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Old 04-16-2010, 09:40 AM   #1
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Default Smothering mother?

What is smothering and what is healthy with boys going through puberty and learning how to grow up? What is protection and what is overprotection? Where is the line?

This is my first experience with a boy so I would love to hear people's take on this...
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Old 04-16-2010, 09:51 AM   #2
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

I don't know, but I wanted to say you are such a great mom for wanting to make sure you are doing right by M.....
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:13 AM   #3
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

I have never had girls, so Im not sure where the comparison lye, can you elaborate. Like some examples, that you have done with the girls and not sure with the boys...

Having four boys here and no siblings, I have no comparison. Can you give some examples, and Ill give it a shot.

Not Letting boys climb trees is over protective,
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:14 AM   #4
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

I have two sons, now 22 and 18 with little involvement of their father. I had both in scouting and sports such as soccer, baseball as wee guys. The oldest wasn't that out going and prefered video games/computer and now is an IT guy for a major bank . My other son is Mr. Social Guy and keeps Mom's taxi on the go! He added curling to his loves, church youth group and for awhile was involved in the Big Brother program, but he didn't like the one on one. Both went to 'sleep over camps', but the oldest made me promise to never make him go again, were the younger was a camper for 3 years, LIT for 2 years and then councilor for 3 years. It all depends on the interests of your son and then finding a group to mentor the interest and as a Mom, to step back and let him experience and learn as he goes (that's the hard part). I've found it much easier to raise the boys than their sister (17 now).
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:30 AM   #5
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

taking away the ligher cause they want to see their personal methan gas in flames is reasonable.

---------- Post added at 09:18 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:14 AM ----------

Licking a napkin and wiping the smudge from their face, especially in front of friends is smothering.

---------- Post added at 09:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 AM ----------

If there is a Chameleon Person around, a mother can never be over protective. She will need to be open and honest to why she is protective.
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:43 AM   #6
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Idig I know I used that phrase earlier....and I did not mean to imply you did that, so I hope just seeing that word did not start your mind racing. From what you have written here, you are not smothering in the least! The activities you speak of with your son all speak of wonderful parenting.
Speaking from experience...having gone thru puberty...(might still be, not sure some days!) If friends came over to watch a movie....my mom tried to be "cool" and sit with us. Ummm no! She would pull out pictures from her wallet and my brothers and I would be mortified! No no no........not the pictures, not the baby stories....no please let the ground open up and swallow me.
Everything you have written and described to my eyes shows me that you have struck that balance between holding back and being involved. Don't doubt yourself. Remember that separating himself from his mom is not a reflection of you but nature taking its course.
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:46 AM   #7
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

I have been through the girl/mom struggle twice, more with DD2 than DD1 partly because of 2's strong personality and partly because with the 5 year age difference I had a close relationship with 2 for more of her life, plus her mom was largely absent in her preteen/early teen years.

I guess my question is based on Muskie saying in another thread that with a boy a mom cannot smother.

Very wise suggestions Claire and Mom.

I am just interested in what people think about it. I read and have seen around here about the necessity for boys to break away from mom and as they become more sexual beings. I don't want to be the Pink Floyd "Mother" but I don't want to lose having a close relationship either. My relationship with girls evolved into something different in adulthood, adn I know mine with Mark will too. But there was a big old hiccup and a lot of tough lessons at the hand of their dad in the girls case. Looks like I may be headed there again. The only difference is this time I do have some control and I am trying not to mishandle that, if that makes sense.
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:49 AM   #8
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

idig, I think you know what to do. M will also let you know if you are getting to smothering. even boys like to know their mother cringes once in a while, but still lets him fall and skin his knees. He needs to know you are close (but not too close) so if he needs you he knows where to look.
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:01 AM   #9
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Dad said it well.....you are there in the background. For your son you will be that feeling of stability, comfort, somewhere to turn. Like I feel when my woodshed is full, the pantry well stocked and (rarely) money in the bank. He needs that.
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:18 AM   #10
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Idig, I read that other thread after posting here, but I can say will all promise that boys bond to us as mothers is much different, Young men don't really talk they kinda grunt and smile, Its more of reading their expressions, and body language. With girls they get chatty and talk, they girlfriends to my sons talk to me more, even call just to talk with me, When I substitute at the school, the girls will want to sit with me, But the boys, they are all huddled together having these secret conversations, it seems.

If a girl approaches them, they get quite again. I think they are trying to figure out and carve their own out about being a man and what they think is excepted of them and what they feel they can handle, or can do.

Your a great mom, and like others have said you have no need to question that.

I have found that conversation about food always get their attention...
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Old 04-16-2010, 07:00 PM   #11
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Sorry to be of absolutely no help.......but you will find your way.....

Motherboard are you sure the wiping of the face with spit is smothering?
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Old 04-16-2010, 07:22 PM   #12
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

I have been thinking about this thread since last night. You are definitely not a smothering mom. A mom who smothers is all up in a childs business. Not because mom knows what is going on, but mom is making comments, hangin' with the kids, controlling the movements of the child. A smothering mom will protect to the point of ridiculousness. A smothering mom will not allow a child to think critically for him/herself. She will coddle and spoil, wrapping her child up in wool.

Because you are allowing M the decision of whether to see his father, this is not smothering. Sure, there are safety measures in place......because his father is not an adult. Funny enough, it's not M you distrust!!!!!
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:08 PM   #13
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Thank you to everyone. I was a mess this morning. An absolute mess. We will see. One day at a time.
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:26 PM   #14
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

You were not a mess you just love your son to bits and you are protecting him. That makes you a great mom!
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:55 PM   #15
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

(((((Idig))))))
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Old 04-17-2010, 08:27 AM   #16
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

You are NOT a smothering mom....

I wonder how this will turn out. Could it be his dad is just making empty promises and won't really follow thru???
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Old 04-17-2010, 08:35 AM   #17
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sara1 View Post
Sorry to be of absolutely no help.......but you will find your way.....

Motherboard are you sure the wiping of the face with spit is smothering?
Mom spit is like kriptinite [sp? spider man stuff] to tween boys, its other things too, but... nough said

Yep, I think getting him interested is things like guitar or rock climbing or other healthy interests and anything that is healthy and that exposes him to what life is like. Then he can ask his dad to come into HIS life, to watch him climb or play, instead of the other way around.

Selfish people hardly ever enter a child's life, they pull them into their.

15 years olds will be the hardest marker in time, childhood. When the hormones go crazy. So save some energy for then.
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Old 04-17-2010, 09:39 AM   #18
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Mother that is a great way to put it. Make the father come into the child's life, not drag the child into his.
Wish we could make it illegal to be selfish! Then we would not have to be drawn into these exhausting matters. It is such a drain on us all emotionally and physically.
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Old 04-17-2010, 10:03 AM   #19
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Mom, you make a good point about it being M entering his life not the other way around. That is how it has always been. His dad won't be the one to make a consistent effort. It just isn't going to happen. Even in his good days he felt it at least equally if not more the responsibility of the girls to call him instead of him calling them.

I do worry about M wanting his attention/love so much that he gets pulled into his dad's world. But all I can do is give it time and try and guide him away from that world without smothering and pushing him into it instead.

---------- Post added at 08:01 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:55 AM ----------

Yeah Musk, but the kids will still see it as you preventing them from time they long for with the other parent if you don't accommodate them going to them some. M will not have his dad come into his life, it isn't going to happen. Right now his decision is to go to his dad, which I will accommodate to a degree (I am thinking maybe once a quarter).

---------- Post added at 08:03 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:01 AM ----------

Oh, M said to me last night after we left eating pizza with the family after the DGD1's soccer game "I really do see C and J as big brothers (my sil and sil to be it appears) and I think it is good for me to have positive males in my life"

The kid blows my mind.
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Old 04-17-2010, 11:16 AM   #20
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Default Re: Smothering mother?

Maybe Pizza is the magic formula for deep insights? Would that it was that easy!
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