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Old 06-17-2011, 04:12 PM   #1
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Default Disowned! (rant)

Some of you may recall that my stbx hit me up on a dating site and that rather then tell him who I was, I played along with him for awhile to learn some answers to questions I had, and had even considered "getting him back" for the pain he had caused me...but decided against it as that isn't who I am. Unfortunately, before I could tell him the truth, my stepdaughter found out, went off half-cocked and tattled on me. She blew things completely out of proportion and actually disowned me, despite the fact that my stbx said he probably deserved it had I screwed him over. Plus he thanked me for helping open his eyes to how he had mistreated me and the kids, and failed us as a husband and father.

Anyways, I attempted to explain myself to my stepdaughter, but she just screamed that I was trying to have a pity party for myself (in regards to the breast cancer and lack of support from her dad and her) and that I was crazy.

We didn't get custody of her til she was 5, and she came to us as a kid with lots of mental/emotional issues (reactive attachment disorder, depression, oppositional defiance disorder, abandonment issues, chronic lying disorder--ok that doesn't exist per the DSM but if it did, she'd have the diagnosis too.) We spent 7 years in therapy helping her to bond and feel loved/safe. Now she says I was the sole cause of all of her problems growing up. Apparently I forced her to lie, to make false accusations of abuse including my stabbing her and her father molesting her, claiming she was raped several times by boys and forced into having several abortions and giving up a baby for adoption, and stealing money, jewelry and other items from me and my family. I had no idea I had so much power!!!

The child is delusional. And this is not the first time she has thrown such a hissy fit and told me she no longer wanted nor needed me in her life. Now she is trying to create drama between me and her father. I've spent the past almost 16 years dealing with her triangulation of us, and now stupid me gave some fuel to her fire with the whole dating site thing. I know I was in the wrong to let things go as far as they did, but a lot of good did come of it and well frankly, I don't care what she thinks. I just know she is bound and determined to destroy any progress he and I may have made. And because she has never really sided with him, he's soaking that in and is now mad about the whole thing.

Part of me wants to just tell her how I really feel about her and the ____ she put us thru these past 16 years. And part of me just wants to turn the other cheek and say nothing. Yes, I was wrong to play with fire AND she was out of line to tell me what a piece of mom I was and how she worried about my two youngest being alone with a mother like me. Grrrrrr
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Old 06-17-2011, 06:00 PM   #2
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

How old is she now?
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Old 06-17-2011, 06:24 PM   #3
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

Sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else. Usually people lash out at those whom they know will still be there for them, so hopefully she doesn't truly mean what she says. Still, it must hurt like anything. When someone is delusional, rational thinking does not apply. Right now, all you can do is let her calm down and hope it can be smoothed over.
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Old 06-17-2011, 07:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

maybe just let her vent, if she has all these problems before she may still be having trouble dealing with them now again.

just show her the love of God, and that you do love her still.

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Old 06-17-2011, 07:58 PM   #5
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

I have lived this in a way. My stepdaughters villianized me when the divorce happened and their daddy justified his actions. It hurts, bad. It angers, big time. In my case mine were trying to come to terms with things, and they had a need for their dad to be right. They pulled away from me for a while, and they even said some pretty cruel stuff. I am not saying you should be a doormat or put up with it, but realize there is a lot going on in her right now too. The girls reactions and ____ led me most quickly to realizing that I would have to let my life speak for me and his for him. I didn't handle everything well all the time. i told his sweet young thing I was going to kick her ___ in the narthex of my church when she showed up in "my" place. I'm not proud of it, but when your emotions are raw all kinds of things happen.

I am rambling, as I do, but my point is, take a breath. Realize this has been an emotional thing for her too. Your life will show who you are, his wil show his. If she has temporarily forgotten some things it will likely come back in time.
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Old 06-17-2011, 08:06 PM   #6
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

Some kids- lots of kids- with Reactive Attachment Disorder never truly overcome it. They develop "good enough" relationships without ever truly having genuine relationships. You constantly pour your love into them and watch it spill uselessly out, leaving both of you feeling empty. Sometimes the best thing you can do is recognize this limitation and realize no matter how much you tried to make it work the damage is done.
As for your ex soaking it up, well, let him. Because I'm sure as you know it's not a real emotional alliance with him. It just suits her needs at the moment.
I'm so sorry. Huge hugs to you for all you've done for her over the years.
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Old 06-17-2011, 08:22 PM   #7
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

I would kind of turn the other cheek to this. She's probably just ranting and raving and not meaning what she is saying. I think most people when they say "I'm disowning you" don't really know what it means anyway.
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Old 06-18-2011, 03:53 PM   #8
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubba'sDad View Post
How old is she now?
20 going on 3. LOL I do know she is going through some stuff, and with the RAD it really makes things more difficult. I've spent almost 16 years being the bad guy and frankly I'm just tired.

When she and her gf came up from Nebraska last weekend, I wanted the gf to feel welcome and comfortable, so I did do a few nice things for her....like making bbq short ribs for dinner one night since she isn't allowed to have that back home (my daughter hates meat on the bone so apparently this means her gf can't have it) and taking the gf to the store to spend some time together. I also gave my daughter and her gf my laptop I purchased last September so the gf could use it for school. My daughter wanted to play a game on it but the gf was learning some of the programs with me and my daughter actually said, "My mommy gave me that computer, not your mommy. Give it to me now."

I will let her vent, it just hurt like ____. And yes, the best thing I can do is just let my life speak for itself. Easier said than done at times tho. Blahhhhh
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Old 06-19-2011, 12:45 AM   #9
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

Yeah, I know it hurts like ____. I remember that well. But Calooa, you are the safe one. I have had one other instance of this since then, but I am telling you attachment disorder or not that girl knows she cannot lose you or push you away. Ironically, she is is lashing out at the one consistent part of her young life. It isn't much comfort in the moment and again I am not saying you don't need to let her know it hurts I think you do! But she knows at her core that you love her. Daddy comes with conditions, and she needs to have his approval. At least that is my experience, for it is worth. There will come a day when she will see it. For my girls it was when they had kids of their own that they truly "got" it. Hang in there
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Old 06-19-2011, 12:14 PM   #10
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

Quote:
Originally Posted by idig View Post
Yeah, I know it hurts like ____. I remember that well. But Calooa, you are the safe one. I have had one other instance of this since then, but I am telling you attachment disorder or not that girl knows she cannot lose you or push you away. Ironically, she is is lashing out at the one consistent part of her young life. It isn't much comfort in the moment and again I am not saying you don't need to let her know it hurts I think you do! But she knows at her core that you love her. Daddy comes with conditions, and she needs to have his approval. At least that is my experience, for it is worth. There will come a day when she will see it. For my girls it was when they had kids of their own that they truly "got" it. Hang in there
I'm agreeing with this here...absolutely agree that having their own kids changes everything about their perspective....though some take longer than others.

---------- Post added at 11:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 AM ----------

Quote:
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. i told his sweet young thing I was going to kick her ___ in the narthex of my church when she showed up in "my" place.
Looking at the bigger picture, I actually am kinda proud of you for this!
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:07 AM   #11
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

LOL @ Blue for being proud that idig wanted to kick some tushy...... I do believe idig is one lady that I would NOT mess with.

calooa, I have no advice. I just want to say that I will be praying for you. Watching my sister deal with her step daughter is giving me insight on how hard it is to deal with a step child with a mental illness.
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Old 06-21-2011, 02:53 PM   #12
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Default Re: Disowned! (rant)

Quote:
Originally Posted by LSL View Post
LOL @ Blue for being proud that idig wanted to kick some tushy...... I do believe idig is one lady that I would NOT mess with.

calooa, I have no advice. I just want to say that I will be praying for you. Watching my sister deal with her step daughter is giving me insight on how hard it is to deal with a step child with a mental illness.
Thanks LSL...It really is different and quite difficult at times. I know my rant was pretty angry, and I still am quite hurt, but I do still love her and hope someday she will see the light. Just tired of being the bad guy. My one suggestion for your sister is to make sure she takes time for just herself, and time for her and her husband as a couple. I didn't, and it really drained me.
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