually and level headed. It takes a lot for him to go off the deep end. The pregnancy came at an EXTREMELY hard time for him. Lots of things going on. We're both still young, and of course have had no reason to really be all that responsible until now He got a dui about 4 months prior to the pregnancy, an has missed meetings because of work before... so he has had to sit in jail over the weekend a couple times for that. His boss just doesn't seem to understand the importance of all of this.

Also, we worked together. He was my manager, and everyone knows that is a no-no. But we didn't care. We liked each other too much. So of course that was a stress for him as well. He didn't want to lose his job when they found out that I was pregnant. He's been there for years. Which is why I quit in the first place. I wanted him to be able to keep that. Now, 3 months later, they've just suspended him a week for sleeping with me.

All in all, I know he will be a great father. Now I just wish that I could get him to work on things with me. I would rather have him there all the time than just part of it
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:04 PM   #5
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Am took care of the boy problem, I would love to help you walk through the school issue. I am a single mom going through law school and have been in school for the last 6 years now.

Step 1: Fill out your FAFSA here: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/. You will need your tax returns from this last year. Since you have a baby on the way, you are no longer a dependent and do not have to report either of your parents income. Financial aid offices at the school you want to attend should also be able to walk you through this step by step.

Realize that if you are unemployed you should have no family contribution and should be eligible for the full grant and loan amounts.

Work with your financial aid department so that you can get aid for child care for when you are in school.

Realize alot will be in loans. BUT, with a higher education degree, you will be in the position to pay those back realitively easily. I am not sure what you do careerwise with a Mechanical engineering degree, but I do know that engineering degrees typically mean really good money.

I did not work my first year of law school and was able to life quite well.

Step 2: Find out which of those credits are still good. Most of them are good for up to 10 years, so you should have no problem.

Step 3: Go talk to an advisor at the school to see what your options are. Alot of courses are online these days, so you could take some this way to be home with the baby.

If you get on this now, you could be set to go this fall. I would be happy to answer what questions I can. I am a huge advocate of single moms returning to school to get their degrees. This will help to provide a better future for your child and for you. Also, you will get a great sense of accomplishment from holding that degree.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:10 PM   #6
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngeliqueDiCieli View Post
First Congrats! I'm right there with ya! just a few weeks ahead of you... Have you hit the major mood swings yet? Oh just wait! They get better! LMAO
Haha ohhhh yes. I have not had ANY side effects. NONE. Except for the mood swings. And they are LAUGHABLE.


Quote:
There are grants and loans out there just for people like us. Wait till you have your child first. Then start applying. Once I get them all together (Cause I'm going to go back to school myself) I will let you know all the ones I find. Try and do a google search in the mean time. It should help out. Also, I know this MAY be a sensative subject, but check to see what your father makes. WIC will consider your child a person, even tho they are not born yet. Social Services do not. But even living with your father you may still qualify for WIC, Food Stamps, Cash assistance, Day care assistance, ect. The best thing to do, Suck up your pride and find out! Go into your local WIC department or call, and start asking very open ended questions... What is the min. requirement? Is there anything else I would need to be concerned about? Constantly reminding them your trying to be PRO-active in all this. And yes, I eat prob 100% healthier since I started looking into some of these programs!
I would love to hear what you find out! I'm going to be looking into it. I got my letter a couple weeks ago saying that I was accepted by medicaid. And I keep meaning to call WIC, I just haven't yet



Quote:
I'm going to tell you this from MY experience. Plan on him NOT being there! I say that in the most loving way possible! It is better to plan on him not being there, not paying child support, not helping out in any way, then to get your hopes up.... IF he is there, in the end, then you have lost nothing! TRUST ME! If you want to include him, and he does honestly want to be there, GREAT! But do not get your hopes up. It will only stress you out 10x's worse then anything else. And that isn't good for you or your baby.
Yeah, I've been planning on him not being here. He does say that he wants to be, but he'll have to prove that to me before he is seriously included. All in all he's a great guy, and I want him to be able to be around if he wants to be. But as of now... it's me and my little bean Can't wait until next week!!!
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:12 PM   #7
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Law Student Lisa View Post
Am took care of the boy problem, I would love to help you walk through the school issue. I am a single mom going through law school and have been in school for the last 6 years now.
LOL I meant to add at the end that LSL will be here shortly to help you with your school issues.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:16 PM   #8
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Lisa- Thanks! Great info. I'll be looking into that as much as possible. I'm not sure that I want to start off as soon as next fall because that's exactly when the baby is due. But maybe they'll start me off in the spring.


Another reason that I dropped out was because I did not enjoy the field I was in. So I'm going to be looking into another. For the past few years I have been reading into studying Anthropology. Not medical, but more social/cultural anthropology. And I'm extremely passionate about wanting to get my degree in Anthropology... I just don't know how exactly I would use it. Museums maybe... other things I'm sure. And I guess that's something I should think about
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:19 PM   #9
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngeliqueDiCieli View Post
I'm going to tell you this from MY experience. Plan on him NOT being there! I say that in the most loving way possible! It is better to plan on him not being there, not paying child support, not helping out in any way, then to get your hopes up.... IF he is there, in the end, then you have lost nothing! TRUST ME! If you want to include him, and he does honestly want to be there, GREAT! But do not get your hopes up. It will only stress you out 10x's worse then anything else. And that isn't good for you or your baby.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linds_0606 View Post
Yeah, I've been planning on him not being here. He does say that he wants to be, but he'll have to prove that to me before he is seriously included. All in all he's a great guy, and I want him to be able to be around if he wants to be. But as of now... it's me and my little bean Can't wait until next week!!!
I want to throw a little caution out there for you... if you WANT him to be a part of this, make sure you treat him like he IS a part of it.

If you go about it with the attitude that he's not going to be there for you, it could very easily reflect in the way you treat him. Which could lead him to be more hesitant about being as involved as he may want to be.

The more welcome you make him feel, and the more important you make him feel, the more likely he will be to stick around. No one wants to be somewhere where they aren't welcome.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:27 PM   #10
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

I found 90% of my mood swings were tward my ex, and mainly it was due to suppressed feelings. Most have been talked about, so they aren't nearly as bad.

LSL brought up a few good points about school. I don't particularly want to start school in fall... So I haven't been looking now. But if you do, I would suggest talking to her about it. The money is out there! Ya just gotta find it!

I included my ex in EVERYTHING! He has went to 98% of all the dr. apts, and really enjoys the ultrasounds.... We plan the dr. visits around his sched, so he can go... But I don't expect him to do anything outside of that. We only see each other at apts. And most talk between us is about my son. Now, As far as after Luke is born? I don't plan on him to help. I am looking at day cares that 1. I can afford, and 2. are what I feel are a good place for my son.

Check into WIC. It's a GREAT program. Also, since you don't work, you should qualify for Food stamps... But again, I'm not sure how it works since you live with your father.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:30 PM   #11
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexmichele07 View Post
I want to throw a little caution out there for you... if you WANT him to be a part of this, make sure you treat him like he IS a part of it.

If you go about it with the attitude that he's not going to be there for you, it could very easily reflect in the way you treat him. Which could lead him to be more hesitant about being as involved as he may want to be.

The more welcome you make him feel, and the more important you make him feel, the more likely he will be to stick around. No one wants to be somewhere where they aren't welcome.
As usual, AM does make a great point......

But I'd still be very cautious.
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Old 04-28-2009, 06:14 PM   #12
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Default Re: Questions... & my story kind of :P

I do think you should try and be patient with him and maybe he will be there for you and your child. You just never know. That's pretty much what a lot of us have been through.....keep us posted!
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