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Old 07-23-2010, 09:37 AM   #1
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Default What age do you have "the" talk?

Ok, so I was thinking its time to have the talk about sex with my lil guy... I am curious as to what other parents have done... What age did you talk to your child about it and also... Im a female... Should I have the talk with my son or would it be better if this lesson came from a guy..

My son is asking questions about cetain things.. Just a while back, some other boys told him a prostitute is a person who likes guns... I had to explain that those boys were being dishonest and a prostitute is someone who sells their body to another person for money... he said... like a slave? I said no, its not that at all...

is 11 to young to have this discussion? Any advice from those of you who have boys?


(this is all really uncomfortable for me period )
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Old 07-23-2010, 09:55 AM   #2
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

No, 11 is not too young, IMO. Anytime they start asking questions is the right time.

With my son...and with my daughter, too...I told them in an age appropriate way the answer to anything they asked.

In the case of "prostitute"...well, that kinda jumps into lesson 10, . I think I would tell him it's a person who goes out on dates (maybe including sleeping over) with other people for money not just because they like them.
If he thought that sounded like a great gig, I would explain that it really isn't cause would you want to be with someone who only wanted to be with you because you were paying them to? Would you want to spend overnight with someone you didn't really know or like just because they gave you money?

Later, once you get through the mechanics , you can enlighten him to the finer details. The danger, the....well, you know.
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Old 07-23-2010, 04:37 PM   #3
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

No I don't think it is too young, my oldest was around that age when I had the talk with him. It took me two weeks to work up the courage to sit him down for it. Starting the conversation was harder for me than the actual topic, I even asked some of my male friends and co-workers their advice. Most of them just laughed at me because I was absolutely terrified about what to say, but I did get some really good advice from a few. Like Blue said, be honest and use age appropriate answers. I also let him know that if he had ANY questions about what his friends tell him or something he hears about to come ask me, I would rather he knows the absolute truth than think his friends know everything. I was never given "the" talk growing up, and I think it is very important for parents and children to have that open line of communication.
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Old 07-23-2010, 04:45 PM   #4
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

I had the talk with my daughter when she was 10 due to what other kids were saying. We had a wonderful talk about it. When do they teach sex ed in the schools? I wanted to beat the schools "lessons" too.

I did not go into a lot of detail. First I asked what my daughter though sex was. Then I told her that she knew that boy parts were different from girl parts right? She said yes. I told her that God made those parts so that they fit together and that this is how a baby is made. I told her that God meant for this to happen when two people deeply love each other, that it is a gift. And that in God's "perfect" plan, it happens in marriage.

I left it at that and told her anytime she had any questions she could ask. And she does.

I don't think you have to be a boy to pass it on. Suck it up and do it! I would much rather my daughter know she can come to me and I won't laugh or make it uncomfortable, but that I will tell her the truth.

Of course, be prepared for the logical conclusions that come from the way you phrase things.... My daughters were: Then why did aunt J have her babies when she was not married? Hey, so and so aren't married and live together...........are they having sex? Take deep breaths and tell them the truth.

Now, I come at this because I know that you are a Christian and so how we would tell our kids would likely be very similar.

Someone with nonreligious beliefs can substitute the language above to say that sex is a gift and should be shared at a special time, when you are both adults, and you are ready......
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Old 07-23-2010, 05:55 PM   #5
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Quote:
Anytime they start asking questions is the right time.
I agree with this. M was this age too, and we ended up talking about EVERYTHING from sex to masturbation to love and emotions, because the questions kept coming and I have a big mouth

I am with everyone else I want him to feel like we can talk about anything. I am weird though, it didn't freak me out to have the talk. Sex is a part of life. I don't want him to take it too lightly, but I don't want it to be taboo either.

LSL, they started sex ed in 5th grade for M. Typical school film, boys and girls separated with a chance to ask questions after. Like preteen boys would risk asking a question in front of their peers

Good luck DO!
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Old 07-23-2010, 07:07 PM   #6
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

I started "the talk" w/ my son when he was 4, but I kept it age appropriate. He started asking questenions at that age becouse I was PG w/ my daughter.
We had the talk again when he was in 5th grade (for some dumb reason that is when the school decided it was ok) I have had some of the same w/ my daughter since she was about 6, some kids tolde her that she was PMSing! So I explaind it to her (age appropriate)
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Old 07-23-2010, 07:36 PM   #7
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

My parents never talked to me about anything! Dad blushed when people kissed on television in front of us. In 5th grade a boy asked me if I was a virgin. I replied "No, but I do go to church." Church was the only place I had ever heard the word. Somebody else the same year asked if I had cleavage and I said I didnt know. In sixth grade somebody told me about sex and oral sex. I was so disgusted I was crying when I got home. My mom asked me why and I told her. She said that some of it was true and that yes a man puts that part there. I WANTED TO DIE and never ever look at my parents again. She didnt tell me anything else just gave me a book that described an orgasm as the feeling you get when you slide down a slide really fast or climb to the top of a mountain..............eh, wish I had been more informed. I am pretty open when my kids ask questions.....or at least try to be. Luckily they are 5 and 7 and arent asking too much right now.
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Old 07-23-2010, 08:04 PM   #8
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

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Originally Posted by sara1 View Post
She didnt tell me anything else just gave me a book that described an orgasm as the feeling you get when you slide down a slide really fast or climb to the top of a mountain.
Hahaha...I might have to try climbing some of these here hills around here, .

Actually, I remember as a child going over big rises in the road, and you would get that odd sensation in your loins....hardly an orgasim though.
Does that sensation happen to men, too?
I know my Dad giggled everytime he did it, bit was never sure if he was laughing at us or if he felt it, too. We girls never said a word about it. It made me feel uncomfortable, though.

My parents never told me a thing about sex either. In fact, when I asked an honest question about it, my mom punished me. Then she went down to the neighbor (my friend who told me what I asked about) and reamed them!
So, I got in trouble with EVERYBODY!
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Old 07-24-2010, 09:15 AM   #9
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

thank you for all your feedback and suggestions... =)

Im am like Blue and Sara, My parents NEVER, talked to me about sex... Most of what I learned, i found out in school during an educational video in 6th grade and then later through friends... ( the sliding down the mountain feeling is kinda funny )

I want to have this talk with him, I really do need to suck it up and do it! Kids are having sex at MUCH younger ages these days.. Ive heard of 12 yr old girls performing oral sex on boys.. (WT bleep) I dont want my son to learn it that way or any place else..

LSL, I liked how you explained it... Im gonna use that in my talk...

---------- Post added at 07:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:13 AM ----------

Quote:
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In 5th grade a boy asked me if I was a virgin. I replied "No, but I do go to church." Church was the only place I had ever heard the word.
ok, this is kind of a cute lil story...
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Old 07-24-2010, 09:50 AM   #10
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

When my ex was pregnant with my first I said to my dad "I guess it's a little late to have that talk, eh dad?" He got flustered! LOL
Blue was on the mark, when they ask questions is the time to talk to them, with age appropriate stuff. The "mechanics" of it may be universal, but the emotional and moral bits of the story are harder to instill because of their mother's example.
Blue, not sure what that driving over hills etc feeling is. We have some hills here I go over but it hits our stomachs not our loins.
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Old 07-24-2010, 12:05 PM   #11
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

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When my ex was pregnant with my first I said to my dad "I guess it's a little late to have that talk, eh dad?" He got flustered! LOL
Blue was on the mark, when they ask questions is the time to talk to them, with age appropriate stuff. The "mechanics" of it may be universal, but the emotional and moral bits of the story are harder to instill because of their mother's example.
Blue, not sure what that driving over hills etc feeling is. We have some hills here I go over but it hits our stomachs not our loins.
Well, it is kinda in your stomach...but not quite. Or, maybe I'm just weird.
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Old 07-24-2010, 01:13 PM   #12
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Well it feels nothing like going down a slide to me! Maybe guys are just different? Just got home from grocery shopping with 3 boys...ahhh but my oldest was helping all the pretty ladies by reaching for stuff on the shelves etc. He is quite the operator, so I'm glad we have had our little talks along the way.
I have found lots of little talks sinks in better for the kids than one huge "the talk".
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Old 07-24-2010, 01:41 PM   #13
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

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I have found lots of little talks sinks in better for the kids than one huge "the talk".
I agree.
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Old 07-24-2010, 01:56 PM   #14
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Muskie is a sage. Yup, it's easier for me living in the country. My boys have even seen calving when they were young. The hard part is explaining the emotional ties. I believe God made Sex to be good and to bond a man and a woman. That helps build the marriage, but also make divorce a ripping of a bond. Not a surgical cut, but a tear.

Sex is more than just reproduction.
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Old 07-24-2010, 02:24 PM   #15
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

I told my oldest there are lots of houses out there, but we have a "home"..it is the emotional attachment, the feeling of comfort and security we have to our things and those around us. Same with sex. Anyone can go have sex, but I told him animals do that. We, as humans, must cherish it as a special gift from God to bring a man and woman together. I said it's like the difference between a house and a home.
That of course led him to ask about his mother....that was a whole other discussion. If sex was just "mechanical" none of us around here would have felt the betrayal etc from our spouses. Problem is, that is the hardest part of it to explain.
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Old 07-24-2010, 02:55 PM   #16
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

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I told my oldest there are lots of houses out there, but we have a "home"..it is the emotional attachment, the feeling of comfort and security we have to our things and those around us. Same with sex. Anyone can go have sex, but I told him animals do that. We, as humans, must cherish it as a special gift from God to bring a man and woman together. I said it's like the difference between a house and a home.
That of course led him to ask about his mother....that was a whole other discussion. If sex was just "mechanical" none of us around here would have felt the betrayal etc from our spouses. Problem is, that is the hardest part of it to explain.
Wow. That's brilliant! I tried to rep you, but apparently it hasn't been long enough since the last brilliant thing you said.
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Old 07-24-2010, 03:08 PM   #17
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

well said muckie.
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Old 07-24-2010, 03:35 PM   #18
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

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well said muckie.
Yeah, Muckie.
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Old 07-24-2010, 03:39 PM   #19
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Blue, Blue, Blue..... You are just having to much fun today..... go play with Rocky

But then again Muckie kinda works.
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Old 07-24-2010, 03:43 PM   #20
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

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Blue, Blue, Blue..... You are just having to much fun today..... go play with Rocky

But then again Muckie kinda works.
Awwww, you know I love you guys!!!
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Old 07-24-2010, 03:49 PM   #21
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Muckie? Sheeesh.......between that an fishboy! An interesting subject for you to try and give me a reputation! LOL
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Old 07-24-2010, 03:54 PM   #22
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Maybe you should just stick with fish boy, Dad. Much simpler.

I was just thinking about this today as my son was walkie talkie-ing with the girl down the road with whom I'm certain I witnessed a wedding between. LOL!
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Old 07-24-2010, 04:07 PM   #23
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

I love the home analogy! That is great and I am going to use it.

DO: I too was never talked with about sex. I got the impression it was a dirty thing that women must endure, and that guys liked...... Seriously screwed up my thinking. Funny thing is now my parents have no issues with talking about it, then though -- sheesh.

I made myself a promise that I would NEVER make my child feel that way. That she would know how beautiful it is ended to be. And how our sexuality is natural. That there is the physical, but the physical must meet the emotional for a full gift to be received. I want her to know that there is a deep soul bonding that goes on when this happens, so we must guard ourselves from giving that away too soon.
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Old 07-24-2010, 05:50 PM   #24
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

I must admit it is easier to write about it than the speak of it with my kids! A kid in my son's class took in an "adult" DVD and was showing the box cover around the school yard. He was suspended, and the parents thought it was all funny. Apparently the box cover had scantily clad vampire type women on it. I asked my oldest about it and all he said was "you can't take horror movies to school dad, they get you suspended!" I breathed a sigh of relief no explanation was necessary. He figured it was a horror movie! LOL
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Old 07-24-2010, 07:46 PM   #25
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

My parents didn't really talk to me about sex growing up either. So I vowed to be much more open about it with my kids. I never used made up words for body parts. I knew one person who actually taught their daughter that she had two butts rather than tell her the truth about her body. Geez, when they are young, private parts works just fine. As they are growing, I use the proper words for things.

When my oldest was about 11, I did sit down and talk with her about sex, periods, etc. We had a book we went through together and I was more than willing to answer any questions she might have. She asked me when she would know she should have sex. I told her to ask herself three questions:

1. Do I love this person and want to spend my life with them?
2. Do I have protection?
3. Am I ready to be a parent? (After all, the only way to not get pregnant is to not have sex.)

I told her if she could honestly answer yes to all of these questions, and discuss them openly with her potential lover, then she was ready and we could talk about what happens next.

The last thing I would say is that we parents tend to give more information than our kids really want to know so be short and to the point with your answers. If they want to know more, they'll ask. Good luck to you!!
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Old 07-24-2010, 08:27 PM   #26
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

My ex would ask the following 3 questions
1. Do I foresee getting anything material from this person
2. Did he buy the protection because I don't feel like spending my money on it.
3. Is he ready to pay me support for this child cause I'll kick his ____ if I get knocked up.

Seriously though Calooa, good questions, just wonder how honest the teen age answers can ever be? Even as a married adult, nothing could ever prepare me for the arrival of children, no matter how much people spoke to me.
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Old 07-24-2010, 08:34 PM   #27
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Yep. And love is fleeting at that age too! I know that you are never really ready to have a baby either!!!! Even if you think you are.
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Old 07-25-2010, 04:13 PM   #28
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Well I didn't say these questions actually worked! LOL Matter of fact, my teen lost her virginity to a boy she barely knew at age 16 in the front seat of a honda civic in the alley behind the school during lunch...without protection of course! I only found out when she told a teacher friend of mine that she thought she was pregnant. What I really wanted to express was that being open from early on really helps. After this situation with my teen, she told me she wished she had thought about the questions and the implications of being sexually active.
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Old 07-25-2010, 04:21 PM   #29
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

The problem I have is that at my age I understand the mechanics of it, but I am at a total loss to explain women ;P Other than to say they are Strange and Wonderful.
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Old 08-08-2010, 02:39 PM   #30
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

My kids learned how babies "enter into mom´s belly" at daycare when they were 6 years old... They had a project called "Human Body" and they learning differences between boys and girls, how a woman can get pregnant even not being married and so on... I was pleased their age doubts were answered, and just laughed and my then-boyfriend was scandalized when they learned words like "_____" and "______" instead the other little childish words they´d call their own private parts..
Then, last year, wheen we were in a book fair, my son asked a book that have a lot of answers for pre teens, not only about sex and puberty, but also about how to have good manners when you are invited to go out with your friend´s family or how not to get into fights... I asked myfriend that is a teacher if she thought it was an suitable book for his age and she answered me that if he wanted it, it was because he was needing to know about such subjects... He loved this book so much that I bought another similar book for his birthday...
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:28 PM   #31
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Hi....I have something to share about this, my son is just turned 12 a couple of months ago and I hesitated finding the right time to actually sit down and talk about it because frankkly it gives me the jeebeejeebees. This frankly blew up in my face to say the least, because as I was leaving for work one night, I found him experimenting with my 7yr old daughter. Not only was I shocked and bewildered, but things spiraled out of control from there. The "talk" was so needed b/c he had a lot of questions and was curious and found websites that showed him what happens. He just didn't dare to ask me b/c I frankly did not give him that confidence and I only blame myself for that. I have since sat down(even with pictures) and reinforced some much needed self-control and they are both in therapy. The most unfortunate part about my ugly mess is that I lost physical custody of my daughter and had really no choice but to hand control over to her father and his wife. Both therapists said that this sort of thing happens a lot (never knew or suspected), just sort of sexual experimentation but people just don't report it or make a big deal out it. Well I couldn't possibly just sweep this under the rug and brought it out in the open. For now the school is not aware of it but I am so afraid they might be alerted somehow, this is such a sensitive subject that other moms might blow it out of proportion and take it with a much serious degree than it deserves. My boy was just too curious for his own good and right now, I am soo unhappy that I did not start this topic early enough to prevent this catastrophe. My only advice is to never hesitate.
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Old 08-18-2010, 07:30 AM   #32
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

In germany the kids are given lessons on 'where babies comes from and how they get there' in 2nd grade! I thought it was abit early, but they seem think it was alright and didn't take too much interest until 5th grade. I've never sat down and given a big 'set talk' to them (twins, 13 yr old boys), I answered their questions (and still am) when asked to suit their age. My mother tried her best to tell me about 'the birds and the bees' as the sex talk was called then, I was the one to actually give her a book to read which was being passed around at school.
God proudlatinamom, I don't know what to say that would help. Perhaps the therapist could help out there, in making sure the school doesn't become aware of it. How supportive is their father towards you on the matter?
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Old 08-18-2010, 02:42 PM   #33
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Default Re: What age do you have "the" talk?

Oh PLM, I am so sorry that happened. Don't blame yourself though. Just don't. LOTS of parents never spoke a peep about sex to their children (mine didn't) and it didn't cause this kind of thing. You did the right thing when you became aware of the situation. Glad they are in therapy. Hugs!
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