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Old 02-28-2017, 05:02 PM   #1
randomguy
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Default Need Advice on More Coping Strategies

Hello,

So, to put a very long story short, my ex common law spouse and I decided to breakup around 13 months ago after a rocky 10 year relationship, which resulted in our 7 year old child. There were a lot of verbal arguments and differences in opinion. I love my child to pieces and would do anything for her, but this situation has been the most trying experience of my live. We had gone through periods in the past of breaking up and seeing other people, but each time that happens it hurts badly. We had gotten back together in 2014 and things were great for around a year and then went downhill again. It was very disappointment because for that year I was very happy and we were a family. Several things transpired throughout our relationship (I won't elaborate too much) that let to a lot of resentment on both sides. The only issue with it all is 1. I'm still attracted to my ex and 2. I think I still love her and always will, which sucks the most seeing her with other guys. Apparently her new guy and her and becoming quite serious and 5 months in discussing moving in. It hurts. I try not to show it, but I loose sleep over it, have days of absolute debilitating depression to the point where I can't get out of bed, but manage to carry on due to no other option.

I guess what I'd like to know for anyone else in my position is:

-What coping skills do you use when you have to interact with your ex, while still having feelings for that person and knowing they are in another relationship?

-When you drop off/pickup, how do you maintain your emotional well being? I literally drive away, park and bawl for 30 minutes before I go home each time and stays on my mind for days.

I need to develop some coping skills as this thing is getting pretty dark. Days I feel like the pain is so intense I would do just about anything to end that pain. I try to keep myself busy, but each time I see her it brings back feelings and it hurts, bad. I also can't move on, I'm not ready. I've dated and I just don't have any interest and makes my negative thoughts worse. Though I know we aren't good together, it still pain beyond explanation, which I'm sure some of you can relate with. The most trying/frustrating thing I've dealt with in my life. I'm sure in time things will get a bit easier, but I need some skills to get me to the future as I feel completely, utterly stuck at the moment in quicksand.
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Old 03-04-2017, 12:52 PM   #2
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Default Re: Need Advice on More Coping Strategie

Hello and welcome to the site.

First off I have to admit, there's not a lot of people who write here any more. From its position in google search results you can tell this used to be the most active single parent forum on the Internet, but those days seem to have passed and there's only a few parents left on here to reply to your questions. At this point, this site seems to serve as more of an archive where you can read the past posts to get perspective on what others went through.

And although I'm still here, my son is now 22yo and in his 3rd year of college. I don't even talk to his mother any more so it's tough to actually remember the feelings I had like you're going through now.

I do remember loving her at one time. Sheesh...I pursued her for a year before she finally went out with me. After she left us, I certainly did still have feelings for her. She was also the absent mother mother of our child, however, and that made for a complex relationship. It's hardly the only complex relationship I've had. When I rented apartments to friends I had to separate our business from our friendship. I've gone out with bosses on weekends, but at work I know my role. Now you and your child's mom are exes, but you are also business partners...heh...except you're both employees of the kid that you made. That child is going through the most important years of their life and their mom and dad are the people responsible for doing whatever it takes to make them as positive as possible. All of the years after becoming an adult don't even compare, and where you and the mother's lives are the results of choices you made, the kid didn't do anything to deserve losing any part of their childhood. It's another instance of setting aside emotions to do a job.

I do understand this is easier said than done, and it's also easier for me to do since I'm half-robot. Maybe another idea is to remember all of the bad things that happened that made you not want to be with her, whenever you're finding yourself have feelings? There must be some as you did decide to split up in the first place. If you're feeling jealous of her new guy, well...just think about how that guy hasn't discovered the bad things about your ex yet. I don't know though, as I never felt any jealousy towards my ex as she had new men in her life (I was more concerned about her not bringing them in and out of my son's life).

I hope that helped. I'm really out of practice trying to write things that help single parents.

Later,
Bobby
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Old 03-05-2017, 11:35 AM   #3
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Default Re: Need Advice on More Coping Strategie

It is common to miss the good things about someone after the fact.....but without trying to sound negative, don't forget there was bad stuff too. Is it her you miss or miss having someone comfortable around? Exs, for all their flaws, were a known entity, something we were comfortable around and had adapted to.
When I saw the ex with someone new I thought at first "what's wrong with me"......but then soon realised that her revolving door policy of overnight guests said more about her than it did about me. I was glad to be distancing myself.
Time does help, though it's a pretty miserable process waiting for it to work. Stay busy and treat encounters with her as "business" not "social". Build a wall emotionally and stay behind it and give yourself time.
I wish there was a magic short term answer....
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Old 03-17-2017, 12:24 PM   #4
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Default Re: Need Advice on More Coping Strategie

Thank you all. All things I consciously know and realize, but doesn't make things any easier. I think that the only thing that will help is time. She's a very attractive girl, mother of my child and we have been off and on for over 10 years. I think she's the only thing that I know as she was the only 'serious' relationship I have ever had. Some days are still horrible, other bearable. Hopefully in time things calm down. And yes, jealousy is a big part of this. They've been together for 5 months, seem very happy, but like you said you don't really know someone yet at 5 mos. I do know that I have to dig myself out of this rut somehow, just not exactly sure how to yet.
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Old 03-17-2017, 07:16 PM   #5
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Default Re: Need Advice on More Coping Strategie

It's never easy to toss away someone who has been a big part of your life. However, for your own peace of mind it has to be done. Way back when I'd start missing the ex and realise it wasn't her I was missing but the comfort of something which I cherished (the marriage, family etc) ......I was able to separate her from it all by remembering what she did, how she treated me and the kids etc. One finally gets to the point where one wonders why you would ever put yourself into the situation of being treated like that again. That's why she is an ex!
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Old 03-17-2017, 10:03 PM   #6
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Default Re: Need Advice on More Coping Strategie

Very good points, thank you. You're right, it's not a matter of purely missing her, it's more so the thought of her, our family, memories, etc. The thought of another man being involved with my child also bothers me a great deal.

We had a lot good times in those times seem to pop out after a while and the not so good times fade away. Wonderful minds we have. She also wasn't particularly horrible to me more so just a lot of ups and downs in personality differences. she was also very naggy, bit**y and didn't fare well under stress or social environments. Was also extremely rude and hostile for a year when I was trying to move forward in my life. Prevented me from doing so. I try to remember these traits because those are the very traits that drove me away from her emotionally. When things are final and you have to deal with them for a potential he a lifetime it just makes it hard and reality sets in. I've also been a little bit sensitive it breaks ups in the past. Unfortunately the way I am. Makes these things harder.
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