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Old 12-02-2012, 10:00 PM   #1
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Talking "I wish you and Dad didn't get divorced"

That is what my almost 10 year old said to me last night. The funny thing is when I ask her why(it's been over a year), she always comes up with practical things, like, "I wouldn't have to get up with you to go to Boys and Girls Club(before school care) when you go to work and i wouldn't have to stay as long after school." I explained that even if we were still married her father would have a job(damn right he would!) and she would still have to do before and after school care. I explained to her that her dad and I are better parents apart and while we love her very much, living together was not a good situation for any of us and I had to do what was the best and healthy thing for all of us. This morning she was totally fine and I really think that being honest(without telling her stuff that is adult issues) is the best way to go.
I struggle desperately with doing the right thing and not saying anything bad about her dad, but his disconnectedness and the clear fact that he displays very messed up priorities(far more interested in his singles group, does not have job and is solely relying on his very elderly parents for $$). His own cousin(Meg's godfather) ripped him up one side and down the other couple weeks ago because he finally saw it for himself. X's response is how could he change the perception people had of him as being a disconnected father. I found that very telling, perception more than how to make his relationship better. Even Meg comments that he goes out all the time, that Gramma overreacts at stuff, and that "it's kind of like he never moved out of their house". I do not quiz her when she comes home. She is aware that I decreased his visitation-she was having stomachaches after 2 nights there and that went away after I cut to 1 overnight. The funny thing is he is Disney land Dad and I am "mean Mom"
I just struggle sometimes because I sorta feel resentful because he is footloose and fancy free-with absolutely no responsibilities(including a job) while I take care of the house, Meg, and full time work. I try very hard not to let Meg see my frustrations with her father and so far so good(I think) but sometimes I just want to scream.
Any suggestions?
Diane
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Old 12-02-2012, 10:11 PM   #2
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Default Re: "I wish you and Dad didn't get divor

Sounds like a clone of my ex!! 45 and mom and dad pay his bills, buy his food, and yep, even provide him with a job so he can slack there too!
I just cut my ex's overnights bout 4 months ago, my oldest is moving out (18), and the two little ones are getting along better, quite honestly....
Beginning to see the changes here, slowly but
Dont have any advice, it sounds to me like your doing great!
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Old 12-02-2012, 11:09 PM   #3
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Default Re: "I wish you and Dad didn't get divor

Thanks WS, I am just in disbelief as to how detached he is to my daughter. Since summer, I have cut back his visitation and now he only sees her about 18 hrs a week(Tuesday 4-7 and Sat 10am til Sun 5p). I just keep cutting it down because I am actually concerned about his mental state...he thinks spending all this time with his singles' group is putting Meg first-he told Meg's godfather that straight out. He's a bit delusional in that way, he is a pathological liar and at one point Meg told me she had consequences for his dad when he lies or doesn't keep his promises. I was astounded! He is 42 yrs old, no permanent job in over 4 yrs and his parents are 86 and 85! And they are even paying Meg's support! It is so sad. I am focusing on making her home-and frankly that is what she considers my house, as stable as possible, my expectations are consistent, and she has responsibilities. I have friends who think his involvement is what it is(as little as it is) because his parents are alive and involved. So sad.
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Old 12-02-2012, 11:22 PM   #4
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Default Re: "I wish you and Dad didn't get divor

Yea, my ex texts every other weekend to see if Im gonna. Give in, but nope!
Im doing what I feel is the best for my kids after trying for 9 yrs!
My DD doesnt even care to go and hasnt for some time now (14). Only trouble is my DS(11). He loves his father despite everything. Ironically, he is my biggest safety concern at dads. Looooong story.
I know the detachment hurts. Every little girl (or grown woman) wants her dad to be a dad.
I let my kids draw their own conclusions about dad. K isnt quite there yet.

Rest easy knowing your doing good! Even through the little involvement there is, she will figure out things on her own. Just be there for her like you are, prepared to answer questions as honestly as possible per her age.

Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders!
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Old 12-02-2012, 11:35 PM   #5
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Default Re: "I wish you and Dad didn't get divor

Why is it they think we will change our minds? This is a man who signed the draft of the divorce agreement including that M will spend every Christmas Eve at home til Christmas Day at 2p, but then months later talked about splitting...ummm no. She is quite happy the way things stand. She is quite mature for her age and thankfully(? feels funny to think that way), I have a niece whose mother caused major rift with detachment and straight out lies and with whom niece has no relationship at 24. She has been a big help and is ready, willing and able to talk to M at any time as she grows up. Fortunately she has some excellent male role models in her life(her godfather, my brothers, and the fathers of her friends) so she will be ok that way.
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