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Old 11-26-2007, 02:07 PM   #1
MISS KELLY
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without being too harsh and judgmental, please help!!!! i am a single mother of Brylee who is 5. I had a friend whom I leaned on when going through my separation, divorce, etc. my ex-husband has a new gf and 2 new kids already! the friend who was there to see me through ... i ended up falling in love with. he also fell for me. this man brought up the fact that he cannot live with my life and can't be happy in my situation because of my ex-husband and having to share my daughter. This hurts so badly! for the past year and a half, he's been telling me that this is a huge issue with him that he cannot get past. he keeps hurting me!!! i feel rejected, ashamed of my past. i am sick of being with someone who questions whether they want to be with me!

has anyone else dealt with anything like this?
he is a younger man (27) and i just turned 31. he is more career oriented and has had anti-commitment issues. he says he loves me so much but can't deal with my ex-husband being in the picture.

my ex-husband is a great father! his time with my daughter is beneficial to her and me. it is important for my daughter to have her father and i have my time/life.

urrrrg!!!!!!
my life has been overtaken by this!
i normally see men who fit right into a broken family situation .... not this!

any comments?
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:18 PM   #2
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and if he can't deal with the ex being in the picture he prob has some self esteem issues and is worried about you dealing with him

sounds jealous and a bit controlling

if the boy wants his cake and to eat it as well then he is going to have to man up and buy it.


But I'm in kind of a similar situation

my current girlfriend is not a mom and is having a hard time living with me as a dad

it is taking time and patents but hopefully it will work out in the end.
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:18 PM   #3
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and if he can't deal with the ex being in the picture he prob has some self esteem issues and is worried about you dealing with him

sounds jealous and a bit controlling

if the boy wants his cake and to eat it as well then he is going to have to man up and buy it.


But I'm in kind of a similar situation

my current girlfriend is not a mom and is having a hard time living with me as a dad

it is taking time and patents but hopefully it will work out in the end.
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:24 PM   #4
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he may have a self esteem issue but i think it is that he is more self-centered...

he wants this picture perfect life!!!!
i have been patient for over a year now!!!

what he doesn't realize is that it is the bond with your significant other that matters... not exes, pasts, other family members, etc.

he said that he could accept my life if my ex wasn't in it.... oh come on!!!!!
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:26 PM   #5
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time to move on
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:29 PM   #6
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yea - that is the easy answer......
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:35 PM   #7
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I would ask did you fall for him on the rebound? Often times we grab at what is available after the break up of a relationship. I would honistly examin your love.

He has a lot of issues, and if he can't get over them and be just a bit more realist in what he thinks life is about, then its not going to work anyway.
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Old 11-26-2007, 03:18 PM   #8
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no... i was single for over a year when i met him.

i admit that i did compromise myself and what is important to me.... i will do it for love.

he is too selfish!!! but i accept so many things about him...things i don't like. he is unwilling to accept anything about me!

it hurts so bad!
it is over.... but i still love him.
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Old 11-26-2007, 03:32 PM   #9
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Those who cannot accept change and learn from it rarely learn lifes most important lessons, like the fact that the world doesn't revolve around them and their petty issues. I am sorry for you girl.
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Old 11-26-2007, 04:40 PM   #10
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I understand completely. My guy is 25 and I'm 27 and he's not up for my life either. He hasn't proclaimed his love for me, but he's the best guy I've ever met.

For me ...I think it's the fact that I had never dated a nice guy before. I realize I need to move on and perhaps you should too. By us holding on and crying over it they have no reason to miss us. I guess if they miss us perhaps they will figure out our lives aren't so bad. If they don't...perhaps we'll find someone by moving on. Either way...I think we lose holding on and win by letting go.
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Old 11-26-2007, 04:57 PM   #11
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I would leave him if I were you.

Tell him you want someone that is ready for the type of relationship you have to offer. That is one with a child and the child's father. Tell him you love him and would love for him to be the guy that is in that relationship with you but if he has such a problem with it then you have to move on so that you can find the right person for you one day.

At that point, he either loves you enough to make a serious change and effort in the relationship or he just accepts that its over and you need to realize that he didn't care for you as much as you cared for him and you are better off without him.

Always remember, actions speak louder than words ... he can SAY he cares as much as he wants but unless he is willing to actually WORK on the relationship and all the obstacles then he isn't showing you anything.
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Old 11-26-2007, 05:26 PM   #12
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I went through the same thing a few years after my divorce and he ended up being my closest and best friend. For whatever reason, he could not bond with my children and he didn't want to alienate my children by stealing their time with me away from them.

I think early in our relationship, I was very hurt that he did not love me enough to figure out how to be with me in a loving, commited relationship. However, what he has done for me, my life, and my boys is more than any family member, friend, and EX husband has ever done. I cherish our unique relationship.

IMO, I think you should accept how he feels about the issues, create boundaries so you can date other people, and perhaps in the future, there may be a possibility he will find a way to be with you and happy with himself.
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Old 11-27-2007, 02:18 PM   #13
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I completely understand how your feeling. I too have fallen victim to "love" and fell for a guy who does not love my situation. Loves me just not all of me. We have been together for over 2 years and 5 days ago he has told me that he is not happy with beign in a "ready made family" Its one of the hardest things I've dealt with. We broke up and we love each other we got along great and dealt with problems as they came up. Very hard to end a relationship with someone you think is perfect for you. I have though started thinking about the situation and hoe can i love someone who doesn't love my daughter? how can I continue a relationship knwoing he will never be happy with "US" that he may regret if we ever married. some guys don't knwo there place in coming into a relationship with children. Especially when the other parent is involved. Which is a good thing. do not ever let someone tell you differnt. I am a firm beleiver that a child needs both parents. (as long as they are of sound mind and not crazy LOl) I guess what I'm trying to say it willg et easier. I find its very hard right now but the right person who will fall in love with your situation will come along.
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Old 11-27-2007, 06:41 PM   #14
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It sounds as though this is a maturity issue. As in... "I haven't lived enough to recognize that sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan it." He's still after that picture perfect life that those of us around here already know doesn't really exist.

The bottom line... you already know this isn't working. You should demand that he get over it or you're moving on. If you leave and he comes after you, then I guess he got over it. If not, then you can move on knowing he isn't the right guy.
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Old 11-28-2007, 03:32 AM   #15
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If someone can't accept you for who you are then they are not worthy of you, it is a solid point that one must always remember.

There are some things you can live with about a person you might not like (snoring, leaving the toilet seat up, etc... ) but they always have to accept you for who you are or you both will never be happy.

Don't bother going down the wrong path with him or you will regret it later for not making the choice now when you are questioning it. It doesn't matter what his issue is (Self-esteem, Selfish, Jeolous, fear of your EX beating him up, whatever ...), the bottom line is that he is not accepting you for who you are so you must find someone that will!
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Old 12-04-2007, 12:14 PM   #16
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I think we've probably all been through a similar situation. I'm going through one now. I have been dating the same guy off and on for 3 years now - he is awesome, great guy and we totally click. He's great with my son and we have a wonderful time together. What he's NOT ok with is the stress that comes along with being a single parent. He can't understand why I'm always stressed out, why there are crises that arise, why I live paycheck to paycheck. I shouldn't say he doesn't understand, but he has a hard time with it because he's successful, career driven and financially stable. It has driven this huge wedge in our relationship. He wants me to be where he's at - not living paycheck to paycheck, not having huge financial setbacks, etc.

I just finally realized that I can't be there right now. If he can't accept my life RIGHT NOW, then he needs to move on. And its the same for you. Sure maybe someday he'll change his mind but honestly, he needs to make that decision on his own.

We can all say these men are selfish or jerks or whatever but we can also acknowledge that dating a single parent requires a TON of sacrifice, adjustment and patience. Some men are just not cut out for it. I've finally begun to recognize it isn't necessarily a reflection on ME per se, just that what he needs I cant give. And no one should have to live like that.

Maybe he'll get a reality check someday. Maybe not. You need to nip this in the bud now. Stop giving him the benefits of a relationship when he clearly says there is no long term future for you. You need to find someone who can accept you, your situation and your ex as one big not always fun package.

I gotta hope there are people out there like that. good luck!
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Old 12-05-2007, 07:03 PM   #17
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Tinkerbell ----- I think i have said the same thing many times in relationships. I wonder why some guys I date miss the idea of two people coming together to "build" a relationship together.

I get the feeling sometimes the guys I date want to take a ride on the good times and jump off when issues arise to find the next best thing and come back when I've moved on the the issue is now petty if not gone. oh just ignore what i said.... I think I'm talking in circles these days.
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Old 12-06-2007, 10:47 AM   #18
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Here's the best way to look at it to me. Just feel blessed that you did not waste more years with this guy only to find out he's not GOOD ENOUGH for you (not the other way around). Your child may have bonded with him only to lose another person in her life. That would have been a much worse alternative.

I have a guiding principle which has served me well being a single dad with a son myself. This very much applies to dating too:

When one door closes, a BETTER one opens!

You and Brylee will be much better off and you'll find a guy who complements you both!

My Two Cents

George
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