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Old 07-07-2012, 05:59 PM   #1
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sorry Betraying your kids trust....

July 3rd, A spent the night at a friends house. She called me at 2am and wanted me to come pick her up. I did. When she got in the car, she said, "Mom I need to tell you something and you are going to want to tell K's mom, but you can't. She made me swear I would not tell." Well, come to find out, K wanted A to sneak out but A would not. So K snuck in a boy into the house and proceeded to seriously make out with said boy in front of A. A was furious and scared as well.

I have always, always told her that I would keep her trust unless it involved safety. I called K's mom and asked her to please keep A out of it and explained what happened. The mom agreed that should would not divulge the source. Well, you got it, she did.

Now I am in trouble with A. Serious trouble. And she can't understand why am am furious with both K and K's mom. A is no longer allowed to spend the night over there at all.... that was put into place the night I picked her up.

How do I make her understand that this is about SAFETY and that no matter what, there are going to be times in my mom life, where I have to override that promise?
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:19 PM   #2
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

To be honest, I wouldn't have promised her I wouldn't tell. I think if you'd stuck to your safety reasoning she'd still have told you. You could have said you'd speak to the mom in a way that would not implicate your daughter... maybe you found out about this without A telling you specifically? I also wouldn't have trusted the other mom to keep the source to herself.

A is just going to have to understand it, she has no choice because in the end you are the mom and she's the little girl in this! I'd tell her next time you will tell her you cannot guarantee 100% you won't say anything but in the end she is always better of telling if she truly cares for her friends, she'll want to keep them safe, too...just like you wanted and therefore called the mom.
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Old 07-07-2012, 09:04 PM   #3
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Honestly, LSL, this is one of those things, that takes a while before they understand why you had too. Sometimes, it is just going to happen.
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Old 07-07-2012, 11:32 PM   #4
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

This is one of those things she may not even fully "get" untill she has kids of her own. It won't kill your relationship though because she does understand on some level or she would not have called you to pick her up nor would she have told you about it. She wanted a mom interveention even if she is mad about it.
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Old 07-08-2012, 12:09 AM   #5
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Safety and Security overrides.
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Old 07-08-2012, 12:13 AM   #6
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

I agree with the others.

I think that A probably does know it was about safety and that is why she told you in the first place. I think she knew that what happened needed to but she likely felt torn and feels like she was tattling and you exposed her.

My only advise is to continually let her know how right her decision to tell you was and that while she might not see it fully right now she will one day. I would tell her that I appreciate more than I can say that she trusts me enough to know that I will do what is safe but as a mom it will be my determination of what is safe and not what is popular.

It feels great when your kids and your kids friend think you are cool, but they don't need you to be cool, they need a level headed mama to draw the boundaries they are seeking. It seem clear to me A was seeking them, but it is her job in life, as a teenager, to be disgusted that you told. Dollars to donuts she does this again and again when situations are too tough for her to make the call. She'll be watching what decisions you make, and she will thank you when she has little ones of her own.

Your are doing a good job, and I imagine A will come around and understand why you did what you did. She is a smart girl and I think on some level she had to know what you would do with the information.
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:16 AM   #7
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Surprisingly, she got over her anger quickly. She came in and apologized for being a mean little chit. She then said she didn't understand, but did understand. Whatever that means. I think it helped that the bff is not mad at her.

However, I fully expect her to forget quickly and become angry when she is not allowed to stay the night over there for a long, long while. I can't trust her friend to use good judgment that does not place my child in danger. I absolutely trust A. But I don't know that she will get the distinction.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:55 AM   #8
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

An awkward place to be in, but it seems to have worked out. My guys have asked me to promise not to tell stuff and I never make that promise. It seems to be a disclaimer as they are anxious to talk anyway. Hopefully that won't change.
I hope A "gets it" when you explain why she can't do overnights there.
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Old 07-08-2012, 09:00 AM   #9
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Yeah, I am going through the issue of trying to make M understand the distinction between not having trust in him and not allowing him to be in a potentially unsafe situation. We had a row about it Wed. He said something similar to A "getting it but not getting it". He said "logically I completely understand your reasoning, but I am a teenager and the teenager in me doesn't care about the logic, I just want to go."
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Old 07-08-2012, 09:51 AM   #10
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Love that Dig!

So glad A came around. I agree with Muskie and whoever else said it up there....I wouldn't promise that in the future. Explain that you will do your best but you won't put her or any of her friends in dangerous situations.
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Old 07-08-2012, 09:55 AM   #11
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Quote:
Originally Posted by idig View Post
I agree with the others.

I think that A probably does know it was about safety and that is why she told you in the first place. I think she knew that what happened needed to but she likely felt torn and feels like she was tattling and you exposed her.

My only advise is to continually let her know how right her decision to tell you was and that while she might not see it fully right now she will one day. I would tell her that I appreciate more than I can say that she trusts me enough to know that I will do what is safe but as a mom it will be my determination of what is safe and not what is popular.

It feels great when your kids and your kids friend think you are cool, but they don't need you to be cool, they need a level headed mama to draw the boundaries they are seeking. It seem clear to me A was seeking them, but it is her job in life, as a teenager, to be disgusted that you told. Dollars to donuts she does this again and again when situations are too tough for her to make the call. She'll be watching what decisions you make, and she will thank you when she has little ones of her own.

Your are doing a good job, and I imagine A will come around and understand why you did what you did. She is a smart girl and I think on some level she had to know what you would do with the information.
I agree, too, and look...I taught Idig to say "dollars to donuts!".
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Old 07-08-2012, 10:49 AM   #12
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

LSL, you are a Great Mom!!

Idig, teens....ugh!!!!

As for understanding, but not understanding.... that is normal teen. Our human brains are not fully developed until 20-22 years old. We make not so good decisions and are easy to manipulate.... (that's why the Dems wanted voting age dropped to 18).
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Old 07-08-2012, 12:06 PM   #13
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

I think you absolutely did the right thing. I remember when my stepdaughter was a teen. There were times she would deliberately get into trouble so I would ground her, and then later she would admit she did it because her friends were going to do something she knew was wrong/unsafe and wanted to "save face" with them by being able to blame mean old mom for saying no. We talked and decided that she didn't have to get into trouble on purpose...just tell me the truth and I'd "ground" her. It actually worked well for us. LOL
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:19 PM   #14
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Calooa, , that is how A and I have dealt with a few sticky situations before.

As for the promising not to tell ---- she knows that if it involves safety issues or something that later as a lawyer and mandatory reporter I would have to report, I am going to tell...... we talk about this alot. For instance, the last thing I promised not tell was the fact that her good friend is gay. Of course I am not going to tell on that one. It's not jeopardizing anything.

When she apologized I sat her down and said that I keep my promises, but the come with a disclaimer and she knew that. She agreed that she knew that.
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Last edited by LSL; 07-08-2012 at 01:29 PM.
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:28 PM   #15
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

How would you all react if you were the father of the boy involved?

Just asking...hypothetically speaking...

I suppose the ages of the kids involved would matter a lot, particularly the age differencebetween the two amking out.
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:33 PM   #16
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

BB: I think I would be extremely mad and there would be a grounding going on.

But my reasons would be different. This girl is 13, the boy is an incoming junior in high school, she just finished the 8th grade. I saw him on the way home, A pointed him out. I about stopped the car and let him have it. He was over 6 foot tall and muscled...... looked like a man. From what A said there was a lot of "pressuring" going on which is completely normal I think for teens.

But the way this went down was a definite "booty call." While I see this as a safety thing for the girls, I see this as a disrespect thing from a boy. I am not saying that this boy was dangerous. I am saying that this girl did not know this boy and she let him in the house...... What if he had been a rapist? I worry less about that with a girl being snuck in to a house.
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Old 07-08-2012, 09:48 PM   #17
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

Heh...well, I already knew what you would do. I suppose I was thinking more about the fathers on here.

And 16 vs 13 is hard to defend, even in the devils advocate sense.

If it was Bobby and those were the ages, he'd hear all of the ways that could backfire on him horribly...starting with legally. If he's caught, even with her cooperation, it would mess up his life. If she got scared and didn't cooperate with him, he could be facing some horrible, horrible consequences. Sure it's an immoral choice, but foremost it's a stupid choice.

Hah...but I'm sure that some fathers on here snuck out to meet girls at somepoint in their childhood. I'm sure that they'd all tell their sons not to do it ever, but I don't know how many of them wish they'd never had those experiences growing up. Hah...for that matter, I bet a mother on here snuck out to meet a boy at some point too.

OK, but I'm absolutely not saying 16 and 13 is OK. Really...at that point even your friends would be like "Ick" and make fun of you. Nothing good could come out of that situation at all.
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Old 07-09-2012, 09:18 AM   #18
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

LSL, I think you did the right thing. I see this kind of thing in my future with E. She seems to KNOW deep down right from wrong and even though she hates to 'tattle', she comes to me telling me not to tell, but something is going on and she knows it's wrong. I hope she always trusts me like she does now. I think you have done such a great job with A!!
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Old 03-24-2017, 07:17 PM   #19
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Default Re: Betraying your kids trust....

were the boys parents involved? if I was the parent of the boy I would absolutely want to know if my son made such a bad judgement call.
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