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Old 06-12-2011, 11:40 PM   #1
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humm How would you deal with this?

A has made a new friend. She seems sweet. She is a gorgeous girl that looks way older than her actual years. Her family has a bunch of money (which is besides the point really). This girl, M, has stayed the night at our house. She also came to A's recital yesterday.

When she stayed the night here, the next day we all hung out at the pool. A wanted M to stay the night again and I really had no objections. But M said her mom said no and that they were going to hang out that night. Yet, later I heard her calling a friend and making plans for her friend to pick her up and for them to hang out. Now, it raised in alarm because I despise lying, but I really think that M was just done at our house and did not want to hurt my daughter.... I don't think it was malicious or mean.

However, after the recital one of the dance moms I carpooled talked to me. She said that she knew M as M had been hanging out with her daughter last year. She said that M was doing drugs, drinking, and "going farther with boys then we would want our girls to do at this age." I trust this mom a lot.

I have been trying to ask subtle questions about the girl. I know you have to let your kids live their lives, and I don't want to judge this girl either on what might be gossip... I just don't know how to handle this one at all. A makes great choices when it comes to her friends -- usually. But I can see my daughter doing something she has not done before either -- she hero worships this girl. This girl is very, very popular -- and has opened some social doors to my A that while not closed to her, were not wide open either. And to a girl searching for acceptance, that could be one heck of a dangerous seductive combination....... Any words of wisdom?
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Old 06-12-2011, 11:48 PM   #2
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

Talk talk talk to A about it. Honestly, here is there the old communication rule we all hear about comes into play. A is a good kid, I suspect she won't deal with drinking and drugs. I'd sit down and tell her the whole story, first I'd ask her what her thoughts are on this girl. I likely wouldn't hold back in telling her what you've heard. A seems a lot like my O, she doesn't want to be involved in any of that stuff and if she knew somebody was doing that she'd maybe go defensive with me, but she'd also nip it right away. No matter what, communicating will show her not only that you care, but that you are in the know what what is going on out there, you will hear things, etc.
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Old 06-12-2011, 11:56 PM   #3
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

I agree with the communicating with her and telling her your concerns for the other girl. Depending on her reaction I would limit the time spent with the girl to being at your house, in your care. I think it is always a bad idea to tell a tween they cannot be friends with someone or hang out with them, it invites rebellion, imo. You can, however, control the circumstances they are together in and I would.

I think A has a good head on her shoulders and a strong sense of self. I think this will likely fizzle out quickly on it's own, but I would definitely put some boundaries in place.
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Old 06-13-2011, 08:53 AM   #4
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

Agree with Idig, and RM. Talk to her, let her know how you feel...A's a good kid. I suspect she will see her for what she really is and draws the boundaries necessary...

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Originally Posted by idig View Post
I think A has a good head on her shoulders and a strong sense of self. I think this will likely fizzle out quickly on it's own, but I would definitely put some boundaries in place.
Agree..
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:22 AM   #5
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

Also agreeing with the girls. Feeling lots of empathy, too.
I was in a situation like that once. I actually did forbid my daughter to hang out with a particular child, but that was after she had broken some rules and scared me half to death cause she did what that girl told her to do rather than what she knew to be right.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:27 AM   #6
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

I think I'd open with a conversation about drugs, alcohol, etc. Ask her if she thinks all of her friends are on the right track, you know kind of not shooting at one girl right off the bat, ask her "What do you think about M?" It is difficult sometimes not to put them in defense mode so anyway you can ease into it to avoid that is probably good.

I also agree, if you just cut her off from M it is like putting a cake out and saying you can't have any....

I don't envy you either!
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Old 06-13-2011, 12:53 PM   #7
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

Yeah... I actually did not have any plans to tell her not to talk to M anymore. I know this does not work. And I have a feeling M is not a bad girl, so much as one that is confused and hurting. A came to me awhile ago and said that one of her friends was claiming she was "bi". She asked me what I thought about that. I asked her what she thought about that first. She said that she didn't understand how any person could feel the same way for boys and girls. I told her that I honestly believed that at her age, kids really do not know if they are bi or not. I told her that her age is confusing and that girls are so use to being close to other girls -- lots of talking, secrets, hand holding. I said that when you are first trying to figure boys out, it is so confusing. Because while you find them cute and funny, that at the same time, in your young mind, you expect all the romantic things -- talking, holding hands, closeness-- and boys at that age do not provide that (sometimes they grow up and never do either). A then said that her friend "came out" and people turned on her. A said she told her friendthat she would be her friend, but that her friend needed to know that A had NO interest in girls whatsoever! LOL. So my daughter. We had a long conversation about this... A told me about a week ago that this was M..... this tells me that M is really confused, searching and hurt. I also think that she has little adult supervision.

I had decided to only allow A to hang with M outside of school if it were in activities that I could be near (pool at our house, overnights at our house).

I think my biggest fear is how not to put her on the immediate defense. The thing is, I actually really like M and see something in her. A had a friend, B, last year that I could not STAND. This girl was just awful. I had tried to talk to A about how B treated her, but A was so defensive..... and these days, A is in a perpetual defense mode due to hormones. I think I might wait for an opening.

I don't worry too much about A and drugs. She has a STRONG adversion to drugs or alcohol due to her father. She abhors it. And has cut off two friendships because of their involvement with both. She even tells them why she won't hang out with them anymore. One girl told her that it doesn't harm A when she uses. A said, "What happens if I am hanging out with you somewhere and you are busted for having something on you? You really think I would not get in trouble too? How does that not harm me?" She really is smart, I just worry about her overlooking things in order to be accepted.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:16 AM   #8
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

Tried talking to A about her friend tonight... did not go so well. I tried to make it clear to her that I was not trying to tell her to not hang out with M. I said that I had heard some information and that I wanted to see what was true and what was not. A got really upset. I am not sure why, but she stormed off.... sigh. I love my daughter, but some days, it is impossible to have any kind of rational conversation with her.
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:51 AM   #9
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

I am a quite a few years away from this, but I think I would try spending more time with M myself somehow to get to know her better. Maybe take them on a weekend camping trip or a girls weekend and at the beginning take the cell phones and electronics away and really get to know them. Ask open ended questions to see what is going on in her little head. Like what do you and your parents do for fun. What is your favorite vacation memory. Ask them their opinion about teen mom 3. This really might open some communication doors especially if her parents are as absent as you think they are.
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:06 PM   #10
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Default Re: How would you deal with this?

LSL, I have talked to all my sons about standing on their own feet and making their own decisions. This is a small town and it is hard not to hang out with some "bad" kids. I just tell my sons that they are responsible for their own actions. I tell them that I trust them, but the others can bring bad situations then disappear fast. That the other parents may not be responsible and may try to cover up or even re-direct blame.

I don't pick out individual kids, just say there are some people who...... So beware and be alert.
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