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Old 01-05-2017, 04:00 AM   #1
Cancercrh025
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curse My son is (19) and irresponsible. Help..

My son is a 19 year old college sophomore. I've raised him alone and given him everything he's ever wanted plus more. I stopped doing for him after a point in his life hoping he would learn to gain responsibility. I had him join the AFROTC program at the university but he can't tolerate orders. Then he dropped the AFROTC program and continued on as a FT student. I put half down for his first car. He made the weekly payments but due to the lemon law I let the car go back. Ever since the car has gone back my son has worked but spent his money and done stupid ordeals that has cost him fines. He bought license plates online for a car registered in my name and was fined for 'fraudulent tags.' He didn't listen to the Colonel and got a speeding ticket. He wrecked my SUV and I found out when my insurance left me a voicemail. I can ask him to do something simple like take out the trash and he ignores me. He lies when I ask him if he has cleaned around the house. I work and pay 90% of my bills making him pay the electric as part of being an adult. He hates working. He wants to be a lawyer. I've told him he will not succeed in law school because he expects everything to be handed to him
He stresses me out to the point where I start screaming and leave the house. Also, since he will not get his own vehicle I am limited on dating because he has no money to get to and from school. Friends have told me to buy him a bike. My son refuses to ride a bike to and from college. My son uses my SUV everyday. He doesn't check my oil. I've found my oil two quarts low many times. My son doesn't feel obligated to anything. I don't know what to do. I threaten to make him move out but I don't want to see him struggle in college. On the contrary my son also feels he's too good to sign up for scholarships. I have to do everything to make certain it gets done. I am so exhausted. I don't know what to do. He also went behind my back and paid a $476 warrant for being $15 short of a final payment on a ticket my lawyer helped him with; instead of calling my lawyer he said he felt obligated to pay the fine. I told him that was my money and it is considered theft. He's done little things like this more than once. Please help me with any advice....


He's really a good kid. I simply don't know what to do at this point. I waste my breath when talking to him and this has been a ongoing ordeal for years.
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Old 01-10-2017, 10:38 AM   #2
artsy mom
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Default Re: My son is (19) and irresponsible. He

What's going to happen when he's done college? Will he find his dream job or continue on slacking? That's up to him. You won't be able to save him forever. Sooner or later you have to kick his big birdy tail out of the nest and let him learn to fly away on his own, otherwise he's going to be your problem for a very long time.
Stop bailing him out of financial jams. He's already committing fraud which is a serious crime. If he's doing that now, what else is he going to do. He needs to face the law and learn from his mistakes on his own so he can grow from it. He may be in college but just judging how you describe is lifestyle I would be concerned how he's managing his courses.
College isn't a make or break deal. There are plenty of people who are making a decent living and haven't even finished high school. If he struggles, then so be it. You don't need to be manipulated and taken advantage of. He's an adult and should be capable of making adult choices.
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Old 02-01-2017, 08:59 PM   #3
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Default Re: My son is (19) and irresponsible. He

I think, he grew up always getting what he wants. Sounds like he's a bit spoiled because, like what you said, you've given him everything and more. Maybe he grew up thinking that no matter what he does, you will always be there for him and that you will always save him whenever he finds trouble. Maybe teaching him a lesson will do. I know, it can be hard but ignore him if he asks for anything sometimes. or maybe you and your kid need some really deep conversation. Maybe he has other issues or maybe there are a lot of things in his head right now. Eagerly ask him what he really wants and explain to him why he needs to be responsible now. But, make sure, you listen to what his problems are. Maybe he has different wants than yours or maybe he's just really confused with his life and he needs help putting things together.
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Old 04-20-2017, 01:42 PM   #4
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Default Re: My son is (19) and irresponsible. He

Not many men will admit it, but it just takes us longer to mature than women. I am almost 34 and truly don't feel like I was "grown up" till about 4 years ago, right around the time I turned 30 and my son was born. At 19, I was highly similar to your son. I hate to tell you because I don't want you to stress anymore, but in my case, I wasted a lot of time and money during my 20s. You mentioned the trouble with the police. If he continues to live this way, that is just the beginning. He does sound like an intelligent young man and I'm not saying he would ever go to prison or anything, but one incident leads to another. My low point was spending 24 hours in jail for driving intoxicated. It was the most humiliating thing I've ever experienced. I'm sure my own mother felt a lot of the same things you have felt. I'm not sure how to get it accomplished, but if you don't want the next 5-10 years to be similar to the last few, you must make him understand. Like I said, this is easier said than done. I really hope you can work it out. Good luck.
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Old 04-24-2017, 10:58 PM   #5
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Default Re: My son is (19) and irresponsible. He

Hi there...sorry you are going through this. Sometimes we are the enablers. We do what we think is best for our kids and in the long run we've just made them spoiled.
There comes a point however if he is not willing to grow then you have to let him learn for himself.
I wish you luck... hang in there
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