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Old 09-21-2005, 01:13 AM   #1
Laurie05 Female
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Ok Ladies and Gents I need advice! Out of the blue my ex called and talked to my son Cody, I was gone. But anyway wanted to know if boys could come over this weekend....of all the darn weekends to come over he picks this one.....one when a hurricane is coming. I am so protective of the boys that I don't even trust their dads care of them....I know he would never harm them but I worry soo much when not in my sight. I even worried about them when they went to his house for the weekend where he lived w/the woman he left me for. Well he got kicked out and says he got to the lowest point in his life and was trying to pull himself out and so forth. Had been living out of his truck and horse trailer but is now living w/his mom. I want to believe him but am apprehensive.

My boys hurt for their dads attention but don't get to see him on a regular basis his choice tho. And only lives 20min away. Well I had another long talk with the ex tonite and I told him that I wouldn't make a big deal out of him not paying CS if he would just be active with the boys and be in their life!! He said he knew how I felt and says he knows what a damn good mom I have been....his words exactly. And I have never once asked him "where's my CS" and he said he knew that tooo.

It's times like these that I feel bad not only for my kids but for him too. I asked him why he hadn't called and he just told me he had to get out of the slump he was in before coming around the kids. He is an alcoholic and one in denial when we were married as well. And that he "lost everything" ---- I started thinking hmmmm now he knows how i felt when he left me!!! You know what comes around goes around. Also known as karma .....u get what u give.

It is my decision if I let Cody go with his dad this weekend and I don't wanna upset Cody by not letting him go. It would be different if dad had called to talk to me about him coming over but noooo, he had to call and talk to Cody so I would have to listen to him all weekend about why I didn't let him go over to see his dad.

My 10 yr old does not wanna go with his dad. He is very hurt by dad and I don't know if I will be doing more harm than good by not encouraging him to go. May not encourage him this weekend but at some point do u think I should encourage or make him go see and visit dad if dad is gonna be dependant and actually spend time with the boys???

I need some advice please!!!!
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:13 AM   #2
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Ok Ladies and Gents I need advice! Out of the blue my ex called and talked to my son Cody, I was gone. But anyway wanted to know if boys could come over this weekend....of all the darn weekends to come over he picks this one.....one when a hurricane is coming. I am so protective of the boys that I don't even trust their dads care of them....I know he would never harm them but I worry soo much when not in my sight. I even worried about them when they went to his house for the weekend where he lived w/the woman he left me for. Well he got kicked out and says he got to the lowest point in his life and was trying to pull himself out and so forth. Had been living out of his truck and horse trailer but is now living w/his mom. I want to believe him but am apprehensive.

My boys hurt for their dads attention but don't get to see him on a regular basis his choice tho. And only lives 20min away. Well I had another long talk with the ex tonite and I told him that I wouldn't make a big deal out of him not paying CS if he would just be active with the boys and be in their life!! He said he knew how I felt and says he knows what a damn good mom I have been....his words exactly. And I have never once asked him "where's my CS" and he said he knew that tooo.

It's times like these that I feel bad not only for my kids but for him too. I asked him why he hadn't called and he just told me he had to get out of the slump he was in before coming around the kids. He is an alcoholic and one in denial when we were married as well. And that he "lost everything" ---- I started thinking hmmmm now he knows how i felt when he left me!!! You know what comes around goes around. Also known as karma .....u get what u give.

It is my decision if I let Cody go with his dad this weekend and I don't wanna upset Cody by not letting him go. It would be different if dad had called to talk to me about him coming over but noooo, he had to call and talk to Cody so I would have to listen to him all weekend about why I didn't let him go over to see his dad.

My 10 yr old does not wanna go with his dad. He is very hurt by dad and I don't know if I will be doing more harm than good by not encouraging him to go. May not encourage him this weekend but at some point do u think I should encourage or make him go see and visit dad if dad is gonna be dependant and actually spend time with the boys???

I need some advice please!!!!
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:18 AM   #3
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The most important issue that I'm not quite clear on is the "alcoholic" issue. Is he still drinking? Or has he gone through AA and is sober? That alone would make or break the deal for me.
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:36 AM   #4
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Can I assume that Cody wants to go? You made it clear the younger doesn't. Cody is actually old enough to decide. Support his decision. Let him make his own decision about Dad. Dad will either pull it together or lose Cody too. My dad lost me at that age. He had issues he couldn't get past and I had enough of a grasp on the world to realize he isn't changing.

Two siblings can and do have very different images of the parent. In my case, my younger sister and my dad are still close but my dad and I have been estranged for...please don't make me date myself here... since I just turning into a teenager.

You're being very nice about CS. It is refreshing to see. A compromise might work well here. If dad gets regular, then start including small lists for dad of truly required items to ease your burden. Say a couple of three packs of socks, a shirt for something, school supplies, etc. Small easy to attain goals.
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:38 AM   #5
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He says he quit drinking on his own, but didn't go thru AA. But to my knowledge I just don't know if he really quit or not. His mom is a very good lady and I want to call her to see if she will tell me anything....but don't know if she would indulge me w/info.
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:57 AM   #6
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Ok Jd in my other posts don't know if you have read up on or not, but yes Cody wants to be with him as much as he can. I even let him go live w/him the 1st 6 wks of last sch yr and he was ready to come back!! The boys know he is a drinker, but doesn't know the definition of alcoholic and I don't wanna be the one to tell them point blank "ur dad is an alcoholic". I mean they have seen him fallin down drunk, get mad at his gf and get out of car and start walking and end up in a motel room. JD I have given dad so many chances to pull it together!! I just don't wanna see my boys hurt needlessly. Physically or emotionally.

Yes, both boys have very different images of their dad. Dusty the 10 yr old, sees his dad as always being drunk when they would go visit and who does not spend time with them. And even me when I do decide to have a Smirnoff Ice, he gives me a hard time about drinking and then makes me feel guilty. Dusty has seen him like 2 times this whole yr. It breaks my heart!!

Cody can live w/o him until dad calls then he gets so excited. But the times in between is miserable at times cuz I know he wants a male in his life that he can connect with. I have never stopped him from seeing either kids and have given up weekends for him to see them since i am with them all the time.

Well, not being nice to him, but I know its not gonna do any good to call and gripe and complain to him about CS. The AG's office did take him back to court for remod but he failed to appear and a warrant was suppose to be issued. I havent heard anymore about it but haven't gotten CS in a long while. And of course I didn't mention it to him.

I just wish I could truly know for sure he is gonna stand by what he says.

For me, if dad would step up to the plate like I have seen sooo many of the dads here do, I would be so thrilled!! I never thot their dad would turn out the way he did as far as not keeping in touch and not seeing them but thats what he did. Now I need to know if dad is gonna step up and be a Father to the boys.

You know when it hurts the most that he is not in their life on a regular basis, is when boys are on the baseball or football fields and I see other boys' dads walk out and give their son advice!!! I think about that alot. I wish my boys dad would be on the sidelines for them!!! Maybe this is his turning point----I hope so.
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Old 09-21-2005, 11:24 PM   #7
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Laurie, I think it's good that their father at least made an attempt to see them. Though you are right, since it's nothing consistent he really should have gone through you with his requests.
As for Dusty, if he doesn't want to go under the circumstances and considering the age I don't think I'd force him to go either. Maybe if Cody goes and things go well he may change his mind for next time. There is always a chance for a turning point. You know Amanda has still been seeing her mom now every other weekend for a few months now without a "flake-out" Even though she's not completely "flake-proof" Such as dropping Amanda off Sunday she said she'd come by on Tuesday, after payday to buy something from Amanda for her school's fund raiser. No show, no call but......at least I'd say there are really good odds that she'll be available for her next weekend visit. We just can't expect miracles now can we ?
So anyway, I hope Cody has a good time, and hope that maybe their dad can be encouraged to be more consistent for his sons.
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Old 09-21-2005, 11:51 PM   #8
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The drinking bothers me. If the boys see their dad drunk and yelling at his girlfriend and so on and so on, they're going to grow up thinking that's normal and more than likely do the same things themselves. Which could turn into abusing their future girlfriends/wives or even you.

If they were my kids, I'd give the guy an ultimatum - go to AA, prove you're sober, then we'll talk about visitation. As for explaining an "alcoholic" to your kids...they don't need to know anything more than necessary, but they also don't need to be lied to. Something like... You're daddy's having some problems right now, so he isn't able to take care of you. He's talking to people who are going to teach him how to take care of himself and his problems so that he can learn how to take care of you again. In the mean time, we just need to pray for him and hopefully soon he'll be better. Be careful not to say that "he's sick" because that relieves him of all responsibility of what he's doing.
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Old 09-30-2005, 01:32 AM   #9
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Ty Don and alex for ur replies! I just want everything to be ok for the boys. I understand both of what ya'll are talking about.

Alex its been a rollercoaster ride w/the drinking thing. A constant struggle. Dusty sees what his dad is doing and the way he lives is not right. As for Cody he don't care about nothin but himself most of the time. I tried and tried to help him stop drinking but to no avail!!

All I can do is try and protect them.
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Old 11-30-2005, 09:36 AM   #10
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I would like to say something to all the ladies out there. I am a single parents and trying to make it the same way most of you are doing. Working, Raising your children to the fullest, talking to them and making them understand life. I have a son and going thru the same things that laurie05 is going thru. I can't get the father to come and get his son. It alway an excused that he has to work or I am with someone when he picked up the kids and then go home and called to see if I am still in the house.

So I have try to explain to my son that you father isn't a good father and he isn't going to be there when you really need him for mature adult talk things that I can't explain to you. He is paying CS that all. But, I have to admit that in the pass he denied his kids for the longest and I wish I could have kept it like that and didn't give up. But, when you have other family member saying let them kids see their father if he is the father of those kids.

Now that they are getting older my son cried for his father and then later complain about him. I don't understand the reality of him, I have asked him why do you want to go over there he said he my father. But, why complain to his mother about daddy doesn't do that or this like you. meaning he still trying to find some love from his father and it hurting him alot.

So you are not alone in the situation so be stay strong and be a woman and let the boys know that both parents love you dearly.
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