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Old 03-19-2017, 02:48 AM   #1
Freedom
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Default Dating someone who doesn't get it

I'm putting this out there just to vent right now. As a single parent, it's very hard to find someone who fits into my life....no matter how much love I have for the man, my daughters will always be above him and I will never live him more than them. Also, unlike some, I am NOT looking for someone because I need a daddy for my kids. What I mean by that is, although I would love for them to have a positive male role model, I don't need someone to step in and think they are going to run everything or change the way I want to raise my daughters. While I do understand that if I am with somebody that I want to marry, eventually they will take the role of "dad" and some level of parenting will be necessary from them. That being said, I am just extremely aggrivated with my fiancee and debating whether I should just dump him or give him time to adjust and change. I know that it's hard being the one coming into a ready made family....I have been in that place. I dated a man for 9 yrs who had 3 kids to my zero, but this man I'm with. ...he made me promises and rolls me things that were nowhere near reality. He said he would be playful, sweet, tender and caring with my girls and he has been that way maybe 5% of the time and a non caring douche the other 95%. He yells at them when I don't think it's necessary and makes them cry/hurt their feelings and ignores them a lot. He is VERY affectionate, loving and sweet with me but not with them. I know for a fact that this man lives me and is completely devoted to me, but I HATE the way he is with my little girls. He has never hit them or anything, but he has said rude things to them when I wasn't paying attention and once I had to run to the grocery store and I left him to babysit and he FELL ASLEEP. I was gone for about 45 minutes and when I got home my daughters were crying and said that he wouldn't get up when they asked him to come watch cartoons with them. I was livid and have never left them with him again because he acted like it was no big deal. They're 5 and 7 and yes they are old enough to occupy themselves, but what if something happened? What if they got hurt somehow or someone came over while he was sleeping and caked the police or protective services? Any number of things could have gone very wrong...luckily they didn't, but that's the type of thing I'm angry about. He has a daughter of his own, but she's 15. I have no idea how present he was when she was young, but he claimed to be a very active role in raising her and her mother says he was as well. I don't know if it's just because they're not his or what, but I'm just about completely fed up and ready to be done with him. I love him very deeply, but my kids are and always will be my number one. I can't settle for anybody I don't think is good enough for them and at this time he definitely isn't! I don't know how long I should give him to make a change before I walk away. I have talked to him and explained my position to him and he was very hurt and said he would try to fix this, but I don't want him to do it for a minute them go back to being the same....I want a permanent change and I sint know how long is a reasonable amount of time to give him to make a change like this....
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Old 03-19-2017, 02:53 AM   #2
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Default Re: Dating someone who doesn't get it

while texting this I didn't realize the number of mistakes auto correct was causing. please excuse my poor spelling
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Old 03-19-2017, 09:00 AM   #3
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Default Re: Dating someone who doesn't get it

Welcome to SFV Freedom.

Relationshipping is hard, especially as single parents.

I have 2 adult kids, and one 15yr old. I date a guy who has 2 adult kids. I cannot imagine dating seriously when kids were younger. O Lord.

You didn't say much about what the girls think of him?

I don't know. With kids that young, my first thought is walk away, let him go.
These years ahead with your girls are going to be full of change. I am glad that I did it alone for the most part.
It's not easier as the kids get older, the problems are just different. As a partner thou, if you are not getting what you feel you should from this guy, support wise, I wouldn't expect that to change.

For me, personally, since my kids are a bit older, I forget how hard and demanding younger kids are, and active! At this point in my life, I am not sure I could date someone with younger kids.

Time frame? Dunno. Has to be your call. Guess the point where you feel you have done and handled things the best you could. A place where you are ok with the efforts you put into making it work.

I am kinda in the same boat, but with adult kids (his), different issues.

Good luck!
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Old 03-19-2017, 12:27 PM   #4
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Default Re: Dating someone who doesn't get it

Woodsimply Thank you so much for your advice! We have been together for about a year and 1/2 with my daughters in the picture for about a year. We dated for about 6 months or so before I decided it was serious enough to bring my kids in. My daughters are sweet and loving little girls. They love him and forgive him easily, but they are young and impressionable. I know he has genuine feelings of love for them and I can tell he is trying to make an effort, I just want it to be real and lasting. I won't allow my daughters to be treated any less than they deserve just like I wouldn't allow it for myself. I really thank you for your input. ..it gives me a better perspective. I hope things go well in your situation too!
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Old 05-22-2017, 04:52 PM   #5
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Default Re: Dating someone who doesn't get it

I'm going to delete my account on here
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Old 07-20-2017, 02:30 AM   #6
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Default Re: Dating someone who doesn't get it

If he is anything like my ex wife was towards my kids,he won't change like you want. I thought getting married would change things,but it only got worse. I finally woke up and left her,and I left her homeless. She finally left the state do I don't see her anymore but we do talk every now and then. We are friends and good at that,but a relationship won't ever work between us. It took me awhile to figure it out and it wasn't easy to walk away,but my kids deserved better and that's what they got. I've had a few short relationships since but nothing worked and I kept the kids out of it. Now I just feel staying single is a better option because it's not easy to find someone to accept another person's kids. My daughter is 21 and is still living with me since she is in college but if I were to get into a other one,which the chances are very slim now,they have to respect my kids.
You said you deleted your account but I hope you see this and run from this person.
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