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Old 03-06-2010, 03:43 AM   #1
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Default Power struggles

The word of the year!
I feel like EVERY thing I say becomes and argument, I think that my son thinks I'm a moron so if I say it, it must be wrong. I can only assume one place it's coming from, even if it's unintentional, I'm pretty sure I can see how this has happened.
He says 'my mom said _______' and the reply stating that his mom is wrong, doesn't know anything about _________ sinple mocking laughter etc.
Over the years it has been gradual, but now it's at a boiling point.

I need help in duffusing the power struggles without reinforcing his belief that he knows all, and I'm an idiot.
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:07 AM   #2
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Default Re: Power struggles

Hi Mum,

I am right there with you at times with this frustration. It has gotten a lot better around my house, though there are still those moments.

I will give you my opinions, for whatever they are worth!

Speaking as a former teenager who had zero respect for her parents, I will say that to a degree parents have to demand respect at this age. My girls got sick of hearing me say "I don't care if you hate my guts at this moment, you will treat me respect if for no other reason than I have been alive longer than you". My (now 12 year old) son hears it too, but not nearly as often as my sassy ____ DD2 did when she was a teen!

It helps me to realize that it isn't really personal, though that is a jagged pill when your baby treats you that way. It is a necessary part of them growing into strong individuals. However it is our responsibility as parents to set the bounds.

I got great advice from a teacher when my stepdaughters came to live with us full time and DD2 was ____ on wheels. Her advise was, do not engage in the power struggle. At a time when you are NOT in a struggle lay out the boundaries and the consequences and stick to them, every time. Easier said than done, but quite effective.

No matter what they are going to think they know it all at times, and that we are moronic and clueless. They are not going see things from our point of view until they have more life experience. It is normal for them to feel that way. Necessary even for their development. It is, however, up to us how much respect we are treated with.

A big help is finding more respect for them when they act in ways deserving of it. I have found with mine, that when I acknowledge(d) to them I am wrong, or am just acting habitually instead of taking into account that they are older and should be allowed to respectfully explain their reasoning behind disagreements with me. My son is the only one still in the home, not an adult, and he knows as my girls did that the final word is mine for now, and that is just how it is growing up. That the time will come soon enough when the decisions, and the consequences of them, are all theirs. The girls sometimes express the desire to go back in time when they where clueless and thought they knew it all
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Old 03-06-2010, 01:59 PM   #3
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Default Re: Power struggles

great post Idig, yep, its necessary for their growth... so we will not mind so much when they decide to leave at 18.
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:58 PM   #4
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Default Re: Power struggles

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Originally Posted by MotherBoard View Post
great post Idig, yep, its necessary for their growth... so we will not mind so much when they decide to leave at 18.
!! That too, Mom!
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:09 PM   #5
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Default Re: Power struggles

Mum, My dd's are approaching the stage you're describing but not there yet. I keep coming back to the photo Idig put up.

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Old 03-06-2010, 06:41 PM   #6
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Default Re: Power struggles

I've learned to just walk away. After I make a statement and she keeps talking I go in another room. Silence isn't fun to talk to. It doesn't engage!
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Old 03-07-2010, 03:54 AM   #7
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Default Re: Power struggles

Thanks so much everyone. This has been the topic on my mind for a while. I have done a lot of reading, today has been good (there are a couple days of each month where I do the exact opposite of what a parent should (oops)) but I am sure I'll get a chance soon to try these ideas out.
Very comforting to know it isn't just me and my child though
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Old 03-07-2010, 10:50 AM   #8
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Default Re: Power struggles

You only a have a couple of days a month you do the exact opposite You're doing better than me!!
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Old 03-07-2010, 10:59 AM   #9
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Default Re: Power struggles

it would be nice if we had a dry run, but its all on the job training, and once you do get it all down, it will be time for them to start their own families, and they will do the same...

But def you are not alone.
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Old 03-07-2010, 11:36 AM   #10
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Default Re: Power struggles

Isn't that the truth, Mom!!!!
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Old 03-08-2010, 01:13 PM   #11
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Default Re: Power struggles

Quote:
Originally Posted by idig View Post
You only a have a couple of days a month you do the exact opposite You're doing better than me!!
Don't get me wrong, the rest of the days are not perfect, but as a woman, there are some days are WAY worse then others
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Old 03-08-2010, 01:32 PM   #12
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Default Re: Power struggles

LOl, this remind me of the conversation that i had w/ my son this weekend.....
I had to tell him that it is not what he says but how he says it, and I don't like that he talks to me and his sister w/ distain, condencendance, and like we are stupid. I have also had to remind him that he need to keep his attitude in ck.
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