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Old 07-09-2010, 11:52 AM   #1
Live4Them
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Default She's driving me NUTS!

P is taking the 24 hour round trip with my kids and I to meet up with their father, so I don't have to go alone.

We are renting a car. That leaves P having to leave C, his son, behind. No worries, we already have a plan. C is going to stay with his uncle, who is MORE than capable of taking care of C... As a matter of fact, his uncle is who helped P raise C the majority of his life. His uncle is also VERY excited to be able to spend this time with C, as because of our schedules, there hasn't really been time. There's only 1 problem.

P's brother got into a very bad accident about 6 months ago. It was alcohol related. Obviously, his license was suspended for the normal 6 months. So he doesn't have a license. But he doesn't drink anymore, hasn't had anything to drink since the night of the accident, and is in AA. He's doing really really good.

When C's mother asked us if C was going with us or not, we told her no, and who he was staying with. Now she's on a war path. Not that she doesn't like her ex brother in law. She likes him just fine. She's mad because P REFUSES to let her keep C for 2 nights. Friday and Saturday. And that P is "allowing C to stay with an alcoholic who has no license." instead of his own mother.

Ok, she got her children, 2 out of the 3, taken away from her because of drugs, alcohol, her poor house keeping skills, and her poor judgement in men... And she's throwing a hissy fit because P refuses to let C stay with her??? I don't get it... I've tried to explain to her, P has tried to explain to her, everyone has tried to explain to her, until she goes to court, it's not going to happen. If P lets C stay with her, and the courts find out, regardless of if he gets hurt or not, P is the one that gets in trouble. No her...

How can we get this through her thick head?
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Old 07-09-2010, 12:22 PM   #2
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Live4Them View Post
How can we get this through her thick head?
I doubt you can. Probably useless to try.
She cannot compare herself to P's brother. He heard the call and has embraced treatment (I'm gonna take your word for that). He is playing by the rules. She is not.
Besides, she is not allowed to have the child, like you said. It isn't even an option at this time, and that's all you have to say.
If she and her xbil get along, maybe he will be willing to allow her supervised visits with him. ?

However, if she does ever take you to court for visitation modification, I would imagine the situation with P's bro might come up, so be prepared to demostrate that he has embraced successful treatment and that his prior issues with his illness are now a non-issue, ya know?

That's all I got. I'm sure others will come along with more experience with this type of thing.
Why can't C go with you? Just curious.
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Old 07-09-2010, 12:55 PM   #3
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

I was wondering why C can't go either.....

But beyond that.....she isn't allowed, she is with a sex offender. Didn't you say she lives with him? So, it's not even an option. Someone could call CPS and then P gets C removed for threat of harm.

A license is not needed to care for a child. Lots of people don't have one and raise children okay. BIL is familiar with C. BIL is sober now. And I am sure will NOT drive with C in the car. There is no threat there.
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Old 07-09-2010, 01:00 PM   #4
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

Oh YEAH! I forgot about the sex offender.

Tell her NO, it's not allowed, and engage in no further discussion about it.
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Old 07-09-2010, 01:25 PM   #5
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

We gave C the option of going or staying. He chose to stay. We were going to take him. But sitting in a vehicle for 24 hours just riding, didn't seem like fun to him. We actually tried to talk him into going, but he really wants to stay with his uncle.

As far as P's brother, yes, he's really sober. When his job found out what he had done, they gave him an ultimatum. Sober up, get help, or lose his job. He's been there for like 10 years. Not to mention, he was ordered by the courts to get help. If he doesn't have certain things done and completed by a certain time, he loses his license for 18 months, and goes to jail.

As far as C being around her sex offender boyfriend, that's not even an issue. He's not allowed over here, and she only has supervised visitations. So he's never around him. Calling CPS would do nothing for P and C at this point.
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Old 07-09-2010, 01:34 PM   #6
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

No, I meant if P was to allow C to stay with HER. That would be a violation. I was just saying you could point out the obvious to her. That's all. That would be begging CPS involvment because of her living with a sex offender.
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Old 07-09-2010, 01:40 PM   #7
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Live4Them View Post
As far as P's brother, yes, he's really sober. When his job found out what he had done, they gave him an ultimatum. Sober up, get help, or lose his job. He's been there for like 10 years. Not to mention, he was ordered by the courts to get help. If he doesn't have certain things done and completed by a certain time, he loses his license for 18 months, and goes to jail.

As far as C being around her sex offender boyfriend, that's not even an issue. He's not allowed over here, and she only has supervised visitations. So he's never around him. Calling CPS would do nothing for P and C at this point.
I'm pretty sure LSL meant that if you did allow her to have C, then she would break the rule to keep him away from C and then an outsider could call CPS (or something could happen) and P would lose C because he allowed C to be with her when it was clearly a risk for C.
So, for that reason, her having C, alone, is not an option.

Also, I am not intending to speak ill of P's brother, and I do not think he is a danger to C at all in this case.
I just want to say that alcoholism is a cunning and baffeling disease.
While being forced into treatment does work alot of times, it is not the ideal situation. Short term it is, but not for long term sobriety.
Sometimes when the trouble has passed, they can trick themselves into thinking that it was just an isolated incident that got them in trouble and they can control it now, they have learned their lesson.
If they go because their life is unmanageable, they are aware and sick and tired of it, drawing on multiple memories of pain and humiliation at the hands of their disease...well, obviously that's a little more difficult to sweep under the mental rug.

Just be aware of signs like if he quits going to AA. Doesn't change his association with his former drinking buddies.

I'm just sayin, don't underestimate the power of the disease and realize that he can potentially be fooled by it in ways a non-alcoholic could never imagine possible.
It has NOTHING to do with his character. He is, I'm sure, a great guy.

Last edited by Bluemoon; 07-09-2010 at 01:53 PM.
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Old 07-09-2010, 07:35 PM   #8
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

How can we get this through her thick head?


have you tryed a pointed stick? maybe a drill with a broken bit? hammer and nails?

just a thought

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Old 07-09-2010, 09:36 PM   #9
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

Just don't argue, just say that is the way it will be. and don't reply after that. Kinda like a kid.
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Old 07-20-2012, 01:20 PM   #10
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Default Re: She's driving me NUTS!

Unfortunately, I don't think there is an easy way to get through it. They're your kids though, not hers, so do what makes you feel most comfortable!!
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