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Old 08-02-2016, 06:08 AM   #1
WendyF
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Default Cannot give to one without giving to all

I am really struggling with juggling 3 kids on my own.

My eldest is 4. I can't take him to a store or shopping without him wanting everything and throwing a tantrum if he doesn't get it.

Worse still if I buy something for one of the other 2 and he doesn't get something he explodes in anger and kicks and punches and screams until he almost faints.

A friend of mine suggested to try shopping online instead and suggested a site called Kidzeboo that lets parents buy and sell secondhand baby clothes, toys and games and books. Kind of like eBay but more for parents.

I don't have much money and I am struggling (Norway is expensive) so Kidzeboo is perfect for a single parent to try to grab a bargain here and there.

On Sunday, I was looking for a used highchair for my youngest when my 4 year old walked in. I tried to close the laptop and he went crazy. In the end I had to open the screen and let him look at Kidzeboo just to keep him quiet.

So now I feel I have reached the lowest point possible as a parent where not only can I not take my kids to the store but I have to shop online at night when they are in bed.

I don't know how to deal with this. I feel even if I bought everything they have on Kidzeboo that he would probably then want everything they have on eBay. Whatever I buy is not enough and if I ever buy anything for one of the other 2 then I have to buy something for him because I just cannot continue going to the store and having to deal with the tantrums and screaming and with everyone staring at me like I am bad parent.

Surely someone here has gone through something like this?

I know there are loads of advices about how to deal with "terrible two's" and toddler tantrums. But my son is not a toddler. He's 4. And I'd rather hear from parents that have gone through similar situations than listen to the ramblings of a psychologist.

How can I buy something for one of my kids without having to buy something for all of them?

Thank you for any advices and any practical tips.
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:39 AM   #2
muskiedad
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Default Re: Cannot give to one without giving to

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this, I think all of us have dealt with similar things to one extent or another. One thing stuck out to me though was your line about that once you closed the laptop, he went crazy and you "had to open the screen and let him look ...just to keep him quiet." The reason he has this behaviour is because it works! As painful as it is, you have to stand firm and tell him no. Over time, he will back down and realise that you are the parent and the one in control, not him.

Remember though, it won't stop immediately, it takes time for you to change him of this habit, so stand firm. It will hurt you to see it......but right now he is being rewarded for bad behaviour.
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Old 08-03-2016, 11:05 AM   #3
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Default Re: Cannot give to one without giving to

Thank you for your advice muskiedad. The laptop is off this evening and we can see how it goes....
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Old 08-03-2016, 02:46 PM   #4
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Default Re: Cannot give to one without giving to

When my ex walked, these situations arose all the time. I think partially out of guilt but when she'd see the kids, she would spoil them at the store, and then they would wonder why I didn't do the same. My middle child was esp. "tantrum prone" so I have experienced first hand what you describe. The funniest one (now it's funny, it was not at the time) was his full blown tantrum when I wouldn't buy him his own brand new red and shiny chain saw! He was 5 years old! Over time he realised such behaviours don't work with me.......though he still doesn't have his own chain saw!
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Old 11-20-2016, 10:42 AM   #5
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Default Re: Cannot give to one without giving to

Sweet lady... I understand what you mean! You have GOT to put your foot down with your children! You must make them understand that they cannot have something every time you go somewhere.

When my kids were smaller, I established a few rules for outings. We would sit in the parking space at the store and I would say, "Ok, so what are the rules when we go shopping?" I would have my children recite the rules back to me.. usually simple ones like "no yelling, no crying, no running" etc... I told them that we would NOT be buying toys. I told them that if they were very good, we could go to the toy aisle to LOOK ONLY and put their favorite toys on their "wish list" for their birthday or Christmas.

Now, while I don't tolerate tantrums in public (I will find a bathroom and spank that bottom! You MUST be firm and it will not be fun for you ever but you MUST) I am also a bit of a pushover. I want to REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR at every opportunity.

In raising 5 children alone, I have learned that when you praise your child it lights them up inside. Children GENUINELY WANT TO PLEASE YOU! You MUST pay close attention and reward them when they are behaving well. Simple things such as "Oh, I love how you are being such a good helper to mommy today!" or "I LOVE how you used your quiet voice" etc. Kids will repeat that behavior JUST to get your praise. They will be good to get your praise more than they will ever AVOID bad behavior to AVOID your wrath! I promise you!

Make your kids PART of the shopping experience. Your errands don't have to be something that HAPPENS TO your kids. Make them enjoy the process! When your little one is getting antsy in the cart, take him OUT (just trust me here mama!) and put his little feet on the floor. Point to the food item on the shelf and say, "Billy, would you like to help mommy shop? Can you get the box of pasta right there for me?" Believe it or not... you've just given little Billy some responsibility, a distraction from his behavior, and an opportunity to earn your praise! You've made him PART of the shopping experience. He will love helping you shop and hearing you say what a wonderful job he is doing. You can get all of your kids involved in this way.

Now... I let my kids pick a little snack at the end of a long shopping experience... I'm sorry but I'm not a perfect mom, I'm not above bribery! My kids know that if they are good helpers, there is a 50 cent candy waiting for them at the checkout and they know that if they are horrible, not only will there be time-out at home, but there won't be a candy for them at checkout. If you can afford it, you can surprise your child at the end of the trip with a VERY INEXPENSIVE treat. If you don't want to buy treats, keep a pad of stickers in your handbag so that your child can earn a sticker at the end of each errand. I promise you... rewards that are EARNED work with kids! I'm sending you lots of patience. You WILL master this and this too shall pass! <3
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Old 03-24-2017, 05:33 PM   #6
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Default Re: Cannot give to one without giving to

when my kids were little a couple of times I had to abandon a full shopping cart of groceries and leave the store over tantums, even if I needed the groceries and it meant a huge waste of my time to come back later. Tantrum=go home. They learn pretty quick the tantrum doesn't get you want you want. It is embarrasing at first to have a full on tantrum in a store. by my third child I just gave it no attention and ignored the starers and honestly didn't care what anyone in the store thought. Every single mom has been through this.
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