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Old 03-28-2008, 08:25 PM   #1
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Just like the title says .... I am soooo depressed and weary of men who say "well your hot but not interested in getting "too" involved with a women with children"

Help I must be doing SOMETHING wrong!
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Old 03-28-2008, 08:25 PM   #2
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Just like the title says .... I am soooo depressed and weary of men who say "well your hot but not interested in getting "too" involved with a women with children"

Help I must be doing SOMETHING wrong!
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Old 03-28-2008, 08:43 PM   #3
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Well I did just welcome you in your other thread....but to also reply to this question.... Single women are no more baggage ridden then single dads, in fact neither are baggage ridden. We (either gender) are blessed to have children in our lives to raise. Alright so there are a lot of days that "blessed" just doesn't seem appropriate
I'll tell you that I've had my share of problems before, finding women (even ones that were single moms) that didn't end up having a problem with me and my baggage....I mean my daughter. As well as having to be compatible beyond just accepting the package deal. Know what? I just recently started seeing someone that finally seems to get it. Her kids are adults and I still have my 15 yr old but she has been very patient with working our time around the fact that I am indeed still a single dad raising a teenage daughter. Will it continue and last? Only time will tell but so far so good and if for some reason it doesn't I'll just keep on being patient until the right one does come along.
Anyway, there are guys out there that won't be intimidated about getting involved with a single mom, meanwhile try not to dwell too much on the ones that don't want to, it's their choice and at least it sounds like they're being upfront about it.
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Old 03-28-2008, 08:51 PM   #4
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thanks Don ... your right it is their choice and I suppose I am looking in the wrong "pool" of men but these are the men that I come in contact with and they all seem to feel that they have all the choices in the world so why take on someone elses kids. I am quite weary and depressed over it.
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Old 03-28-2008, 08:59 PM   #5
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I'm sure you'll get other replies to this as well. Just wanted to add for the time being that these type of guys will end up realizing this.....there really are a lot of choices in the world, however there are very few choices worth making and the ones that pass over another person because of children are just selling themself short.
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Old 03-29-2008, 11:46 AM   #6
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Don:
I'm sure you'll get other replies to this as well. Just wanted to add for the time being that these type of guys will end up realizing this.....there really are a lot of choices in the world, however there are very few choices worth making and the ones that pass over another person because of children are just selling themself short. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

well, Don, I am one of those people.
So, all I can say is, no point trying something that is not meant to be. He wanted to have this big great family. Actually, he had just left his wife and was dreaming of another wonderful big family with me and my son, him, his 2 kids. It sounded wonderful. The kids are the same age, we're the same age more or less, we have common interests (well, at least it seemed that way). But towards the end, I felt myself cringing everytime he said, we could do something together all 5 of us. I am really trying to be honest here, just to give you all an example of a woman (single mother on top of it), who did not want a 'man with baggage'.
mea culpa-there is nothing to add
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Old 03-29-2008, 10:00 PM   #7
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I guess when there is so much involved it is just plain hard ... but I guess I personally dont see the point of ruling out someone becuase their situation seems hard ...
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Old 03-30-2008, 11:39 AM   #8
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Kaelkieras:
I guess when there is so much involved it is just plain hard ... but I guess I personally dont see the point of ruling out someone becuase their situation seems hard ... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I did not do that and I'm sure many men have dated single mothers, but then decided this was too much for them to deal with and I understand that completely, after living it myself.

You can't force your family on someone else, just like that, it needs tons of love and commitment and understanding and patience, all those things that are usually hard to come by. It's the hardest thing to learn loving 'other people's kids'.

The difference between 99% of the single fathers and the single women is, that the fathers have the kids only on certain days while most mothers have the kids all the time, or 90%, or at least 50%. Why ? That has certainly to do with nature, with tradition, with habits, with laws that need updating...But it is a fact. So, in most of the cases, when a man is a single father, he's far from having the same constraints as a single mother...the baggage is just not the same.
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Old 03-30-2008, 11:50 AM   #9
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Its true, a CP single father is rare simply because of out dated laws and the idea of motherhood in general. This might explain why Mothers Day is almost a major holiday and fathers day is almost considered just another day.
Oh, on a side note. the reason that single fathers even CP single father may have it easier is the maternal instinct in women. Meaning they are more likely to take on a child then a man is.
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Old 03-30-2008, 12:38 PM   #10
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what's CP ?
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Old 03-30-2008, 01:00 PM   #11
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Custodial parent, NCP=non-custodial parent
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Old 03-30-2008, 04:07 PM   #12
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Chiming in on this....

I have been talking to a woman for a little over a month now that is a single mother with 2 children by 2 different fathers, and it bothers me not. Previously I talked to a woman that was a single mother of 1 child and it bothered me considerably.

Here is where the irony comes in...Even though I am a single CP father, with full custody of my son, we are a family. In my eyes, I no longer look for a person to bring into my life, I look for a person that would mesh well with my family. While the single mother with only 1 child was beautiful, wonderful, and a great match for me, she wasn't a good fit for my family. She liked my son, and I liked her son, but together, the 4 of us didn't mesh. She also tended to live her life for herself. Often sending her son to relatives and going out, or finding a baby sitter to sit with her son so that she could go swimming with friends...I couldn't see myself "parenting" or even attempting to parent her child as he was totally different than mine, as was her parenting style.


With the current girl that I am talking to, I rarely get to see her. She is VERY busy and VERY involved with her children's lives. She has proven to me time and time again that her children take priority over ANYTHING else in her life, and I find that extremely admirable. From a relationship standpoint, I could see what I have listed as being an issue, but from a family standpoint, who could ask for anything better? She and I mesh personality wise, I am extremely attracted to her, and our children act and react to things very similarly. While this "relationship" is a bit more taxing on me, I am very very interested in seeing where it can lead.

While I used to be one to think that I could never date a single parent, my views have changed. You just have to figure out what you want from a relationship and then seek it out. I don't know what to tell you about where to look, but all I can say is good luck. There are a lot of good ones and bad ones out there and it is up to us to pull the weeds to make our own gardens grow...

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Old 03-30-2008, 08:48 PM   #13
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thanks for the replies ... I am just fed up with the lonliness i think ... I feel like I am scared to put myself out there ... it is just a different type of rejection ...
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Old 03-31-2008, 01:46 PM   #14
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I think you would be surprised at how many of us are out there, and how similar our "odds" are to yours.

When I first got separated, a lot of the single mom's in my family said "oh, you'll have it easy finding another woman, we love a man who is an active father."

times have changed.

Most women I meet day to day do not have kids and they like it that way. When I "drop the bomb" and talk about my kids, it's like a ghost walked into the room or I just mentioned that I have herpes. Most of them seem to think having kids is contagious.

I know there are many single mothers out there but many of yall are too busy, don't want anything to do with men, or prefer men that do not have kids. It's pretty easy to find a man who has no kids, and pretty easy to get him in bed I imagine

just offering another perspective

NEVERTHELESS! If you focus on the negative, it will come true. You have to believe in yourself and your value before someone else will see it. If you meet a guy and believe he is going to reject you, chances are he will. And same goes for me : P
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Old 03-31-2008, 01:58 PM   #15
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You have herpes?? That's bold of you posting it in a public forum....LMFAO
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Old 03-31-2008, 02:02 PM   #16
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oops, I guess I could have worded that a bit better. Seriously though, I think my odds would be better if I had herpes instead of children.
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Old 03-31-2008, 03:35 PM   #17
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It's not easy. I think it's easier all around to date other single parents. People who don't have kids can't really appreciate how it is to be a parent and how you have to prioritize your life. I know I wouldn't have dated a single dad before I had a child of my own. Of course I was pretty young and utterly self absorbed. My lifestyle was pretty much work, shopping, clubbing, traveling, shopping, mani-pedi--you get the point. And, kids just dont mesh well with that lifestyle.

Come to think of it--Why did I have a kid, again?
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Old 03-31-2008, 03:52 PM   #18
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I hear ya...


It's even more difficult when a child is forced on you and the choice was never yours to begin with. But I would never want her to go away now that I have her.

I just want more now (insanity... I know). But a part of me does. Just with someone else and the right way this time. Actually being present and not having the birth hidden for a week would be a good start.

Life does change pretty dramatically. I just have to get through the next few years with her... my GOD the twos have been a . Threes are coming quick and I am about to lose my mind at times.

I don't know how I could date right now even if I was looking for something serious. Fighting the urge but "friends with benefits" at this time would be very tempting.

I am amazed how many of my favorite hobbies are gone now... motorcycle riding being one of the highest and most fulfilling. Gotta find one with a side car and get her some little goggles. =)

Seriously though... its like I am reworking my entire life right now and trying to find fulfillment in completely new things... without really knowing where to look. At least I have you guys to understand what it's like.

Just gotta keep in mind that as she gets older I will be able to do more... but years are an awfully long period of time to wait.

Then I look at her and get one of her hugs... and it is worth the wait.
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Old 03-31-2008, 03:56 PM   #19
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So much of it is timing too. For years I did not want children, so I shied away from dads. Then I met a man too good to be true, he had a daughter and I looooved her. We split up, I never saw her again. I still miss her and that was 15 years ago.

No more dads for me, I could not take the pain if the relationship did not work out.

Of course a decade later I fell in love with and married a man with 2 daughters who I absolutely adored.

By this time, I wanted a family. He knew I wanted children "more than oxygen" when we met/dated/married. He 'changed his mind' about having more - ugh. So we split up.

There is no visitation for ex step mothers... I was part of thier lives for 5 years. poof. gone. Heartbroken. I swore I'd never ever ever get involved with someone with children again.

Now that I have a daughter, I'd loooove for her to have siblings. If I ever date again (no interest at this time) I would totally date a dad, I think I'd prefer it.

Timing.
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Old 03-31-2008, 03:58 PM   #20
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by AKnightInTheMaking:

Seriously though... its like I am reworking my entire life right now and trying to find fulfillment in completely new things... without really knowing where to look. At least I have you guys to understand what it's like.

Just gotta keep in mind that as she gets older I will be able to do more... but years are an awfully long period of time to wait.

Then I look at her and get one of her hugs... and it is worth the wait. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I understand completely. I wasn't kidding about the lifestyle I had before I got married, had a kid, and divorced... But I was totally kidding at the end. The truth is I never knew who I really was until I had a child. And I wouldn't trade her for anything. All that "me time" I had before seems pretty empty now compared with seeing Horton Hear's A Who on friday night with my daughter.

And as far as dating goes, I'm a completely different person than I was, so I'm looking for someone who also wants to see Horton Hear's a Who on friday nights. (and, by the way, I think I found him)
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Old 03-31-2008, 10:36 PM   #21
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now I am lmao ... I totally can relate to that ghost in the room thing. I find (and sorry to the men for sounding like I am categorizing all of you)men that have not had kids see kids in their life meaning that they will not get as much *** ... which we all know is true anyway!

but they talk about stuff that being a single parent ... I find insignificant in a way. When I say I hung out with my kids or I want to talk about then then ... out they go.
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Old 04-01-2008, 11:54 PM   #22
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by LaurieDorey:
So much of it is timing too. For years I did not want children, so I shied away from dads. Then I met a man too good to be true, he had a daughter and I looooved her. We split up, I never saw her again. I still miss her and that was 15 years ago.

No more dads for me, I could not take the pain if the relationship did not work out.

Of course a decade later I fell in love with and married a man with 2 daughters who I absolutely adored.

By this time, I wanted a family. He knew I wanted children "more than oxygen" when we met/dated/married. He 'changed his mind' about having more - ugh. So we split up.

There is no visitation for ex step mothers... I was part of thier lives for 5 years. poof. gone. Heartbroken. I swore I'd never ever ever get involved with someone with children again.

Now that I have a daughter, I'd loooove for her to have siblings. If I ever date again (no interest at this time) I would totally date a dad, I think I'd prefer it.

Timing. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm just the opposite. I married a man who had 2 children. I thought I knew that it would be tough, but in reality had no idea! Besides spending 1/2 of our marriage just trying to see his daughters, battling in and out of court, there are so many other issues that I just did not deal with well. And I don't want to try it again. So, I am a single mom that is NOT interested in dating a single dad. How crazy is that?!?

Of course, there were so many other issues that were unrelated to his previous marriages (yep, I was #3, but I didn't find out about #2 until about 6 months after our wedding, when I found his previous year's taxes.) Who knows what will happen down the road?
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Old 04-07-2008, 08:33 PM   #23
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I once dated a man (and I use the term loosely) that told me I was too old (im 26) and had "too much" (two kids and ex husband) going on. He was divorced and had a child of his own. It really hurt me. I made me like my life was over and I would never find love.
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Old 04-08-2008, 08:25 AM   #24
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Welcome Sola. I totally understand, but take the perspective that he was not for you, and his opinion in no way shapes your life. You do! Don't believe those words for a second. An attitude adjustment happened to me. i felt the same way you do, believing that men with children will fare much better than us women. And I have three in my 30s, I mean I have a better chance of being struck by lightening, ya know? Then I met a woman at work who chose single parenting but has a very healthy relationship that may lead to marriage and thinks she is so fabulous and God's gift to men. LMAO. I'm not exactly like that, but it taught me that you know what, I have some great qualities that any man will be lucky to get to know. And the right one for me will accept and love me as a package. Trust me, they exist.
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Old 04-08-2008, 04:45 PM   #25
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Thank you. I dont know why his words stung me so much. But i do run into alot of men that only want to have *** and dont want a relationship because i have children. I know there is someone out there for me. i know there is.......
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Old 04-09-2008, 10:18 PM   #26
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by sola:
Thank you. I dont know why his words stung me so much. But i do run into alot of men that only want to have *** and dont want a relationship because i have children. I know there is someone out there for me. i know there is....... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

The bait you use determines the fish you catch...



As to your earlier post, 26 is not old. He is insane, I've got more than a decade on you and my girl is 4 months old. Plenty of time.
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Old 04-10-2008, 09:39 AM   #27
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I'm just now getting a divorce for the first time...and for the time being, I will probably avoid women with kids.

Not because she's damaged, or has baggage per say...but I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't want to pick a girl who will let me be the father, and then up and leave when things get rough.

I don't want to have my family split apart or have the wife "take" my kid because it's hers biologically...even after I've grown attached and have raised it.

Good post though - there is a double standard for sure for dads and moms.
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Old 04-10-2008, 12:58 PM   #28
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">there is a double standard for sure for dads and moms. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">there is a double standard for sure for dads and moms. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Scroll up and read my post from 3/31. I feel you pain. I lived your pain. I am sorry you have to go through it. To be completely honest, I wish you were alone in it, but you are not. Sadly, that being said, I have no easy answer for you. Sometimes life is just hard.
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Old 04-10-2008, 02:58 PM   #29
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Holy moly Laurie, you got punched in the gut way worse than me!

My fear (which I know is a reality)...is that my soon to be ex, is totally going to bad mouth my to my kid so he will love her more. It's just how she is.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:09 AM   #30
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Default Re: Why is a single dad sensitive and a

well I know I have tons of baggage but it was left a the station... litterally LOL wait till/if you hear my story.
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