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Old 02-12-2010, 04:59 PM   #46
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Well when Dad comes to see him, you could always drag out the Hip Waders!

seriouly though, it realy sucks that he plays the mind games w/ him like that
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Old 02-12-2010, 05:49 PM   #47
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

"Well when Dad comes"

Really Ladies, Please do not put this male sperm donor in as a Captial "D"ad. It offends us real Dads. Thank you.

idig you're doing a good job and you are a real Mom.
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Old 02-12-2010, 05:54 PM   #48
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

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Originally Posted by Dad1st4boys View Post
"Well when Dad comes"

Really Ladies, Please do not put this male sperm donor in as a Captial "D"ad. It offends us real Dads. Thank you.

idig you're doing a good job and you are a real Mom.
Sorry ment nooffence to you !
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Old 02-12-2010, 05:55 PM   #49
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

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Originally Posted by Dad1st4boys View Post
"Well when Dad comes"

Really Ladies, Please do not put this male sperm donor in as a Captial "D"ad. It offends us real Dads. Thank you.
Sorry Dad! I will try to watch that...
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Old 02-12-2010, 08:00 PM   #50
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I know, I just figured I get my turn teasing you guys
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Old 02-12-2010, 09:35 PM   #51
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Idig I'm glad M's talking. I think kids desperately want to know, why isn't mom or dad seeing me/being a part of my life more? Is it me? Did i do something? Love and reassurance soothe that. You're a good Mom!
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:12 PM   #52
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

So DD2 just called and said Daddy called her and told her he called Mark. She wanted to know how Mark was dealing with it. I told her about the migraine, about the not sleeping too good, about the discussion the other night.

She said "no offense to you but he CAN'T really talk to you about it and it has nothing to do with you". I told her I totally get that. She talked about how there is this guilt like feeling of uneasiness, even when the one parent has been gone - that it is impossible to explain. I told her I get that too.

He told me today about not being able to get together with a friend because the friend is at his dad's and I said, "Oh, have you heard from yours?". M got defensive and smarted back. I just touched his arm and told him I was just curious, not trying to start anything, so he chilled out then. I told DD2 about that too.

I told her that he seems to be a little freaked by his own feelings because I really believe he thought he was totally over it until he saw him again. DD said she can completely relate to that. I told her that M needs to know that he doesn't HAVE to let dad in. He also needs to know he doesn't have to feel guilty for having feelings about his dad either. I told her the supervised visitation will be enforced, safety will be enforced, but that I understand that M has to decide whether to have a relationship with him or not. It seems to me, M is waiting to see if his actions speak, not just his words.

Oh, and I have to tell you the POS when he called her to tell her he called M thanked her for being there for him when he is not, for "picking up his slack". He is so screwed up. Told her he didn't know whether or not he should try to call because he has been such a selfish POS. She told him he needs to get his together and start putting his kids first or he needs to just take a hike. But she told me she knows he will just do the same old thing to M and that M is just going to have to accept it on whatever terms he can. We talked about whether it is worse to have that happen or to just never, ever hear from him at all. There is no good answer to that really.

We talked about the fact M is like her in that he isn't going to be the one to make the calls and make the effort, that his dad is going to have to at this point. We talked about the fact that we both know that won't happen for long or if there isn't something in it for their dad. Her words, not mine.
Then we talked about her mom for a while, and her and her sister's latest heartache with that.

So DD2 is coming to get M tomorrow and take him for ice cream and talk to him. She is going to let him know he is perfectly within his rights to tell him to take a hike, or to tell him this it - either he gets consistent or gets lost. POS is coming back up next weekend. "So he says". Her words, not mine.


So I am sitting here, with my heart in my throat, glad he has her. Glad she cares like this, wishing I had had a her for her 8 years ago. Wishing things weren't like this, that people weren't selfish. Wishing M wasn't going through this again. Wishing I could do more than I can.
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:19 PM   #53
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

OH idig....I'm glad M has her, too. You are such a great Mom.....M will get thru this because you ALL love him so much.
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:38 PM   #54
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Awesome young lady.
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:50 PM   #55
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

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Awesome young lady.
She was M's age, well a little older 14, when her dad left here. He left them here a month and then moved them out too Convinced her he was absent so much because I was so terrible to be around. He crashed and burned 6 months later. My relationship with both DD's was strained for a while, til the truth of things had time to rise to the top as they usually do in due time.

DD2 (A) went to 4 high schools in three years and ended up homeschooling herself two years in one and began college at 17. ____ of a lot stronger than I was at her age. She got pregnant at 18 and married. She is still in school, one or two classes at a time, is a mom of 2. She will will turn 22 in April.

She has her moments too, but she has a heart of gold.
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Old 02-13-2010, 06:01 PM   #56
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

WOW! Awesome young Mommy too
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Old 02-13-2010, 06:23 PM   #57
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I read that sad story and wonder how anyone can just drop into a child's life like that....or drop out for that matter. No one should have to deal with this, but your son is lucky to have good people around him to help him.
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Old 02-13-2010, 07:04 PM   #58
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I'm so glad M has her. There could be noone better to help him work though this.
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:39 PM   #59
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

You are an amazing Mom with amazing kids!
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:51 PM   #60
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I agree M is so lucky to have such a caring sister. No matter how close you and M are unfortunately some things he just might not wish to discuss w/ mom, but how wonderful to have a big sis that knows exactly how he feels, and willing to lend an ear, shoulder or whatever he needs. And this, my friend, is a reflection of the great momma they share.
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:57 PM   #61
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

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I agree M is so lucky to have such a caring sister. No matter how close you and M are unfortunately some things he just might not wish to discuss w/ mom, but how wonderful to have a big sis that knows exactly how he feels, and willing to lend an ear, shoulder or whatever he needs. And this, my friend, is a reflection of the great momma they share.
What she said
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:17 PM   #62
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Yeah, I totally get that no matter how I approach it there will be somewhat of an awkward feeling with him. It is only natural. I am still going to talk to him and be open about it all, not make it a taboo subject, if that makes sense. But no matter how much I try to not come across as against his father, IDK how to explain i there is this natural defensiveness kids feel about their parents or even just the idea of them. I don't know if that makes sense to anybody but me.

---------- Post added at 08:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:09 PM ----------

And I just wish there had been a her for her years ago.

Sorry for the super long posts. I was feeling all melancholy this afternoon. I am better now . Just get bummed about all the ____ sometimes.
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:23 PM   #63
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

That did make sense, total sense!
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:48 PM   #64
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Wow.......I am glad DD is going to do that for M. I have the same wished you do about POS father's [or mother's for that matter]. I will never understand how anyone can do that to their kids. M is lucky to have you both.
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:14 PM   #65
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

So on the way home from seeing the baby this evening we pass by a camp and M asks me about it. It is a camp up on our little mountain for low income kids, and kids who are wards of the state and I tell him so. This leads to a discussion about termination of parental rights. Questions from him about how that happens. So I tell him that basically the state only terminates parental rights if the parents have failed at every attempt the state encourages. So he tells me he disagrees with that. He tells me he thinks it is better if an irresponsible parent just stays out of the child's life completely. He tells me that kids who have a parent go in and out of their lives end up with commitment issues and walls so strong it is hard to ever get through them. He tells me that it makes the kids have to decide when the parent comes around again whether or not to give them another chance only to get hurt and start the cycle again.

So I saw my opportunity to reiterate that a parent isn't entitled to endless chances just because they reproduced. Of course he told me he knows that with a bit of an attitude, but that is ok. We also talked about not shutting out everyone because one person hurts you.

I was a little surprised he brought it up to me. His sister tried to talk to him today and he changed the subject immediately so she just kind of left the door open for him.


The whole situation just makes profoundly sad.
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:26 PM   #66
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Wow, idig

I'm so sorry M is feeling so conflicted. I'd like to give his dad a big swift kick in the cajones...twice!
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:27 PM   #67
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Aww Idig, my heart aches for M and for you watching it.
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:27 PM   #68
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

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Wow, idig

I'm so sorry M is feeling so conflicted. I'd like to give his dad a big swift kick in the cajones...twice!

Maybe we could take turns!!
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:30 PM   #69
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

awww Idig. M just sounds so smart. Maybe this is his way of telling you he is thinking/leaning this way with his view of his dad, and maybe he is just so uncertain if how he really feels is ok and right to feel. I feel so bad for him, but he does sound like an awesome boy you got there!
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:36 PM   #70
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Must be catching....my daughter really wants her last name changed. She has been begging me to petition the courts to do this. Has gone as far as to try and go by a different last name in school.
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Old 02-15-2010, 12:08 AM   #71
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

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Wow, idig

I'm so sorry M is feeling so conflicted. I'd like to give his dad a big swift kick in the cajones...twice!
Problem here is he does not have any, well not the right kind.
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Old 02-15-2010, 12:44 AM   #72
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I think that you and step sis are one heck of a family team! You have given him a safe place and encouragement to express himself and he is using it. He's gonna be OK. I know it's gotta be horrible to watch him struggle through it though....
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:26 PM   #73
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I missed this Idig.

I feel bad for Mark, I can totally see the turmoil that he is going through and it sounds like he just wishes that he did not have to make this choice.

Your doing everything right, not much else you can do but what you already are. Glad that he has his older sister to talk to.

I really don't know if there is any cut and dried answer to if it is better to have the parent completely gone or in and out of the child's life. I think it is a case by case scenario and depends on the child also. I am biased, never having the chance to know my mother I would rather have had her pop in and out of my life.
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:35 PM   #74
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Thanks Pann. His big sister feels like you about the in and out. He is all over the board depending on the day the last few days. You know, I watched the girls go through this with their bio mom, ____ I still am. I have watched Mark go through this for 8 years. I know he will be fine, and I know there are lots of kids who go through this, but you get to the point sometimes you are just SICK and TIRED of seeing them hurt. He slaughtered all 3 of their hearts last time he disappeared. Literally in the dead of night days before he was scheduled to move. He kept in touch with the girls. Not Mark I am finding out now his new reason for staying away is all the stuff he "gave" him and then sold it and lied to him about where it was and couldn't face it.

I appreciate all your support. I know a lot of people and their kids have been through this and much worse. I just get tired of it, so tired of it. I wish the girls bio mom and the dad of all three would just leave them the ____ alone if they can't do any better than this. Enough already, you know?
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:54 PM   #75
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Everytime I read this, my heart breaks for all three of them but I also think How darn lucky they are to have you!
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:09 AM   #76
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Everytime I read about what M is going through I feel so badly for him!! He has you, idig....and I know this will work itself out because of that fact alone...and time. Maybe he has to be older and more able to decide to NOT see him. Of his own choice...
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Old 02-16-2010, 03:08 PM   #77
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I wouldn't say it was a commitment issue, but defintely a trust issue. P does not trust men. All the promises that were made to him by his father, were broken. He is slowly coming to terms with the fact that not all men are as irresponsible like his father. It has always been P's decision about if he wants to contact or see his father, I have always told him to be honest with him. If he hurt him or made him angry, he needs to tell him. Sometimes just writing a letter to him, even if he doesn't send it, helps get some of the confusion out of his head and he works through it. Maybe tell M that making a decision about seeing an absent parent is part of him growing up. It gives him the power to decide whether he is going to let him in again. Even at my age I have given my mother numerous chances to be in my life and every time she lets me down, the only difference is now I don't get as hurt by it as I did at M's age.

It hurts to see our kids go through this, I feel so bad for you and M.
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Old 02-16-2010, 03:53 PM   #78
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Thanks, Schroed. I know this is the way it is and he has to deal with it and work through it. I just wish he didn't have to.


We had another talk about it last night, well he had a blow up . We actually did talk about the fact he has to decide how he feels and if he wants to give him another chance or not. Him going to the beach spring break is not an option at this point, but he says he doesn't care about being at the wedding. It is just trying to decide if he wants to go down this road again that is bothering him so much.

A-hole is coming back in town this weekend for one of the grandkid's things supposedly. Wonder why all of the sudden he has interest? He hasn't been to any of their birthdays or events before. HIS mother is livid and wants him just to stay away from the kids. We will see what happens next.
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Old 02-16-2010, 04:04 PM   #79
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

hugs for you and M......Poor kid...
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Old 02-16-2010, 06:27 PM   #80
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

I had a thought Idig, not sure if I am right.

Do you think that the ex is just showing a sudden interest to look good for the new bride??
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:28 PM   #81
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Yeah, Pann I think you're right. The thing is, they were dating Christmas before last, when he came here last time. Then she dropped him. They got back together just before this Christmas, when he sent him a gift. Now he is coming up here two times in a month?? Interesting, huh?
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:31 PM   #82
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

My ex just got married and I don't think she really wants any of the boys. I thinl she wants me and the court to say no. Then she and her rich SugarDaddy can play without the responsibility, and look good for the neighbors.
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:36 PM   #83
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Yeah, amazing how much looking godd for the neighbors can motivate some people.

His mom, the ex's mom, went OFF today about him walking in and out of these kids lives and acting like it is totally normal and ok to do it over and over and over. Of course she would never say that to him, but it was interesting. She has more anger than I do about it!
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Old 02-17-2010, 04:02 AM   #84
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Idig I'm sorry for the hurt M, DD's and you have felt from x's behavior, in & out of his kids lives. I believe you are doing everything possible to deal/handle/resolve it. I also believe you are there to comfort/soothe/pick-up the pieces when the hurt comes. IDK what I'd can offer to help other than my support and care? Reading the development of these posts I'm starting to think x Is trying to use M and DD's for appearances, vanity. If his own Mom sees this and is just as upset I wish she could speak her truth to him bluntly, kind of an intervention. IDK really.
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:53 AM   #85
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

Ah, there is no solution. Mostly I am just venting at this point. It is just a sad, frustrating situation. It is what it is, they all have to work through and find their way to accept and deal with it. Sure is hard witnessing it and not being able to fix though

It is fairly undeniable who he is and what he is about, even to mama.

M seems better right now, but we shall see what the weekend brings.

Likely to be more venting from me before it's all over.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:17 PM   #86
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Default Re: I handled THAT really well

We can just blurt it out and someones here to listen read and respond, maybe been thru something similar and has encouragement. It inspires hope, helps get a new perspective, see the positive. BTW i think your x is POS.
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